Update to finally cutting out my mother.
Holy hell. I hadn't heard from them since November, shortly after they stayed with us for a couple of days (from hell). January 1st I sent her a brief text message with important news, which she responded making it all about her. No more contact since then. Saturday night she sends me a short, innocent text message inquiring about my treatment.
I didn't respond immediately - that text to me was like a coiled snake. It was loaded somehow, I just didn't yet know how.
Not even a full day passes and I get a horrible FB message from my 21 year old sister (that still lives at home) swearing at me, I'm a 'cancer on their family', our mother cries all day and lays in bed, I've destroyed them, I've 'forced her hand' and she must tell me how she really feels, blah blah blah. It was one of the most venomous messages I've ever read. I need therapy, and for more than my 'medical drama' (I've got a rare autoimmune disease and have just finished 13 months of chemotherapy, etc.), that I 'hold my children over them' and 'continue to hurt their family' (by leaving them alone?). Weird things about my childhood past involving kidnapping and homeless shelters (that isn't at all accurate).
It was messed up. I wanted to respond with anger and with a proverbial roundhouse to the face. But I didn't - I responded with acceptance and love (shouldn't have) with a short message about I'm sorry she feels that way and is hurting, but one day she will come to understand that there are two sides to every coin, should she ever feel to ask me about what happened, she knows how to contact me if she needs me, etc. I then removed her from my FB, as you do, and went on with life.
An hour later I get an email from my mother (a good 6 pages long, my god). The martyrdom is incredible with that one. Dripping with 'I'm sorry I am not the mother you wanted' and on and on and on. The whole thing is telling the story of the 'crime of my birth' - she was young, she was forced into a marriage she didn't want, her mother died.. yes. It was sad. She goes on to say that she never realized that after having fought so long and hard to get me back that I would forever be poisoned against her and would irrevocably hate her forever, on and on and on. Everyone is awful but her.
She just DOES NOT grasp that NOTHING about this is about my birth or childhood. Nothing except maybe her own rationale for the hatred she treats me with. It is all 100% completely about how cruel she is to me now, as an adult.
All I ever hear from my mother is about how I am stupid, wrong, too sensitive, uneducated, poor, poorly traveled. My house is too small and not in the expensive area of London. I don't have a proper guestroom. My food is disgusting, my cooking is tolerable. My kids shouldn't go to bollywood dance, they should do ballet. I don't make enough money. If I moved back to Canada I would be on welfare because I'm useless and have no skills (I built and run a multi-million pound company in the UK, just finished my masters, start my doctorate program in the fall and speak Chinese. But I'm dumb and useless). I left 'home' at 17 years old and have not once ever asked her for money or help, though she did pay for part of our wedding and turned it into her own family reunion. Every single opinion I have on anything is wrong, my memories are wrong. My feelings are wrong. In short, I have a mother that not only doesn't love me, I don't think she even LIKES me.
I stopped talking to her because I don't want to hear or deal with any more of her cruelty. Her 'I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking, but you make me out to be the bad guy' constant barrage of cruelty and hurt. The last time we saw her she was throwing an actual tantrum (crying, screaming, slamming doors, silent treatment) because she wasn't getting the kids when (not if) we die. Then sat me down at my own kitchen table for two hours to tell me all about how every single person in the family is better than me in ever way. Except maybe the homeless stripper. But she's nicer than me and more trustworthy. I'm incredibly selfish.
So in her 'letter of despair' she says NOTHING about how she treats me. That is not even on her radar. At all. No concept that any of this has been caused by her actions.
I'm leaning toward not responding at all - just rejoicing in that I'm out of their black-hole of crazy and hatred. On the other hand, I really want to respond and just point out to her that this has nothing to do with our past, but how she treats me.
That I didn't even want love from her. All I ever wanted from her, or all she has to give me to have the relationship she wants with myself and my children - is just kindness and respect.
That's it. But she'll never see it. I will still always, always, be wrong.