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Nephew/Sister problems (Longish story)

Hello first of all, hope you're all well :)


Ok - I'll try to make this as short as possible...

My sister is 32 (I'm 22 and live at home with parents, I work full time, and I'm in a long term relationship of 6 years). My sister has been in an abusive relationship with the same man for about 15 years (abuse both ways) and at a time she would only come here when he kicked her out or hit her etc. She has 3 sons, one is 18, one is 16, and the other one is about 9 (but he was giving up for adoption last year due to my sister going into sheltered accommodation).

This is where the problems began, we took in the 16 year old for over a year, and she never paid a penny towards his upkeep, neither did the dad, we gave him clothes etc, paid for school trips, bought him a mobile phone and christmas presents etc, eventually things started going missing around the house (namely my PS3 games, DVD's, cigarettes etc) he denied taking them but was caught in the act, so we sent him back to his parents (by this time my sister and her boyfriend are back together). The oldest nephew is on drugs and has supposedly been diagnosed with a mental problem due to the drug use, he attacked my mam and swore and spit at her etc, and has been harassing my parents on and off for over a year. He has damaged the family car, and he was caught telling one of his friends to bang on our windows at night (neighbors caught him)  and various other things. Basically we have cut them all out of our lives now, sister has never worked nor does her boyfriend and they live off benefits and have no intent to work,ever.

The other side of this is, I feel in a way this is holding me back as I'm afraid if I leave or move out, something could happen to my parents due to my sister/nephews, my dad isn't in great health and they should be able to enjoy their lives without feeling as though something is going to happen every day. Talking to them (sister etc) as you can imagine is a waste of time.

This is just a load off my mind being able to talk about it to other people, has anyone else gone through similar events, or any advice etc?

Thanks guys.

Re: Nephew/Sister problems (Longish story)

  • edited May 2014
    Steven321 said:
    Hello first of all, hope you're all well :)


    Ok - I'll try to make this as short as possible...

    My sister is 32 (I'm 22 and live at home with parents, I work full time, and I'm in a long term relationship of 6 years). My sister has been in an abusive relationship with the same man for about 15 years (abuse both ways) and at a time she would only come here when he kicked her out or hit her etc.

    She was SEVENTEEN when this was going on at first and this whole thing is already sick. Him AND her are doing this? Wow.

    If somebody in that house knew what was going on at 17, they could have ensured that she never saw this guy ever again.

    She has 3 sons, one is 18, one is 16, and the other one is about 9 (but he was giving up for adoption last year due to my sister going into sheltered accommodation).

    Isn't this just great: abuse plus 3 kids out of wedlock that nobody at all planned on and now they are exposed to this mess and dysfuntional homes.

    Both the younger kids need to be out of there and in stable homes. FOR GOOD.

    And by that I don't mean your parents bring them up: responsible loving people who can give kids a good and stable home.

    Your parents are a mes by virtue of the fact there is so much discord in that house and that your sister wasn't kept a closer eye on. Sorry.

    Anybody else would have gotten her intervention the second she got pregnant at 14. And made sure the pregnancy was handled in the right way.

    And she was back for a repeat performance of another unwanted teen pregnancy 2 years later! Who was feeding and caring for these 2 kids???

    There's damage and rife instability and unhealthiness  at home --- you fell into the same pattern as your sister: She struck up a winner at 17 with some guy and by coincidence...you have been in a "steady" relationship since 16.

    Dude: DON'T. Date other guys starting NOW.

    16 is not the age to tie yourself down to one guy for good. You need to get out there and date.

    This is where the problems began, we took in the 16 year old for over a year, and she never paid a penny towards his upkeep, neither did the dad, we gave him clothes etc, paid for school trips, bought him a mobile phone and christmas presents etc,

    Whoa whoa WHOA...bought him WHAT????? Buy him SHIT, considering he is TROUBLE! No little frills no typical teenage gear!!!

    eventually things started going missing around the house (namely my PS3 games, DVD's, cigarettes etc) he denied taking them but was caught in the act, so we sent him back to his parents (by this time my sister and her boyfriend are back together).

    He needed to be kicked out of that house and who cares where he went!

    They call it TOUGHLOVE...and your sister and her boyfriend needed to be cut off for good. TOUGHLOVE for them, too.

    The oldest nephew is on drugs and has supposedly been diagnosed with a mental problem due to the drug use, he attacked my mam and swore and spit at her etc, and has been harassing my parents on and off for over a year.

    When he started this mess: the cops are called and he goes into the clink, or at best, a summons issued to him on behalf of your parents.

    You don't keep this punk in the house and let him run rampant over everybody there: you eject him.

    He has damaged the family car, and he was caught telling one of his friends to bang on our windows at night (neighbors caught him)  and various other things. Basically we have cut them all out of our lives now, sister has never worked nor does her boyfriend and they live off benefits and have no intent to work,ever.

    All of this is bad news.

    And your parents enabled this bunch by taking them in. That pattern isn't going to stop anytime soon, I guarantee you.

    And how nice of them to let this industrious and smart and decent young man have a CAR, too!

    Are they nuts???

    Seriously and really: are they loco?

    The other side of this is, I feel in a way this is holding me back as I'm afraid if I leave or move out, something could happen to my parents due to my sister/nephews, my dad isn't in great health and they should be able to enjoy their lives without feeling as though something is going to happen every day. Talking to them (sister etc) as you can imagine is a waste of time.

    I think you ought to move out and discontinue talking to ALL of them. That includes your parents.

    This isn't a stable or healthy environment for you, either: this is nonsense with their enablement and there is nothing but discord there and fighting.  I would get out and not look back...

    And by that, I don't mean "move in with your boyfriend."

    Get a place BY YOURSELF and get to grow up a bit. Get a single girl apartment...

    And DATE AROUND.

    Havng a boyfriend at 16 and staying with him for good??? Not advisable. And I still say you more or less "ran" to him when all this mess began. You see him as some sort of area of solace. Not healthy.

    This is just a load off my mind being able to talk about it to other people, has anyone else gone through similar events, or any advice etc?

    Thanks guys.
    What a mess this is. They let that punk have the car knowing full well he is a druggie and trouble: ENABLEMENT.

    And I guess they like DUIs, unsafe driving charges, moving violations and whatever else that goes with it. I will bet you they gladly paid the insurance and registration and gas money, too, thrown in for all of his hard decent efforts at home!

    Get away from them and TODAY.

    And a therapist FOR YOU ---- you have a mess on your hands, too.  I will bet also your sis is under the influence, also --- that's my sneaking suspicion.

    And 32 minus 18 is FOURTEEN.

    Where the eff were your parents when it was time to talk to her about safe and responsible sex and sex ONLY with the right person and using protection????

    She went out and hatched out one kid minus marriage (and minus a high school "career," too!) and then did the same with 2 more kids. Isn't this great.

    I am hoping she has at least a chastity belt, at this point in her stellar career.

    You come from a nutty little household there, kiddo. My sympathies.

    Cut all of them off today and without fail. This is a dreadfully unhealthy and unstable atmosphere and don't get embroiled in any of this mess.

    Move out and get an apartment by yourself or with roommates, NOT move in with your boyfriend.

    You need to date around --- I guarantee you you will marry this guy for all the wrong reasons. I don't want to hear "oh but I love him" or "no we are not like that". Nope --- date around, get a single girl apartment and cut this toxic and horrid bunch off for good.

    Never contact them again. Do not even leave a forwarding address; let you rmother and father figure this shit out for themselves. You cannot fix what is wrong; this is a mess hopelessly beyond repair.
    MaggieW518
  • That sounds like a very rough situation. Would your parents consider moving?
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