Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

NEW! Real bad family situation Im involved in. Please some help and advice would be appreciated!

Hi all, I am new to this board and was looking for some help. I want some advice on how to confront my dad, brother and sister. They have made false accusations against me, and no proof was ever provided, and finally my dad said he didn’t have any proof. So here is the story below. I’m sorry it is a little long.
My father and I had a huge fight in May of 2013 and him, my younger brother and sister all were against me accusing me of stealing jewelry (all gold) , 150,000.00 in cash, and robbing our family business blind too. So according to them about half a million dollars. . I was completely taken back by all this. I asked my dad who would say this, and he said my brother and sister discovered this information. So naturally, I asked for proof. Well my dad was just not having it. He hit me a few times; my brother and sister were cussing me out, so I left.

 I called my grandpa, he booked me a ticket and I left to Texas to be with him. I left in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. My face was bruised from the punches, and I asked my dad repeatedly what proof do you have, and he would just get madder, and say he didn’t have to prove anything to me, that my bro and sis would not lie about something this serious, and that I needed to just say the truth. Well I refused. I told him I would not admit to something I did not do. I cut contact off with him for 6 months up until recently. He ended up coming up with a dozen more accusations against me. “You were stealing clothes too, your boyfriend stole money from my shop too, and you are living a good life off my hard earned money, and even proceeded to tell the rest of the family that I cleaned his bank account out. The whole thing just makes me sick. So 3 days ago, I snapped. We argued back and forth for 2 days via text message. And I finally got my answers. He says the reason I was being blamed was because I am the oldest, and I was responsible for everything. Then he said that I "cover up my tracks" and "hide my traces" really well but when the snow melts all the shit will show. In other words he has no proof, but insists and knows in his “heart” it was me. Now, lots of people in my family are telling me that my dad is pissed with me.

 All my brothers and sisters listen carefully to him for fear they will be cut out of the will, or disowned. ( Strict Muslim family). When I left my home, and was actually on my own with my grandpa in Texas, I ended up doing really well. I finally got to finish my degree, I have a very good job that pays really well, and have made new friends out here. I got my real estate license and now sell real estate also. So in other words, I don’t want to go back to Michigan. So my family members are telling me that Dad is upset with me because I left him, and "took control of my life without his permission and blessings" and he’s upset. So this is his way of getting me back home so I can "face my dad, brother, and sister" and clear my conscious.
All of you thank you for reading; this whole drama has taken a huge toll on my life. I wake up so depressed and sometimes don’t feel like getting out of bed. I just want to confront them and be done with it but I don’t know exactly what to say. It’s not common for me to argue with my father, and I have never stood up to him. So any help would be appreciated.

Re: NEW! Real bad family situation Im involved in. Please some help and advice would be appreciated!

  • I would immediately talk to a professional counselor that specializes in these kind of family issues.  Set up an appointment today. 

    I have gone to counseling before I believe it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.

    I wouldn't bother with confronting them.  It won't do any good.  You know you didn't steal anything and that is all that matters. 

  • What PP said.

    I haven't spoken to my father in over a year because of hurtful things he said to me at my sister's wedding. Its not the same situation but I do know that you don't have to confront them or "face them" in any way.

    I would seek a professional counselor just to have someone to talk to who understands these things. Often just talking to someone who is objective about everything can help you get a better grasp on your feelings and what is best for you right now.
  • I understand. I just wish the evil text messages would stop. Every morning, every night I get threatening, demeaning, messages with new accusations in every message. I want to change my number but I worried that it will make things worse with him, and he will actually act on his threats. Im so confused. I have told him over and over provide proof to me. He wont. So then why does he keep accusing me without proof! OMG...
  • Um, why haven't you gone to the police about this? You have been assaulted and accused of stealing half a million dollars worth of goods and cash - surely if your family believed this was missing they would have reported it?
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
    ReturnOfKuus
  • See a counselor, change your number (or AT LEAST stop replying to his texts!!!), and seriously realize that he isn't rationale and it would probably be best to just cut him out of your life.
  • Has your dad threatened to kill you? Are you a woman? I know that in some strict Muslim families, these types of actions (or perceived actions) are punishable by death, which is carried out by a male in the family. I have heard of this happening in Western countries too.

