Trouble in Paradise
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How do you know when it is time to call it quits? 

Re: .

  • This is such a vague generic question because everyone's situation is different.

    I can only speak about past relationships here, but with the guy I dated before I met my H, I knew it was time because I would wake up next to him thinking to myself 'I can't see myself with this guy a year from now let alone 10 years from now.' There was a lot that happened in the relationship though - things like cheating, he was semi-employed, still living at home, and seemed to have no real goals or direction, didn't respect me or have any interest in any of the same things, we really didn't have much in common, he wanted me to quit DJ'ing because he hated the attention I was getting at gigs, never wanted to spend time with my friends but always wanted to with his, oh, and did I mention cheating? Yes, that. There was more, but that's most of it. The only real purpose he served was companionship so I wouldn't be lonely but I woke up one day and realized that I would rather be alone than with someone who brought me down. And I also realized that I wasn't in love with him. So that's how I knew.

    For everyone, it's different though. If there's cheating involved, it might be time to call it quits. Alcohol or drug abuse, same deal. Physical or emotional abuse, def time to quit.
  • doeydo said:
    How do you know when it is time to call it quits? 

    For me, it was when I'd exhausted all possible options for making things better. I realized that I couldn't go through 30 more years of the same, so if I couldn't change things, I had a better shot at being happy on my own.
  • When you find yourself unhappy more often than happy with the relationship.
  • When you honestly know you can't live the way you currently are living for 5, 10, 15, 20+ more years.

    If you've started to "check out" of your relationship (you don't put in to it what you used to, perhaps find you don't care what your partner does or where they go, maybe you're even glad you don't need to be around them).

    If you're unhappy and don't see resolution on the horizon, it's time to do the kindest thing to them and the best thing for yourself and go.

    Good luck.  You'll know when the time is "right" though.  If you're questioning it, and in public on an internet board...I'd say that's a good sign it's over. 
  • It's time to go when the relationship has run its course.

    It happens.

    Don't overstay your welcome. Even if you and he were perfectly fine --- nobody fooled around on the other person and it was a genuiunely good relationship -- the relationship could simply have used up its time span and is now over.
  • One of the ways is when you realize you're happier away from him than you are with him. When I found myself coming up with excuses to not go home right after work, or coming up with excuses to sleep on the couch instead of in bed with him, I knew I was done.
  • Basically, I echo previous posters' assertions of a couple of ways to tell when it's over - namely, the realization that you're happier alone than you are with him, and/or the realization that you can't envision any kind of a future with him. If you can't get through some particularly glaring issues that are deal breakers for you, that's obviously another way to tell.

    In my case, one of the biggest red flags with my ex was the fact that I started to fear him. He never laid a hand on me, nor did he ever threaten to. But looking back, I think one of the reasons we hardly ever argued was because way deep down, I wondered if someday he might, if I ever got him angry enough.

    We were both young and we each had emotional baggage to sort through. I decided that I was tired of feeling lousy and that I wanted to get help for my issues. He insisted that no counseling could ever teach him anything he didn't already know and that he was fine, JUST FINE, thank you very much. This insistence would get firmer when he drank. Not good.

    That, combined with the comments he would make about my pets (he wasn't a big animal person except for his cat, and even at that he sometimes mistreated the poor thing), his plans for how best to "discipline" any children we might have (thank God there were none) and his expressions of sheer delight at the thought of being able to torture those who had wronged him... they painted a very scary picture for me over time.

    On the night I finally got the nerve to tell him that I wasn't so sure we were going to work out, he drove MY car like an absolute maniac, drank almost an entire bottle of whiskey, and chewed me out for wanting to get my stuff out of his house. When his mom tried to intervene and asked us what was going on, he cursed and yelled at her too. This was the final sign that we were absolutely done.

    In summation:

    1. It is never, ever good to be in any way afraid of your partner. If you generally have a healthy relationship but you sometimes get the jitters about "taking the next step," a bit of nervousness about that is one thing. But if it's the person you fear, it's for a good reason. Run.

    2. The way your partner treats their parents is the same way he or she will someday treat you. Are you okay with that?

    3. It's not good if you rarely or never argue. If this is the case, it's because one of you is walking on eggshells around the other, in which case, see Point #1.

  • If he's hitting you, abusing you in some other way, cheating on you with no intention of stopping, or if he leaves you or tells you he doesn't want to work on your marriage anymore. At that point, there's nothing that can be done. Until then, counseling and self-reflection can help. You can't change him, but you can change yourself and the way you react to him. If may take time, but eventually, if you stop responding to the typical fight-starters, he may eventually come around and decide to work on it too (if he isn't already). It's going to take a lot of work, patience, and sacrifice, but you can save your marriage. Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.
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