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Afraid for my sister and nephews

My sister and her husband have been together for 18 years, married for 14.  They have two sons, 3 and 5 years old.  A year and a half ago, my sister had an affair.  It lasted a few months and she has acknowledged the damage she's done and sought reconciliation with her husband.  They went to couples counseling for almost a year to work things through.  Of course, the affair was not the beginning of problems between them. 

My brother-in-law has undiagnosed mental illness, I'm certain.  As a therapist, I observe anxiety and depression and his emotional control is nonexistant.  Over the last year and a half, his mood has been all over the place- one minute apologetic and tearful about driving my sister into another man's arms and the next, raging at her about how horrible she is.  My husband and I married in October and, as a distraction, he decided my husband paid too much attention to his children (while he as a father pretty much ignored them when we were at family gatherings) and that meant my husband is a pedophile.  My husband handled this with amazing patience and was more concerned about how it affected me, letting it roll off his back because it's simply delusional. 

My sister called me this morning and disclosed that her husband is raging at home- throwing things, breaking things, and (she says for the first time) he pushed her.  The children were home, though I don't know where in the house they were.  I know she needs to get out, or get him to get out.  This is getting worse and now, he's crossed the line from verbal and emotional abuse to phsyical abuse.  I'm afraid it won't stop and someone will get hurt.  Of course, she's asked me not to tell anyone, but I can't carry this burden alone.  I shared the information with one of my brothers, but we feel powerless to do anything. 

I guess I'm sharing this for support and any ideas about what to do. other than share information with my sister about domestic violence and restraining orders.  Thank you for reading this.

 

 

Re: Afraid for my sister and nephews

  • My sister and her husband have been together for 18 years, married for 14.  They have two sons, 3 and 5 years old.  A year and a half ago, my sister had an affair.  It lasted a few months and she has acknowledged the damage she's done and sought reconciliation with her husband.  They went to couples counseling for almost a year to work things through.  Of course, the affair was not the beginning of problems between them. 

    My brother-in-law has undiagnosed mental illness, I'm certain.  As a therapist, I observe anxiety and depression and his emotional control is nonexistant.  Over the last year and a half, his mood has been all over the place- one minute apologetic and tearful about driving my sister into another man's arms and the next, raging at her about how horrible she is.

    For this alone your sister needs to take the kids and get out of there pronto.

    She could go to a woman's shelter or move in with you, if you're close enough and receptive to having her and the kiddoes stay there.

    My husband and I married in October and, as a distraction, he decided my husband paid too much attention to his children (while he as a father pretty much ignored them when we were at family gatherings) and that meant my husband is a pedophile.  My husband handled this with amazing patience and was more concerned about how it affected me, letting it roll off his back because it's simply delusional. 

    The BIL is also a garden variety nutter. Sorry for your troubles.

    My sister called me this morning and disclosed that her husband is raging at home- throwing things, breaking things, and (she says for the first time) he pushed her.  The children were home, though I don't know where in the house they were.  I know she needs to get out, or get him to get out. 

    It would be easier if she got her finances together filed and then took the kids and left --- preferably when her H is not home and nowhere around at the time.

    For her safety and sanity and for that of the kids, she has to go asap.

    This is getting worse and now, he's crossed the line from verbal and emotional abuse to phsyical abuse.  I'm afraid it won't stop and someone will get hurt.  Of course, she's asked me not to tell anyone, but I can't carry this burden alone.  I shared the information with one of my brothers, but we feel powerless to do anything. 

    The only one who has the power to do anything is your sis. She's got to be the one to decide enough is enough and leave.

    I hope she is documenting all of this.

    I guess I'm sharing this for support and any ideas about what to do. other than share information with my sister about domestic violence and restraining orders.  Thank you for reading this.

    It would be better if she just took off with the kids and left. I am wondering what he'd do once he found out he's got an RO against him --- he could really become unhinged and really take it out on her and possibly the kids.

    I don't know what it would take for your sister to reach "rock bottom" and realize she has to leave and leave with the kids.

    Maybe she thinks he'll stop maybe she is afraid to take off because there will be nobody to support them. Only she can tell you why she hasn't left him already.

    Wishing you luck; let us know what happens.


  • Thanks for your reply.  I absolutely agree with you- she needs to get out, and she needs to be documenting everything.  I told her yesterday if she wants to see a lawyer, I'll go with her for support.  

    She told me last night her husband has agreed to go somewhere else next week (a friend's house) for them both to have a little space and so he can see what it's like being away from them.  I don't know if he'll actually go when it comes down to it and even if he does, I expect him to be texting and calling nonstop, as he usually does.  

    The other part of this:  she is a highly skilled professional and he doesn't work.  He doesn't have to, with the salary she makes, so he stays home with the kids all day.  Except they have a nanny so he doesn't have to watch them.  So, she's the sole financial provider, yet he jeopardizes her job regularly by harassing her all day long at work to the extent that she has emotional breakdowns.  She's even blocked him from texting her during work hours on occasion.  
    This is a crazy situation, and I know she needs to get out.  She won't go to a shelter and she could come here, but if my brother-in-law found out she was here, I don't know what he'd do.  She'd be safer going to my parents' house, but she's too ashamed, which she needs to get over.  The final thing I told her yesterday was that she isn't a failure.  

    Thanks for listening. 

  • She told me last night her husband has agreed to go somewhere else next week (a friend's house) for them both to have a little space and so he can see what it's like being away from them.  I don't know if he'll actually go when it comes down to it and even if he does, I expect him to be texting and calling nonstop, as he usually does. 

    No. He needs to leave FOR GOOD.

    There is nothing here for her, nothing at all.

    And this is a bum! Why oh why is she with this guy -- any guy who lives off his wife is NOT a man; he's not even a bona fide househusband!!!

    The other part of this:  she is a highly skilled professional and he doesn't work.  He doesn't have to, with the salary she makes, so he stays home with the kids all day.  Except they have a nanny so he doesn't have to watch them.  So, she's the sole financial provider, yet he jeopardizes her job regularly by harassing her all day long at work to the extent that she has emotional breakdowns.  She's even blocked him from texting her during work hours on occasion
    .  
    If I were her boss, I'd be livid. And if I were her boss, I'd make certain sure that the phone calls from him do not get through to her.

    There is NO NEED for her to check on texts all day long; if there is an emergency, like a kid being ill at school and she needs to pick up the child, let the school call the company and ask for her! I remember how that used to be "back in the day". The system worked then; why not now???

    This is a crazy situation, and I know she needs to get out.  She won't go to a shelter and she could come here, but if my brother-in-law found out she was here, I don't know what he'd do.  She'd be safer going to my parents' house, but she's too ashamed, which she needs to get over.  The final thing I told her yesterday was that she isn't a failure. 

    Then she is hopelessly in denial: she does not want to leave him.

     
    Until she comes to her senses and like I said, hits rock bottom, she will be staying with this bum.

    It's imperative your BIL need not know where she is; she needs to leave and forward no new address. Let her attorney contact him; I am most certain he will NOT disclose her whereabouts. Anything that has to do with the divorce your BIL is to speak to his attorney who will contact your sister's attorney.


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