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Help! Need opinions - to date or not to date??

catsareniice1catsareniice1 member
Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
edited August 2014 in Relationships

My best friend is trying to fix me up with a man who she said seems very nice. She told me his name so I went to his FB page to see what he's about (if we might be compatible and check to see if I know anyone he knows).

While clicking on a few of the people, I came across a couple of slutty looking women with very odd profiles. The both had links to sex chat stuff. They're listed as his friends. She said he doesn't seem like he is a bad guy but this make me wonder if he might be a womanizer. I also say a link to hot or not. He liked the page and the app as well. Maybe no big deal?? I also saw that he plays gambling games online or liked the pages. Again, maybe no big deal? My ex gambled my money away and cheated on me so I am just trying to be cautious checking people out before I meet them whenever possible.

If you were me would you go forward with meeting him based on what she is telling me or would you be leary of this man based on what I happen to stumble upon?

Edited to add: She said he is very nice, charismatic and thinks we would be compatible.

Re: Help! Need opinions - to date or not to date??

  • He may also just be someone who accepts everyone on his page. Maybe he doesn't even talk to those two women. Not sure what to think.
  • Anyone? Do you think I'm being nervous for no reason?
  • Why don't you go out with him once or twice and find out if you're even interested in him? It could be a moot point altogether if you don't click. And you can ask him if he gambles if that's something you have concerns about.

    As for the women, I have some friends with slutty Facebook pics who are engineering colleagues, so I'm not inclined to judge. If they happen to be professional phone sex operators, would that bother you? (Assuming at some point you had a chat with him about Facebook privacy and how maybe a future employer or business contact might be turned off by his inability to keep his private life private).
    image
  • GilliC said:
    Why don't you go out with him once or twice and find out if you're even interested in him? It could be a moot point altogether if you don't click. And you can ask him if he gambles if that's something you have concerns about.
    That's an idea. Maybe I'll get a feel for him on a few dates.


    As for the women, I have some friends with slutty Facebook pics who are engineering colleagues, so I'm not inclined to judge. If they happen to be professional phone sex operators, would that bother you? (Assuming at some point you had a chat with him about Facebook privacy and how maybe a future employer or business contact might be turned off by his inability to keep his private life private).

    I failed to mention that when you click on these women's pages, they were for photos and sex chat links. But, I just noticed that he is friends with a person called something like Arthritis Symptoms and the page is filled with medical stuff. Maybe he accepts everyone without caring who's on his page.





  • Anyone else have thoughts on this? WWYD?
  • I'd go out with him and see what he's all about.  We're so into checking people out online nowadays that we forget the person we see online is not necessarily the same individual in person.  It's not like you were perusing a dating profile where he (hopefully) would have put his best foot forward - FB is a totally different animal.

    Of your examples I wouldn't be bothered by any of them.  For one, you can't judge the guy by a couple women he might have friended on his page.  I've got acquaintances on my friends list who aren't reflective of my own personal values at all - hell some of them are my family!   And really, liking Hot or Not or playing an online gambling game don't really provide you any definitive insight into this guy's personality at all.

    It's good to be cautious, you should always be cautious of anybody you're going out with for the first time, but I would not form a negative opinion of someone based on the "evidence" you've presented here. 

    The bigger question I'd be asking is, do you trust your friend as a good judge of character?  I have two very very close friends - one whose opinion I would have trusted setting me up on a blind date and one whose opinion I would not have trusted.   If you trust her opinion then give the guy a shot  and go out on a date with him.

     

  • ab6704a said:

    I'd go out with him and see what he's all about.  We're so into checking people out online nowadays that we forget the person we see online is not necessarily the same individual in person.  It's not like you were perusing a dating profile where he (hopefully) would have put his best foot forward - FB is a totally different animal.

    Of your examples I wouldn't be bothered by any of them.  For one, you can't judge the guy by a couple women he might have friended on his page.  I've got acquaintances on my friends list who aren't reflective of my own personal values at all - hell some of them are my family!   And really, liking Hot or Not or playing an online gambling game don't really provide you any definitive insight into this guy's personality at all.

    It's good to be cautious, you should always be cautious of anybody you're going out with for the first time, but I would not form a negative opinion of someone based on the "evidence" you've presented here. 

    The bigger question I'd be asking is, do you trust your friend as a good judge of character?  I have two very very close friends - one whose opinion I would have trusted setting me up on a blind date and one whose opinion I would not have trusted.   If you trust her opinion then give the guy a shot  and go out on a date with him.

