Sex & Romance
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Frustrated

I just need to vent. Here goes...

My husband won't have sex with me. Not because he is cheating, but because he is always (I really don't know, but I am guessing) not feeling well. His complaints: 1. I feel bloated, 2. I ate too much, 3. my body hurts (mind you he does not have a stressful nor back-breaking job; he takes care of fish and plants all day!). This is a nightly thing. We have sex about every other week and I would like to have it at least every other day. Why? Because I want to start a family. I want a baby. So I can't help but think that he is subconsciously sabotaging my wants. I feel lost, lonely, and yearning for something more. I love my husband and would NEVER leave him in any way, but I don't want to feel sad anymore. I guess I just need a change, a goal. He is content with only having his comfortable job. He makes half of what I do, so I feel like I am always carrying the weight. I pay for EVERYTHING. And he pays for "toys" for himself. I simply don't feel special anymore in his eyes. I feel as if he has grown too comfortable with me doing everything that now I have to carry the burden of our life. I don't want to feel this way. I want a child so much that it hurts when others talk about their children, when I see children in public, on television, etc. I am thinking about going back to school to get my masters just so I have something else to focus on and take my mind off of this absence. I want him to go to school as well, but he is so afraid of change I fear he will never go. I am at a loss. I need some advice. Please. And thanks for "listening". 

Re: Frustrated

  • veganMaus said:

    "Frustrated"
    I just need to vent. Here goes...

    My husband won't have sex with me. Not because he is cheating, but because he is always (I really don't know, but I am guessing) not feeling well. His complaints: 1. I feel bloated, 2. I ate too much, 3. my body hurts (mind you he does not have a stressful nor back-breaking job; he takes care of fish and plants all day!). This is a nightly thing.


    If he has always been like this, chances are he is not a very sexual kind of guy. This is the "norm" for him --- but wow, what about what you want?

    It's imperative he meet your "requirements" more or less -- twice or 3 times a week would be great.


    We have sex about every other week and I would like to have it at least every other day. Why? Because I want to start a family. I want a baby. So I can't help but think that he is subconsciously sabotaging my wants. I feel lost, lonely, and yearning for something more. I love my husband and would NEVER leave him in any way, but I don't want to feel sad anymore.

    Have you talked to him outside of the bedroom?

    You need to talk to him -- and at length: "Honey, you're hot and I want us to have more sex. What do you think? Twice a week would be fantastic!" and then let him have the floor.

    The thing is he has to ensure your happiness, just as you ensure his. This is a character issue and a "forsaking all others" issue.


    I guess I just need a change, a goal. He is content with only having his comfortable job. He makes half of what I do, so I feel like I am always carrying the weight. I pay for EVERYTHING.

    Why do you pull the whole financial load???

    And this is fine with him???

    This isn't fine with me.

    Wow.:(

    And he pays for "toys" for himself. I simply don't feel special anymore in his eyes. I feel as if he has grown too comfortable with me doing everything that now I have to carry the burden of our life. I don't want to feel this way. I want a child so much that it hurts when others talk about their children, when I see children in public, on television, etc. I am thinking about going back to school to get my masters just so I have something else to focus on and take my mind off of this absence. I want him to go to school as well, but he is so afraid of change I fear he will never go. I am at a loss. I need some advice. Please. And thanks for "listening". 
    How long have the 2 of you been married?
    Has he always been like this?

    This post has my head spinning. He seems wishy washy and lacadaisical and to make a wife pul the financial load -- don't ask what that makes him; this is mixed company and a place where ladies and gentlemen congregate! WOW!

    You need to talk to him, about everything, especially the financial "distribution" here! WHy are you paying for everything???

    Things have to shape up or he nigh well can ship out. He "blew" it with me when you said you pay for everything -- and why the heck do you need him at all? at this point, you have a roommate and not a husband!

    Talk to him and get resolution fast.  If he gives you excuses or promises and he does not follow through, you figure out where to go from here. GL.
    doeydo
  • sounds like you have more issues than the sexual frequency issue.  Please don't bring a baby into this until you communicate thru all of your issues.  you may want a baby really bad right now, and I totally understand that as I wanted a baby really bad when I was 25-26 but I'm glad I didn't do that.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited July 2014

    If the OP is still tuned in, I’d like to know why the financial arrangement is just fine by her.

    OP: You are pulling the full financial cart in this sham of a marriage – and he is doing what, letting you pay for all with no contribution?

    What is he doing with his money – which is really YOUR money and his, because when you get married, your money, paycheck, assets and et cetera and his money, etc equals  OUR money.

    Any guy who doesn’t blink an eye while his wife pays for all is no man at all: this is a bum and this is a pig.

    What I suggest you do  -- and do it tonight; this bullshit can’t continue:

    Tell him that as of now, you and he will be the chief financial officers of your household. And that your paycheck and his will go into one joint checking account and from there, that is how you and he will pay the bills and other expenses, like a nice normal couple.

    If he does not immediately and heartily agree to this arrangement, arrange to show him the door, posthaste.

    He is living off you and that is a fact. He is spending his money – which is really YOUR money and HIS --- on whatever he wants to spend it on and you are seeing nothing wrong with it!

    He will bleed you dry and he is taking advantage of you.

    If he won’t jointly support your household, divorce this characterless bum. Life is too short to waste your youth, your sexuality and your money on a first class shit.


    trntyrebrth
  • You've got two totally separate problems here. Firstly the financial one seems incredibly unjust. It's not fair that you are paying for all the basic living costs if this is the case?! Understandable if you don;t yet have a family that you might not be pooling your money yet, but you're letting him get away with sponging off you. 
    Perhaps he feels insecure because you're the main earner, but you guys should be splitting the costs of living, even if it's proportional, say you pay 2/3 if you earn more. You should raise this issue and see how he reacts, If he isn't willing it sounds like he's essentially using you.
    The sexual thing is also quite complicated. Has he always had a lower sex drive than you? Because if it only started happening when the subject of a baby came up then you've hit the nail on the head yourself, and sounds like he has a reluctance to commit. 
    Although it might seem daunting you have a HUGE decision to make here. And soon. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about both of these issues. Potentially you could be making a big mistake by continuing down the line of having a baby. Good luck however you play it.
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