Trouble in Paradise
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I really need advice!

My husband and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last night. We've been having trouble in our marriage basically the whole 2 years. I sadly think we may have gotten married too young. We were only 22. I want to feel noticed by him. My husband rarely touches me, doesn't really give me hugs/kisses,etc. We rarely have sex. He really doesn't like to talk about feelings. And I'm just feeling invisible and really sad. I've brought up these issues many times and he says he really wants to work on them, but after a day or so, everything is back to normal. I thought of an idea that might help him remember to touch me. Pick something (my nose, my knee, anything) and whenever you see it, you can remember to touch me. Needless to say, it hasn't really been helping. It was a weird idea anyway. So last night was our anniversary. I put together 20 mini date nights for us to do in the future. Wine tasting, bubble bath, build a blanket fort, game night, etc. I though it could help us connect more. I don't consider my love language to be "gifts," but my husband's gift for me really hurt me. He bought me some kitchen towels and socks. I think it hurt me so much because we've been talking so much lately about how I want to feel more connected to him and more noticed. I feel like we've struggled so much these 2 years. It's felt more sad and disappointing than happy. I love him so much, but also don't want to feel like this forever, you know? I feel invisible. Can anyone relate or give any advice? I've suggested couples counseling many times, but he says it's too expensive. What should I do?

Re: I really need advice!

  • Do you want to live like this forever? If not YOU have to do something to change it. It takes 2 to make a marriage work and it sounds like you are going it alone.
    If he doesnt want to fix it, then what is left to do? I guess money is more important than his marriage?

    I suggest that you go to counseling alone and make some decisions.


  • CaseyBri7 said:
    My husband and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last night. We've been having trouble in our marriage basically the whole 2 years.

    Well, so sorry to say that if you were having problem since the start of the marriage, there had to be problems before you tied the knot.

    Those problems should have been addressed before you got married, and resolved before you got married.

    If trhe problems were things like a relationship running its course, he and/or you cheated or you fought continually, the 2 of you should have gone your separate ways. You don't get married when there are insurmountable problems.


    I sadly think we may have gotten married too young. We were only 22.

    Perhaps yu hit the nail on the head.

     I want to feel noticed by him. My husband rarely touches me, doesn't really give me hugs/kisses,etc. We rarely have sex.

    Then you should have said goodbye when it was clear he was not what you wanted int he way of being affectionate and not what you wanted sexually.

    He really doesn't like to talk about feelings. And I'm just feeling invisible and really sad. I've brought up these issues many times and he says he really wants to work on them, but after a day or so, everything is back to normal. I thought of an idea that might help him remember to touch me. Pick something (my nose, my knee, anything) and whenever you see it, you can remember to touch me. Needless to say, it hasn't really been helping.

    If you have to prompt somebody to notice you or touch you, very bad news.

    The game may not be worth the candle -- it may not even be worth the both of you geting counseling --- if the problems are this bad and this severe. Maybe you and he should just call it quits in a case like that.

     It was a weird idea anyway. So last night was our anniversary. I put together 20 mini date nights for us to do in the future. Wine tasting, bubble bath, build a blanket fort, game night, etc. I though it could help us connect more. I don't consider my love language to be "gifts," but my husband's gift for me really hurt me. He bought me some kitchen towels and socks.

    I don't know about the gift idea; perhaps this is all he could afford. Maybe that is where this is at.

    It also sounds like you are doing all the work. Not great.


    I think it hurt me so much because we've been talking so much lately about how I want to feel more connected to him and more noticed. I feel like we've struggled so much these 2 years. It's felt more sad and disappointing than happy. I love him so much, but also don't want to feel like this forever, you know? I feel invisible. Can anyone relate or give any advice? I've suggested couples counseling many times, but he says it's too expensive. What should I do?
    See if you can find a low cost or rolling fee counselor -- call your local department of mental health for a referral.

    Have you talked to him at length about how unhappy you are? You should.

    And if he still won't work on this with you and make it stick, decide where you want to go on this.

    If a guy isn't a sexual one from the start, he never will be. What you see is what you get; no amount of "I now pronounce you husband and wife" will turn him into a raving sex machine.
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