Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Fell in love with a man, married a man-child....

I don't even know where to begin. My husband just told me he isn't happy because I had bronchitis for two weeks and we didn't have sex for the entire two weeks--his words were "you didn't even try to have sex with me" (mind you, I was coughing up blood, in the ER twice) i didn't say anything, because I'm afraid I will hit below the belt as I tend to do. But seriously, I'm thinking "what do you do for me?" I make more than him, he constantly says he needs a second job, but won't get off his rear to find one. He is unhappy at his job because he doesn't make enough money, so I've been given the task of finding him a second job. He is always behind on his portion of the bills, except the rent because we rent the house from his best friend and he doesn't want to "look bad" with his friends. So he looks bad to the credit card company, the gas company and his cell phone carrier--I pay everything else. He got tired of waiting for the bus and refuses to buy a second car, so I'm now responsible for getting up 3 hours earlier than usual to take him to work and breaking my neck after work to pick him up. I came into this with 2 children, ages 7 and 10, for whom I share joint custody. But when it's my time they live with us. He has an 18 year old daughter who runs wildly in the streets, she dropped out of school and only contacts him for money. When I learned she didn't have a permanent residence, I offered up our spare bedroom, he refused, saying he can't afford to feed another person and doesn't trust her around our personal belongings, because she has stolen from most of her family members. Fine. A few weeks after that, he asked me for $100 to buy her a cell phone. I didn't have it because I was planning a 10th birthday party for my daughter, but I asked for her number so I could take her job hunting the next weekend, he refused that, saying she's irresponsible and I'm just covering up for not giving her the money she wanted, Because "I ALWAYS put my kids o ahead of his".On top of everything else, our sex life is so dull I call it "pump and dump" I have bought kama sutra books, toys, you name it, he says "we don't have time for all that, let's just do it and get it over with" (this CAN'T be life!) I have been so depressed lately over all this and to top it off, he wants a BABY! There's no way in hell I'm bringing another party into this situation without fixing it first. He doesn't want to go to counseling because "that's for crazy people". When I talk to my mother, who has been married for 40 years to my dad, she just says "that's what you get for marrying someone who isn't in your league" she thinks he is a BUM and beneath me. I was dating a lawyer before him and my mom was more into him than I was! My husband used to be my bestie, he made me so happy, but now, I'm over it, he acts like my son, rather than my man. Now he wants to plan a 1 year anniversary party that he doesn't have the money for and I don't have the energy to celebrate this mess, seriously, what are we celebrating?!?!?

Re: Fell in love with a man, married a man-child....

  • If he refuses to try and/or to go to counselling, I would leave him.
    image
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You haven't even been married a year? How long did you date? I have hard time believing this is "new" behavior. I'm wondering if you just didn't give yourself enough time to REALLY get to know him before marrying him.
  • LEWISLUVSMELEWISLUVSME member
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2014
    We dated for 3 years..He was totally different, he worked 2 jobs, had his own place, had a decent relationship with his daughter. He never depended on me for anything, never asked me for anything either. I leaned more on him than he on me, as I was in school for most of our relationship. It was like once the vows were exchanged, he sat on his rear and got comfortable with me doing mostly everything...
  • What bothers me the most is his lack of compassion and the daughter thing… that's not going away.  He's blaming you for not helping her, when he doesn't want to help her himself. Oh Boy.  

    All I have to say is your mom is right.  Mom is always right.  Lol.  But seriously, my mother was always right about my bum boyfriends… I just didn't marry them.  I married the one she liked ;)

    As far as the job thing.  Obviously he should not be taking advantage of you.  But I think you think about things too separately.  It's not his bill and your bills- they are both of your bills.  It's not your money and his money- it's both of your money.  Very rarely do both people make the same amount of money.  Usually someone makes more and someone makes less.  If you can afford a lifestyle that you can both agree upon with his job and your job, then I don't see an issue.  

    That being said, if he doesn't do anything as far as taking care of your children, housework, errands, general responsibility, then yes, he is taking advantage of you.