    If you are in danger, please seek to hide yourself from them and contact the authorities. Also, please save any and all written and verbal communications and save them in a place where your family cannot access them.

    catmiss9TLK08ReturnOfKuusJ&B0602
  • Tofumonkey: Thats what I said?! I told him if someone had stole that much from me, I would have started an investigation immediately. He doesn't answer when I tell him that. Always comes up with a new accusation when I ask him for proof about the last accusation he just accused me of. Literally, everyday he has come up with a new accusation against me.

    For instance, My sister told family members she cannot go to the bank without being finger-printed because I withdrew all the cash from her checking account, and now they have to finger print her to make sure its her!

    Like OMG I told them how can I walk into a bank, and empty somebody else s account. I don'thave any authorization on the account. Their answer? I convinced the bank to let me pull out the money. Because Im good at doing that...



  • Dear God, stop focusing on this proof nonsense.  They don't have it and never will.

    Your father threated to kill you.  Go to the police now with all the evidence of his threats.  Go now.

     

    TLK08daisy662
  • Zshamoun said:
    Tofumonkey: Thats what I said?! I told him if someone had stole that much from me, I would have started an investigation immediately. He doesn't answer when I tell him that. Always comes up with a new accusation when I ask him for proof about the last accusation he just accused me of. Literally, everyday he has come up with a new accusation against me.

    For instance, My sister told family members she cannot go to the bank without being finger-printed because I withdrew all the cash from her checking account, and now they have to finger print her to make sure its her!

    Like OMG I told them how can I walk into a bank, and empty somebody else s account. I don'thave any authorization on the account. Their answer? I convinced the bank to let me pull out the money. Because Im good at doing that...



    Okay, I used to work in a bank. The only reason we finger printed a person is if they wanted to cash a check drawn on our bank and they personally did not hold an account with us. Those were the finger printing reasons...it's a way of tracking potential check kiters. A bank does not finger print because they are suspicious of its actual account-holding customers. If a bank were thinking a customer guilty of fraud, they would investigate and shut down accounts.


     

  • Listen carefully.

    Step 1:  Tell your father you are cutting off contact and if he continues to threaten and harass you, you WILL get a restraining order

    Step 1.5:  Tell everyone you DO communicate with that you are cutting off contact with your father and ask that they respect this and do not communicate with him about you.

    Step 2:  Change your phone number

    Step 3:  If your father continues to harass and threaten you, immediately go to the courthouse and ask for an order of protection.  If he violates the OOP, have his ass arrested.

    Step 4:  Stop fixating on this proof nonsense.  If he had any proof, you would be dead and/or in jail right now.

    Step 5:  Get thee to a counselor.  Immediately, if not sooner.
    PrincessVeganTofumonkeyBelthilTLK08
  • I agree that you should involve the police and get their advice on how to proceed. Your dad sounds scary and violent, and a confrontation with him is going to end up getting you hurt or killed. It sounds like he's setting you up for something. Please get help, and let the people who love and support you know that he's been threatening you. This is not something you should have to deal with on your own.
  • Has your dad threatened to kill you? Are you a woman? I know that in some strict Muslim families, these types of actions (or perceived actions) are punishable by death, which is carried out by a male in the family. I have heard of this happening in Western countries too.

    If you are in danger, please seek to hide yourself from them and contact the authorities. Also, please save any and all written and verbal communications and save them in a place where your family cannot access them.

    Seriously? You do get that not all Muslim families perform honour killings, right? Same as not all middle aged white men are serial killers and not every African woman has had their genital mutilated. 

    Some people, regardless of their religion or ethnicity, are just crazy assholes.

