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SIL cheating- to tell or not to tell?

My hub's sister is cheating on her husband, along with using meth, and wallowing in alcoholism (which I know is really a difficult thing, an addiction, an illness, she just isn't accepting it is something that needs to change and is almost flaunting it).  Recently the drugs and alcohol came to the surface to her husband, but not the cheating.  She told only her siblings and parents that.  She is thinking of just leaving him, and their 7 yo son, to chase her dreams...BUT my in-laws want to keep my nephew accessible, and so are trying to get her to push for custody.  
I feel like my BIL needs to know the truth, one because he deserves that respect from us, his family, and so that he can have all the information when making decisions for his son, when fighting for him.  DH is on the same page.  MIL has made it very clear that no one is to tell BIL the truth, that it would show we are on his side against SIL, when really it is just, in our minds, doing the right thing, and trying to do the best thing for our nephew.  Even though it may mean he is less a part of our life if his dad gets custody, it would be selfish to with hold this information for possible personal gain.  
DH and I are already sort of on the outs with the fam, but working hard to repair it, and honestly, MIL and FIL are working hard too, so if we were to go against MIL's wishes, that might ostracize us beyond repair.  Part of me is trying not to let that play into my thought process, just to look at the most basic question...

Should we tell BIL about SIL cheating?
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Re: SIL cheating- to tell or not to tell?

  • beezybaby said:
    My hub's sister is cheating on her husband, along with using meth, and wallowing in alcoholism (which I know is really a difficult thing, an addiction, an illness, she just isn't accepting it is something that needs to change and is almost flaunting it).  Recently the drugs and alcohol came to the surface to her husband, but not the cheating.  She told only her siblings and parents that.  She is thinking of just leaving him, and their 7 yo son, to chase her dreams...BUT my in-laws want to keep my nephew accessible, and so are trying to get her to push for custody.  
    I feel like my BIL needs to know the truth, one because he deserves that respect from us, his family, and so that he can have all the information when making decisions for his son, when fighting for him.  DH is on the same page.  MIL has made it very clear that no one is to tell BIL the truth, that it would show we are on his side against SIL, when really it is just, in our minds, doing the right thing, and trying to do the best thing for our nephew.  Even though it may mean he is less a part of our life if his dad gets custody, it would be selfish to with hold this information for possible personal gain.  
    DH and I are already sort of on the outs with the fam, but working hard to repair it, and honestly, MIL and FIL are working hard too, so if we were to go against MIL's wishes, that might ostracize us beyond repair.  Part of me is trying not to let that play into my thought process, just to look at the most basic question...

    Should we tell BIL about SIL cheating?
    Stay out of it. You don't know for sure what he knows or doesn't know and it's not your place to get involved. 

    I have yet to see someone tell another person their spouse is cheating and have any good come from it. They often know on some level and don't want to face it. Your SIL is into plenty of shit, I'm sure he has some sort of inkling she isn't a trustworthy person.

    I also would not do anything to help SIL gain custody. She is an unfit parent at this point and your in laws know it. They need to think about what is best for the child, not what they want.

    I would stay out if this while mess as much as you are able to. The only thing your in laws... or anyone else for that matter... should be doing for SIL is getting her into treatment. All the rest is dysfunctional nonsense.
  • ah625ah625 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    In the event you choose not to stay out of it, my advice is to snail main an anonymous letter.

    I personally feel that someone should tell him, but only because there is a child involved who needs to be immediately removed from this toxic situation.

    chiualoverstarstruckxo
  • I honestly am torn on the issue.  I mean on one hand, he might already know and it isn't your place, but on the other hand God knows what kind of diseases she could be exposing him to if they are still having sex.  

    Ultimately, that is where I lie.  He deserves to the chance to take his health into his own hands and protect himself.  The only way he can truly do that is to know the truth.  
    TarponMonoxidestarstruckxo
  • Also your ILs are delusional if they think their daughter will be getting custody of their grandson. That child needs a stable parent.
    TarponMonoxidekittie8709
  • edited February 2014
    beezybaby said:
    My hub's sister is cheating on her husband, along with using meth, and wallowing in alcoholism (which I know is really a difficult thing, an addiction, an illness, she just isn't accepting it is something that needs to change and is almost flaunting it).

    Her husband needs to throw her ass out of the house and file for divorce. Never mind she's having an affair.

