Trouble in Paradise
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Exhausting I don't care behavior

I don't really know where to start. ok...I have been with my husband for 7 years(married for 4 years). We love each other dearly! I guess the biggest issue is his general I don't care attitude. He acts like he doesn't care about feelings, responsibilities, or health. Don't get me wrong He is great at saying I love you and you look pretty but sometimes his lack of understanding body language or vocal tone is exhausting. The social awkwardness is equally difficult. I frequently have to explain what he said was not appropriate or generally what is going on in the current situation. He had bad childhood and doesn't understand family bond. That makes family events and holidays a no go. It is also hard for him to make and keep friends. People just give up on him. I do not want to give up on him! I love him too darn much! My patience is wearing thin with unbalanced give and take. We don't have kids and are not going to school at the moment. This is hard! I hate complaining when other people have harder lives. I feel like a maid, secretary, and mom more than a spouse. I am the primary provider. My job isn't difficult but it is a full time job. He works part time and sales collectables on the side. It is hard getting him to work! He has no sense of urgency....saying "it doesn't matter if I am late". We are not in debt or anything but pretty much living paycheck to paycheck. His toy collecting really burns a hole in our pocket. Collecting brings him joy and his knowledge of toys is impressive. I don't mind his hobby but it has become an obsession! We have toys in every room, closet, and corner. The invasion just grows...It is like a scene from toy soldiers! This focus can take precedence over common responsibilities including health. He has to have that rare collectable with its high price even if we have more pressing financial obligations. He sometimes forgets to eat. When he does eat he tries to make up for missing the previous meal. I try to have a healthy diet. Working with him to make a meal plan is a chore! He refuses to talk about it and yet complains about what we do have to eat. Our work schedules are completely different so it makes it is difficult to cook him the fresh meals he wants. He has given up cooking for himself saying "I just don't feel like cooking". It is a shame. He is a great cook! Ok that is my rant for now...any thoughts?

Re: Exhausting I don't care behavior

  • No. He has never been evaluated. I know little about autism and just recently was introduced to the idea. When this was suggested it really opened my eyes! That is the main reason I am reaching out on communities like this. Confronting him is going to be a struggle.

  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't really know where to start. ok...I have been with my husband for 7 years(married for 4 years). We love each other dearly! I guess the biggest issue is his general I don't care attitude. He acts like he doesn't care about feelings, responsibilities, or health. Don't get me wrong He is great at saying I love you and you look pretty but sometimes his lack of understanding body language or vocal tone is exhausting. The social awkwardness is equally difficult. I frequently have to explain what he said was not appropriate or generally what is going on in the current situation. He had bad childhood and doesn't understand family bond. That makes family events and holidays a no go. It is also hard for him to make and keep friends. People just give up on him. I do not want to give up on him! I love him too darn much! My patience is wearing thin with unbalanced give and take. We don't have kids and are not going to school at the moment. This is hard! I hate complaining when other people have harder lives. I feel like a maid, secretary, and mom more than a spouse. I am the primary provider. My job isn't difficult but it is a full time job. He works part time and sales collectables on the side. It is hard getting him to work! He has no sense of urgency....saying "it doesn't matter if I am late". We are not in debt or anything but pretty much living paycheck to paycheck. His toy collecting really burns a hole in our pocket. Collecting brings him joy and his knowledge of toys is impressive. I don't mind his hobby but it has become an obsession! We have toys in every room, closet, and corner. The invasion just grows...It is like a scene from toy soldiers! This focus can take precedence over common responsibilities including health. He has to have that rare collectable with its high price even if we have more pressing financial obligations. He sometimes forgets to eat. When he does eat he tries to make up for missing the previous meal. I try to have a healthy diet. Working with him to make a meal plan is a chore! He refuses to talk about it and yet complains about what we do have to eat. Our work schedules are completely different so it makes it is difficult to cook him the fresh meals he wants. He has given up cooking for himself saying "I just don't feel like cooking". It is a shame. He is a great cook! Ok that is my rant for now...any thoughts?
    He definitely sounds like he has some autistic tendencies. Unfortunately that means that it's going to be difficult for you to fix things on your own. I'd suggest finding a specialist who can help find ways to manage his most troublesome behavorial traits, which means prioritizing all of the things that are bothering you. You aren't going to be able to fix them all any time soon, so pick one or two that are most important.

    Presumably he's always been like this? How did you handle these problems for the last 7 years?
    image
    TarponMonoxide
  • Yes he has always been this way. Honestly I don’t know how I have handled it. Young love? I am a pretty adaptive person. I don’t ask for much and love to give to other people. It has just been getting more and more overwhelming. I also have great family support system. They are all aware of his behavior and try hard to reach out and make him comfortable. The more I think about the future the more nervous I get.