    Your alarmist reactions are just mind-boggling sometimes. Bloody hell.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
    Sillygirl45chiualover
  • Zshamoun you've done the right thing by backing away - how does your grandfather feel about this? Backing away, cutting off contact and living your own life (finishing your degree and starting your career, etc.) are the best things that you can do. Accept that you are not in the will and have been disowned - it hurts, I know (I've been disowned a few times too) but an inheritance is not something to live or even aim for. You will be fine just on your own.

    I would, however, contact the police about what has happened - what the accusations are and the assault. This way if it escalates you will already have something in process and it will be taken seriously. 

    Block his number and that of your siblings. You don't need the stress and the communication of back and forth "yes you did / no I didn't" is getting you nowhere.

    Think about it this way - your father and family have been so horrid to you that even if you did manage to convince them that you didn't steal from them (by going all Nancy Drew and even finding the real culprit) - would that repair the relationship? Can it even be repaired at this point?

    This sucks royally and I can't imagine how painful it must be to have your family think of and treat you this way, you poor thing! I do find, though, that the best way to handle an impossible conflict is to do it as professionally as possible - in that sense:

    Report to the police
    Respond "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then cease contact
    take measures to document every text, email, phone call, letter and threat
    protect yourself via a restraining order or order of protection
    live an independent life 
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
    loves2shop4shoes
  • Has your dad threatened to kill you? Are you a woman? I know that in some strict Muslim families, these types of actions (or perceived actions) are punishable by death, which is carried out by a male in the family. I have heard of this happening in Western countries too.

    Yeah that's not that situation here at all! My dad is acting crazy and out of line, and he can be very intimidating but he has never threatened to actually kill me! Not all Muslim families are like that, majority are not. IMHO. 


    And at this point, I don't think our relationship could be salvaged. I'm not "daddy's girl" anymore. I just want us to be civil. Just with him at least. We were never like this. We always got along. Only when I started to want to do thing on my own, and be  more independent, and move out, and just live my life, is when he changed. And he admits that. Im just having such a hard time accepting all of this. And I find myself constantly trying to give him a chance to change his mind, to put the past behind us and move on to the future. One day he says life is short Sara, lets move on. I say okay and we are civil for 2 days, then the next day, back to the same sh*t.

    Its a cycle I keep falling into. I swear it hard. =(

  • You should've called the police on your father. Hitting ANYONE is a crime. 

    In terms of their accusations, they are VERY serious. Calling the police would've been your first step in protecting yourself. 

    - not legal advice, I am not a lawyer.
  • You need to stop contact with him immediately and change your number. Simply by responding even if it's to say 'leave me alone' is telling your father he still holds power over you. Then you need to get a restraining order. Then you need to get yourself into counseling.

    Please stop fixating on getting proof from him. If they had any they would've gotten a lawyer or the police involved a long time ago.

    Please don't let your father have any more power over you. He's abused you and your trust and you shouldn't trust him. Him being nice for 2 days is just so you'll let your guard down. That cycle isn't going to stop until you do something to break it.
  • I think you need to stop all contact, change your number, get a PO Box, whatever it takes. I get that you were in shock but I am a little surprised you did not report his attack to the police. He assaulted you and left bruises, that's illegal. You should also speak to a lawyer, if your father did pursue charges you would be able to handle it better if prepared. He could also contact that person not you.

    Please stop engaging your father. He physically assaulted you, that ended your relationship, him not you. There is no getting past it or moving forward. 
    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
    Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
  • Zshamoun said:

    Has your dad threatened to kill you? Are you a woman? I know that in some strict Muslim families, these types of actions (or perceived actions) are punishable by death, which is carried out by a male in the family. I have heard of this happening in Western countries too.

    Yeah that's not that situation here at all! My dad is acting crazy and out of line, and he can be very intimidating but he has never threatened to actually kill me! Not all Muslim families are like that, majority are not. IMHO. 


    And at this point, I don't think our relationship could be salvaged. I'm not "daddy's girl" anymore. I just want us to be civil. Just with him at least. We were never like this. We always got along. Only when I started to want to do thing on my own, and be  more independent, and move out, and just live my life, is when he changed. And he admits that. Im just having such a hard time accepting all of this. And I find myself constantly trying to give him a chance to change his mind, to put the past behind us and move on to the future. One day he says life is short Sara, lets move on. I say okay and we are civil for 2 days, then the next day, back to the same sh*t.

    Its a cycle I keep falling into. I swear it hard. =(


    Bolded. I know the majority are not. I am glad to know this isn't the case for you and your situation.

    Not sure why people assumed that I think all Muslims are like this...I didn't state "all" and I didn't infer "all" either. I actually said, "...in some strict Muslim families..."

    When I read that you had been a victim of violence and that your family is threatening you, I worried that your life could be in danger (as did/do other posters). I just worried that you could be a woman needing to know that people recognize that these actions do and are occurring in the world. If a woman is seeking help in a violent situation she often wants to know that she is not alone and is understood (faith and upbringing can be parts of being understood).

     

  • Has your dad threatened to kill you? Are you a woman? I know that in some strict Muslim families, these types of actions (or perceived actions) are punishable by death, which is carried out by a male in the family. I have heard of this happening in Western countries too.

    If you are in danger, please seek to hide yourself from them and contact the authorities. Also, please save any and all written and verbal communications and save them in a place where your family cannot access them.

    Seriously? You do get that not all Muslim families perform honour killings, right? Same as not all middle aged white men are serial killers and not every African woman has had their genital mutilated. 

    Some people, regardless of their religion or ethnicity, are just crazy assholes.

    Your alarmist reactions are just mind-boggling sometimes. Bloody hell.

    I addressed this with the OP, but I do need to address it here.

    What is "mind boggling," to use your word, is how you do not seem to read my posts in their entirety or if you do, you do not think on the text before responding to my posts. It's like you see a post from me and skim it to try and quickly toss out a response. "Gotta get back at ML for being a dork!"

    Please see my bolded text above. I wrote, "...in some strict Muslim families..."

    I feel that the two words "some" and "strict" pertain to a small portion of Muslim families. These words do not under any circumstances lean toward the use of the word "all." You accuse me of possibly thinking that "all Muslim families carry out honor killings." I did not say that. I did not infer that.

    I assure you that I am very well read on the world's major religions, as well as my own. And, I make it a good effort to avoid superlatives like "never, "all" and "always" unless I can, with 100% certainty, use those words safely and accurately.

    Also, I feel that my questions, which I am glad to find out are unfounded, were fair. The OP stated she has already been physically harmed and that she is threatened. Also, she stated that she comes from a Muslim family. Yes, you could possibly accuse me of jumping to conclusions...but let's just be honest here...we are on the Internet trying to give personal advice to people we don't know.

    Without face-to-face communication, without inflection, and without personally knowing the OP, why can't a poster ask the tough questions? What if I were accurate? It changes things, no?

  • When I read that you had been a victim of violence and that your family is threatening you, I worried that your life could be in danger (as did/do other posters). I just worried that you could be a woman needing to know that people recognize that these actions do and are occurring in the world. If a woman is seeking help in a violent situation she often wants to know that she is not alone and is understood (faith and upbringing can be parts of being understood).

     

    I understand what you mean. And appreciate the concern. I do feel really alone. And its taking a lot not to go back and confront them. No point in putting myself in a bad situation all over again. It just seems like I wont be able to overcome this. Like I'm going to wake up every morning like this, and sleep every night thinking about this..
  • Zshamoun said:
    When I read that you had been a victim of violence and that your family is threatening you, I worried that your life could be in danger (as did/do other posters). I just worried that you could be a woman needing to know that people recognize that these actions do and are occurring in the world. If a woman is seeking help in a violent situation she often wants to know that she is not alone and is understood (faith and upbringing can be parts of being understood).

     

    I understand what you mean. And appreciate the concern. I do feel really alone. And its taking a lot not to go back and confront them. No point in putting myself in a bad situation all over again. It just seems like I wont be able to overcome this. Like I'm going to wake up every morning like this, and sleep every night thinking about this..

    Well, you have been hurt and violated on many levels. Those emotions can make a person feel alone, like, "Does anyone identify with me? Or care?" Plus, the people who we hold in high esteem and love so much (our family) is the cause of the despair here. What you feel is normal and it is a justifiable anger and frustration. Allow yourself to grieve over this. Let it bubble up.

    The important point here, though, is to not allow it to stew in your heart and mind. Once you permit yourself the mourning period over it, you need to come to a place where you move on, otherwise, this will own your heart.

    You have a choice here. The power is in your hands to decide what to do with this. If you allow it to remain inside you, internalized, it will eat away at you over time.

    As PPs stated, you could probably consider visiting with a counselor. Since you are a woman of God, you may consider meeting with someone who also either shares your religion or is also believes in a divine monothestic being. Religion and faith are very defining points in peoples' lives and experiences; it behooves us to seek out counselors or mentors who "speak the same language" and can truly empathize with us on the faith/spiritual level.

    You will overcome it - if you want to. Up to this point, part of your personal definition has been your family. For the time being, at least, you need to rewrite that definition to exclude them. Exclude them, avoid contact, but forgive them.

    The key to forgiveness is that it releases the forgiver from hurt. It's the best way to push aside negative emotions and heal. Forgiveness is not accepting peoples' poor decisions or agreeing with them. It isn't allowing them in your life. But, it is a form of love that comes back 100-fold and helps the person doing it. But, they don't deserve to be forgiven!!! This is so true, but again, forgiveness isn't really about the wrong-doers, it's about the person who has been hurt and violated, healing and regaining a "say" in the matter.

    You can PM me if you want.

     


     

  • He hit you. You said that you had to sneak out of the house to get away from him with a bruised face.

     

    You know you did nothing, however your father is still accusing you. And it looks like there is no reasoning with him.

     

    My advice is get into counseling. That is the first thing.

     

    Second is leave all the "proof" stuff. They will not listen to reason. They have made it clear. Reasonable people talk things out. Not hit their children just because they are said to have done something.

     

    It sounds like you KNOW why this all happened. You wanted to grow into your own woman. Have your own life. Live independently. Parents fail to realize that being independent  has NOTHING to do with needing your parents. Sounds like your dad is mad he has no control anymore. You said it yourself.

    I completely disagree with TELLING everyone "I am cutting my father out". Change your phone number and don't answer him or your siblings. I really think your safety is at risk. I actually don't even know why one of them hasn't gotten on a plane to talk to you face to face. I also think your siblings are so scared of your father that will say ANYTHING to keep his wrath off them.

     

    Change your number. Stop communicating with him and get counseling. YOU deserve better.

     

    daisy662
  • Many years ago (10+) my mentally ill mother falsely accused me of trying to steal from my sister. She had my sister convinced as well. I hired an attorney and the police completed an investigation. It took some time but I was able to clear my name. My mother has since passed away and my sister and I have mended our relationship. Through therapy I have come to accept that my mother was not trying to harm me but for whatever reason she felt that I was to blame. My mother was very controlling and the accusations began when I finally decided to stand up to her. During the investigation I insisted that all contact be via my attorney. Once the investigation cleared me of any wrong doing my mother was still not convinced. We did not speak for three years. We only began speaking again because she was diagnosed with cancer. She never apologized and I don't believe she ever fully accepted that I had nothing to do with my sister's identity theft even though I was cleared.

    You need to cut off contact with your father, hire an attorney, and see a therapist. Continuing to respond to these accusations will do nothing.  Also, while I am sure it is difficult and heart wrenching, it is OK to stop talking to your family if this is how they treat you. Best of luck to you.

  • First of all congrats to you for getting out of that situation and becoming successful. Not an easy thing to do to leave in the middle of the night & try to start all over with nothing. I agree that counseling could be good for you and that trying to cut off communication with your family is necessary, even though it will be a hard thing to do.

