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Finally Confronted my MIL about pop-ins

Hi Nesters! So as many of you on here know, I've had a LOT of issues with my MIL in the past. Specifically, her popping in and trying to pawn my niece and nephew on me. A couple of Fridays ago, I was home alone, didn't know that she and the kids were going to be popping in (she didn't call or text, like usual) and they just walked into my house! As you can imagine, I was PISSED. 1st - who doesn't call to say they're coming by and 2nd - who just walks into someone's house, especially when they didn't even know you were coming over. I could have been naked and doing some freaky-deaky stuff! I literally stood there with my arms crossed over my chest and gave her dirty looks the entire time she was there. So, I was fuming about it for a few hours and after a glass or 2 of wine, decided to finally confront her. I know some might consider this the weak way of confronting, but I texted her and nicely said "I don't mind if you and the kids stop by to say hi every once in a while, but I would really appreciate it if you could call or text first. I really don't like the pop-ins and it puts me on the spot when you just stop by because you know the kids are going to beg to stay and then I have to be the bad guy telling them no they can't stay." If you knew my MIL, you'd understand that it is impossible to confront her to her face or even on the phone because she constantly tries to brush it off, will just ignore what you say, or she'll try to twist things around. So a few days later, we were at a family dinner and my SIL and her boyfriend were talking about their new place they just moved into. The boyfriend told MIL she should stop by sometime and see the place. She replies (keep in mind I'm standing right behind her) "OH NO, I don't DARE pop in!" So I brushed it off, kind of laughed about it. I find out that since then she's been talking crap about me behind my back telling the family that I refuse to babysit the kids! I'm dumbfounded because that is not at all what I said to her. She has a problem respecting our boundaries and she needed to be put in her place. Now she's going around acting like SHE'S the victim! Part of me laughs about this, and the other part of me just thinks she's immature and pathetic. Seriously, what 50-something year old acts like this?!?!

Re: Finally Confronted my MIL about pop-ins

  • Take away her key or change your locks. That way she can't just walk in. I can't stand when people just show up at my house either. At this point people have learned their lesson. I just don't answer the door. I will see them & they will see me & I still don't answer the door.

    Anniversary

    catmiss9Rainzzzy
  • First you need to take change the locks. 

    Second you need to send your DH in.  HE needs to let his mother know that drop-ins are no longer allowed AND to not only knock off the lies, but to correct the lies or you will be taking a nice long break. 

    Third, do not demand an apology.  That will never happen. Just demand respect. 
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    Rainzzzy
  • Are you really surprised at her reaction, though? 

    And I'm sure I asked this before- WHERE is your DH in this?  For the fact that she's now bad mouthing you, he needs to step in and deal with her.

    But, I'd also bet you that everyone is perfectly aware of what she's like and when she's claiming you "refuse" to babysit, they may be thinking "Good for her for standing up".
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • She actually didn't use a key to get in. The door was unlocked and she just walked in with the kids. I was shocked beyond belief. I now lock my door as soon as I get home. EastCoastBride, I think you're correct, everyone knows she's crazy and they very well are probably on my side. I haven't had anyone say anything to me or act weird around me so that's a good sign haha. As for the DH, I don't really want to involve him in this. This is my issue with her, not his. Also, he's not around when it's happening so it's awkward for him to say something when he hasn't witnessed it first hand. I did ask him to stand up for me next time he hears her bad mouthing me so hopefully he will. I just hate to put him in the middle of it all. I feel like if I keep burdening him with my problems about his mom, it'll only tear us apart. It's the one and only thing we actually fight about. I have to learn to be able to stick up for myself and deal with her on my own terms. His family is just like that, they don't like to get involved in drama that has nothing to do with them. What's funny is that my SIL has still asked me to watch the kids, so she must just think her mom is being dramatic or she wouldn't have reached out to me after MIL was bad mouthing me saying I wouldn't watch her kids. I just can't believe how immature she's acting about this. I have every right to my privacy and asking her to call before she comes over isn't an outlandish request. Ugh! Thank goodness we'll be moving any day now!!
  • MtnLvr109 said:
    As for the DH, I don't really want to involve him in this. This is my issue with her, not his. Also, he's not around when it's happening so it's awkward for him to say something when he hasn't witnessed it first hand. I did ask him to stand up for me next time he hears her bad mouthing me so hopefully he will. I just hate to put him in the middle of it all. I feel like if I keep burdening him with my problems about his mom, it'll only tear us apart. It's the one and only thing we actually fight about.

    On some issues, sure, fight your own fight.  Her popping in?  Yes, actually, it's probably best for you to handle it in the moment  But she's bad mouthing you to the entire family.  YOU are the bad guy now and she's spreading crap about you.  This is why I say HE needs to help you out here.  This is his mom.  HE needs to tell her "she's my wife and expect you to treat her w/ respect". 

    Seriously. 

    YOU aren't putting him in the middle.  I'd say that his mom is and HE is.  I'm sure he knows perfectly well what she's like and he's choosing to stick his head in the sand over it. 

    Which really is the other issue here.  His mother barging in and then bad mouthing you is going to tear you apart if you talk to him about it???  Really???  This very much tells me that this is a DH problem too. He ignores what his mom does even though it's wrong but YOU end up being the bad guy with him too- because you dare to question his mom.

     

    That's not fair to you.  At all. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

    R.WilsonnySillygirl45Rainzzzy
  • ^^^ all of this. And OP, just because your H isn't physically there to see what his mother is doing does not absolve him of any responsibility to put a stop to it. He needs to step in and tell his mother to cut the crap. He needs to tell her that she is not to bad mouth you with her bullshit AND she is not to just walk into your house unannounced. She doesn't live there, and therefore she doesn't just get a pass because she is family where it's okay to barge in. That's bullshit.
    Sillygirl45
  • Sillygirl45Sillygirl45 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    I am sooo with ECB and R.Wilsonny. This IS something H needs to be involved in. He needs to tell his mother to cut it out. She is being passive aggressive and childish. 

    I'm glad you stood up for yourself and no one else seems to be feeding into her issues. However, he has to take the lead on this. You shouldn't be fighting about his mom being intrusive. I understand this is "just how his family is"...but it doesn't make it ok. 

    I find it really crazy that she says things like you won't watch the kids as a cut on you. THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS!!! You are in no way obligated to watch anyone's kids, regardless of how close they live to you. Would MIL be saying this about your H? I seriously doubt it. Having a uterus does not oblige you to being an on call sitter.  
    R.WilsonnyMtnLvr109Rainzzzy
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    So what if she is telling people you refuse to babysit the kids?  It's just one less request that someone is going to make of you!  I don't think it's that bad.  It's not MIL's job to ask you to babysit, anyway.  If your SIL/BIL need you or DH to help with the kids, they can pick up the phone themselves and you can say yes or no TO THEM.
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
    MtnLvr109
  • I wouldn't worry about any badmouthing she is doing to other family members. I'm sure they can see for themselves the way she is and won't really think anything bad of you. 
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