Hey everyone! And thanks for listening ... Sorry if too long!!
My MIL really is a nice woman and I love her and my FIL, but she can be overbearing a lot of the times. Mostly I just roll with the punches. I'm a very independent person. I have been married now almost 4 years, but I was a single mom for a long time. My son is turning 16 this week. For example, for some background info ... I think in my husbands last marriage, they (MIL/FIL) were the stable parents and she liked being in control of everything and being the "greatest" mom and cook, and hosting everything, etc. Well, now I've come along and I have an amazing family! They have been there so much for me over the years and are amazing parents, etc. So, for example, it's been a fight (and I've won) to get holidays alone with my family (even my extended family is very close, so when we get together it's a big group). But with my IL's, it's only me, DH, DS and the two of them. So the mantra has been, when it's my turn to have a holiday with my family, sure, invite them along. Finally, last year I put my foot down and said no, I just want to spend this alloted holiday (Thanksgiving) with my family... It's our turn, and not fair that I can't spend it just with them. They would never invite in return, all my family, to their gatherings, and for that matter, I wouldn't want them to, because that's our time with DH's family. So that worked and we're good.
But she's always pushing to be constantly doing things, vacations, the whole, we never see you guilt crap, etc. I'm very good at curbing a lot of this, and don't let it bother me, and we do all kinds of stuff with them, and my family too. For the most part, it works, and I can very easily not let things get to me ...
Until now. I'm pretty sure I'm past it all and what happens, will be what happens, but about a month ago, my DH and I were shopping for an older, small pick-up truck for my DS for his 16th birthday. We wanted something reliable, but not really expensive ($3-4K at most) and just a good solid 1st car for him. Well my IL's take us out to lunch one day, and totally BLINDSIDED us with offering to give us this wonderful "Gift" of their older truck. Well, again, I was blindsided and only thought this out how I wish I'd have responded, later. At the time I kept my mouth shut, rather than say something offensive or wrong. She's very easliy offended.
While it is a very nice gesture, my first and most important thing is that I want this truck to my son to come from me and DH, NOT them. 1st of all, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents in any way, and if they show up and we (me, DH, and IL's) are giving this to my DS, I just think that would be crappy, and I want this from ME, not THEM. Besides, my son is really in a way, like the son my dad never had, they are very close. I appreciate the gift I guess, but I really would rather have just bought it from them. But didn't think to say that at the time. Besides that, we ended up putting almost $3500 into the car to fix it and clean it up, it was pretty rough.
So after they give us this "gift", I really want to set it clear that I think this could come from us, so I call MIL and tell here thanks again, blah, blah, blah, and then go on to ask (becuase she ALWAYS wants tons of ideas for DS when it's B-day / Christmas) if she needed any ideas for his B-day; she went on to say, well, I think we've done enough, don't you? So I go on to say that this is something that I really feel is important that comes from us, and not them. It got a little hairy after that, but eventually I think the thought got through that we want it coming from us and not them. But I never talked to her about it in the end, just FIL.
SO ... the party is next Saturday, and it's a big family party, lots of people coming, and she NEVER has asked for any gift ideas. In the almost 4 years I've been with my husband, she has never NOT wanted ideas. So I'm really worried that she's going to show up and annouce her gift as the truck. We're giving DS the truck last as (obviously) our gift - big deal, big surprise to DS ... And I'm so freaked out at what she might do ...
Am I being extremely selfish? I somewhat think I am, but even if we'd offered to buy it from them (which later on it did get mentioned) they wouldn't let us. She's pretty cheap when it comes to gifts and stuff, but this was no money out of their pocket, which is why she was ok with it (they have 2 other vehicles).
Sorry for the length and thanks for listening ... really needing some advice. Feeling a little like a jerk, thinking and feeling all of this, but I also think she's trying to control things and do what she wants, and this is important to me.