Trouble in Paradise
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divorce advice

After nearly three (very long, unpleasant) years, I've finally admitted to myself that I want a divorce.  However, I feel terrible about it, since DH is the one who will lose most with this decision.  He's unemployed, occasionally making a bit of money on eBay to feed his video game habit.  I'm the one that has the full time job (plus some extra part-time to make up for his lack of work), who can afford to keep up the mortgage and car payments etc.  Effectively, this divorce would leave him homeless, as he is in so much debt he would not be able to afford even a small apartment, let alone a car.  He's cut ties with his family so that option is out as well.  I feel bad about this, even though it's the right decision for me, I can't knowingly throw him out in the street.  I don't love him anymore, but I don't wish that on him.  I don't know what to do.  It makes me feel bad enough that I'm second-guessing my decision, which I know is dumb.  Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Re: divorce advice

  • edited May 2014
    ejfleitz said:
    After nearly three (very long, unpleasant) years, I've finally admitted to myself that I want a divorce.  However, I feel terrible about it, since DH is the one who will lose most with this decision.  He's unemployed, occasionally making a bit of money on eBay to feed his video game habit.  I'm the one that has the full time job (plus some extra part-time to make up for his lack of work), who can afford to keep up the mortgage and car payments etc.  Effectively, this divorce would leave him homeless, as he is in so much debt he would not be able to afford even a small apartment, let alone a car.  He's cut ties with his family so that option is out as well.  I feel bad about this, even though it's the right decision for me, I can't knowingly throw him out in the street.  I don't love him anymore, but I don't wish that on him.  I don't know what to do.  It makes me feel bad enough that I'm second-guessing my decision, which I know is dumb.  Has anyone been in a similar situation?
    You cannot feel sorry for him.

    HE is the one who got himself into this mess, not you. Where he goes after that is his problem and for him to take care of.

    You have a codependency (and a leech) and not a husband. it's to your benefit to get rid of him.

    As for the debt:

    Protect your assets and see an attorney (when you file) that specializes in debt and bankruptcy.

    You do not want him ruining your credit and yo don't want his shitty mistakes doing you in financially.

    He should have been thrown out the second he started to ring up debt. And why isn't he working at all? What's going on with that?

    Get yourself to a counselor so that the guilt that you have that is attached to your stbx's debt doesn't affect you. This is his problem, not yours -- it is like somebody who's an alcoholic.

    Sounds to me like your stbxH is an addict: it is possible to become addicted to games. -- and not for nothin, but what did happen to his job?

    Homeless?

    Bull.

    he can go to a shelter. Why should you be stuck with a shithead who already has ruined your marriage, thanks to his debt?

    Or he can go and apply for Section 8 housing. That's not your problem: where he lives is HIS problem.
    R.Wilsonnyshaylagirl
  • edited May 2014
    Remember this post from 3 years ago?

    our marriage has been terrible.  We've been married only 3 months, so it's ridiculous we should be having such serious problems already.  I can honestly say that I have never been so consistently miserable than I have been for the last three months, and he's admitted the same.  We fight constantly.  He's threatened annulment twice already.  Heck, I WISH our only newlywed problem was the lack of sex. LOL.

    There had to be a ton of problems before you got married. You either overlooked them, thought the problems were minor or you thought he'd shape up and stop it once you were married.

    As you can see, it doesn't work that way.

    Perhaps you and he would have been better off going your separate ways then -- you could have gotten a civil annullment and had the marriage ended.

    Before we got married, we were in the middle of a very stressful job search and a stressful wedding-planning (disrupted often by my family who doesn't approve of him...more stress there). 

    Wonder why they don't like him?

    But our wedding day ended up wonderful.  Perfect.  That was the last day I was honestly, completely happy, though.

    We both have jobs now, though the search almost ended our relationship--and almost ended him. 

    So what happened to the job he had? you said he spends his days playing video games.

    He attempted suicide about one month into our marriage.  He's seen a counselor, and has declared he's fine and doesn't need to continue treatment (yeah, right). 

    No he is not fine! (and I will bet he manipulated you plenty when he attempted)

    Why wasn't he in hospital??? What happened with that?

    He needed to be there for a good chunk of time to get the treatment he really need -- and great, now on top of this you have somebody with an unresolved mental issue.

    He focuses on his video games, playing online multiplayer games and screaming obscenities at the TV when he doesn't win.  He says that's normal.  Right.

    NO it isn't normal. This is an anger control problem and an immaturity issue.

    Just a few weeks ago my grandfather (who raised me from the age of nine after my mother passed away) died, leaving my grandmother.  I now have the equivalent of a part-time job taking care of her, spending time with her (no other family nearby), and organizing her finances.  The situation is stressful and leaves me drained every day I see her.  My husband won't help because he feels she's been rude to him in the past, so it's all on me.

    She's probably rude to him because she's got his number. Not a surprise.

    I've also gone through a cross-country move, a very stressful apartment search, and getting a new job.  I regret my choices for all of these things.  I hate my job (the coworkers are much nicer than the last place, though the job itself isn't what I want to do).  It's Sunday night, which means I'm already dreading Monday morning.  I dislike this apartment, but it was all we could find that was halfway decent.

    I don't have any friends other than my husband, and never have.  I'm a very shy person who is difficult to get to know.  I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this.  One person I would have talked to, my grandfather, isn't here anymore.  Another person I would have talked to, my stepmom, also passed away last Christmas.  \

    I have talked to my husband in the past, but somehow we just end up starting another argument.  In fact, two weeks ago, he was so unhappy about our situation that he contacted the priest who married us to get an annulment.  I was able to talk him out of it.

    Yes, WHY did you talk him out of it???

    And he more or less used emotional blackmail!

    A canon annulment isn't just performed by a priest! you have to apply for it and you don't get it done overnight. It could potentially take a very long time!

    That little shit stonewalled you and you buckled in.

    Tell me again why you need him!!!

    Gee, if he is threatening canon anullment that must mean his religion is important to him; did he ever even think of seeing a priest to discuss why he is having so many problems in his marriage?

    I'd have flat out and straight away said, "Sure; call if you want" and then watch him and his puerile threat fall right on their collective asses. Emotional blackmail; you should be furious that he did that.

    And I believe you would have to be divorced in a civil court FIRST before you can apply for a canon annulment! Either he thinks YOU'RE the stupidest person on earth or he is!

    He thinks nothing through, ever. Am I right???


      But I haven't talked to him about anything bothering me since, because clearly he can't handle it. 

    This is also a communication problem. IF you can't talk to your mate freely and openly without hesitation, what have you got with him at all?

    I'm a newlywed without any idea of what to do.   I'm planning to seek therapy for myself, at least.  Has anyone else been in the same situation?

    Ask yourself again WHY do you "need" him!

    Did you ever get the therapy you were seeking? Just for the fact you are having a tough time making some friends, do get it. Shyness is not just a cute little thing; it is an issue that needs to be resolved.

    There are lots of places to meet people who will qualify as friends --- and you don't have to be a social butterly to join: volunteer groups, your house of worship, coed lessons, special interest groups, political clubs, your college alumni group.  That's to name a few.

    The best way to make a friend: be with those who hold a common interest and to BE a friend of those people.:)

    Look into Toastmasters, too --- I believe they still exist. You'll learn public speaking and you'll work on your shyness problem.


    File and do not look back. There was never anything in this that was to your benefit.

    Don't let him threaten you and don't let him give you the emotional blackmail --- you file and you tell him he's to go. If you have trouble, call the police. Who cares where he goes after that. HIS PROBLEM.

    Why should you let this leech make your life miserable and drag you down? He's also living off you and that makes him no man. Let him figure out where he goes once you tell him this is over..

    You need therapy also to work through your grief --- you have had major losses with family -- and you are also the sole caretaker for an elderly family member.

    And if you are spiritual, see a clergyperson for the loss issue alone.

    When he started to ring up debt thanks to his video game problem you should have told him to go.  Unacceptable for him to do something like this.

    Wishing you luck. let us know what happens.

  • debbeaudebbeau member
    Ancient Membership First Comment
    Before you do anything else, get an attorney. I was sole bread winner (due to laziness), bought the house with my money etc. my ex got spousal support for two years, we had to sell the house and he got half, he got half my retirement. So don't worry about his situation before you find out for sure. My dad (a prominent attorney was my council). Our state is a. Community property state and there was not a lot that could be done. Good luck. Think about yourself and a happy life.
  • Your father was your counsel, debb
    debbeau said:
    Before you do anything else, get an attorney. I was sole bread winner (due to laziness), bought the house with my money etc. my ex got spousal support for two years, we had to sell the house and he got half, he got half my retirement. So don't worry about his situation before you find out for sure. My dad (a prominent attorney was my council). Our state is a. Community property state and there was not a lot that could be done. Good luck. Think about yourself and a happy life.
    How was that permissible or ethical??? You're related to the counsel and your H is is SIL.


  • debbeaudebbeau member
    Ancient Membership First Comment
    It was my father's practice. 175 lawyers. I do not see where that is a problem. I just wanted to let her know to be careful and get advice from a professional.
    TarponMonoxidecdn0292
  • It sounds like you respect yourself enough to leave the marriage because you deserve better.

    You should respect him enough to allow him to behave like an independent adult. 
    image
    Tofumonkey
  • Here are the 9 community property states: 
    I know Florida may also be one.  I do work in title research.
  • debbeaudebbeau member
    Ancient Membership First Comment
    I did not realize there are only 9 community property states. Many states are Equitable Distribution States. Where the marital property is usually split evenly. That was the way it was in the state I was divorced.
  • WendyGRWendyGR member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Definitely talk to a lawyer. I was able to keep everything except our house which was in foreclosure and he was responsible for all debt because there was dishonesty about where the money was going (not to bills like I thought). Not to worry, he found some chick at a bar to move in with and mooch from.
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