    Good luck on dealing with this.

  • Zshamoun said:
    Hi all, I am new to this board and was looking for some help. I want some advice on how to confront my dad, brother and sister. They have made false accusations against me, and no proof was ever provided, and finally my dad said he didn’t have any proof. So here is the story below. I’m sorry it is a little long.
    My father and I had a huge fight in May of 2013 and him, my younger brother and sister all were against me accusing me of stealing jewelry (all gold) , 150,000.00 in cash, and robbing our family business blind too. So according to them about half a million dollars. . I was completely taken back by all this. I asked my dad who would say this, and he said my brother and sister discovered this information. So naturally, I asked for proof. Well my dad was just not having it. He hit me a few times; my brother and sister were cussing me out, so I left.

     I called my grandpa, he booked me a ticket and I left to Texas to be with him. I left in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. My face was bruised from the punches, and I asked my dad repeatedly what proof do you have, and he would just get madder, and say he didn’t have to prove anything to me, that my bro and sis would not lie about something this serious, and that I needed to just say the truth. Well I refused. I told him I would not admit to something I did not do. I cut contact off with him for 6 months up until recently. He ended up coming up with a dozen more accusations against me. “You were stealing clothes too, your boyfriend stole money from my shop too, and you are living a good life off my hard earned money, and even proceeded to tell the rest of the family that I cleaned his bank account out. The whole thing just makes me sick. So 3 days ago, I snapped. We argued back and forth for 2 days via text message. And I finally got my answers. He says the reason I was being blamed was because I am the oldest, and I was responsible for everything. Then he said that I "cover up my tracks" and "hide my traces" really well but when the snow melts all the shit will show. In other words he has no proof, but insists and knows in his “heart” it was me. Now, lots of people in my family are telling me that my dad is pissed with me.

     All my brothers and sisters listen carefully to him for fear they will be cut out of the will, or disowned. ( Strict Muslim family). When I left my home, and was actually on my own with my grandpa in Texas, I ended up doing really well. I finally got to finish my degree, I have a very good job that pays really well, and have made new friends out here. I got my real estate license and now sell real estate also. So in other words, I don’t want to go back to Michigan. So my family members are telling me that Dad is upset with me because I left him, and "took control of my life without his permission and blessings" and he’s upset. So this is his way of getting me back home so I can "face my dad, brother, and sister" and clear my conscious.
    All of you thank you for reading; this whole drama has taken a huge toll on my life. I wake up so depressed and sometimes don’t feel like getting out of bed. I just want to confront them and be done with it but I don’t know exactly what to say. It’s not common for me to argue with my father, and I have never stood up to him. So any help would be appreciated.
    Okay, first of all "Congratulations on the degree and the new job." I know its not easy with a muslim background to stand up to your elders, but you did what you needed to do for you. Good. I'd say talk to a counselor and get group therapy for your family, but coming from a muslim background myself I know that's just hitting a brick wall as far as your father is concerned. What does your grandfather have to say about all this? Has he intervened? See if he can mediate between your father and you and have an HONEST conversation about what is real and what isn't. Tell them you didn't do what they think you did but you'd be willing to help with any investigations to get to the bottom of it and find out who actually did steal from him. Muslim men can be very stubborn at times and going against them is hard that's why you let them think they came up with the idea themselves :) If your siblings are so against you and adamantly accusing you it makes me wonder if it wasn't one of them that stole from your dad.

    Your best bet would be to talk with your grandfather and get him to intervene on your behalf. Tell him how this has hurt you and how the isolation is making you depressed. Tell him you'd like to talk to someone about it but you don't want to do so without letting him know. He may recommend someone in the local mosque you attend (if you're active) or may know someone that can help. This may also put a fire under him to go and put swift kick into your father's behind and make your dad own up to the damage he's done. I hope your family will be able to move past this and begin to mend, but luckily you have your grandfather with you. :)


  • If you're in the US, it is a crime for your dad to punch you in the face.  Call the police.
    image
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards