Relationships
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Stay or go?

My boyfriend and I have betrayed each other's trusts in very different ways...he has forgiven me but I'm not sure that I can do the same. I believe his behavior is unacceptable & feel like I should end things bc I will never trust him again...but I am hoping I'm just overreacting? Please note, I am very aware that what I did was horrible & I need to make some changes moving forward no matter what. 

So, we've been together about a year and a half & have lived together for 4 months now. He continued texting with girls for about a month after we became official. & I mean sexy, sending pictures, etc. I found out about these when we were 3 months in (accidentally), and confronted him about it. He apologized & said he was just bored & that it was harmless fun that went too far. It took a while & I almost left him multiple times, but eventually decided to give him another chance since I thought we prob became official too soon anyway (we had only met a couple weeks before that). I did let him know though that what he did was cheating & that it was 100% unacceptable. 

However, I didn't trust him after that. I never actually suspected him of doing anything, he is a very loving, & caring boyfriend & makes me feel incredible. But I was crazy paranoid after reading those first texts. I know his password so a few months later I started checking his email and phone almost daily. It was unhealthy, disrespectful, & I never found anything.   Then in December I found a flirty work chat between himself & a coworker (who lives in another state). It lasted for 2 days & I found out about a week later. Again, I confronted him, he apologized, said it was harmless, but realized it was inappropriate so would never do it again (& didn't). I was really broken up about it due to his history, & since I couldn't imagine ever talking like that with a male co-worker... but gave him another chance. 

Outside of these incidents, he continues to be a seemingly perfect boyfriend. So finally on Tuesday, in order to prove to myself once and for all that he CAN be trusted, I did something terrible. I created an email address to imitate a girl he used to hook up with & continued to sexy-text with after (years before we started dating). I sent him an email that said, "I was bored the other and thinking about you ;) How are you?" Within 5 minutes he responds, "I'm working from home today and wouldn't mind thinking of you =)" My heart dropped. I wrote back asking for a picture (they used to send pics) & he said, "You first!" I said I can't, etc. & he finally said "Nah, I have a super lady so shouldn't be messing around." So, it seems like he made the right decision. BUT he still sent those first messages WHILE we were gchatting about Easter plans. It makes me sick to think that he would talk to another girl while he talks to me without thinking anything of it. Also, he changed his password sometime before he sent that last message, so I am convinced he suspected something was up & just sent it to cover his ass...though he denies this. 

So, after writing this all out, it seems that I am the crazy one. & he should leave me. & I've told him that I am aware that I betrayed his trust & I truly do feel horrible for what I did. But right now, all I can think about is that for 10 minutes, he was planning to spend the day sex-emailing this girl while he spoke to me like nothing was going on, & it prob would have continued if he hadn't gotten spooked. He tells me that it was a trap & he faltered but he immediately felt horrible about it & made the right decision. He also assures me that it will never happen again. I do love him, & I want to be with him. But I don't know if I can truly trust him when this keeps happening? Maybe for 6 months, but what about 5 years down the road? I know I'm crazy, but am I crazy for staying with him?

Thank you!


Re: Stay or go?

  • edited April 2014
    wellhi45 said:

    My boyfriend and I have betrayed each other's trusts in very different ways...he has forgiven me but I'm not sure that I can do the same. I believe his behavior is unacceptable & feel like I should end things bc I will never trust him again...

    You are not married to this guy.

    That is the upside.

    And your entire problem is trust. You cannot trust him; why do you even want him as a boyfriend?

    but I am hoping I'm just overreacting? Please note, I am very aware that what I did was horrible & I need to make some changes moving forward no matter what. 

    So, we've been together about a year and a half & have lived together for 4 months now. He continued texting with girls for about a month after we became official.

    You should have stopped right here and sent him on his way.

    WHY do you want a guy who has made it clear that he is not into you?

    & I mean sexy, sending pictures, etc. I found out about these when we were 3 months in (accidentally), and confronted him about it. He apologized & said he was just bored & that it was harmless fun that went too far.

    If it bothers you and upset you then it is not harmless fun.

    You should have gotten rid of him right there and then.

    You also have no promise or evidence that he hasn't been physical with these women. Do you want an STD to top all of this off?


    It took a while & I almost left him multiple times, but eventually decided to give him another chance since I thought we prob became official too soon anyway (we had only met a couple weeks before that). I did let him know though that what he did was cheating & that it was 100% unacceptable. 

    Get yourself to a therapist and find out why:
    !-You let this guy use you like a doormat
    2-You accept the fact that a guy is making you a very very distant second place

    However, I didn't trust him after that. I never actually suspected him of doing anything, he is a very loving, & caring boyfriend & makes me feel incredible.

    Come again???

    How is he "very loving and caring" and how does being into other women "make you feel incredible"????

    Loving and caring?

    WOW! Set your sights on bigger and better than HIS ass!!!!

    But I was crazy paranoid after reading those first texts. I know his password so a few months later I started checking his email and phone almost daily.

    Great; now you can be a policeman and the KGB, in addition to being his "girlfriend."

    Get rid of him posthaste.

    It was unhealthy, disrespectful, & I never found anything.   Then in December I found a flirty work chat between himself & a coworker (who lives in another state). It lasted for 2 days & I found out about a week later. Again, I confronted him, he apologized, said it was harmless, but realized it was inappropriate so would never do it again (& didn't). I was really broken up about it due to his history, & since I couldn't imagine ever talking like that with a male co-worker... but gave him another chance. 

    So you gave him another chance.

    He's getting the last laugh on you: you keep on giving him that "another chance."

    WHY are you so DUMB???? WHY do you want to live like this -- accepting the bottom of the food chain instead of a guy who has respect for you and wants you ONLY????

    Outside of these incidents, he continues to be a seemingly perfect boyfriend.

    Perfect, my ass.

    Don't waste your time or youth on this shithead.

    So finally on Tuesday, in order to prove to myself once and for all that he CAN be trusted, I did something terrible. I created an email address to imitate a girl he used to hook up with & continued to sexy-text with after (years before we started dating). I sent him an email that said, "I was bored the other and thinking about you ;) How are you?" Within 5 minutes he responds, "I'm working from home today and wouldn't mind thinking of you =)"

    Know what?

    I do not think that was terrible of you!

    What HE is doing is terrible...and that you continue to accept him for the shithead he is is terrible.

    It would have been terrible, though, if he somehow contacted the real person but the chances of that are about the same as him being faithful to you. (then again, that's NOT terrible at all; let him figure out who the hell contacted him! haha!)

    And what is terrible is that you seem to need to have the damn roof fall in on you --- can't you get it that this guy is a scumbag and he's gladly taken advantage of your doormatship over and over again???

    My heart dropped. I wrote back asking for a picture (they used to send pics) & he said, "You first!" I said I can't, etc. & he finally said "Nah, I have a super lady so shouldn't be messing around." So, it seems like he made the right decision. BUT he still sent those first messages WHILE we were gchatting about Easter plans. It makes me sick to think that he would talk to another girl while he talks to me without thinking anything of it. Also, he changed his password sometime before he sent that last message, so I am convinced he suspected something was up & just sent it to cover his ass...though he denies this. 

    So, after writing this all out, it seems that I am the crazy one. & he should leave me. & I've told him that I am aware that I betrayed his trust & I truly do feel horrible for what I did. But right now, all I can think about is that for 10 minutes, he was planning to spend the day sex-emailing this girl while he spoke to me like nothing was going on, & it prob would have continued if he hadn't gotten spooked. He tells me that it was a trap & he faltered but he immediately felt horrible about it & made the right decision. He also assures me that it will never happen again. I do love him, & I want to be with him. But I don't know if I can truly trust him when this keeps happening? Maybe for 6 months, but what about 5 years down the road? I know I'm crazy, but am I crazy for staying with him?

    Thank you!


    There really isn't much more to say.

    Get rid of him.

    You are losing NOTHING if you do.

    And get yourself to a therapist. YOu need to find out why you accept this type of behavior from a boyfriend --- if you don't get it stopped, I guarantee you that the next guy you date will be a copy of the one you're with now, because you'll be repeating a pattern. All the guys you date will be like this, unless you get to a therapist and learn how to stop this type of behavior in yourself.

    And just for safety's sake:  Get tested. I trust him as far as I can throw him; you should feel the same.
    doeydo
  • You should go.  I don't see a happy and healthy future here.
  • How old are you guys? It sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. Separately.

    This is not a healthy situation for either one of you. Please go and don't look back.
    TarponMonoxideLeftie22
  • edited April 2014
    By leaving this jerk you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

    Don't let him waste your time. Indeed go and don't look back.

    I can't get over the fact you insist he is still a great boyfriend. How is he great if he mistreats you even once??? Wow, sis: run like hell and don't look back! He's not worth your little toe!

    But I don't know if I can truly trust him when this keeps happening? Maybe for 6 months, but what about 5 years down the road? I know I'm crazy, but am I crazy for staying with him?


    I can't see how anybody in their right mind would give a liar 6 SECONDS of their time, let alone 6 months!

    WHY are you with this guy?

    He's lied to you about other women -- who knows what else he's lied to you about?

    And if he was going to spend the day sending some liftskirt text after text, wow -- how much of a motivated kind of guy can he be? Hasn't he got something more constructive to do?

    I am also wondering --- if he indeed would spend the day sending somebody sexually oriented texts if he's got the makings of some sort of sex addiction.

    You don't need this creep. Get rid of him --- and don't let him con you into staying. You are better off fleeing the scene -- don't even tell him you are breaking up with him --- and letting him figure out what happened to you --- move out when he's not there; take what is yours and move out. When he comes home, let him figure out what happened to you...maybe he will!

    Or perhaps he won't even so much as notice you are gone. Creep.

    Change your cell phone number, your landline if you've got one and get new email addys --- do what you have to do to end contact with him once and for all.
    doeydoSillygirl45pinkitty
  • What the what?!

    It's time to just break up and move on. Neither of you are ready to be in a long-term and committed relationship. He's not ready to settle down and you have some serious maturing to do.

    Yes, you love him and he's a nice guy. The world is FULL of nice guys - ones that won't cheat on you, who are ready to settle down and who you don't have to make fake accounts to see what he's doing, know his passwords and check his email and phone. Why in the world would you want to live like that? 

    And who in the world would want to live with someone who was going through their email and phone?!
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
    TarponMonoxideSillygirl45nyc artistGilliC
  • So many things wrong with this whole thing.


    I would end this before it gets worse. 
    TarponMonoxideSillygirl45
  • If he's being untrustworthy and you're doing things you shouldn't have to do, this relationship isn't going anywhere. I've been there before and I can't even describe the relief I felt after I broke up with the guy. Sure, I was sad for a while, but then I just felt free and like I could be normal again after being a paranoid mess for a year. Leave and wait for someone who you don't have to check up on. You won't regret it.
    TarponMonoxideSillygirl45
  • If you really wanted him to shit his pants:

    As "that person" Tell him you want to meet up with him at such such a place...and when you H gets there, surprise: "she" is YOU!

    That would have made for an interesting meeting indeed.

  • If you really wanted him to shit his pants:

    As "that person" Tell him you want to meet up with him at such such a place...and when you H gets there, surprise: "she" is YOU!

    That would have made for an interesting meeting indeed.
    "If you like piña coladas... Getting caught in the rain... If you like making love at midnight... And the taste of champagne..."
    bethann3181
  • He is in the wrong. 

    Your reaction to it is also not good behavior.

    He does not bring out the best in you and being with him is not making you a better person.

    Leave him.
  • Please go.  This is a disaster and neither of you are mature enough to handle a romantic relationship.  You need to do some growing alone.
  • You should go. You obviously don't trust him and since you keep accessing his texts & emails without his permission and then created the fake info to text him, he can't trust you. Since neither of you can trust each other, what is left?
  • Erikan73 said:
    You should go. You obviously don't trust him and since you keep accessing his texts & emails without his permission and then created the fake info to text him, he can't trust you. Since neither of you can trust each other, what is left?
    He could even go out and get a burner phone and contact these women --- or he can fool around the good old fashioned way --- call somebody by telephone when you are nowhere around (yes, they still have payphones) and meed up with that person.

    What is here for you? Do you wish to live your life under a sword of Damocles and have a relationship built on mistrust?
    doeydo
  • Oh honey.  He figured out that the texts were coming from you.  

    You know that in your heart.




    Tofumonkey
  • Thanks guys. I know I sound delusional, but I am 100% positive there has been no other communication with these girls or anyone else (I have been absolutely thorough with my investigations)...but the fact that I have even bothered to look says enough. & I know each incident on its own is reason enough to leave. 

    I just can't believe that I am here & am so upset that he did this to me & that I now have to uproot my entire life. & I don't know that I will ever be able to NOT be this crazy person with anyone else, because by all other accounts he has been the perfect boyfriend & crazy in love with me...so it's not like I know what warning signs to look out for now. & selfishly, I'm embarrassed to tell other people since we haven't even lived together that long. & of course, I love him & planned my life with him, so the last thing I want to do is leave him. But I guess people do this every day & come out okay so I will too. 
  • Sillygirl45Sillygirl45 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    Better now than six years and two kids later.
  • irkirk member
    First Comment
    Where their is no trust there is no relationship. Know that you deserve better than a man who lies and makes you doubt yourself!
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    wellhi45 said:
    Thanks guys. I know I sound delusional, but I am 100% positive there has been no other communication with these girls or anyone else (I have been absolutely thorough with my investigations)...but the fact that I have even bothered to look says enough. & I know each incident on its own is reason enough to leave. 

    I just can't believe that I am here & am so upset that he did this to me & that I now have to uproot my entire life. & I don't know that I will ever be able to NOT be this crazy person with anyone else, because by all other accounts he has been the perfect boyfriend & crazy in love with me...so it's not like I know what warning signs to look out for now. & selfishly, I'm embarrassed to tell other people since we haven't even lived together that long. & of course, I love him & planned my life with him, so the last thing I want to do is leave him. But I guess people do this every day & come out okay so I will too. 

    This is what therapy is for. To help you understand yourself and overcome these kinds of things.

    and you will absolutely be okay. It's a tough thing to go through, but a temporary sadness is better than a lifetime of sadness.
    image
  • This is the time for some therapy.  Figure out where your personal issues are and commit to being a healthy person going forward into your next relationship.  

    When my engagement when south many years ago, I went into therapy for a couple of months to deal with some of my issues so that I would not make the same mistakes the next time.  It was very helpful.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards