My boyfriend and I have betrayed each other's trusts in very different ways...he has forgiven me but I'm not sure that I can do the same. I believe his behavior is unacceptable & feel like I should end things bc I will never trust him again...but I am hoping I'm just overreacting? Please note, I am very aware that what I did was horrible & I need to make some changes moving forward no matter what.
So, we've been together about a year and a half & have lived together for 4 months now. He continued texting with girls for about a month after we became official. & I mean sexy, sending pictures, etc. I found out about these when we were 3 months in (accidentally), and confronted him about it. He apologized & said he was just bored & that it was harmless fun that went too far. It took a while & I almost left him multiple times, but eventually decided to give him another chance since I thought we prob became official too soon anyway (we had only met a couple weeks before that). I did let him know though that what he did was cheating & that it was 100% unacceptable.
However, I didn't trust him after that. I never actually suspected him of doing anything, he is a very loving, & caring boyfriend & makes me feel incredible. But I was crazy paranoid after reading those first texts. I know his password so a few months later I started checking his email and phone almost daily. It was unhealthy, disrespectful, & I never found anything. Then in December I found a flirty work chat between himself & a coworker (who lives in another state). It lasted for 2 days & I found out about a week later. Again, I confronted him, he apologized, said it was harmless, but realized it was inappropriate so would never do it again (& didn't). I was really broken up about it due to his history, & since I couldn't imagine ever talking like that with a male co-worker... but gave him another chance.
Outside of these incidents, he continues to be a seemingly perfect boyfriend. So finally on Tuesday, in order to prove to myself once and for all that he CAN be trusted, I did something terrible. I created an email address to imitate a girl he used to hook up with & continued to sexy-text with after (years before we started dating). I sent him an email that said, "I was bored the other and thinking about you How are you?" Within 5 minutes he responds, "I'm working from home today and wouldn't mind thinking of you " My heart dropped. I wrote back asking for a picture (they used to send pics) & he said, "You first!" I said I can't, etc. & he finally said "Nah, I have a super lady so shouldn't be messing around." So, it seems like he made the right decision. BUT he still sent those first messages WHILE we were gchatting about Easter plans. It makes me sick to think that he would talk to another girl while he talks to me without thinking anything of it. Also, he changed his password sometime before he sent that last message, so I am convinced he suspected something was up & just sent it to cover his ass...though he denies this.
So, after writing this all out, it seems that I am the crazy one. & he should leave me. & I've told him that I am aware that I betrayed his trust & I truly do feel horrible for what I did. But right now, all I can think about is that for 10 minutes, he was planning to spend the day sex-emailing this girl while he spoke to me like nothing was going on, & it prob would have continued if he hadn't gotten spooked. He tells me that it was a trap & he faltered but he immediately felt horrible about it & made the right decision. He also assures me that it will never happen again. I do love him, & I want to be with him. But I don't know if I can truly trust him when this keeps happening? Maybe for 6 months, but what about 5 years down the road? I know I'm crazy, but am I crazy for staying with him?