Trouble in Paradise
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Sketchy Behavior=Cheating?

This is a follow-up post to my one the other day about my DH. Here's a quick little background info: On my husband's one FB page he had two women one there from HS who would constantly flirt with, one he messed around with a few years ago before we met. He deactivated this page and started a new one which I have no issues with because we know each other's FB passwords. On the newer FB account there are several women who would send him flirty messages and I wasn't OK with that so he blocked them. They are still blocked. Yesterday I noticed the old account was reactivated and the password was changed so now he has 2 FB pages going, one with access to these women who bother me because they have no boundaries. I don't know what to do. Should I lay low and act like I don't know it's activated and see what he does or ask him? Remember, he loves becoming defensive and tries turning the tables on me to where it's my fault. Thank you!

Re: Sketchy Behavior=Cheating?

  • Why so you want to be with someone you obviously can't trust? You need to sit down with him and have a conversation calmly about how and why you are having difficulty trusting him. I would strongly recommend doing this in some kind of couples counseling so he can't just blow up at you with a third party there.
    Anniversary
  • Women don't simply send flirty messages out of the blue.  Somehow your husband is sending off signals of some sort that he wants this type of attention.  That is what is not okay.  This is not an issue with those woman- this is his fault 100%

    If he is getting defensive and turning things around of you, he is probably guilty and he's being disrespectful. 

    You need to go to therapy yourself and realize you deserve better than what he's offering.  He would need to do a lot of changing before I would consider staying with him.  He's secretive, disrespectful, and untrustworthy.
  • artbyallieartbyallie member
    500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    jlp41704 said:
    This is a follow-up post to my one the other day about my DH. Here's a quick little background info: On my husband's one FB page he had two women one there from HS who would constantly flirt with, one he messed around with a few years ago before we met. He deactivated this page and started a new one which I have no issues with because we know each other's FB passwords. On the newer FB account there are several women who would send him flirty messages and I wasn't OK with that so he blocked them. They are still blocked. Yesterday I noticed the old account was reactivated and the password was changed so now he has 2 FB pages going, one with access to these women who bother me because they have no boundaries. I don't know what to do. Should I lay low and act like I don't know it's activated and see what he does or ask him? Remember, he loves becoming defensive and tries turning the tables on me to where it's my fault. Thank you!



     ETA: fuck these broken-ass quote boxes.




    It really doesn't sound like they're the only ones with no boundaries here. I mean, honestly, I wouldn't even give a shit what they do, because for cheating to happen, the person who made the commitment has to break it. These women didn't promise you shit; he's the one that did. (ETA again) Even if he were to cheat, that would be on him and not just them; it's not like they tripped him and he fell, and whoops, his penis slipped in!

    That said, he is being shady. My problem here is that I don't know if he's doing it in order to continue on a harmless relationship because you're the controlling wife who won't let him have any friends, or if he's the cheating asshole wanting to live a secret life because he's getting up to things he knows he shouldn't be doing.
    doeydocloudymeatballs
  • jlteach78jlteach78 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    art I can tell you I'm not controlling.  This is HIS behavior 100%. I'm not the one who got a notification via email from someone on my supposed deactivated FB page and then moments later change my password so my wife couldn't get it.  

  • how old are the two of you?


    Joy2611
  • Women don't simply send flirty messages out of the blue.  Somehow your husband is sending off signals of some sort that he wants this type of attention.  That is what is not okay.  This is not an issue with those woman- this is his fault 100%

    If he is getting defensive and turning things around of you, he is probably guilty and he's being disrespectful. 

    You need to go to therapy yourself and realize you deserve better than what he's offering.  He would need to do a lot of changing before I would consider staying with him.  He's secretive, disrespectful, and untrustworthy.

    ALL of this.  Dude- these women flirt because he encourages and responds to it.  You know the deal here. You KNOW it.  He's being shady and he's defensive because he's being caught doing something wrong. 


     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • And I'm going to be really blunt here - I don't know how much effort I'd put into saving this marriage.  While I don't believe in the blanket statement of "once a cheater, always a cheater", at the same time - when someone is consistent in their behavior and do the same thing numerous time, I DO believe in that statement.

     

    I personally have no doubt that he's probably cheated.  And on the small chance he hasn't, he probably will eventually.  And at a minimum, he LIKES this attention. 

     

    This won't change because you tell him you both need to go to counseling.  He won't change unless HE wants to change, but as pervasive as this behavior seems to be - this is WHO he is. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • edited May 2014
    jlp41704 said:
    This is a follow-up post to my one the other day about my DH. Here's a quick little background info: On my husband's one FB page he had two women one there from HS who would constantly flirt with, one he messed around with a few years ago before we met. He deactivated this page and started a new one which I have no issues with because we know each other's FB passwords. On the newer FB account there are several women who would send him flirty messages and I wasn't OK with that so he blocked them. They are still blocked. Yesterday I noticed the old account was reactivated and the password was changed so now he has 2 FB pages going, one with access to these women who bother me because they have no boundaries. I don't know what to do. Should I lay low and act like I don't know it's activated and see what he does or ask him? Remember, he loves becoming defensive and tries turning the tables on me to where it's my fault. Thank you!
    Anything "internet" is funny.

    The written word as we know it seems to make a very magically bizarre transformation on FB....and what is written there seems to come out an entirely different way than it normally does otherwise.

    What is "flirty" on FB may or may not be flirty "in person." Or elsewhere.  What's written on FB is entirely different.

    Your problem is you cannot trust him. That's what your major problem is, not FB and who said what to him there.

    Your other problem is that you do not have a healthy relationship with your H. You're being a cop, not a spouse and equal.

    Decide what you want to do, now that you cannot trust your H. GL.
  • jlteach78 said:
    art I can tell you I'm not controlling.  This is HIS behavior 100%. I'm not the one who got a notification via email from someone on my supposed deactivated FB page and then moments later change my password so my wife couldn't get it.  

    Fine, if you're not controlling, then that means he's a cheating asshole and you should leave him.
  • jlteach78 said:
    art I can tell you I'm not controlling.  This is HIS behavior 100%. I'm not the one who got a notification via email from someone on my supposed deactivated FB page and then moments later change my password so my wife couldn't get it.  

    Fine, if you're not controlling, then that means he's a cheating asshole and you should leave him.
    I don't know. You DO sound controlling here.  Not that it means what he is doing isn't wrong, but if I had someone checking my accounts, passwords, emails and reading my notifications I'd probably set up a secret account too. Are you also reading all of his FB messages? Is there anything that he can do privately from you?
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • jlteach78 said:
    art I can tell you I'm not controlling.  This is HIS behavior 100%. I'm not the one who got a notification via email from someone on my supposed deactivated FB page and then moments later change my password so my wife couldn't get it.  

    Fine, if you're not controlling, then that means he's a cheating asshole and you should leave him.
    I don't know. You DO sound controlling here.  Not that it means what he is doing isn't wrong, but if I had someone checking my accounts, passwords, emails and reading my notifications I'd probably set up a secret account too. Are you also reading all of his FB messages? Is there anything that he can do privately from you?
    Really you would?  I wouldn't.  And with his past behavior, I think she has every right to do what she's doing.  The fact she's doing it, is unhealthy, but it's explainable.  If she has to do this, there are serious issues.
    cloudymeatballs
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    jlteach78 said:
    art I can tell you I'm not controlling.  This is HIS behavior 100%. I'm not the one who got a notification via email from someone on my supposed deactivated FB page and then moments later change my password so my wife couldn't get it.  

    Fine, if you're not controlling, then that means he's a cheating asshole and you should leave him.
    I don't know. You DO sound controlling here.  Not that it means what he is doing isn't wrong, but if I had someone checking my accounts, passwords, emails and reading my notifications I'd probably set up a secret account too. Are you also reading all of his FB messages? Is there anything that he can do privately from you?
    Really you would?  I wouldn't.  And with his past behavior, I think she has every right to do what she's doing.  The fact she's doing it, is unhealthy, but it's explainable.  If she has to do this, there are serious issues.
    I think the whole situation is a mess. I can't lay blame on one of the other, because I don't know the whole picture.

    On one hand, she's caught him lying, and he has very defensive, angry behaviors. It's not unreasonable to think he's hiding more from her, because once you catch a lie about one thing, it's easy to think someone's lying about more.

    Or maybe she is overly controlling, and while exploding at her when she asks questions is not a healthy, constructive behavior, if it's happened so much that he's at his wit's end, I can imagine that snapping at her could be quite likely and then interpreted as him "getting so mad (almost flew into a rage) and started calling [her] crazy." Maybe she was being a bit crazy.

    Regardless, he shouldn't be flirting with other ladies. They both need to be able to trust each other. And no one should be so quick to be that defensive or redirect blame to the other.

    This relationship is all kinds of broken, and no amount of Nest posts is going to fix it. Couples therapy, maybe, but honestly it sounds pretty far gone already. 
    image
  • TofumonkeyTofumonkey member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    jlteach78 said:
    art I can tell you I'm not controlling.  This is HIS behavior 100%. I'm not the one who got a notification via email from someone on my supposed deactivated FB page and then moments later change my password so my wife couldn't get it.  

    Fine, if you're not controlling, then that means he's a cheating asshole and you should leave him.
    I don't know. You DO sound controlling here.  Not that it means what he is doing isn't wrong, but if I had someone checking my accounts, passwords, emails and reading my notifications I'd probably set up a secret account too. Are you also reading all of his FB messages? Is there anything that he can do privately from you?
    Really you would?  I wouldn't.  And with his past behavior, I think she has every right to do what she's doing.  The fact she's doing it, is unhealthy, but it's explainable.  If she has to do this, there are serious issues.
    Oh, don't get me wrong. This relationship sound like a nightmare all around.

    The thing is (to me) wrapped up in your sentence ...with his past behaviour (being a gross, most likely cheating, rage-monkey, lying, untrustworthy douchebag) , I think she has every RIGHT to do what she is doing. No. To me, she does not have the RIGHT to completely disregard his basic expectation of privacy. She has the JUSTIFICATION to do so, but not the RIGHT.

    If she feels she HAS to do this then the relationship is kind of crap and it's time to call a spade a spade, no?

    Further to the whole privacy thing - my husband knows all of my passwords. Not because I hand them over to him in submission but because I'm forgetful and use the same password or variation of it for practically everything. I'm a hacker's wet dream. I know his because he told me, but I don't really care, nor do I have it written down anywhere. He only told me because I called one day freaking out that his computer randomly turned on and started blasting offensive rap music while my grandmother was visiting and I couldn't log in to turn it off without a password. (not funny, but well played husband, well played.) I don't want my husband going through my FB messages - I'm not flirting with high school flings of years gone by, I'm not trolling craigslist for late night gigolo encounters nor am I setting up dogging circles at the local supermarket parking lot. I'm mostly talking to my pregnant friend about unholy levels of constipation, mutually assessing the 'thug' level of a friend's aloof cat or being a backstabbing ho-bag on a FB group. Or three.

    None of it is any of his business unless I CHOOSE to share it with him. Him demanding access to my accounts and actually checking them to see what I was talking about, who I was talking to and 'approving' of things is so controlling that if a man were doing this to a woman we would likely all call him an abuser and tell her to GTFO out of there, as the controlling behaviour is likely to escalate. Now, chances are that OP is not going to start beating her husband but hey, she might. My point is that there is something seriously off about that, and that idea that healthy couples share EVERYTHING, because they don't.

    Hence the reason the most successful married couples still tend to poop with the door closed.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
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