Family Matters
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How do you handle this?

HiThere674HiThere674 member
First Anniversary First Comment
edited March 2014 in Family Matters
My husband and I are moving really far away. With all of the drama of moving and some things with my husband's work we are not even considering having any family member visit us and therefore not asking anyone over. Without going into too much of an issue here, my husband and I will not even be moved into a house but will be staying in a hotel from a month to who knows how long and our things will arrive who knows when (it's a long story) however this has not stopped family relatives (primarily my side) from trying to invite themselves over. I have already explained that this is not an option and with things being too hectic, its not a good idea which leads to "Well, after everything calms down (who knows when that is) when can we come over?" This means getting plane tickets and everything.

 I hate having to appease everyone but the family members who have constantly asked aren't getting the hint that once we do settle down the new home is not going to be opened like a hotel. I want to have time to explore my surroundings and because I work at home, get myself better situated as well as my husband getting to know his new workplace. Also, these family members have not taken "No" seriously and had already visited us a couple of months ago and even though I love my relatives, I just want to have time with just my husband and I after such a move. How do you be polite but assertive in saying a simple "No,its not good for us."?

Re: How do you handle this?

  • Sorry guys, I don't think that will be a good time. We'd love to have you over once we are settled in, we'll let you know in a couple of months!

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    On one hand - you're 100% in the right to say "that doesn't work for us".  And really- that's what I'd stick to.  Don't give a list of excuses because that only gives them room to poke holes. 

    However, what else is going on here?  After your initial move - yes, I can understand needing time.  Especially if your going to be living in a hotel!  But once you're in a home... why so resistant to people coming? I personally find this "we need time for just us" a bit odd - especially as you're not talking about next week.  You're talking about at least a month to "who knows how long".  If it takes 6 months to get into a house - are you STILL going to then insist "no one can visit because we need MORE time "just for us""?? 

    What is it about these people that you don't want them to visit?

    Are they your family or your DHs?  Where does he stand on this? 

    As far as your house being a hotel - you can very much limit how long people stay.  they want to come for a week?  Say "we'd love for you to visit, but we won't be able to host you for a week".

    Or "we just had visitors last month.  We'd love for you to visit, but we really only have time for a long weekend.". 

    OR if it's REALLY that big of an issue, set the precedent right at the start of "We'd love to see you.  Unfortunately we won't be able to have you stay in our home.  I have a list of local hotels.". 
  • I completely agree with VOR. I couldn't imaging moving "really far away" and not wanting family to come visit us at some point. I can understand wanting to have some time to get settled, but I live 1500 miles away from where I grew up and much of my friends and family are still back home and I am always encouraging them to come stay with us. In fact one of my gf's is coming down this week, my sister is coming next week, my SIL in May, 2 other sets of friends also in get the idea... And I couldn't be happier! On the flip side, if I moved very far away from my MIL and FIL I would prefer they not visit, but would still open my house to them seeing as though it is my H's family. (Well, except if my MIL's creepy BF came, then they would need to stay in a hotel but that is a whole separate story...) there must be more to your story - why don't you want to see your loved ones?
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  • I don't understand. You NEVER want visitors? Why?

    Maybe family is pushing because you won't even give them any idea of when they could come to see you. Even if you said things are really up in the air and you're hoping to be able to have guests in a year, that would be better than never. 

    I guess I need more info. Why don't you want them to visit? Do you mean never? 
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm going to also add- be careful what you wish for.

    You push back enough, you're wishy-washy enough, you say "no" enough.... it  may turn into where your family decides "to hell with it" and figures you don't EVER want them to come so... they don't come.  Ever.

    And then 2, 5, 10 years from now, you'll be complaining that no one ever makes the effort to come see you. 

    Until you tell us different, I'm going to assume your family is excited for you.  And a part of their desire to visit is to see your new city, to get a sense of what your life will be like, to still feel connected to you.  Even if you welcomed them w/ open arms- I will tell you that the excitement on their end will wear off in time. 

    Years ago, DH and I moved to a new city.  The first year, we had visitors every month.  Our friends and family thought it was cool and they wanted to come see us.  We embraced it and LOVED having them come.  But after the first year?  The excitement wore off.  They still visited us, but not NEARLY as much. 

    I can only imagine if DH and I had been like "NO!  no visitors!!!!  We need OUR time.  We'll let you know when you can come.  It might not be for a LONG time!".  It would have impacted their excitement and I'd bet you a million bucks that by the time we said "come visit!!", they would have been "eh, we'll see" about it.

    So again... be careful what you wish for.

  • HiThere674HiThere674 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2014
    It's not that I don't want anyone to ever visit but more like I wish they would let me decide when it is best for us to have people visit. I have no idea when we are to have a house or even our things and explained that I am not making any dates for people to come because I have no idea what is going on. However, instead of backing off a little, some relatives got even more pushy and tried to pin me down for a date when I have no idea myself what is going on. The move is really far and while I understand they have to know so they can get their plane tickets, I want to make sure that I have at least a house furnished for them to arrive to.

    As for the time after being settled it...I admit I was being silly. It was late when I wrote the entry and was feeling some resentment. I want to be settled in, not just with the move but with my work until people come and some of the statements here are right.

    There is some truth though that there are certain family members who I have bad feelings towards towards because I feel like they only call me when they need something like money but won't call just to say hi. After having them in my house for a couple of days, they were really rude and then complained the entire time because I couldn't put work on hold while they were there.To be fair, it was a busy time for me job-wise and I did try to make time but it was hard to balance everything. I also felt criticized for how I cooked and cleaned. It is these relatives I would rather not see any time soon.
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2014
    I wouldn't want obnoxious relatives like that staying with me either.  

    Just out of curiosity, how are they related to you?  Are you moving into a touristy area ?  

    :: shrugs::  Ehh, I personally wouldn't feel bad telling certain people " No "  if you feel like they are only using your home as a free hotel and taking advantage of you.  
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Thanks for replying. 

    Your first paragraph makes more sense.  And I still say "don't over explain".  They ask to come visit, just say "We'll let you know when it's a good time once we get settled".  They push?  "We'll let you know when it's a good time once we get settled".  They get upset and talk about plane tickets?  "We'll let you know when it's a good time once we get settled".

    Over and over and over.  Seriously- just saying the same thing over and over WILL drive home the point. And if they say "why do yo ukeep  saying that?".  You just say "because there is nothing else to say.  We'll let you know....". 

    As for the rude guests - truly, you can either limit their stay, OR you actually don't have to let them stay in your home with you.  You REALLY don't.  I know it's the norm in many families and it's nice to extend that offer when they have to pay to fly there.  BUT you still don't HAVE to do it.  And if they have a problem with it?  Well then, they don't have to come....

    yes, I yelled.  I loath this belief that just because you are family, you get to use someone else's house as a hotel.  I live in a vacation spot and I have had at least 5 different family members - all with their own nuclear family - try to come and "visit" me.  

    That means that I host 5 families over the course of a year, which is really over the course of the spring and summer.  That is at least 5 weekends I lose to playing cruise director.  And it is NEVER cheap. 

    Now, if people want to come visit my area and me on their own dime and in their own hotel, following their own vacation schedule, I will happily spend as much time as I can (and even juggle my schedule as much as possible) with them.  But not at the EXPENSE OF my family and home. 

  • You could try explaining that their constant asking is making your feel overwhelmed.
  • I completely get what you're saying, and I was the same when my DH and I moved across the country last year. It's stressful, we had a one-year-old at the time, we were living in an apartment and house hunting, and we didn't know the city at all. Full disclaimer, I also don't like my inlaws, and they don't believe in hotels, so there was no way I wanted them coming out. And you might actually need some time to settle in. Moving far away is no picnic. In the end, we refused all requests by just telling people we needed to settle in. DH's selfish brother chose to just come anyway, but I refused to have him stay with us (we had no bedroom for him, and I was still getting up at night to feed our son and didn't want him on our couch). So he had to find a hotel. I know it might sound heartless to some, but you have to do what's best for you. We're also in my vacation spot, so people do try to use us for a cheap trip. I just had to turn down DH's brother again, he wanted to stay with us even though I just had a baby. Just put your foot down. If you can, plan a visit back to your hometown when you're ready. We visited our home town about six months after we moved, and it spared us a lot of visits we didn't want to accept. Then you can stay in a hotel, visit people and leave when you want to, then get outta town! :) good luck with your move!
  • @leftie22, good for your for putting your foot down.  That took a lot of courage to tell your BIL he needed to find a hotel.  
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Tell them "in the beginning we'll be living in a hotel, so you're welcome to come out to XXX state, but you'll have to get your own hotel room.  We can suggest some that are close to our extended stay suite if you'd like.  We'll let you know when our situation changes and we have a house."

    If you have relatives who are ingrates - you can always draw the line and say "immediate family only stays with us - - you'll have to get a hotel room."  You need to have the b*lls to stand up for yourself and say "no."  Maybe think with your husband about what is a "Yes" with you (long weekend visits, visits where you don't cook or entertain, immediate family and bff's only), and what the "no's" are (distant relatives, rude relatives, more than 3 people in your home at once, more than 1 set of visitors every two months."  Having a list will help you make boundries, and once you have healthy boundries and say "no," saying yes will be more enjoyable.

    PS: I will also add - my sister moved to a major European city a few years back.  Of course I went to visit her.  I stayed in her house (for free), but I would be really resentful if I found out she complained that we only visited her because she was at a major city and we wanted a "free/cheap vacation."  Trust me, I would have rather NOT have paid thousands of dollars in airfare to see her and my nieces and nephew, who we love and missed!  Would I have loved to visit this city SOMEDAY - sure!  But given that my kids were age 5 and 7, they were too young to appreciate some of the best things about it (museums, etc.).  I'm not complaining, we had an AWESOME, AMAZING  time, my sister was a great host (mostly said "consider this place a hotel - we're all too busy with school to sightsee with you, but come and go as you please!), but I would be sad if she felt "taken advantage of" because I did not see my visit that way at all!   

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Yea I would go with something like "Sure, your welcome to come to visit (where you live) anytime you want.  I'll try to get you a list of hotels close to us since we don't a house for ourselves, let alone visitors, yet.  Also, make sure to let us know what dates you chose so DH & I can try to plan some time with you all while your here around our work schedules". 


    I don't know your relationship with these people, but there are worse things in life than people wanting to visit you.  & willing to spend hundreds of dollars on plane tickets to do it.  After a stressful move far far away you may welcome a hug from home.  Just saying

  • HiThere674HiThere674 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2014
    I would love to see certain relatives however finances are kind of limited for them to pay for plane tickets  but it is the family members who I already had hosted at my house that are kind of overwhelming me with constant offers to come to my house and after that time I did feel resentful. But I do need to speak up and just tell them that the best thing is to let us get settled in and then we will make the invitations and leave it at that.
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