Trouble in Paradise
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Dont know what to do

Ok, I'm going to try to sum this up as much as I can. My husband I have been married for a year and a half now. Almost a year into our marriage, I found out that he had cheated on me with another woman. He slept with her twice. He said that was the only time he ever did anything and he would never do it again. I feel like our whole marriage is now based on a lie because he never told me about it before we got married. I feel that is only fair that I should have been told so I could decide if I wanted to work things out and be with him. Now we're married and I feel like we should work things out. It's been about 6 months since I found out about it and things are progressively going down hill. He sleeps on the couch now because he says my snoring is bothering him. We do not have sex at all because I have gained a lot of weight due to PCOS and a thyroid issue. It's partly me that doesn't feel comfortable getting intimate right now but he seems ok with it. And it's not like there aren't other things we could do but he just isnt interested.  He is extremely lazy and lies around on the couch all weekend and never helps with any of the housework. He says that he cooks so I should clean. We have talked in the past about having children. We have two cats right now and I know that if you are pregnant you cannot breathe in the fumes from the litter box. He says that I will have to wear a protective mask because he cannot clean the litter box without wanting to puke. Same goes for changing diapers. I would be in charge. Before we got married, he had promised me that he would pursue his GED so he could get a better paying job. I have a college degree and making very good money with a reputable company. He know refuses to pursue his GED because he says he won't be able to pass anyway. I know marriage is not all about money, but there is no way that if something happened to me that he could support me and our future children. My parents both think I need to end this marriage. I do love and care about him though but I dont see that he is willing to change. Plus if he isn't getting sex from me, people have told me he is bound to go elsewhere eventually. I was also told by one of our mutual friends that he has always bummed around. He's never had his own place to live. He just got by living with different friends before me. I know I could go on and on but I dont want to make this too long. Is it worth trying to salvage this marriage? Whenever I ask myself that question I just dont know. I hate the thought of him ending up homeless or something. But then again he seems to have always found his way..

Re: Dont know what to do

  • I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but do yourself a favor and file for divorce tomorrow.  He doesn't love you and you should move on ASAP. His actions have shown that.  Now is the time before you have children.  Good luck and believe you are strong enough to move past this part of your life.  Better things are sure to come!
    [img]http://farm7.staticflickr.com/6092/6289934837_e0c16c88b1_m.jpg[/img]
    cinderin
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    ctrenholm said:
    Ok, I'm going to try to sum this up as much as I can. My husband I have been married for a year and a half now. Almost a year into our marriage, I found out that he had cheated on me with another woman. He slept with her twice. He said that was the only time he ever did anything and he would never do it again. I feel like our whole marriage is now based on a lie because he never told me about it before we got married. I feel that is only fair that I should have been told so I could decide if I wanted to work things out and be with him. Now we're married and I feel like we should work things out. It's been about 6 months since I found out about it and things are progressively going down hill. He sleeps on the couch now because he says my snoring is bothering him. We do not have sex at all because I have gained a lot of weight due to PCOS and a thyroid issue. It's partly me that doesn't feel comfortable getting intimate right now but he seems ok with it. And it's not like there aren't other things we could do but he just isnt interested.  He is extremely lazy and lies around on the couch all weekend and never helps with any of the housework. He says that he cooks so I should clean. We have talked in the past about having children. We have two cats right now and I know that if you are pregnant you cannot breathe in the fumes from the litter box. He says that I will have to wear a protective mask because he cannot clean the litter box without wanting to puke. Same goes for changing diapers. I would be in charge. Before we got married, he had promised me that he would pursue his GED so he could get a better paying job. I have a college degree and making very good money with a reputable company. He know refuses to pursue his GED because he says he won't be able to pass anyway. I know marriage is not all about money, but there is no way that if something happened to me that he could support me and our future children. My parents both think I need to end this marriage. I do love and care about him though but I dont see that he is willing to change. Plus if he isn't getting sex from me, people have told me he is bound to go elsewhere eventually. I was also told by one of our mutual friends that he has always bummed around. He's never had his own place to live. He just got by living with different friends before me. I know I could go on and on but I dont want to make this too long. Is it worth trying to salvage this marriage? Whenever I ask myself that question I just dont know. I hate the thought of him ending up homeless or something. But then again he seems to have always found his way..
    I mean this as a genuine question, but why did you marry him? He's clearly been a a bit of a bum his whole life, so a lot of this shouldn't be a huge shock. There must have been reasons you decided to get hitched, and we're just seeing all the negatives.

    However, it does sound like things are in bad shape. Do you want children? Because honestly this does not sound like an adult capable of being a good parent. If children are important to you, I would cut out now and start moving on.

    He won't end up homeless. He bummed couch space before you met him, and he'll be able to do it again. Get a good lawyer.


    image
    Tofumonkey
  • It seems that you chose poorly.

    Sorry, but I don't see a future here, at least not a happy and healthy one.

    Divorce and don't be afraid to ask yourself some hard questions about why you chose this man to build a future with.
  • edited May 2014
    ctrenholm said:
    Ok, I'm going to try to sum this up as much as I can. My husband I have been married for a year and a half now. Almost a year into our marriage, I found out that he had cheated on me with another woman.

    This happened 4 months into dating him.

    A bit too early to be mutually exclusive but if you were an item with him and he was being physical with other women and you found out what he was up to, you should have moved on and gotten another boyfriend.

    He slept with her twice. He said that was the only time he ever did anything and he would never do it again.

    I feel like our whole marriage is now based on a lie because he never told me about it before we got married.

    As I said, if he was with this other woman when you and he were a couple and it was known you 2 were mutually exclusive, forget it: he isn't into you.

    There isn't anything you can do about his non forthcomingness. And if he and you were NOT an item, he was free to do as he wished, as were you.

    If it turns out that you can't continue a marriage to a guy who cheated on you early on in your dating relationship, then it's best you go, call it a day and file for divorce.

    And the next time around: pick a guy you can TRUST. Pick a guy who is worth his salt and is dependable and has something to bring to your table.

    I feel that is only fair that I should have been told so I could decide if I wanted to work things out and be with him. Now we're married and I feel like we should work things out.

    It's been about 6 months since I found out about it and things are progressively going down hill. He sleeps on the couch now because he says my snoring is bothering him. We do not have sex at all because I have gained a lot of weight due to PCOS and a thyroid issue.

    Nuh uh.

    That bedroom door is closed to you because he's getting his elsewhere.

    And it's probably with this other woman -- and if not her, somebody else.

    When intimacy in a marriage vanishes, so does the marriage, too.

    It could also be possible that this "you slept with another woman" issue has put a rift between the both of you and now he's decided to shut the bedroom door on you.

    Neither one of these scenarios is promising, whichever one applies.

    It's partly me that doesn't feel comfortable getting intimate right now but he seems ok with it. And it's not like there aren't other things we could do but he just isnt interested.  He is extremely lazy and lies around on the couch all weekend and never helps with any of the housework.

    This is not only childish, this is unfair to you. You are not his indentured servant or his mother.

    He says that he cooks so I should clean. We have talked in the past about having children.

    Whoa...you are considering kids with this guy, considering

    You cannot trust him
    He's got a skeleton or 2 in his closet regarding what he did with other women while he was also dating you
    The sex in your marriage is zero
    He is having a problem pulling his weight around the house
    He cannot face reality about what being a father is really like -- and it ain't just diaper changing!!!!

    Nope. Conceive NOTHING with this guy, not even an idea.

    We have two cats right now and I know that if you are pregnant you cannot breathe in the fumes from the litter box. He says that I will have to wear a protective mask because he cannot clean the litter box without wanting to puke. Same goes for changing diapers. I would be in charge.

    Oh, whoopdeedoo, he decided YOU are to be in charge!!!!...I guess you can retire to the poop deck, thanks to the Rear Admiral issuing his orders!!

    And I will bet you that you are also fully "in charge" of tending to the cats. He ain't lifted a finger, am I right?

    If he cannot share equal responsibility when it comes to a pet, forget it when it comes to a baby: this will be your ball game and you'll be more or less a single parent.

    Uh, you need to tell this shithead to get LOST!

    What the heck does he thing parenting is ABOUT????

    Before we got married, he had promised me that he would pursue his GED so he could get a better paying job.

    He sounds like all he's good for is a lick and a promise. If he didn't have a GED by then, likely he never would have one.

    I have a college degree and making very good money with a reputable company. He know refuses to pursue his GED because he says he won't be able to pass anyway.

    I know marriage is not all about money, but there is no way that if something happened to me that he could support me and our future children.

    This is where you are in a danger zone.

    Time to tell him goodbye...and see if you can get this marriage annulled at this stage of the game.See if you can pursue the annullment.

     My parents both think I need to end this marriage. I do love and care about him though but I dont see that he is willing to change.

    I cannot figure out what there is here to love.

    Plus if he isn't getting sex from me, people have told me he is bound to go elsewhere eventually.

    Nope; he isn't putting out with you because somebody else is putting out with him.

    I was also told by one of our mutual friends that he has always bummed around. He's never had his own place to live. He just got by living with different friends before me. I know I could go on and on but I dont want to make this too long. Is it worth trying to salvage this marriage? Whenever I ask myself that question I just dont know. I hate the thought of him ending up homeless or something. But then again he seems to have always found his way..
    Homeless?

    Doubtful.

    You sound like you were int eh wrong place at the wrong time.

    THere's nothing here for you. He's childish and irresponsible and he cannot comprehend what being a husband and partner is about. The affair pales in comparison to these  issues -- and wow, I am just flabbergasted at the "oh yucky diapers STINK" aspect of it all: if he can't fathom diaper changing, what's he going to do when your kiddo is sick, is having trouble in school, comes home with a bullying problem, has another note sent home from one of his teachers --- he is daydreaming and won't do the schoolwork, cuts classes and gets in trouble in school, gives your H sass, is a problem in school disciplinewise, keeps on crying that he is afraid of the dark, the kid won't eat at all, keeps using his favorite word: NO!, puts up a fuss because it's time for a visit to the pediatrician, comes home upset because he didn't make the football team,  takes a magic marker and colors on all the walls, accidentally or purposely breaks the TV, opens all the cabinets for fun and dumps the pots and pans elsewhere, has a lying problem, uses your H's cologne as a chemistry set, won't go to sleep at all, is crying at all times of the night, he's gotten another bunch of D's on his report card, you don't like his friends once he gets to middle school, won't eat what you give him because it's a kid thing and he's in a phase, etc??? What if your child is termially ill?

    What is this prince planning on doing: turning the floor over to you completely and totally, while he sits and refuses to equal parent???

    Bullshit.

    I guarantee you if he refuses to change a diaper, he isn't going to be a father in any other area of the kiddo's life. For love of mike: get rid of him --- he's a baby himself! Father of a kid??? Nope. Forget it.

    What you have there is NOT a man.

    I don't know what he is -- but a man he is not.

    Without hesitation, tomorrow do the following:

    Get an appointment with your endo; get your levels checked. Stress can do horrible things to them if you've got a thyroid issue (have been there too)
    See an attorney and discuss with him all vital issues
    Safeguard your assets and money and bank accourts
    Get your financial ducks in a row

    And when all of this is ready to go, FILE.

    Change the locks and tell this bum it's over.  There is nothing for you to love and nothing for you here.
    pinkittyGilliCspikeinc
  • There's a lot going on here, but all I can say is that kids are HARD. Even when both parents want them, love them and participate equally. It's hard. If you're going to have a kid with someone who won't change diapers, get up at night, etc, you might as we'll be a single parent. Don't sign yourself and your future children up for that kind of life. Leave him and wait for someone honest, caring and hardworking.
    Disneygeek77
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    Leftie22 said:
    There's a lot going on here, but all I can say is that kids are HARD. Even when both parents want them, love them and participate equally. It's hard. If you're going to have a kid with someone who won't change diapers, get up at night, etc, you might as we'll be a single parent. Don't sign yourself and your future children up for that kind of life. Leave him and wait for someone honest, caring and hardworking.
    Exactly, and this is saying you have all healthy children.  Face it, he is showing his true character right now and he is showing you he isn't father and husband material.

    You truly have no idea what life has in store for you.  Do you think this man will be there if you get MS or cancer ?  What if you have a child with special needs ?  What if you are like my friend who has a son with severe developmental delays.  He is 13 years old and still can't talk or use the toilet.  Think your husband would stick around for that ?  What if you are like my cousin who has had cancer for the last 4 years ?  Would he stick around for that either ?
  • Agree with all above.  You can't make him change.  Grieve it and move on.  There is so much better in store!
    photo Isbell-232_zpsdaf64dd5.jpg
  • You married a child. 
    He isnt going to change because he doesnt have to.
    Your parents are right.
    Dont you think you deserve to be married to a man? a grown man?

    The only person that can fix this is you. You get what you accept from people.this isnt about him. its about the standards you have for yourself.


    Disneygeek77
  • If he loved you, he wouldn't cheat on you. If he deserved you, he would do something with himself to help support you because he cares. If he doesn't do any of those things you need to leave him. Someone better is out there for you.
    vpine
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