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MIL Trouble

So I've got a problem and am not sure how to handle it. My DH and I recently moved to a different state, quite far away from our families. My parents are thrilled for us, MIL can't stop crying. Not only can she not stop crying, she's developed a pretty strong hatred of me. I "stole" her son away from her. My problem is this: I've helped her with setting up her Facebook, so I have all of her information stored in my computer. She's been acting pretty wretched to me lately, so I snooped. I know it was wrong, so please no lectures. And now I really wish I hadn't. I have no plans on calling her out for what I read, because it's my own fault I went looking for it. That being said-WOW. She hates me! She's telling family members that I'm forcing DH into fatherhood. I'm not, we've discussed it and want to start trying next year. She's telling them that I forced him into moving and he's miserable here. He's also not miserable; his job is pretty bad, but that's the only complaint he has. But that's not the worst. She is telling all of her family members that I'm a bitch, and she hopes he leaves me and comes home. And then after he comes back home to her she'll kick my ass. Um...what? I've done nothing wrong. All I've done is love her son with all of me. I guess my problem is that I don't know how to proceed from here. Obviously I went looking for validation that she has an issue with me, and boy did I find it. But how do I proceed from here knowing she feels that way? DH says she's just going through a hard time because she misses him. But to wish he'd leave me? That's a little much. Not to mention we're very happy together. It's not like he's miserable; so she's basically wishing unhappiness on her son just to satisfy her needs. I'm totally at a loss on how to proceed with her. Suggestions?

Re: MIL Trouble

  • So I've got a problem and am not sure how to handle it. My DH and I recently moved to a different state, quite far away from our families. My parents are thrilled for us, MIL can't stop crying. Not only can she not stop crying, she's developed a pretty strong hatred of me.

    Lots of this is empty nest, guilt she is trying to push onto you and your H and lots is just plain silliness on her part.

    Ignore it ---- as tough as it may seem, especially the hatred part, ignore it.

    If she truly does hate you because her son took a wife, it also could be that she might have a problem with her mental health.

    Is there a third party who can talk some sense into her --- somebody neutral who can get through to her?

     I "stole" her son away from her.

    Too bad for her.

    My problem is this: I've helped her with setting up her Facebook, so I have all of her information stored in my computer. She's been acting pretty wretched to me lately, so I snooped. I know it was wrong, so please no lectures.

    This is where it gets funny....block her if you can.  And delete all of her information. You don't need to play this kind of a game with yourself.


    And now I really wish I hadn't. I have no plans on calling her out for what I read, because it's my own fault I went looking for it. That being said-WOW. She hates me! She's telling family members that I'm forcing DH into fatherhood. I'm not, we've discussed it and want to start trying next year. She's telling them that I forced him into moving and he's miserable here. He's also not miserable; his job is pretty bad, but that's the only complaint he has. But that's not the worst. She is telling all of her family members that I'm a bitch, and she hopes he leaves me and comes home. And then after he comes back home to her she'll kick my ass. Um...what? I've done nothing wrong. All I've done is love her son with all of me. I guess my problem is that I don't know how to proceed from here. Obviously I went looking for validation that she has an issue with me, and boy did I find it. But how do I proceed from here knowing she feels that way? DH says she's just going through a hard time because she misses him. But to wish he'd leave me? That's a little much. Not to mention we're very happy together. It's not like he's miserable; so she's basically wishing unhappiness on her son just to satisfy her needs. I'm totally at a loss on how to proceed with her. Suggestions?
    My other suggestion:

    Your H needs to stand up for you.

    And tell his mother to cut out the nastiness and divisiveness toward you and him. That's right: if she is nasty and rotten to you, she is nasty and rotten to the both of you.

    I see no evidence here that he is being a man and sticking up for you -- does he know his mother is doing this?

    If he does not, I strongly suggest you tell him --- and that is where he needs to go to bat for you.

    If he tells her to cut it out and she keeps this up and it gets sticky because now it is turning into something that can be defamatory, you may have to obtain an attorney to tell her to back down.

    Life isn't meant to be lived this way.

    It's essential that he tell her where to go -- and if he won't do that, this is an H problem, not a MIL problem.

    As I said, she may be a little nuts ---- that is very possible. He needs to tell her to cut it out -- and preferably in the presence of you. GL.
    fancyface22
  • edited August 2014
    Just a couple of questions:

    Is he the only son?

    I'll also bet he is the only child, too, and she's probably a widow or divorced and hasn't got a male companion.  Very likely she used your H as more or less a husband substitute for all these years.

    And this is what I hate about FB and the internet --- now she's going to turn this into an on-line hate fest and pissing match.  All the more reason to block her and delete whatever info you have that is "hers." As I said, don't play this kind of mind game with yourself.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Your DH knows you read this stuff?  And his response is "she's going through a hard time"? 

    Um... yeah, partially a DH problem here.  She's badmouthing you to family.  That's not ok.  She's painting you to be the bad guy.  That's not o.k.

    he needs to be backing you up and finding a way to deal with his mom.  He needs to do/say something to her to make her "get it" that he's a grown man who actually does have a brain of his own and he works WITH you to make decisions TOGETHER about what the BOTH of you want for your futures.  He isn't a brainless lump who has to be told what he's going to do with his life.
    fancyface22TarponMonoxide
  • Thank you for your advice! I can't pretend like I'm this ideal DIL that she should be honored to have. I'm very close to my family, so I didn't jump right into DH's. I think she thought I was going to join her family and become another submissive member. Unfortunately for her I'm very stubborn. I don't like being told what to do. But that doesn't mean I don't treat MIL with respect. I just don't do everything she wants me to. And I would never go out of my way to hurt her.
    I see no evidence here that he is being a man and sticking up for you -- does he know his mother is doing this?
    He isn't taking my side on this one at all. He said this is all my fault because I looked for it. Fair enough. That's why I'm not asking him to bring up what she said-I only feel like that will make it worse. But I did tell him she hopes we divorce. He brushed it off and said she's just having a hard time right now because she misses him and this is how she handles things. He's stuck up for me in the past. She tried to take control of our wedding and he made her back down. I like to think if she ever said this stuff to him he'd stand up for me. I get that it's his mother, and he doesn't want to think she'd say stuff like this. 
    I know I really backed myself into a corner by snooping around. I'm just worried that she's only going to get worse and it'll put stress on our marriage. Not to mention she's under the impression she'll be kicking my ass at some point. It may be a figure of speech for her, but that's a ridiculous thing to tell people.
    I'm wondering if I should put it on the back burner for now. I don't want to push him away by always complaining about his mom.
  • VOR said:
    Your DH knows you read this stuff?  And his response is "she's going through a hard time"? 

    Um... yeah, partially a DH problem here.  She's badmouthing you to family.  That's not ok.  She's painting you to be the bad guy.  That's not o.k.

    he needs to be backing you up and finding a way to deal with his mom.  He needs to do/say something to her to make her "get it" that he's a grown man who actually does have a brain of his own and he works WITH you to make decisions TOGETHER about what the BOTH of you want for your futures.  He isn't a brainless lump who has to be told what he's going to do with his life.
    He says all of that to me, about having a mind of his own. I just wish he'd say it to her. But I'm sure if he said it she'd just think I'm forcing him to pretend to be happy. I literally don't think I can win with her. She's very manipulative.
  • Just a couple of questions:

    Is he the only son?

    I'll also bet he is the only child, too, and she's probably a widow or divorced and hasn't got a male companion.  Very likely she used your H as more or less a husband substitute for all these years.

    And this is what I hate about FB and the internet --- now she's going to turn this into an on-line hate fest and pissing match.  All the more reason to block her and delete whatever info you have that is "hers." As I said, don't play this kind of mind game with yourself.
    He is the only son. He actually has sisters, but they aren't as close with her. She also has a (slave) husband. He's sweet, but very incompetent. DH has spent the better part of his life taking care of her. But at the same time they're not very close. He's always presented them as a burden to me.
    I want to delete her from my FB, but he said that would only cause more problems. So now I'm forced to sensor myself just to keep her happy.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Sure, it's your problem that you now KNOW this stuff, and should he go to her w/ this specific information?  No.

    BUT the fact that she's bad mouthing you to family?  That's NOT cool.  And what he doesn't get - even if (IF) she chills out, the rest of his family isn't going to like you.  Because of her and the lies she's told them.  It's going to make for uncomfortable get togethers! 

    And FB?  Put her on a restricted list and let her only see the bare minimum.  No reason you need to sensor yourself. 
  • It sucks, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. My MIL loves to bad mouth me to my SIL. SIL sticks up for me (so does DH if she says something to him) but I know that no matter what, MIL will always blame me. Her latest thing is blaming me for his tattoos. Um, he had been wanting one way before I met him. He has drawings from high school (we met at least 15 years later than that) And does she even know her son? No way would he do something he didn't want to, no matter how much I (or anyone else) begged him. He's stubborn that way. Chances are the rest of the family knows she's looney tunes and it won't affect the way they think of you.
  • fancyface22fancyface22 member
    First Comment
    edited August 2014
    It seems a lot of people are afraid of her because she's so demanding. I'm not really worried about how her family views me. They're not very close anyway. The whole family only gets together for weddings and funerals.
    I should have known she was going to be a problem though. We had a massive flood fairly early in our relationship. Luckily nobody was hurt, but we lost everything. The day after it happened we were invited to a small party because her cousin was visiting. We declined and she threw a legitimate temper tantrum. So I said we should go just to shut her up. I had enough things to worry about, I didn't need her too. When we got there nobody really even spoke to us or acknowledged what happened. Absolute waste of time, but at least DH stood up for us and let her know she was out of line with the way she was treating us.
    She also told everybody that DH wasn't comfortable with me on our wedding day. We had a very small ceremony with a justice of the peace-broke her hear it wasn't a priest! Afterwards people were telling her how beautiful it was and she told them that while I was happy, DH just went along with what I said because he doesn't like conflict. So not true.
    Sorry this is a long post. I've kept a lot in because I don't want to rock the boat with her or DH. But now that I'm writing it all down it's obvious she's a nut case.
    I can't imagine how terrible she'll be when we start having kids!
  • edited August 2014
    Thank you for your advice! I can't pretend like I'm this ideal DIL that she should be honored to have. I'm very close to my family, so I didn't jump right into DH's. I think she thought I was going to join her family and become another submissive member. Unfortunately for her I'm very stubborn. I don't like being told what to do. But that doesn't mean I don't treat MIL with respect. I just don't do everything she wants me to. And I would never go out of my way to hurt her.
    I see no evidence here that he is being a man and sticking up for you -- does he know his mother is doing this?
    He isn't taking my side on this one at all. He said this is all my fault because I looked for it. Fair enough. That's why I'm not asking him to bring up what she said-I only feel like that will make it worse. But I did tell him she hopes we divorce. He brushed it off and said she's just having a hard time right now because she misses him and this is how she handles things.

    Not good.

    You asked for it???

    Wow ---- he needs to take your side.


    He's stuck up for me in the past. She tried to take control of our wedding and he made her back down. I like to think if she ever said this stuff to him he'd stand up for me. I get that it's his mother, and he doesn't want to think she'd say stuff like this.

    Wedding stuff is petty bullshit -- but what she is doing is not petty bullshit. She's got to be stopped right there.

    I know I really backed myself into a corner by snooping around. I'm just worried that she's only going to get worse and it'll put stress on our marriage. Not to mention she's under the impression she'll be kicking my ass at some point. It may be a figure of speech for her, but that's a ridiculous thing to tell people.
    I'm wondering if I should put it on the back burner for now. I don't want to push him away by always complaining about his mom.
    Put stress on your marriage?

    It will also drive a wedge between you and your H. Nobody at all is supposed to be coming between you and he and he is also not to "forsake all others." By virtue of the fact he makes excuses for her, he's forsaking you.

    Don't stand for this.  Demand that he tell her to cool it.

    ALso demand that you and he see a marriage counselor; he's got to cut the apron strings.

    If he refuses to cut her down and if he refuses to get counseling, very bad news.

    I can't imagine how terrible she'll be when we start having kids!

    So you plan to be with him still in a few years???

    I wouldn't think of TTC with somebody who cannot be a full partner with me. His place is with you now; YOU are his family and vice versa.

    I suggest a counselor for  you, stat: yu need to know what is healthy and what is not; none of this bodes well for you and your marriage.

    I want to delete her from my FB, but he said that would only cause more problems. So now I'm forced to sensor myself just to keep her happy.

    No. What you are doing is going along with what he says.

    None of this is healthy and none of this is good. The bottom line is he is to take your side and that is no ifts ands or buts. His place is with you, not his mother.

    The only other alternative:

    Cut her off completely and profoundly: you don't answer her phone calls, emails or snail mails and you do not answer the door when she knocks on it.

    Cutting her off is one thing but the big problem is you don't have a husband who is mature enough to stand up for what is right and he cannot stand up for you. You could move to TImbuktu at this point and never see her again but his problem will still exist.

    Knowing that she was this problematic before you married him should have made you question whether or not it was even worth it to marry this guy: she was already nasty to you and he was not standing up for you then.

    So as you can see: marriage doesn't cure a guy like that.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I think you need to start rocking to boat.  Especially if you really do want to have kids.  You need to nip this shit in the bud NOW.  not after you have kids.  You HAVE to know that your DH will back you up. 

    And you also need to realize that YOU have a voice too.  She bad mouths you to the family?  Well- then screw it.  Unfriend her.  It will piss her off?  So what?  Who's she going to bitch to?  Oh yea, the people who she's already said nasty things about you too.  Either they'll just continue to think you're a bitch.  OR they are going to realize MIL is nuts.

    But.... either way, does it matter? 

    Stand up for yourself.  Show your DH that you're done w/ her and how she treats you.  Stop walking on eggshells aroudn BOTH of them.

    And seriously- DO NOT wait until you have kids to do something about this.
  • Wow I can relate to this exactly.  My advice would be to ignore her.  So what if she doesn't like you?  Like you said you only have to see them for weddings and funerals.  I agree with PP to delete her information - you are only going to stress yourself if you keep reading this stuff.  

    If she can't talk like an adult and insists on throwing tantrums/crying etc let the voice mail speak to her.  Eventually if you and H don't give her the attention that she is craving she will move on and find someone else to throw a pity party for her. H needs to be more on board with you though.  Because as you said it can stress your marriage BIG TIME if you aren't on the same page.
  • Wow I can relate to this exactly.  My advice would be to ignore her.  So what if she doesn't like you?  Like you said you only have to see them for weddings and funerals.  I agree with PP to delete her information - you are only going to stress yourself if you keep reading this stuff.  

    If she can't talk like an adult and insists on throwing tantrums/crying etc let the voice mail speak to her.  Eventually if you and H don't give her the attention that she is craving she will move on and find someone else to throw a pity party for her. H needs to be more on board with you though.  Because as you said it can stress your marriage BIG TIME if you aren't on the same page.
    All of this is fine -- the ignoring --but in this shrew's case, she needs to be cut down to size by her son.

    Poor form on the MIL's part and poorer form than that on the part of the OP's H. He's got to stand up for his wife.

    Family can get under your skin and I am willing to bet this was the kind of household where he grew to understand that the unhealthy atmosphere in it was the norm --- all the more reason for the OP's H to get counseling and in a hurry.
  • Thank you guys! So I decided to have a talk with DH about it, even though he didn't want to hear it at first. He tried to tell me that I have to it go because I just can't understand how she feels, having her favorite child taken from her. But I wasn't going to let him dismiss me or my feelings this time. Once I explained how I was feeling, and what I expected him to do he paid more attention. I told him I don't want to have a lifelong battle with her over him, but that he should stick up for me when I need him to. Of course not even 24 hours later she said something snotty about me. I wasn't in the same room when they were having their conversation (it was on the phone). Suddenly I heard him letting her know that he wouldn't listen to it; so whatever ideas she has about discussing our marriage with him, she can just drop it all right now. And then the phone call was over and we haven't heard from her since.
    I do want to have kids with him in the future, after all, I am madly in love with him. But I made it clear that I expect him to put me and our kids first and he said of course he would. So I guess we'll just see how things go from here!
  • Good for you (and your H!!)  It will take time but as long as you are both on the same page things will settle.  I think Tarpon was absolutely correct in saying that they think this behavior is normal - it is very hard for someone to understand why such "normal" behavior can be so offensive. (I had very similar issues with my H).  Just keep on communicating with him when these situations arise.  Stand your ground.  Good luck!
    fancyface22
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