Family Matters
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Should I continue a relationship with my mother?

Recently I moved in with my grandparents in order to get away from my mother and finish junior and senior year of high school.  

Growing up, my mom and I had an amazing relationship.  My parents divorced when I was 3, and even though they were separated, I was content.  I never had friends until middle school because my mom and I constantly (at least 9 times) moved in with her new boyfriends, fiancees, or husbands.  But I was happy because I had her and my dog.  My mom was amazing: funny, kind, loving. 

But during middle school, she was with a man who was physically abusive to her and verbally abusive to me.  They had a baby together, but the abuse didn't stop.  At first, he seemed nice, but he ended up to be an evil person.  During this time, my mom and I got closer.  She finally left him, and we moved in with a friend of her's.

I think because she had me at 19, she didn't really get to be alone and be social like a single girl in her 20s would.  So when she finally got freedom (although she had a 2 year old child and me...) she ran with it.  She and her friend would stay out entire weekends with me or my aunt watching my sister.  Or they would invite friends over and drink until 4 or 5 AM.  Many times I heard some people having sex in the room next to me, and if I texted my mom that I felt uncomfortable, she'd just yell at me to go to sleep and calm down.  We stopped hanging out, and I began to spend more time in my room or running with my puppy.  I felt scared on the weekends when I went to my dad's because I didn't trust her to feed my two dogs.  


I told my dad about what was going on, but he lives in an area with not-so-good schools, and we don't have money for a private school.  He'd pick me up if I was in need, especially when the abuse began.  At least, I think it was abuse.  My sister has behavior problems (due to bad parenting...) and if I "made her upset," my mom would get into my face, yell at me, call me a bitch, and threaten to slap/punch me.  She never actually did, but I wouldn't put it past her.  

So my dad gave me the option to move across the country to live with my grandparents, and I jumped at that opportunity.  Since I've moved here, I haven't really talked to my mom.  I took my puppy with me but left my childhood dog (who is an old lady dog now) with her, which was a mistake.  Last summer, I went back to visit, and found out through my sister that my dog is missing.  My mother NEVER told me this, and I cried the rest of the week that I was there.  Not once did she say anything about it except "oh yeah"  after she asked my grandma (her mom) why I was crying. I didn't talk to her after that and am still seriously considering cutting ties, of course I'd talk to her, just not often, with her because I can't bring myself to want to be around her. 

I'm sorry this post is so long, there's just so many things that I've kept bottled up and need to be expressed to someone.

Re: Should I continue a relationship with my mother?

  • I would find some counseling through school.  You can see if you can talk with a counselor or social worker.  

    It is not a bad thing to want distance from someone who hasn't treated you well, even if that person is your mom.  Only you can make that choice, but I can tell you it is a lot easier if you have someone to talk to.  

    My H stopped communication with his dad, and counseling helped him, not with the separation (which was easy), but for dealing with all of the "well meaning" family members who berated him "how can you not be speaking with your FATHER?!?!"  
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Definitely see if you can seek counseling somewhere, it will help immensely with this difficult decision. Wahoo is right: there will be so many "well-meaning" busy-bodies who will inadvertently (or even quite purposefully) make you feel like you're wrong for demanding respect.

    Cutting off a parent is extremely hard and I'm sorry for your situation. Know that you're not the only one, you're worthy of being treated well, and as a child, none of this was your fault. It's not your fault your mom chose to have children young, or stay in bad relationships, or anything else. As the parent, it was her responsibility to get help for her problems and do what was best for you.
    TarponMonoxideWahooloves2shop4shoes
  • Recently I moved in with my grandparents in order to get away from my mother and finish junior and senior year of high school.  

    Growing up, my mom and I had an amazing relationship.  My parents divorced when I was 3, and even though they were separated, I was content.  I never had friends until middle school because my mom and I constantly (at least 9 times) moved in with her new boyfriends, fiancees, or husbands.  But I was happy because I had her and my dog.  My mom was amazing: funny, kind, loving. 

    But during middle school, she was with a man who was physically abusive to her and verbally abusive to me.  They had a baby together, but the abuse didn't stop.  At first, he seemed nice, but he ended up to be an evil person.  During this time, my mom and I got closer.  She finally left him, and we moved in with a friend of her's.

    I think because she had me at 19, she didn't really get to be alone and be social like a single girl in her 20s would.  So when she finally got freedom (although she had a 2 year old child and me...) she ran with it.  She and her friend would stay out entire weekends with me or my aunt watching my sister.  Or they would invite friends over and drink until 4 or 5 AM.  Many times I heard some people having sex in the room next to me, and if I texted my mom that I felt uncomfortable, she'd just yell at me to go to sleep and calm down.  We stopped hanging out, and I began to spend more time in my room or running with my puppy.  I felt scared on the weekends when I went to my dad's because I didn't trust her to feed my two dogs.  


    I told my dad about what was going on, but he lives in an area with not-so-good schools, and we don't have money for a private school.  He'd pick me up if I was in need, especially when the abuse began.  At least, I think it was abuse.  My sister has behavior problems (due to bad parenting...) and if I "made her upset," my mom would get into my face, yell at me, call me a bitch, and threaten to slap/punch me.  She never actually did, but I wouldn't put it past her.  

    So my dad gave me the option to move across the country to live with my grandparents, and I jumped at that opportunity.  Since I've moved here, I haven't really talked to my mom.  I took my puppy with me but left my childhood dog (who is an old lady dog now) with her, which was a mistake.  Last summer, I went back to visit, and found out through my sister that my dog is missing.  My mother NEVER told me this, and I cried the rest of the week that I was there.  Not once did she say anything about it except "oh yeah"  after she asked my grandma (her mom) why I was crying. I didn't talk to her after that and am still seriously considering cutting ties, of course I'd talk to her, just not often, with her because I can't bring myself to want to be around her. 

    I'm sorry this post is so long, there's just so many things that I've kept bottled up and need to be expressed to someone.
    I think it's best you keep your distance from her.

    Wow, when you are a single parent you have to be cautious who you date --- as you can see, you never know what these guys can turn out to be like.

    The day you put a guy before your kids? Don't ask me what I think of that.

    Your mother may be very insecure, simply have poor judgement or she may have some type of emotional problem.

    Keep your distance and stay where you are. And if you can find a social worker or an adult you can trust, speak to that person. Life's too short for you to have your life ruined thanks to what happend with your mother and her endless contingency of boyfriends, or because of what happened with her abusive husband. GL.  
    Wahoo
  • That story made my heart break for you.  I know this is difficult, but I think it's best for your emotional health to keep your distance from your mother.  Don't feel guilty about this- her life isn't conducive to having you as her daughter.

    I also suggest counseling.  Please go.  
    Wahoo
  • It's ok to demand respect, and refuse to accept abuse.  Even if that means cutting out your mother.  I am estranged from my mom, brother, and a cousin because I was tired of being treated like shit and expected to tolerate it.

    Your mom sounds like she has some issues, none of which are appropriate for a child to be living among.

    Get some therapy, it may give you clarity.  Stay safe, and don't feel like you should have to put up with abuse.
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