    He needs to kick her out of that house because she is a druggie. Who cares about anything else! Drugs are a dealbreaker.

    I am guessing he's just another one in denial. What a fool he is.

    Recently the drugs and alcohol came to the surface to her husband, but not the cheating.  She told only her siblings and parents that.  She is thinking of just leaving him, and their 7 yo son, to chase her dreams...BUT my in-laws want to keep my nephew accessible, and so are trying to get her to push for custody. 

    To "chase her dreams?"

    Where?

    Down to the next back alley to meet her connection and get high???

    For love of mike: there is a child involved. Call CPS tomorrow. Her husband is a mess; he needs to take that kid and LEAVE her!

    By being in denial he is keeping his child in a horrible and dysfunctional home --- he knows about her drug use but wont' remove himself and the kiddo from the house or throw her out and divorce her? Bad news. Especially for the child.

    I feel like my BIL needs to know the truth, one because he deserves that respect from us, his family, and so that he can have all the information when making decisions for his son, when fighting for him

    Forget it. As long as he is in denial, you know the rest. He knows the truth, all right, but refuses to actively do anything about it: he needs to take that kid and leave her or throw her ass out of their home and lock the door behind her.

    Do you think he is going to care if he knows she is having an affair?

    He doesn't seem to care she's drugging. So, there you go.

    DH is on the same page.  MIL has made it very clear that no one is to tell BIL the truth, that it would show we are on his side against SIL, when really it is just, in our minds, doing the right thing, and trying to do the best thing for our nephew.  Even though it may mean he is less a part of our life if his dad gets custody, it would be selfish to with hold this information for possible personal gain. 

    Getting involved in the fact she is having an affair and having an intervention for her H won't amount to a hill of beans; stay out of it.

    DH and I are already sort of on the outs with the fam, but working hard to repair it, and honestly, MIL and FIL are working hard too, so if we were to go against MIL's wishes, that might ostracize us beyond repair.  Part of me is trying not to let that play into my thought process, just to look at the most basic question...

    Sorry, but you and your H cannot repair anything here. She's an active drug user and as long as she is using, this is a lost hopeless case.

    Should we tell BIL about SIL cheating?
    Her cheating is the smaller picture. She needs to go because she is a druggie and that child should not be around her. Not while she is actively taking drugs.

    Her H doesn't care and like I said he is wittingly exposing their son to danger. This is no home for a child to grow up in.

    That child needs to be removed from the premises.
  • For the sake of that child, I would tell.  Screw the ILs.  they are incredibly selfish.
    TofumonkeyTarponMonoxide
  • WendyGR said:
    as someone whose first husband was into alcohol and meth (which I discovered) and cheating for nine months (which I didn't know), I really wish someone had told me he was cheating. Some of my former friends knew. When I was at the doctor's office getting an HIV test I really wish someone had told me. Luckily I didn't catch anything but I resent the fact that it was going on for so long and no one even hinted. 

    Well, this is coming from someone who's been there. I would suggest finding a way to tell him. While it is technically none of your business, he has the right to know. I would want to know, and even though I may not like it, I would still like to know.
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  • I agree with pp's regarding the health aspect. I didn't think of that at first. And as pointed out, @WendyGR has actually been through it.

  • I get it that you don't want to ruin  your relationship w/ your ILs, but for the fact there are already issues there and then add on to it - they want their drug and alcohol addicted daughter who is also a CHEATER and who, of her own choice, wants to leave both her DH and DS and run off.... they want HER to have custody of that boy so that THEY have access to him. 

    Really think about that.  Really think about what they says about them as people.  They should want what is best for that boy.  Not what is best for them.   That really angers me.  And it does make me think "why do you really even WANT a relationship w/ these people?".   This says a lot about their character. 


    zzbb
  • Tell him?

    He may say you're lying or she may tell her H that there is no affair and that the person who told him is making up stories.

    No sense in telling him.

    What stands is that she needs to go because of the drug use.
  • Thank you everybody for your insight-I don't think there is a single opinion that I don't agree with on some level. Which makes it all even harder.  There are so many down sides to all angles.  
    Thank you especially to @wendyGR for sharing from a personal experience.  I keep trying to put my self in his shoes and I came to the same conclusion, I would want to know.  And I would want the people I know and love to tell me.  Can you PM me to talk a bit more?

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