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Issues with In-laws

kbtolentinokbtolentino member
Fourth Anniversary First Comment
edited October 2014 in Family Matters
      

Re: Issues with In-laws

  • kbtolentinokbtolentino member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    edited October 2014
        
  • I agree with @VOR, this is much more of a DH problem than an IL problem.
    Iluminekbtolentino
  • What does your husband say?  My in laws did this before we were married, but he made it clear that he didn't want to go on vacations without me and they've never asked again.  And we were' t even married yet! He should nip this in the bud quickly.
    kbtolentino
  • Your husband needs to say no, not without my wife. Period.
    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    kbtolentino
  • Forgot to ask...have you ever inquired as to why you're not invited?
    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Tofumonkey
  • kbtolentinokbtolentino member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    edited October 2014
  • edited May 2014
    So my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law keeps inviting my husband to go on vacation without me. It has happened two times and I don't know how I should deal with it.

    This is pretty academic:

    You sit down with your H and you and he discuss this issue!

    AND you decide that he will not be taking any vactions minus you.

    THen he tells THEM.

    it is as simple as that.


    The first instance was during Spring Break and they even told him to ask off from work and they will pay for his ticket. The second instance, they asked him to go out of country with them this coming Christmas and New Years.

    Excuse me but he spends major holidays with HIS WIFE.

    SHE is HIS FAMILY.


    Of course, they volunteered to pay for his ticket again. My husband didn't reply to their invitation about Christmas and New Years and he's ignoring it. Is it crazy that this makes me mad? 1. I feel like they are not including me. 2. My husband is not even gonna talk to them about it.
    No, you are not crazy to be angry.

    Do as I suggested:

    You and he discuss this topic and he tells them "Sorry but my wife and I vacation together. I will NOT be attending a vacation without her any time soon."

    And that should solve the problem.

    Your H is the bigger problem here:

    HE needs to be taking YOUR side.

    This is a cultural issue --- see a counselor who has experience handling cultural issues -- and the bullshit with speaking SPanish in front of you needs to GO.

    He'd better start manning up or I see a divorce in your future.

    Asking you if you should be using chopsticks to eat Subway?

    Ask them this: "Shouldn't you be eating rice and beans with what you're eating?"

    See how they like that one.


    kbtolentinoR.Wilsonnycatmiss9
  • My husband prefers to stay neutral between my ILs and I. I don't think he understands that my feeling are getting really hurt. My MIL, SIL and I never quite saw eye-to-eye. In my opinion, it was a cultural issue more than anything. For example, I heard my MIL tell my husband before we were married (in Spanish cause they thought I couldn't understand) "Are you sure you want to marry her? She's too independent and she's going to be hard to control." I was even asked one time "Shouldn't you be eating subway with chopsticks?" I understand that they don't see me as family but I wish that they would respect me though. Any ideas of how I should talk to my husband about this? I've talked to him about it before and it seems like he'd rather avoid confrontation. Thanks for all the replies.

    Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. My DH and I are from different cultural backgrounds, and have had similar problems. The thing is, your DH isn't neutral, because you're being insulted and hurt. By saying nothing, he's really making the statement that he's not going to stand up for you. He needs to know that his family's behavior is hurtful, and make it clear that his loyalty is to you. His family doesn't have to love you, but they have to treat you with respect and not pit your husband against you. (By asking him on a trip without you.) My DH struggled to establish good boundaries with his family, and it's been a work in progress, but at least I see him trying. Counselling really helped us. It helped DH to realize that he needed to make me and our kids his priority, and stand up to his family when they were being rude. (Including speaking a language that I don't understand right in front of me. Sounds like yours do the same.) Stand up for yourself and let your DH know that he is involved, whether he likes it or not, and he needs to find a way to deal with his family. It's not fair to leave it all up to you. Good luck, I wish you the best! It's a tough position to be in.
    R.Wilsonny
  • My husband prefers to stay neutral between my ILs and I. I don't think he understands that my feeling are getting really hurt.

    Whhhhaaaatttttt. Neutral?  There is no neutral because he isn't on a separate side.  He's on your side, so whatever you're going through, he's going through and any time they aren't nice to you, they aren't being nice to him too.

     My MIL, SIL and I never quite saw eye-to-eye. In my opinion, it was a cultural issue more than anything. For example, I heard my MIL tell my husband before we were married (in Spanish cause they thought I couldn't understand) "Are you sure you want to marry her? She's too independent and she's going to be hard to control." I was even asked one time "Shouldn't you be eating subway with chopsticks?" I understand that they don't see me as family but I wish that they would respect me though.

    Are you freaking serious?  My husband is from a different culture and we've had our issues (they think my abusive BIL is the best in law and I'm the crazy one because I'm so independent), but if they ever disrespected me directly like this, their heads would spin.  What the hell did he say when they said you would be hard to control?  My husband would have kicked their asses if his family had been so disrespectful to me.  

     Any ideas of how I should talk to my husband about this? I've talked to him about it before and it seems like he'd rather avoid confrontation. Thanks for all the replies.

    I can't believe you need to talk to him about it.  It blows my mind that he doesn't see how disrespectful they are.  You are far more patient than I am.  He is on your side- there is no other side.  If he can't understand this, then I recommend counseling.  My father literally used to say to my mom "They were never this bad until you came along", because he couldn't see his parents for who they really were.  Therapy helped him understand who they really were.

    I recommend reading Ethnicity and Family Therapy.  I didn't solve any of my problems, but it helped me realize what planet my in laws were on (the chapter on their ethnicity started with "this is the most 'other' of all cultures in comparison to American culture"… yikes)

  • Yeah, your issue isn't with your in-laws, it's with your DH.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    A - as said, he's not staying neutral. He's basically backing his family up. B- he doesn't seem to mind dealing w/ confrontation with you. He's scared of his mommy. Tha's the issue here.
  • Haven't you told him this hurts your feelings? And again, he married you. That means he's supposed to be on your fucking side. Though I will say this issue of certain cultures (more than one!!!) raising momma's boys who make shitty husbands has absolutely come up before around here.
  • I also wanted to add this...I'm not sure if you have children or not...but do you want your children to grow up in a family that's so ignorant towards their mother? Or maybe they'll be intolerant towards them, too? Think about it.
    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it. I talked to my husband and we're in the process of figuring things out.

    Thanks!
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