     

    Thank you! My friend is a great judge of character and cares for my well-being. I'm gonna go for it if he asks me out.
    ab6704a
  • My best friend is trying to fix me up with a man who she said seems very nice. She told me his name so I went to his FB page to see what he's about (if we might be compatible and check to see if I know anyone he knows).

    While clicking on a few of the people, I came across a couple of slutty looking women with very odd profiles. The both had links to sex chat stuff. They're listed as his friends. She said he doesn't seem like he is a bad guy but this make me wonder if he might be a womanizer. I also say a link to hot or not. He liked the page and the app as well. Maybe no big deal?? I also saw that he plays gambling games online or liked the pages. Again, maybe no big deal? My ex gambled my money away and cheated on me so I am just trying to be cautious checking people out before I meet them whenever possible.

    If you were me would you go forward with meeting him based on what she is telling me or would you be leary of this man based on what I happen to stumble upon?

    Edited to add: She said he is very nice, charismatic and thinks we would be compatible.

    There is nothing wrong with meeting him up front and seeing if you like him in person.

    Meet him somewhere for drinks and appetizers. That should be fine. if you like the guy, exchange phone numbers and names and addresses.:) I am old school that way.:)
  • Another vote to go out with him & see how it goes. You've got some real concerns, don't ignore them , but don't let them ruin a chance at something great. Like it was said, maybe he is one of those "Likes" everything people.

  • That's a whole lot of research on someone you've never met.  Go out with him and see.  If he's a creep, you never have to see him again.  Anyone can survive one date.  
  • catsareniice1catsareniice1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    Thanks guys!

    In speaking to him I learned that he smokes weed on occasion. More than he's admitting I can tell. My ex husband smoked it and it caused a lot of problems. Personally, I hate the s#it! He also mentioned that he is not perfect and can have a temper. He stated this MANY times.

    He told me several stories of beating someone up or threatening people supposedly in defense??? He said he threw something at a cat because there was a cat bothering his cat. Makes me wonder.

    Finally, he told me he got in trouble at work once for telling a sexual joke. I learned all this in a matter of two and a half hours.

    I think I should stay away. He wants me to meet his mom on Monday at a cookout. Wayyyy too soon. Not normal imo.

    Thoughts?
  • catsareniice1catsareniice1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    Also, he owns a gun and shoots. I realize it is a sport. I am not against people owning guns if they are sane and responsible. However, he has told me many times in conversation that he's not perfect and tends to have a temper. I don't think owning a gun and having a temper is a good combination.

    He told me he's said so not so colorful words in fights to his wife (who now passed away). Oh and he punched a wall when he and his wife were fighting once and threw something at her.

    I think he asked me one question about me in the entire time interacting with him. it was all about him.
  • catsareniice1catsareniice1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I would love to hear feedback. I don't think I should bother with this guy. Too many red flags I think.....

    He also keeps stating how much he likes me. How wowed he is by me. He is coming on way too strong. Usually a sign of an abusive man.  He does not seem too interested in what I have to say either.

    When I told him I didn't feel comfortable having him pick me up, he sounded a bit offended and said, "Well, I hope you can trust me someday." He was trying to make me feel bad.
  • catsareniice1catsareniice1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    Here's the dilemma. I agreed to go out with him but in reflecting on our conversations I really don't want to anymore.

    What should I say to him? The truth?? Should I just be honest and say the fact that you smoke weed does not sit well with me? If he has a temper I want to be careful of what I say.

    Should I say something else?

    I also tested him. When I told him about a story of an ex raising his arm at me and that I broke up for good after the incident. He didn't say anything. NOTHING! It was like I was talking to myself. I expected some response like "good for you."

    In conversation, I mentioned that people need to lift each other up in relationships. Again, no response.

    He barely asked me any questions, yet claims to like me sooo much and wants to introduce me to this one and that one. Odd I think.


  • That's a whole lot of research on someone you've never met.  Go out with him and see.  If he's a creep, you never have to see him again.  Anyone can survive one date.  
    Just 15-20 minutes on FB. Amazing what you find there.
  • He's supposed to call me again today. I think I have to say something to get out of this before I am alone with him again.
  • Ok, I'm stuck in a box here....

    First off, smoking weed would be a deal breaker for me, even occasional use.  If that's a dealbreaker for you, there's nothing wrong with that. 

    I'd also be bothered by how strongly he seems to be approaching someone he hasn't  really spent any time with and his admissions of having a temper. Some people have a temper and can learn to control it - that's fine, it's just not something I would be willing to deal with in a relationship.  If you're not feeling comfortable meeting with him, and I can see why you wouldn't be, then your options are to be straight with him and tell him why you're not interested in going out (like the weed thing), make something up, like you're realizing you're not really ready to jump back into dating, etc etc, or ignore the guy's calls/texts/emails and hope he gets the point.

    I'd also be calling up my friend who tried to set me up and tell her what he told you.  I'd personally want to know if she knew about the weed, fighting, etc.


  • ab6704a said:

    Ok, I'm stuck in a box here....

    First off, smoking weed would be a deal breaker for me, even occasional use.  If that's a dealbreaker for you, there's nothing wrong with that. 

    I'd also be bothered by how strongly he seems to be approaching someone he hasn't  really spent any time with and his admissions of having a temper. Some people have a temper and can learn to control it - that's fine, it's just not something I would be willing to deal with in a relationship.  If you're not feeling comfortable meeting with him, and I can see why you wouldn't be, then your options are to be straight with him and tell him why you're not interested in going out (like the weed thing), make something up, like you're realizing you're not really ready to jump back into dating, etc etc, or ignore the guy's calls/texts/emails and hope he gets the point.

    I'd also be calling up my friend who tried to set me up and tell her what he told you.  I'd personally want to know if she knew about the weed, fighting, etc.

    Yeah I suppose I can just leave it at the weed/tell him we're too different. I'm hoping he doesn't call me today as he said he would. He was not too happy when I said I like to take my own car the first couple of times going out with someone.

    No. My friend had no idea about the weed or fighting/temper issues. She's a very sane-minded good friend who hates weed and knows I do too.  
  • Weren't you on here a few months ago in a very similar situation? Saw someone's facebook and didn't like what you saw, but felt you had to date him? All I can say is - trust your instincts!! You don't like what you're seeing and hearing, so cut it off! It would be a HUGE red flag to me that someone bragged about his temper, threw things, punched a wall, etc. It's also not cool that he didn't understand why you want to take your own car. If he was a good guy, he'd understand that people need to play it safe. Don't go out with him, and maybe stop listening to this friend who keeps recommending that you go out with weirdos!
    doeydo
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2014
    It sounds like you're really not into this guy. If you don't want to go out with him, then don't. Just tell him that you don't think you'd be a good match and leave it at that. If you want to elaborate, you can, but be prepared for some defensive statements. However, you don't owe him an explanation. It's up to you how much you want to explain.

    After the first post, I thought you might just be nervous, but since you keep finding things that turn you off, I'm wondering why you're still considering it. Especially since you already had reservations. You don't want to go out with him? Don't go out with him! Why does it seem like you're looking for validation?

    (Seriously, I'm not trying to be mean, but I get the feeling there are some underlying issues at play here.)
    image
  • :: shrugs ::

    I wouldn't date him.  Not even one time.  If he calls again I would say " We are not a good match for each other " and leave it at that.  You don't have to explain to him why, just keep saying you are not a good match and say your peace.  
  • GilliC said:
    It sounds like you're really not into this guy. If you don't want to go out with him, then don't. Just tell him that you don't think you'd be a good match and leave it at that. If you want to elaborate, you can, but be prepared for some defensive statements. However, you don't owe him an explanation. It's up to you how much you want to explain.

    After the first post, I thought you might just be nervous, but since you keep finding things that turn you off, I'm wondering why you're still considering it. Especially since you already had reservations. You don't want to go out with him? Don't go out with him! Why does it seem like you're looking for validation?

    (Seriously, I'm not trying to be mean, but I get the feeling there are some underlying issues at play here.)

    You're right I guess I am looking for validation because a good friend of mine tried to set me up not knowing he's a loon. I've decided not to take a chance with this guy. I'd rather be single than with a possible psycho.

    I ended up telling him that something personal arose so I don't have time for new friendships or time to date anyone. I figure it's the best thing to say in case he is weird/dangerous.


  • Leftie22 said:
    Weren't you on here a few months ago in a very similar situation? Saw someone's facebook and didn't like what you saw, but felt you had to date him? All I can say is - trust your instincts!! You don't like what you're seeing and hearing, so cut it off! It would be a HUGE red flag to me that someone bragged about his temper, threw things, punched a wall, etc. It's also not cool that he didn't understand why you want to take your own car. If he was a good guy, he'd understand that people need to play it safe. Don't go out with him, and maybe stop listening to this friend who keeps recommending that you go out with weirdos!

    Yes. Sort of. The man I am speaking about now was searched out by a good friend. He's a guy she's encountered quite a bit that she thought seemed nice and good for me. Unfortunately, she is wrong. Glad I learned he's a loon in conversation before a real date.

    The other guy (last winter/early spring) was someone who started talking to me through FB because we shared a mutual friend. I am not a fan of meeting men online (why this friend thought she found a great guy for me).

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