Family Matters
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Holy CRAP they are NOT making this easy!

Update to finally cutting out my mother.

Holy hell. I hadn't heard from them since November, shortly after they stayed with us for a couple of days (from hell). January 1st I sent her a brief text message with important news, which she responded making it all about her. No more contact since then. Saturday night she sends me a short, innocent text message inquiring about my treatment.

I didn't respond immediately - that text to me was like a coiled snake. It was loaded somehow, I just didn't yet know how. 

Not even a full day passes and I get a horrible FB message from my 21 year old sister (that still lives at home) swearing at me, I'm a 'cancer on their family', our mother cries all day and lays in bed, I've destroyed them, I've 'forced her hand' and she must tell me how she really feels, blah blah blah. It was one of the most venomous messages I've ever read. I need therapy, and for more than my 'medical drama' (I've got a rare autoimmune disease and have just finished 13 months of chemotherapy, etc.), that I 'hold my children over them' and 'continue to hurt their family' (by leaving them alone?). Weird things about my childhood past involving kidnapping and homeless shelters (that isn't at all accurate).

It was messed up. I wanted to respond with anger and with a proverbial roundhouse to the face. But I didn't - I responded with acceptance and love (shouldn't have) with a short message about I'm sorry she feels that way and is hurting, but one day she will come to understand that there are two sides to every coin, should she ever feel to ask me about what happened, she knows how to contact me if she needs me, etc. I then removed her from my FB, as you do, and went on with life. 

An hour later I get an email from my mother (a good 6 pages long, my god). The martyrdom is incredible with that one. Dripping with 'I'm sorry I am not the mother you wanted' and on and on and on. The whole thing is telling the story of the 'crime of my birth' - she was young, she was forced into a marriage she didn't want, her mother died.. yes. It was sad. She goes on to say that she never realized that after having fought so long and hard to get me back that I would forever be poisoned against her and would irrevocably hate her forever, on and on and on. Everyone is awful but her.

She just DOES NOT grasp that NOTHING about this is about my birth or childhood. Nothing except maybe her own rationale for the hatred she treats me with. It is all 100% completely about how cruel she is to me now, as an adult. 

All I ever hear from my mother is about how I am stupid, wrong, too sensitive, uneducated, poor, poorly traveled. My house is too small and not in the expensive area of London. I don't have a proper guestroom. My food is disgusting, my cooking is tolerable. My kids shouldn't go to bollywood dance, they should do ballet. I don't make enough money. If I moved back to Canada I would be on welfare because I'm useless and have no skills (I built and run a multi-million pound company in the UK, just finished my masters, start my doctorate program in the fall and speak Chinese. But I'm dumb and useless). I left 'home' at 17 years old and have not once ever asked her for money or help, though she did pay for part of our wedding and turned it into her own family reunion. Every single opinion I have on anything is wrong, my memories are wrong. My feelings are wrong. In short, I have a mother that not only doesn't love me, I don't think she even LIKES me. 

I stopped talking to her because I don't want to hear or deal with any more of her cruelty. Her 'I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking, but you make me out to be the bad guy' constant barrage of cruelty and hurt. The last time we saw her she was throwing an actual tantrum (crying, screaming, slamming doors, silent treatment) because she wasn't getting the kids when (not if) we die. Then sat me down at my own kitchen table for two hours to tell me all about how every single person in the family is better than me in ever way. Except maybe the homeless stripper. But she's nicer than me and more trustworthy. I'm incredibly selfish.

So in her 'letter of despair' she says NOTHING about how she treats me. That is not even on her radar. At all. No concept that any of this has been caused by her actions. 

Head-desk. 

I'm leaning toward not responding at all - just rejoicing in that I'm out of their black-hole of crazy and hatred. On the other hand, I really want to respond and just point out to her that this has nothing to do with our past, but how she treats me. 

That I didn't even want love from her. All I ever wanted from her, or all she has to give me to have the relationship she wants with myself and my children - is just kindness and respect. 

That's it. But she'll never see it. I will still always, always, be wrong.
image

Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!

Re: Holy CRAP they are NOT making this easy!

  • edited April 2014
    Is there any way at all you can just cut these people out of your life for good?

    This isn't good for you. You don't need rancor and you don't need somebody's bullshit. 

    Cut them out of your life; block them on FB, change your  phone numbers, anything that even shows up by mail from them: into the nearest mailbox with "return to sender address unknown" written on the envelope.

    You need them like you need a broken arm.

    For your own good and your own sake: cut these pigs out of your life. I see no reason why you"need" them in your life.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I totally understand why you want to respond. But you said it - you know it won't change anything. And it will only add fuel to HER fire. It's hard, but don't respond. Just don't do it.

    Good luck. What a horrible situation.
    Sillygirl45
  • Coming back - and yes, please get therapy.  I really think it could help.  Your mom doesn't sound healthy and as rational as you may be about it, to be treated w/ such disdain from your own mother - it IS going to affect you. 


    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

    Sillygirl45
  • Why'd you even bother to read the email? I'd just delete it and save the frustration.
  • Man Tofu, that is terrible.  My heart goes out to you.  It is hard for me to imagine having a mother like that or treating my children the way she treats you. I am amazed by how strong and accomplished you are.  To think of all that you have gone through and how you triumphed over it. My goodness you are one tough lady.  

    I can't tell if you are in therapy for your mother issues or not, but I would continue or start.  I have been to counseling before.  It was due to the death of our first child.  I thought I was doing alright, but then I realized I wasn't and I needed to talk to a professional.  Looking back, that was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.  My church paid for our therapy sessions and it was the greatest gift they could have given us.  It was greater than food or planting a tree in her honor and exactly what we needed to move on.  

    I think with people like your mother, that no response is the best response.  As tempting it is to put them in their place, no repsonse would speak more to them.  
    Sillygirl45
  • Dang girl! That sucks. Sorry your Mother is such a horrible person to you . Really, I get why you would want to respond, I would want to as well. But as you said, it would only bring fuel to the fire and would probably be better off not. Sometimes it can help just getting it off your chest then never looking at any text/message/letter from them again. I've never been to therapy before, but it could help. Just being able to talk with someone about this whole ordeal could feel good... I can't believe how a mom could act this way towards their own child. I just really cannot... :(

       Image and video hosting by TinyPicimage image

    Sillygirl45
  • Thanks guys - it helps just to get it off my chest.

    I think in a way I'm glad this happened. I was starting to question myself, were they really that bad? Were they really that toxic? Maybe I was missing out on something by cutting them off... maybe my girls were...

    And then this happened. And I have written evidence of their particular brand of offensive crazy. So next time I start to feel doubt again I can read back and be all 'oh yeah, THAT'S why.' I just keep telling myself that there are so many people out there in the world with much, much worse parents than mine. This is very minor in the grand scheme of things, really.

    I was just surprised at the amount of anger and hatred toward me for NOT being in contact with them.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • Oh, I am so sorry! This is such a heartbreaking no-win situation for you. 

    I think I agree with pp's not to respond. I know you were cutting her out of your life, but I think at this point you may want to consider ditching anyone who treats you like this once and for all (sister included). I'm talking blocking emails/phone numbers cutting them out. MAYBE and it's a big maybe, sister will grow up eventually and see how wrong she is. But, I wouldn't hold my breath.

    I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. Between your health,  raising your kids, and working you just don't need this. Your family should not be adding stress. They should be making your life better and appreciating the amazing accomplishments you have made. Families like this just really piss me off. 

    I'm sure therapy will help you with this. Good luck! Keep us posted.


    cloudymeatballs
  • I was starting to question myself, were they really that bad? Were they really that toxic?
    Yup.  Totally get this!  Not in regards to my parents, but w/ other toxic people i've had in my life! 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

    cloudymeatballs
  • You know what, a year ago you would have been looking for ways to get her back in your life.  Today you are recognizing her crazy and, while sad about it are not stepping into the drama.

    Be proud of yourself and your growth.  Be strong for yourself and your girls.  And block their asses from here on end.  

    YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THEM. 
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    Sillygirl45ReturnOfKuusErikan73
  • Thank you very, very much for the support. It is appreciated more than you will know.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • Probably best to get your sister off of your Facebook.
    image
    jessiray
  • Probably best to get your sister off of your Facebook.
    I did. One of the best decisions I could have made. It sounds so stupid, to be so worried about something like Facebook for God's sake. But the thing is I don't want them using it as an avenue to 'watch' me and use anything I post or comment as some sort of twisted ammunition.

    The whole thing is just totally weird. It's starting to look pretty funny, actually. They're furious with me for..... silence? For being consistently nice? For leaving them be?

    O_o

    Awesome. And actually kind of funny.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • Eh...you are an entire ocean away.  Your life is not in England.  Your family (the one you made) is strong and supportive to you, your DH and the girls.  

    To be honest, it is more about how THEY are being perceived.  When your Mother's BFF asks her how the granddaughters are, your mother can only bean dip or lie for so long before she will get caught having no relationship.  

    For some, they use it to make themselves look better, for others they know that no matter what (especially when their children are successes - thus her continual need to talk down your successes), the rest of the world will see it as something she did.  And she cannot have that. 

    Live your life.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    Tofumonkey
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