  • edited July 2014
    I don't really know where to start. ok...I have been with my husband for 7 years(married for 4 years). We love each other dearly! I guess the biggest issue is his general I don't care attitude. He acts like he doesn't care about feelings, responsibilities, or health. Don't get me wrong He is great at saying I love you and you look pretty but sometimes his lack of understanding body language or vocal tone is exhausting. The social awkwardness is equally difficult. I frequently have to explain what he said was not appropriate or generally what is going on in the current situation. He had bad childhood and doesn't understand family bond. That makes family events and holidays a no go. It is also hard for him to make and keep friends. People just give up on him. I do not want to give up on him! I love him too darn much! My patience is wearing thin with unbalanced give and take. We don't have kids and are not going to school at the moment. This is hard! I hate complaining when other people have harder lives. I feel like a maid, secretary, and mom more than a spouse. I am the primary provider. My job isn't difficult but it is a full time job. He works part time and sales collectables on the side. It is hard getting him to work! He has no sense of urgency....saying "it doesn't matter if I am late". We are not in debt or anything but pretty much living paycheck to paycheck. His toy collecting really burns a hole in our pocket. Collecting brings him joy and his knowledge of toys is impressive. I don't mind his hobby but it has become an obsession! We have toys in every room, closet, and corner. The invasion just grows...It is like a scene from toy soldiers! This focus can take precedence over common responsibilities including health. He has to have that rare collectable with its high price even if we have more pressing financial obligations. He sometimes forgets to eat. When he does eat he tries to make up for missing the previous meal. I try to have a healthy diet. Working with him to make a meal plan is a chore! He refuses to talk about it and yet complains about what we do have to eat. Our work schedules are completely different so it makes it is difficult to cook him the fresh meals he wants. He has given up cooking for himself saying "I just don't feel like cooking". It is a shame. He is a great cook! Ok that is my rant for now...any thoughts?
    Has your H ever been tested for a learning disability or evaluated for something like autism spectrum?

    This may be his problem.

    The fact that you mentioned he has a tough time socially and has problems picking up verbal and body language cues and that he's got a bit of an empathy problem and also that it is hard for him to make and keep a friend is a give away, as is the fact he has not got a full time job that he has been at for a good long clip indicate that something autism spectrum may be his dilemma

    This doesn't make him retarded, or crazy. if this is his problem, there is no shame and no disgrace.

    He needs to speak to a therapist and mention that perhaps this is his problem and he'd like to be tested to see what's what.

    He loves toys --- is it possible for him to consider a sales career selling toys or something like his passion's collection?

    Research all you can about autism spectrum and learning disabilities and then sit down with him and discuss your findings. Tell him gently that you see like parallels in his behavior and social structure as it were.

    Counseling and coaching from a professional will help him greatly. Life is too short to miss out on --- if this is his problem and he got counseling and coaching it will open a whole new world for him.

    Good luck -- let us know what happens.

    You might also make an appointment yourself to see a counselor and tell him or her what you told us. Perhaps he or she will suggest the same thing that I suggested; go see a counselor; it could not hurt.
  • All these behaviors began after your wedding?


  • P { margin-bottom: 0.08in; }

    He hasn't been tested or evaluated. I have brought up counseling in the past. He immediately shut it down. His mother has mental issues. He said "I am not crazy like my mom". :(  Getting him to see it differently is tough.

    I always blamed his upbringing. His family was distant and harsh. I just thought he never learned how to be very compassionate. His friendships start out great but end pretty badly. If the friendship does last long enough for them to actually know each other he gets annoyed they have their own lives. He makes comments like "All he cares about is his family".

    I would love him to get a job with toys! I have been encouraging him to sell more and explore his options. We actually plan on getting a table at an upcoming Comicon. Having him do something he loves in a social setting....I think it is a great step!

    Thanks for your comment! You seem to really understand that I want help for not only our relationship but for him as a person.

    It may take sometime but I will keep you all posted. Just getting it out has helped me personally but I will seek counseling. I want to learn and improve both our lives!

  • No this didn't start after the wedding. It just became more noticeable. 
  • Unless he is the one who actively initiates getting help and unless he is the one who is self-aware, nothing is going to change.

    The money factor is glaring. Suppose you lost your job --- what happens then?

  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    I would also guess Autism.  My mother has recently been thinking that about my father.  It's almost impossible to say to a grow person "I think you have autism" though.  You can recommend that he get some help though.  Hopefully a therapist can get them on that track.  Otherwise, you can try having that conversation, but I'm not sure how that conversation starts.

    I do, however, work with autistic individuals in my line of work.  I wary from using the ASD label- I don't believe it is a disease or a disorder that needs to be cured like cancer and there's no reason to label it as such.  The autist is extremely intelligent- usually above average in intelligence- and simply needs to learn control.

    There is a theory that autistic individuals haven't fully gone through these 3 stages that we tend to complete in the first few years of life.
    1. Individuation 
    2. Identify Development 
    3. Social Integration
    I recommend reading Autism and the Seeds of Change by Abigail Marshall.  They discuss these stages and how to complete them to be able to participate fully in life. 
  • I guess for now I can learn what I can to deal with it and hope eventually he will too. I sure don't want to place a label on him! I just want to understand so I can better our lives. I don't expect him to change! I might not have known fully what I was getting myself into when we got married but I do not regret being with him. 

    Financial stability is a big concern! If I lost my job we would struggle but I am confident we would bounce back. I work very hard to keep us afloat! It helps that we have no debt and that it is just the two of us. I have been tightening the reins on spending. We are now building a savings.

    Thanks for the recommendation BlueBirdMB. I will look into that. 

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