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Temporary move out tactic

My husband has some behaviors that I find undesirable (ie. selfishness, inconsideration, general lack of maturity & responsibility, shows disrespect toward women including me, not affectionate, etc.). I knew these were issues we'd have to work on when I entered this relationship. I've tried addressing these issues repeatedly over the course of our 8 yr relationship, and very little has changed. In talking to a friend who's a therapist, I brought up the idea of a temporary move out (like staying in a hotel or friend's place for a week). I am at a loss to get his attention that his behaviors need to change in order for our relationship to progress. I'm not at the point where I feel divorce is necessary but I've dealt with these issues long enough to be emotionally exhausted & frustrated. Was wondering if anyone else has had success with this shock & awe tactic. Stories appreciated..

Re: Temporary move out tactic

  • What alarms me is the statement "I knew these were issues we'd have to work on when I entered this relationship."

    Perhaps you haven't heard the advice of not dating fixer-uppers. You can't make people change. Why on earth would you marry someone you wanted to change? It is much easier to find someone who already fits your criteria than to try to change someone after the fact. Ask yourself . . . if he doesn't change, could you be married to him for the rest of your life just as he is today? If not, you need to think long and hard as to whether staying in this marriage is fair to him. 
    Maybride2TarponMonoxide
  • Sillygirl45Sillygirl45 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    Soo, you married an immature, sexist, selfish child and are surprised that after eight years you haven't been able to magically change him. Well, what a surprise! I'm shocked. Marriage usually changes the worst toads into handsome princes like magic.

    Your solution to this is to behave just as childishly by moving out (I'm assuming there will be some foot stomping and pouting as well) and sending a totally insincere message that you're not going to take it anymore...well, maybe...but probably not...but yeah, you'll keep putting up with it. Sounds like a splendid idea.

    In all seriousness...you two need to act like adults, get to counseling, and work on your marriage together. Like grown ups do. Otherwise, continue with this childish behavior and come on back in a month to tell us how he is being so nice and begged for you to come home...then a month later you can let us know he's back to being a selfish ass. Because that is how this story will go.

    Shock and awe tactics do not work. Mutual respect, compromise, understanding, and love for one another do.

    ETA- it also helps not to marry a fixer upper in the first place.
    TarponMonoxideLeftie22jennifermcnatt
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    This can't be real.  I mean... come ON.  You knew he had issues, but then not only dated him but MARRIED HIM? And you've been together for 8 years and now for some reason it's a serious enough issue that you might move out?  To "shock" him? 


    What the ever loving fuck? 

    This is who he is through and through.  Stop pretending otherwise.  Either stay with him and accept it or just leave and divorce his ass. 

    Sillygirl45TarponMonoxideTofumonkey
  • edited March 2014
    al1bye said:
    My husband has some behaviors that I find undesirable (ie. selfishness, inconsideration, general lack of maturity & responsibility, shows disrespect toward women including me, not affectionate, etc.). I knew these were issues we'd have to work on when I entered this relationship.

    "Worked on when you ENTERED the relationship"?

    Knowing all of this, wow, you should have exited the relationship when you saw what he was -- in the early dating stages -=-- and in a hurry, sis!

    Who wants an oaf like your H???? I am wondering how picky you were about men and what you even saw in this guy!

    Why did you stay with him, let alone marry him?

    "We'd have to work on"? Why in the name of tully would YOU want to "help" resolve this shithead's problems??? This is for him to take care of, not for you bust your ass over and to waste your life with.


    I've tried addressing these issues repeatedly over the course of our 8 yr relationship, and very little has changed. In talking to a friend who's a therapist, I brought up the idea of a temporary move out (like staying in a hotel or friend's place for a week).

    As a friend, she needed to tell you to get out and file. And if she knew about this mess when you were in the early dating stages, she should have advised you to leave burning skid marks.

    I am at a loss to get his attention that his behaviors need to change in order for our relationship to progress. I'm not at the point where I feel divorce is necessary but I've dealt with these issues long enough to be emotionally exhausted & frustrated. Was wondering if anyone else has had success with this shock & awe tactic. Stories appreciated..
    I cannot see what is here for you. Consider leaving this guy.

    He is the poster child for "You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

    Tell us why you even dated this guy, let alone married him.

    It may be that he's got some sort of behavioral disorder or emotional problem --- but then again, he may just be a jerk.  I would not waste any more of my life on this guy, if I were you.
  • This has got to be MUD. Please tell me it is...
    VORTofumonkey
  • edited March 2014
    And we were considering having a baby with this loser???

    WHY would you want to bring a child into this mess????

    Shock tactic?

    He probably will not notice you've left, let alone care that you are gone.

    An "undesirable behavior" to me is a guy who keeps forgetting to bring the laundry to the washing machine, not filling the tank of your car after he uses it or having to remind him to go mow the lawn! it sure isn't disrespect for women, sefishness, inconsideration and the rest that you named!

    Counseling for you immediately: you are with a royal scumbag and you are not picky about your choices in men.
    PrincessVegan
  • al1bye said:
    My husband has some behaviors that I find undesirable (ie. selfishness, inconsideration, general lack of maturity & responsibility, shows disrespect toward women including me, not affectionate, etc.). I knew these were issues we'd have to work on when I entered this relationship. I've tried addressing these issues repeatedly over the course of our 8 yr relationship, and very little has changed. In talking to a friend who's a therapist, I brought up the idea of a temporary move out (like staying in a hotel or friend's place for a week). I am at a loss to get his attention that his behaviors need to change in order for our relationship to progress. I'm not at the point where I feel divorce is necessary but I've dealt with these issues long enough to be emotionally exhausted & frustrated. Was wondering if anyone else has had success with this shock & awe tactic. Stories appreciated..
    On the off chance this is not MUD, we will C&P... Just in case.

    VOR said:
    And we were considering having a baby with this loser???



    Oh, come on now.  Didn't you know babies make EVERYTHING better?  If dating a loser doesn't change him, well then - you marry him.  But if THAT doesn't work and he's still a loser, you have a baby.  Then everything will really get better then!!

     

    Of course marriage and babies make everything better! Wish I had known this before. Why did I wait until I found someone with the qualities I was looking for when I could have taken anyone I had dated and made him into the perfect man?! 

    If H and I ever do get divorced, I'll make sure to get knocked up quickly with whomever I'm dating to save time and heartache! I will be sure to post all the juicy details here so you ladies can benefit from my experiences.
    VORTofumonkey
  • I think leaving for any amount of time to prove a point or to shock is an immature tactic.

    You should see a therapist together. Someone who is not a friend.

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    Kimbus22Tofumonkey
  • Why even bother to know a person who is not considerate of you???
  • What is MUD? Also I would work on marriage and go to counseling. But you can't change him unless he himself wants to change.. 
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2014
    What is MUD? Also I would work on marriage and go to counseling. But you can't change him unless he himself wants to change.. 
    "What is MUD? Baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me no more!"
    image
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    Tofumonkeybuttercup1958
  • I've only known this type of tatic to work once. But there is a big difference, he wasn't treating her like your husband is treating you. Their probablem was lack of communication & willing to deal with issues. Leaving him did get him to agree to go to individual and couples counseling because he did realize they had issues they needed to talk about. She went to individual counseling too to deal with some of her own personal issues. It did help help them learn how to communicate and figure out some of their differences & they did get back together. But in your case, I don't think this would work. You can see if he would be willing to go to counseling so that you can have a third person help you explain to him that how certain behaviors make you feel. But the reality of it is, some things might change, but he probably won't change totally. I wouldn't force him to go to counseling, because if he doesn't want to change or hear what you have to say, going will only be a waste of time and money.
  • I honestly think that moving out would be the worst possible thing you should do.

    You need to handle this like a big kid.

    You should both sit down and have a discussion about what's going on, and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you've exhausted every option and that you need his help to figure this out. Discuss each and everything that's going on that either of you don't enjoy, and talk about how BOTH of you can work to fix it. 

    Now, when FI and I have any sort of issue with something that either of us are doing, this is how we handle it. For example, pretend that I said something hurtful or rude to FI.
    1. He will bring it up and mention that what I said hurt him. Out of respect, he will do it when no one is with us so that he doesn't embarass me. But, at the same time, he will do it ASAP because the longer you let things like this, big or small, sit with you, the more resentment and hurt you will end up building. 
    2. He will tell me how it made him feel, and why he felt that way.
    3. I will explain what I meant when I said that (this only applies if there is some sort of misunderstanding)
    4. I will apologize sincerely to him, whether or not he was hurt by the things I meant, because at the end of the day I still hurt him.
    5. He will come up with something he could do to make sure that a situation like this doesn't happen anymore. (I promise, each problem is BOTH PARTNER'S FAULT. Especially in a marriage).
    6. I will come up with something I could do to make sure a situation like this doesn't happen anymore.
    7. We hold each other accountable. We will ask through out the next couple days (or weeks, depending on how severe the situation is) about how each other is doing as we work on the things we discussed. As long as we are honestly trying, this is always a positive experience. 
    8. Let it go. When it's done, it's done. That means that when he does something to hurt me, he can't bring up this situation to be spiteful. That means that if he ever wants me to do something for him, he wont use the situation as blackmail. Equally, I will not continue to feel butt-hurt about the situation. This is probably the most important step. 
    CJ12211
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