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What would you do? (kind of long)

Ok...I am going to try and make this as short and sweet as I can. BF and I have been together for 7 years now. We started dating when I was only 19 years old. When we first starting dating, I had recently gotten out of a bad relationship where I was repeatedly cheated on and wasn't treated right at all (I was young and very nieve and pretty much just let him run all over me). So when I started dating BF, my parents didnt know about what my ex had done. I didn't tell them because the relationship was over and that was that. Well he was crazy and still continued to try to contact me up to a year after BF and I started dating. After he FINALLY got the clue to leave me the hell alone, he started in on my parents. My mother tried to talk to me and tell me that I needed to talk to him and just listen to his apology, even if we didnt reconcile (which I told her that people in hell had a better chance at icewater). So finally I told her what he had done...instead of her seeing what I saw in my ex it made her paranoid about my current BF and so his background was checked behind his back and mine. When my parents told me what they did I was LIVID. I said that they had no reason to do this to him, he had been nothing but good to me and they were treating him unfairly. They told me everything they found on the background check (which was nothing....just one thing he got in trouble for when he was 20 years old and he had already told me about when we started dating) I told them he had already told me this stuff because unlike my ex he was honest with me. So after only 3 months of dating my current BF my parents kicked me out of their house because they said I was "spending too much time with my bf"...at this point I was 20 years old with two full time jobs. He took me in no questions asked. Needless to say all of these things have put a strain on us. He doesn't really want to be around my family (and I can't say that I blame him). They still to this day haven't apologized to him for anything, they will not acknowledge that they kicked me out (my mom likes to say that I chose to leave..when I didn't). They pretty much pretend like it never happened, my mom talks about he and I getting married and having kids....especially since we have been together so long. He and I have discussed marriage and kids, so neither of us are against it but we aren't in a rush either. I am just fine with my life the way it is. The other stuff will happen when it happens. What the heck do I do with this situation? It still makes me SO ANGRY that they did those things to him and even more angry that they have yet to acknowledge or even apologize for what they did. I don't attend a lot of family functions because I want him to be able to come with me. He is the man I love and I feel like we should be able to attend these things together. I don't agree with what they did or how they treated him AT ALL, and everytime we dont attend a function I get the world's worst guilt trip....suggestions?

Re: What would you do? (kind of long)

  • edited April 2014
    Ok...I am going to try and make this as short and sweet as I can. BF and I have been together for 7 years now. We started dating when I was only 19 years old.

     When we first starting dating, I had recently gotten out of a bad relationship where I was repeatedly cheated on and wasn't treated right at all (I was young and very nieve and pretty much just let him run all over me).


    You were perhaps what --- maybe 15 or 16 tops when you were dating this guy?

    That's where it was at, given your age: DATING, not a relationship ---- and it's too bad you didn't talk to somebody (a teacher you trusted, a guidance counselor: somebody who is knowledgable and dependable) so that you could have avoided dating jerks once and for all.

    It's a given that a guy who is a teen will *cheat* --- again, this was dating and that's a whole other story.

    I don't know what "cheating" consisted of; maybe he simply was off dating other girls and you thought you had an agreement with him to date only you. That sounds like just about normal for a teen boy.

    And this was dating, NOT a relationship. (and personally, I think you need to get out there, date some other guys and then shoot for marriage somewhere in your early 30s)

     So when I started dating BF, my parents didnt know about what my ex had done. I didn't tell them because the relationship was over and that was that. Well he was crazy and still continued to try to contact me up to a year after BF and I started dating. After he FINALLY got the clue to leave me the hell alone, he started in on my parents.

    This is where it gets dicey and if "starting in on your parents" meant he was causing a disturbance to their lives, either the kid's parents should have been called or the police should have, depending upon what exactly he was doing.  Sounds like he was a little flakey and unstable, to put it lightly.

    My mother tried to talk to me and tell me that I needed to talk to him and just listen to his apology, even if we didn't reconcile (which I told her that people in hell had a better chance at icewater). So finally I told her what he had done...instead of her seeing what I saw in my ex it made her paranoid about my current BF and so his background was checked behind his back and mine. When my parents told me what they did I was LIVID. I said that they had no reason to do this to him, he had been nothing but good to me and they were treating him unfairly. They told me everything they found on the background check (which was nothing....just one thing he got in trouble for when he was 20 years old and he had already told me about when we started dating) I told them he had already told me this stuff because unlike my ex he was honest with me. So after only 3 months of dating my current BF my parents kicked me out of their house because they said I was "spending too much time with my bf"...at this point I was 20 years old with two full time jobs. He took me in no questions asked. Needless to say all of these things have put a strain on us. He doesn't really want to be around my family (and I can't say that I blame him). They still to this day haven't apologized to him for anything, they will not acknowledge that they kicked me out (my mom likes to say that I chose to leave..when I didn't). They pretty much pretend like it never happened, my mom talks about he and I getting married and having kids....especially since we have been together so long. He and I have discussed marriage and kids, so neither of us are against it but we aren't in a rush either. I am just fine with my life the way it is. The other stuff will happen when it happens. What the heck do I do with this situation? It still makes me SO ANGRY that they did those things to him and even more angry that they have yet to acknowledge or even apologize for what they did. I don't attend a lot of family functions because I want him to be able to come with me. He is the man I love and I feel like we should be able to attend these things together. I don't agree with what they did or how they treated him AT ALL, and everytime we dont attend a function I get the world's worst guilt trip....suggestions?
    I have no idea what it is he did and what kind of "background check" they were able to get, but depending upon what it is he was in trouble for, perhaps you should be wise and maybe stop seeing him.

    And he "took you in"? Do you want a dependable boyfriend that you can perhaps bank on future-wise or do you want somebody who did this to you out of pity and "kindness"? Moving in with somebody is a significant next step. You do it because of your relationship, not because a parent has decided you can no longer live in his or her home.

    Perhaps this isn't the guy for you. 

    I vote for you getting out there, dating other guys and then getting married somewhere in the next several years. THis is your one and only boyfriend; as I said, what you did in high school was only dating. It was NOT a relationship.
  • I have been with my current bf (not the crazy one) for over 7 years now. He is the guy for me. I said took me in for lack of better words considering we had only been in a relationship for 3 months when my parents decided to kick me out with nowhere else to go. He did tell me when we first started dating what he got in trouble for (when he was 20 it was a DUI in college stupid mistake which he hasnt made since) and this was before the background check they did on him so he didnt tell me because he had to he told me because he was being honest. My parents performed a check because my father worked for law enforcement at the time. He has been the most dependable person in my life for over 7 years now. And as far as what I meant by cheating with my ex he slept with other women MULTIPLE women. He was a jackass. When he "started in on my parents" they didnt think anything was wrong with it and so they wouldnt have said anything, but even if they did it wouldnt have mattered for 2 reasons... 1)because his mother tried to get me to go on road trips with her even after we were through and she knew I was dating someone else and 2) because he didnt live at home.

    I may not have explained this very well? Exhibit A is my ex who cheated and Exhibit B is my current of over 7 years who has done everything he can for me and still gets the shit end of the stick from my family for no reason.

     

  • edited April 2014

    I have been with my current bf (not the crazy one) for over 7 years now. He is the guy for me. I said took me in for lack of better words considering we had only been in a relationship for 3 months when my parents decided to kick me out with nowhere else to go. He did tell me when we first started dating what he got in trouble for (when he was 20 it was a DUI in college stupid mistake which he hasnt made since) and this was before the background check they did on him so he didnt tell me because he had to he told me because he was being honest. My parents performed a check because my father worked for law enforcement at the time. He has been the most dependable person in my life for over 7 years now. And as far as what I meant by cheating with my ex he slept with other women MULTIPLE women. He was a jackass. When he "started in on my parents" they didnt think anything was wrong with it and so they wouldnt have said anything, but even if they did it wouldnt have mattered for 2 reasons... 1)because his mother tried to get me to go on road trips with her even after we were through and she knew I was dating someone else and 2) because he didnt live at home.

    I may not have explained this very well? Exhibit A is my ex who cheated and Exhibit B is my current of over 7 years who has done everything he can for me and still gets the shit end of the stick from my family for no reason.

     

    Once and again: it was a high school boy you dated. This is high school silliness --- multiple WOMEN??? No, high school girls.

    NOT a "relationship"! Again, you dated him.

    And whether or not you want to admit it you are in a pattern of dating guys with problems.  I get the idea that the guy you are dating now is not exactly a knight in shining armor.

    And btw....did you ever get this mess straightened out? His mother is living with you and the BF; she was supposed to stay for a short while but is there now for a thousand years!

    Holy skikeys; you and he are supposed to decide together whether she can stay or go! I'll bet you he called the shots on all of this and you shut your mouth like a good little midshipman!!!

    And he is NOT the guy for you if he couldn't have your back and tell his mother "Sorry but you can only live with us for another month; that is what I and Montgomery87 decided."

    Thanks again for all of the advice. Honestly I think the most difficult part is going to be the fact that his mother also lives with us, and she is being completely insensitive. Example- I still work full time and he told me today that he was trying to talk to her about how he was feeling and she was just staring at the television barely acknowledging him. Things like that make me want to tell her to get out of my house!!! I am being as positive as I can be and trying to contain my anger with her behavior because I know the last thing he needs is me complaining about her....does anyone want to adopt her for a bit?
  • excuse me, girls....and one woman (the last one was about 2 years younger than his mother)

    and he actually accepted a job and we are relocating so his mother isnt an issue anymore. I never said my current was a knight in shining armor, but he isnt a shit bag like the last one either. I dont think one mistake when he was 20 years old is a "pattern of issues". Everyone makes stupid mistakes, its what you learn from those mistakes that makes you.

    He didnt make any decisions on his own, like I said we are in a relationship and he includes me on decisions he makes and I include him as well. I dont " shut my mouth like a good midshipmen"

  • and before you say it he was employed elsewhere before he accepted this job which will allow him to utilize his college degree, and it is in an area that we have been discussing relocating to for quite some time now.
  • excuse me, girls....and one woman (the last one was about 2 years younger than his mother)

    and he actually accepted a job and we are relocating so his mother isnt an issue anymore. I never said my current was a knight in shining armor, but he isnt a shit bag like the last one either. I dont think one mistake when he was 20 years old is a "pattern of issues". Everyone makes stupid mistakes, its what you learn from those mistakes that makes you.

    He didnt make any decisions on his own, like I said we are in a relationship and he includes me on decisions he makes and I include him as well. I dont " shut my mouth like a good midshipmen"

    Perhaps she cannot come with you.

    But the fact that he can't stand up to his mother will still remain. You more or less have the whole thing swept under a rug!

    You needed to be positively livid that he would not tell his mother she could not live with you at all. Instead, you just rolled with the punches. Not good.

    So what does he have your back with, I wonder?

    He needed to tell her flat out that staying with you and him was not an option and if she threw a fit, who cares!
  • He has stood up for me plenty of times with her...more than I can count. She and I have very different personalities and got along fine before we lived under the same roof. He has said many times (to her) that she needs to go, afterwards she changes 100%,then slowly goes back to normal. She lost her mother about a year and a half ago and her mother was very sick prior (ever since he and I have been together) and I try to be sensitive to that, because his mother was the only sibling who really bothered to go see her, so I feel like it was worse on her.  He doesnt just let her treat me and our home anyway she pleases, he stands up to her and takes my side, regardless of tantrums or whatever else. She acted childish when she found out about this great opportunity for him and that we would be relocating, but since then has calmed down and is 100% supportive. I believe she saw how happy he was about this opportunity and saw that it would be better for him. I am overjoyed that we will finally be alone, and this situation will not EVER happen again, which he has made abundantly clear....
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    Have you talked, REALLY talked w/ your parents about what happened 7 years ago?  You say that your mom claims you left.  I think you need to tell them that their lack of taking responsibility with what happened is affecting your relationship w/ them and your bFs relationship with them.

    It's great that your mom talks about when you get married (she seems to have moved past her issues) - BUT you need to tell her that if there isn't SOME kind of acknowledgement/responsibility on their part to what happened - whatever ideas she has in her head of being involved in her daughters wedding are probably going to be very different than what happens.

    They need to GET IT that you and your BF are hurt and it's affecting your relationship.  They need to hear ALL of this. 

    That being said- for the fact that your mom is talking wedding, it sounds that your parents have "moved on".  Some of this might also involve you and BF "moving on" too.  Not saying don't talk to your parents, but some of this might be about you letting go too.  You might not get 100% what you want.  You might need to work with that. 

    While you're parents overreacted - at the same time, it was clear they were worried about you.  I hate to pull this- but when you have kids... you'll understand some of their emotions and feelings about what they were concerned you were doing. 

    This doesn't seem to be something I'd hold onto forever.  It's already been SEVEN years. 

    Sillygirl45
  • I agree about talking with them about this, and my BF does too. We just arent sure how to approach a subject that they choose to ignore.... suggestions?

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    I agree about talking with them about this, and my BF does too. We just arent sure how to approach a subject that they choose to ignore.... suggestions?

    I'd approach it from a "I realize this happened a long time ago and I realize that at the time, you were trying to protect me.  However, we've never really talked about what happened when I started dating BF and when you asked me to move out.  Here's the thing- it's weighed on our minds for the past 7 years and it's affected our relationship with you.  We don't want it to any longer.  We want to move past it.  But - in order for that to happen, we need to talk about it with you and either get a better understanding of your view on it or we'd like an apology".

     

    If they try to blow it off - stop them.  Tell them "if you try to sweep this under the rug, its only going to continue to fester with us and the distance that WE feel with you all will only get bigger.  I need for you to hear me on this."

    This needs to be calm, conversational.  And if they do actually talk about it- you need to LISTEN to them too.  You might be surprised at what you hear. 

     

    And - this doesn't all have to be resolved in one sitting.  It can be a "let's sit on this and talk in a few days" if you feel they need to collect their thoughts, or if you need to collect yours. 

    Sillygirl45
  • He has stood up for me plenty of times with her...more than I can count. She and I have very different personalities and got along fine before we lived under the same roof. He has said many times (to her) that she needs to go, afterwards she changes 100%,then slowly goes back to normal.

    Nope; this is bull.

    He needs to give her a deadline to get out; hand her the "Rooms For Rent" want ads and give her a deadline.

    How old is she --- probably mid 50s, if not a bit younger? No reason for her to be staying there.  She needs to get her own place and if she cannot afford it, there is a thing called a roommate.

    So, you stand for this mess??? She hems and haws and your BF can't tell her once and for all when to leave???

    No; he is not standing up for the 2 of you. Particularly when he knows that 1-She needs to be on her own and 2-It's not a great situation for you: the 2 of you do not get along.

    Besides, YOU are to come first. You are a committed couple. His mother needs to take a way back seat.


    She lost her mother about a year and a half ago and her mother was very sick prior (ever since he and I have been together) and I try to be sensitive to that, because his mother was the only sibling who really bothered to go see her, so I feel like it was worse on her.

    What's this got to do with her living with you? 

    He doesnt just let her treat me and our home anyway she pleases, he stands up to her and takes my side, regardless of tantrums or whatever else.

    Which is why she stalls about leaving and he looks the other way on it.

    She acted childish when she found out about this great opportunity for him and that we would be relocating, but since then has calmed down and is 100% supportive. I believe she saw how happy he was about this opportunity and saw that it would be better for him. I am overjoyed that we will finally be alone, and this situation will not EVER happen again, which he has made abundantly clear....
    But like I said: the problem of his being a pushover is still there.

    And to me, this is a big red flag.

    I am wondering if this might be a cultural problem. What culture is he?
  • VOR said:

    I agree about talking with them about this, and my BF does too. We just arent sure how to approach a subject that they choose to ignore.... suggestions?

    I'd approach it from a "I realize this happened a long time ago and I realize that at the time, you were trying to protect me.  However, we've never really talked about what happened when I started dating BF and when you asked me to move out.  Here's the thing- it's weighed on our minds for the past 7 years and it's affected our relationship with you.  We don't want it to any longer.  We want to move past it.  But - in order for that to happen, we need to talk about it with you and either get a better understanding of your view on it or we'd like an apology".

     

    If they try to blow it off - stop them.  Tell them "if you try to sweep this under the rug, its only going to continue to fester with us and the distance that WE feel with you all will only get bigger.  I need for you to hear me on this."

    This needs to be calm, conversational.  And if they do actually talk about it- you need to LISTEN to them too.  You might be surprised at what you hear. 

     

    And - this doesn't all have to be resolved in one sitting.  It can be a "let's sit on this and talk in a few days" if you feel they need to collect their thoughts, or if you need to collect yours. 

    As usual, I agree with @VOR. I kinda get where your parents were coming from...I'm a super sleuth myself...especially when it has to do with my niece... However this has become an actual situation and you certainly need to confront it head on. 

    It's been long enough. I totally agree with the above. Time to clear this up. 
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