    You are absolutely right, do not TTC with him until you have things sorted out!
  • Well, he does sound like a selfish man-child. If he's not willing to go to counseling and really try, I say show him the door.
  • I don't even know where to begin. My husband just told me he isn't happy because I had bronchitis for two weeks and we didn't have sex for the entire two weeks--his words were "you didn't even try to have sex with me" (mind you, I was coughing up blood, in the ER twice) i didn't say anything, because I'm afraid I will hit below the belt as I tend to do.

    Is he kidding???

    THis already is pretty sad.:(

    But seriously, I'm thinking "what do you do for me?" I make more than him, he constantly says he needs a second job, but won't get off his rear to find one. He is unhappy at his job because he doesn't make enough money, so I've been given the task of finding him a second job.

    You should not be his job counselor or his mother. This is bad news, too.

    He is always behind on his portion of the bills, except the rent because we rent the house from his best friend and he doesn't want to "look bad" with his friends.

    This is shitty, too, because wow, who does business with a friend or a relative???

    How come you said yes to an agreement like this?

    So he looks bad to the credit card company, the gas company and his cell phone carrier--I pay everything else.

    The concept of money in this picture sucks --- you and he need an OUR MONEY fund --- his paycheck and yours goes into one savings account and from there, you both pay the bills  Set a certain amount aside per week to keep in savings; maybe award some "mad money" to each of you to buy what you each want to buy.

    He got tired of waiting for the bus and refuses to buy a second car, so I'm now responsible for getting up 3 hours earlier than usual to take him to work and breaking my neck after work to pick him up.

    You should not be his chauffer, either!!! Shit, let his tail take the bus is right!

    I came into this with 2 children, ages 7 and 10, for whom I share joint custody. But when it's my time they live with us. He has an 18 year old daughter who runs wildly in the streets, she dropped out of school and only contacts him for money.

    And your H happily complies.

    Bad bad news; he can't even toughlove his own daughter. He needs to tell her "sorry but no more money for you; I am not a bank."

    Your H is no example for anyone to follow and he is not an adult figure or parental figure of any kind.

    When I learned she didn't have a permanent residence, I offered up our spare bedroom, he refused, saying he can't afford to feed another person and doesn't trust her around our personal belongings, because she has stolen from most of her family members. Fine.

    He needed to stick to his guns....

    A few weeks after that, he asked me for $100 to buy her a cell phone.

    Uh huh...and he expected YOU to do it???? you should have flat out refused. And let him figure out what to do after that.

    I didn't have it because I was planning a 10th birthday party for my daughter, but I asked for her number so I could take her job hunting the next weekend, he refused that, saying she's irresponsible and I'm just covering up for not giving her the money she wanted, Because "I ALWAYS put my kids o ahead of his".

    He's a baby himself, just judging from this.

    Take NOBODY job hunting!!! you are not her job counselor OR her mother! She is eighteen years of age; let her figure this out for herself.

    On top of everything else, our sex life is so dull I call it "pump and dump" I have bought kama sutra books, toys, you name it, he says "we don't have time for all that, let's just do it and get it over with" (this CAN'T be life!)

    No, this is NOT life!! He doesn't care about your happiness or your needs; what good is he to you?

    I have been so depressed lately over all this and to top it off, he wants a BABY!

    Tell him you already have one:

    A 180 pound 5 ouncer (or whatever his weight is).... HIM!

    Tell him you will NOT be trying to conceive a child with him now or in the very distant future. And see what he thinks of that, particularly when you cite the reasons why:

    He doesn't care about your happiness
    He is lazy
    He cannot handle money
    He is a doormat for his own daughter
    He pinned the rose on you because you were ill and you "would not" have sex with him
    He is lazy and cannot stand up for himself and stand up to his daughter

    And that's to name a FEW reasons why there will not be a bambina or nino in the picture!!!

    There's no way in hell I'm bringing another party into this situation without fixing it first. He doesn't want to go to counseling because "that's for crazy people". When I talk to my mother, who has been married for 40 years to my dad, she just says "that's what you get for marrying someone who isn't in your league" she thinks he is a BUM and beneath me.

    Gee, I wonder why she thinks he is a bum!

    I was dating a lawyer before him and my mom was more into him than I was! My husband used to be my bestie, he made me so happy, but now, I'm over it, he acts like my son, rather than my man. Now he wants to plan a 1 year anniversary party that he doesn't have the money for and I don't have the energy to celebrate this mess, seriously, what are we celebrating?!?!?
    This is a great big hot mess.

    Give seirious thought to leaving him.

    Counseling for you: this is Marriage #2  gone bad --- find out why you seem to attract guys who cannot be equals and decent husbands.

    Sorry for your troubles.
  • Get rid of this mooch. He acts like a selfish baby.
    TarponMonoxide
  • edited March 2014
    If you are somebody who is convinced you can "fix" people, forget about "fixing" anyone. Get this problem eradicated with the help of a therapist. Don't accept damaged goods. Not in business, not in your daily life and certainly not in the way of a husband.

    For shits and giggles, ask him "What exactly are we celebrating?"  Get his input and viewpoint. Should be worth the laugh --- don't you think so?.
  • That just made me chuckle..I really want to ask him that...This situation is terrible and especially because he wasn't like that befoee...or maybe I didn't see it. My mom likes him for anything but a son in law..she was hoping it wouldn't get this far. The worst is when I bring up my concerns and he plays "tit for tat". He is a child and it's annoying. We really need counseling...smh...

  • That just made me chuckle..I really want to ask him that...This situation is terrible and especially because he wasn't like that befoee...or maybe I didn't see it. My mom likes him for anything but a son in law..she was hoping it wouldn't get this far. The worst is when I bring up my concerns and he plays "tit for tat". He is a child and it's annoying. We really need counseling...smh...

    I know of somebody who is the same way with the tit for tat baloney --- it is a sibling and I have my hands full with him. It's really pretty pathetic when somebody hasn't got any original ideas of his own, isn't it?

    What you need to do:

    Put yourself first.

    This is not a healthy environment for you or your kiddoes --- don't expose them to him for one second longer. 

    He won't go to counseling? Wow, that has nothing to do with one's mental state! Lots of emotionally healthy people go to counseling; being employed in certain jobs more or less require it -- any type of "helping profession" would be one of them. You want to unload what you "witness" before it starts to affect you and the only way to do this is to see a therapist.

    People who have friends or relatives who are critically ill  see therapists, too!

    Your H is stubborn and he's got rocks in his head; that he will not see a counselor is not a good sign.

    I advise you to get your fianances in order and then file. QUite frankly, what do you need HIM for???

  • Your mom is right, he is a bum.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • And if he indeed put on some sort of an act that was over once you said I Do, this marriage is nothing but a fraud.

    And fraud is grounds for a civil annulment.

    See an attorney; perhaps you can indeed have this marriage declared void as per an anullment.

    Nothing here for you anyway; get rid of him now before the issue worsens.


  • Sillygirl45Sillygirl45 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    That just made me chuckle..I really want to ask him that...This situation is terrible and especially because he wasn't like that befoee...or maybe I didn't see it. My mom likes him for anything but a son in law..she was hoping it wouldn't get this far. The worst is when I bring up my concerns and he plays "tit for tat". He is a child and it's annoying. We really need counseling...smh...
    I am so glad you see this for what it is. I truly hope you can get some help from counseling, even if it's just for you. Good luck! 
  • Always listen to your mom! Unless she has worse taste than you do! 
  • He didnt change because you said I do. Not for one moment do i believe that. You chose not to see it. Your mother knew he was a bum, and she was right.

    You DONT have to do any of the things you listed (drving him to work, taking her to look for a job) again you are making choices. You are an  enabler who is now regretting her decision.


Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards