Trouble in Paradise
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Facebook- what would you do?

Ok, so my husband hasn't cheated and I don't think he ever would, but he's done something that is very disturbing to me and I don't know what to do. One of my best friends is a fitness competitor (bikini) and she is constantly blowing up facebook with half naked pics of herself. We've been friends for years and are very close and made plans to go out to lunch this weekend. I noticed my husband has been talking about her quite a bit (are you guys still meeting for lunch this weekend? oh is she stopping by the house? kind of stuff). There's actually been a couple of times where he brought her up and I changed the subject because it made me uncomfortable, like why the sudden interest in my friend? So I decided to check his facebook history cause I had this weird gut feeling. Come to find out he's been searching three girls pretty much daily for months- one of them being my friend. So obviously he is looking at her facebook and checking out the pics of her a**, etc. that she posts on there all the time. I feel like throwing up. Now I know why he's been talking about her so much. This feels worse than him looking at porn because she is my friend. This isn't some random chick that he doesn't know and has no way of ever seeing, this is my friend! She went to our wedding. This is painful because while it is not cheating, to know that he's sitting there oogling one of my closest friends makes me physically ill. I don't even want to know what he's doing while looking at her pics. I should note she NEVER posts statuses or discussions, it's nothing but pics of her doing sexy poses in a bikini. So he can't be looking at it for "reading material." I don't know if I should confront him and be like WTF or ignore it or what. The other two girls he searches aren't friends with him on facebook and I have no idea who they are, but I think he may have dated them in the past. The frequency that he searches them and the length of time is super disturbing to me (every day and I looked at the history for three months before I couldn't take anymore and logged out). He has also searched ex girlfriends although not as frequently. My friend seems to be his "favorite." What would you guys do?

Re: Facebook- what would you do?

  • I just went back and looked at the actual times, he is searching her multiple times a day, even while he is at work. Sometimes every hour for three or four hours in a row. Am I being crazy?? This isn't normal, right?
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ok, so my husband hasn't cheated and I don't think he ever would, but he's done something that is very disturbing to me and I don't know what to do. One of my best friends is a fitness competitor (bikini) and she is constantly blowing up facebook with half naked pics of herself. We've been friends for years and are very close and made plans to go out to lunch this weekend. I noticed my husband has been talking about her quite a bit (are you guys still meeting for lunch this weekend? oh is she stopping by the house? kind of stuff). There's actually been a couple of times where he brought her up and I changed the subject because it made me uncomfortable, like why the sudden interest in my friend? So I decided to check his facebook history cause I had this weird gut feeling. Come to find out he's been searching three girls pretty much daily for months- one of them being my friend. So obviously he is looking at her facebook and checking out the pics of her a**, etc. that she posts on there all the time. I feel like throwing up. Now I know why he's been talking about her so much. This feels worse than him looking at porn because she is my friend. This isn't some random chick that he doesn't know and has no way of ever seeing, this is my friend! She went to our wedding. This is painful because while it is not cheating, to know that he's sitting there oogling one of my closest friends makes me physically ill. I don't even want to know what he's doing while looking at her pics. I should note she NEVER posts statuses or discussions, it's nothing but pics of her doing sexy poses in a bikini. So he can't be looking at it for "reading material." I don't know if I should confront him and be like WTF or ignore it or what. The other two girls he searches aren't friends with him on facebook and I have no idea who they are, but I think he may have dated them in the past. The frequency that he searches them and the length of time is super disturbing to me (every day and I looked at the history for three months before I couldn't take anymore and logged out). He has also searched ex girlfriends although not as frequently. My friend seems to be his "favorite." What would you guys do?
    I just went back and looked at the actual times, he is searching her multiple times a day, even while he is at work. Sometimes every hour for three or four hours in a row. Am I being crazy?? This isn't normal, right?
    What do you mean that he's "searching her?" As in his browsing history shows that he's been looking up her page explicitly? Or just that he's seen or "liked" her pictures?

    If it's the latter, they could just be showing up in his feed because they have mutual friends and other people have liked them. Or he's seen some in the past, so the Facebook algorithm thinks he'd like to see more.

    If you know for certain that he's going out of his way to view her pictures, why don't you talk to him about it?

    Do you mind if he looks at porn or other bikini models? If not, why not tell him that you're a little uncomfortable with the amount of attention he's paying to her pics, since she's your friend, and you don't want to think that he's objectifying someone who's important to you. Suggest he look at other models instead.

    If you mind him looking at other women in general, that's a different problem.

    (Honestly, I wouldn't assume your H is having untoward thoughts. If some hot guy friend started posting sexy pictures on Facebook, I would be tempted to look. And no one's going to bat an eye at your work browsing history for checking Facebook, whereas Chippendales.com might raise a few eyebrows!)
    image
  • He's explicitly searching her facebook. It shows the time and date he searched her page (as in go to the search bar and type the person's name). He's been looking at risque sites on facebook as well, which it doesn't bother me cause I know people look. But this is my best friend. And he is searching her day after day, 3, 4, 5 times. Some days she is the only person he searches. This bothers me because he obviously is attracted to my friend. How am I supposed to ever have her around without thinking he's probably mentally jerking off to her? There's no pics of her and I on her facebook. Come to think of it, all of her pics are bikini shots or semi-scandalous photos. He has a tablet that he brings with him to work, so he's not searching on his actual work computer, he's using his tablet. He brings the same tablet with him into the bathroom. I'm so disgusted. I'm definitely going to talk to him about it. Just wanted to be sure I'm not overreacting and this is weird behavior.
  • Okay, that would make me feel weird too.  My man constantly checking out one of my good gfs..  I would say something.  If something bothers me I tell my H.  He may have some normal reason?  Lol, doubt it is anything more deep, but at least he will know.  Switch it around as if, what if you were always looking at one of his friends in the same aspect.  How would he like it?  I feel that men understand things better when you put it on the other foot.  Make him see your side by doing so.  It works with my H.  He won't get it until I put him in my shoes...  Silly, but it works.  I wouldn't feel great about it either, so no, I don't think you are being weird on this. I would speak up.  GL 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Yeah I definitely don't think it's cheating, I think he is just looking. I'm definitely going to confront him and see why the heck he is doing this. Obviously something is lacking in our marriage if he would rather check out my friend's pics on facebook than talk to his wife (or do anything!) who is in the next room.
  • Ya it would definitely bother me though.  Whether something is or isn't lacking, just knowing it is someone you know, eew.  That grosses me out a lil.. Lol.  Not funny, but I would not like it.  I hope you two are able to work thru this and he understands your side. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Thank you! I'm glad to know I'm not going crazy and that my feelings are justified. It is very gross, he's like a creepy internet stalker and with my friend of all people.
  • catsareniice1catsareniice1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    How do they interact with each other in person? Why does your friend love herself so much? She must love attention to be posting pictures like that and is lacking self respect for herself. Gross and sad!

    How old is she? How old is your husband?
  • They hardly ever interact in person. They've met maybe two or three times. And yes, I was getting kind of annoyed with the pics because she is posting them daily, so I definitely think it's an attention getting thing. Both are in their early 30's.

    I also noticed that he has been searching the photographer pages that take her pics and a fitness page she belongs to- so he is really going out of his way to basically internet creep on her. I'm really heartbroken about this. This makes me feel very inadequate and self-conscious now. Not to mention this has probably forever changed my relationship with my friend. I am so mad at him.
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2014

    They hardly ever interact in person. They've met maybe two or three times. And yes, I was getting kind of annoyed with the pics because she is posting them daily, so I definitely think it's an attention getting thing. Both are in their early 30's.

    I also noticed that he has been searching the photographer pages that take her pics and a fitness page she belongs to- so he is really going out of his way to basically internet creep on her. I'm really heartbroken about this. This makes me feel very inadequate and self-conscious now. Not to mention this has probably forever changed my relationship with my friend. I am so mad at him.

    This is why I think you could benefit from talking to someone (counselor, clergyman, etc) about your feelings. This is a perfectly normal reaction, but you need to make sure it's not affecting you in the long run. His behavior is not a fault in you, but if you don't deal with these emotions cleanly, they can fester and cause problems later.

    I would definitely talk to your H and tell him that this is bothering you. But do it calmly and try not to be accusatory or blaming because that will probably just make him feel threatened and defensive.

    image
    HolyGlow
  • Thank you for the advice GilliC, it is definitely heard. I have called a therapist to see if I can get an appt., waiting for a call back. This probably seems like a really dumb situation. If it was some random porn person I really wouldn't care. It just sucks that this is my friend.
  • edited July 2014
    Ok, so my husband hasn't cheated and I don't think he ever would, but he's done something that is very disturbing to me and I don't know what to do. One of my best friends is a fitness competitor (bikini) and she is constantly blowing up facebook with half naked pics of herself. We've been friends for years and are very close and made plans to go out to lunch this weekend. I noticed my husband has been talking about her quite a bit (are you guys still meeting for lunch this weekend? oh is she stopping by the house? kind of stuff). There's actually been a couple of times where he brought her up and I changed the subject because it made me uncomfortable, like why the sudden interest in my friend? So I decided to check his facebook history cause I had this weird gut feeling. Come to find out he's been searching three girls pretty much daily for months- one of them being my friend. So obviously he is looking at her facebook and checking out the pics of her a**, etc. that she posts on there all the time. I feel like throwing up. Now I know why he's been talking about her so much. This feels worse than him looking at porn because she is my friend. This isn't some random chick that he doesn't know and has no way of ever seeing, this is my friend! She went to our wedding. This is painful because while it is not cheating, to know that he's sitting there oogling one of my closest friends makes me physically ill. I don't even want to know what he's doing while looking at her pics. I should note she NEVER posts statuses or discussions, it's nothing but pics of her doing sexy poses in a bikini. So he can't be looking at it for "reading material." I don't know if I should confront him and be like WTF or ignore it or what. The other two girls he searches aren't friends with him on facebook and I have no idea who they are, but I think he may have dated them in the past. The frequency that he searches them and the length of time is super disturbing to me (every day and I looked at the history for three months before I couldn't take anymore and logged out). He has also searched ex girlfriends although not as frequently. My friend seems to be his "favorite." What would you guys do?
    To say something like "How fantastic she's in such great shape" and maybe look at her photos to see how she did in this competition or that is one thing --- if he is spending too much time indulging himself with her photos it's not so good.

    I don't know if you can tell him to stop.

    If it turns out that he is inappropriately contacting her, another story.

    As it stands right now, none of this looks great -- what is he, fixated on her?

    Keep alert and monitor this behavior. And if you see anything fishy, you know what to do. GL.
  • I have a weird question. Does your husband have OCD? Maybe checking her page has simply become a habit.
  • So we talked about it last night. He gave a couple of lame excuses and I told him basically that I wasn't born yesterday and there would be only one reason for a man to be looking at a woman's facebook that much. He admitted that he thought she was pretty but then said he wasn't attracted to her. He apologized up and down, said he wanted in the marriage, that he wasn't looking to cheat, and that he fell into a routine of checking the three girls' facebooks (so you hit the nail on the head catsareniice1).

    He said he didn't think about how hurtful it could be to me and he kept saying he didn't cheat. I explained to him that there are other behaviors that are hurtful and deceitful and that this was highly inappropriate and he agreed. He definitely has OCD behaviors. He's very big on routine and it is difficult to get him to break those routines. I do think he has poor boundaries as we have had an issue with facebook in the past. We have both agreed to be done with facebook and deactivated our accounts in front of each other. I checked his phone records, email account, and he let me check his tablet and there was nothing suspect.

    We haven't been communicating very well and I've been blocking him out. I think I've been having issues with depression - I've never been diagnosed but something is off. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday so I'm hoping she can help me get to the bottom of what's going on inside my head. I'm hoping that this happening was actually for the better as it helps bring to the light some of the issues we have been having so we can work on them and move forward. Thank you all for the advice, it was very helpful in keeping my emotions in check when talking to him about this.
    RosebudzJJHolyGlow
  • I am ecstatic to read this!! Hope everything works out for you both!!! Good move to speak to a psychologist.
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