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I'm the man in the bedroom - help!

I swear he is the stereotypical woman and I'm the man when it comes to how often and how much we even like sex. Things were awesome in the beginning and we should still be f*c#ing like bunnies after only 2 years. I'm mourning the loss. He desired me, had passion, had lust. I have brought this up and he is bewildered at himself. He said, "you're right - why in the world wouldn't I want to have sex more often?" Is anyone else having this issue?

Re: I'm the man in the bedroom - help!

  • lifeguardlifeguard member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    Ages? Change in weight? Changes in the home or work? Outside family events? Children? Virgin or virgins before marriage ?
      Complex issue for sure.
  • He has only had 4 other partners and neither of us were virgins.  His ex wife only had sex with him like once a year after 10 years. As you can imagine he was a kid in a candy store when we met because I am horny and adventurous all the time. I guess I feel like I sleep and eat every day... why wouldn't I want to have sex every day? But I'd settle for 3x a week happily. 

    We are both in our 40s. We are under a tremendous amount of stress planning our wedding, doing a major home remodel and raising our 4 kids. But none of this mattered in the beginning. I am sitting here bawling remembering the passion he had for me those first 6 months. I know I am insecure and keep thinking this is something I could fix... If I were younger or prettier or bigger boobs... stupid I know. He was under different kinds of stress in the beginning too so I have a hard time buying the stress excuse. I am losing my mind with anxiety over everything we're doing and my wedding 2 months away but that hasn't stopped my horniness. So instead of bringing this up *AGAIN* I feel like I should just shut up because then he will have sex because he owes me, he's obligated and doesn't want to anger me. No, thanks. I'll masturbate.
  • edited February 2014
    zanypaint said:
    I swear he is the stereotypical woman and I'm the man when it comes to how often and how much we even like sex. Things were awesome in the beginning and we should still be f*c#ing like bunnies after only 2 years. I'm mourning the loss. He desired me, had passion, had lust. I have brought this up and he is bewildered at himself. He said, "you're right - why in the world wouldn't I want to have sex more often?" Is anyone else having this issue?
    You need to have another very long and frank talk with him.

    I don't know what is going on here.

    Anything could be happening: sexual rut, he's just not a real sexual kind of guy, or maybe he is having an affair.

    Guys just don't stop having a lot of sex. Something else is going on here.

    Sure you were lusty and crazy ---- at first. This all has to do with the infatuation stage.

    You need to have another talk with him -- the both of you have to work on this together. He owes it to you to make sure you are happy in the bedroom.

    You might want to go see a sex therapist on your own. it would be a good idea for him to see one, also.  You need a healthy dynamic in this department; if it isn't resolved, it's going to put quite the rift between the 2 of you. Sex, like religion and money, is one of the biggies a couple will argue over.

    Wishing you luck. Communication is key.
  • edited February 2014
    This I did not see:

    He has only had 4 other partners and neither of us were virgins.  His ex wife only had sex with him like once a year after 10 years.

    Why in the world did he STAND for this?!?!

    Did he ever talk to her or bring up the topic?

    If he didn't he's also got a problem communicating. How sad -- if my mate closed the bedroom door you can bet I'd make certain I'd ask him what's going on.

    As you can imagine he was a kid in a candy store when we met because I am horny and adventurous all the time. I guess I feel like I sleep and eat every day... why wouldn't I want to have sex every day? But I'd settle for 3x a week happily.

    Twice a week would be good -- and here is my guess: maybe sex was in such short supply that he more or less got used to the very infrequent sex life that he and his former wife would have.

    We are both in our 40s. We are under a tremendous amount of stress planning our wedding, doing a major home remodel and raising our 4 kids. But none of this mattered in the beginning. I am sitting here bawling remembering the passion he had for me those first 6 months. I know I am insecure and keep thinking this is something I could fix... If I were younger or prettier or bigger boobs... stupid I know.

    Looks has ZERO to do with it!

    if he wanted bigger tits, he'd have gotten a lady with bigger tits. And as anybody can tell ya, not every man is a breast man.

    If he wanted a younger lady, he'd have gotten one; he is with you, isn't he?

    He was under different kinds of stress in the beginning too so I have a hard time buying the stress excuse. I am losing my mind with anxiety over everything we're doing and my wedding 2 months away but that hasn't stopped my horniness.

    You are not yet married to him?

    Perhaps it would be a good idea to put the wedding itself on hold until you and he hash this out .

     I for one would not enter into a marriage with a very big red flag that is present. It's a must you get the sex issue resolved before you get married. It will carry over into your marriage; it won't be an issue that will just magically go away.

    So instead of bringing this up *AGAIN* I feel like I should just shut up because then he will have sex because he owes me, he's obligated and doesn't want to anger me. No, thanks. I'll masturbate.

    And if this is what's happening, this in itself is not good and not healthy.

    And it is a MUST he be open and honest with you about every issue; the issue if sex is no exception to the rule.

    If sex is important to you, do not stand for this type of non-action. it's essential that he fix the problem. Twice a week would be fantastic. I believe he can manage that much.

    Get to a sex therapist as soon as you can. He needs to go also. If he is in good health and so are you and you're both ready willing *and able* sexually, then something is amiss with this picture.

    As a very very long shot: perhaps this relationship is over and has been over for some time.

    Perhaps the passion was intense at first and then just wore off as the relationship was winding down---who knows? If the relationship has run its course, by all means do not marry this guy.

    I would ask him if he is still interested in marriage. Flat out and no holds barred -- and I would tell him that if he is interested in marrying you, he is to provide for you sexually and you won't settle for a guy who needs to have a fire lit under him.

    It is also possible that you and he are simply sexually incompatible.

    You and he need to be getting closer in every way -- there shouldn't be a sexual rift between the 2 of you. Get to a sex therapist stat and have that talk with him now.

    You're losing your mind with anxiety wondering what is wrong and all he can do is go "Gee I dunno why I don't want more sex." This is NOT a good portent! Why isn't he getting up off his tail to make sure the problem is rectified to your satisfaction????

    This is how he faces and solves a problem?

    Hon, you will  have many more problems to face and crisis to cope with together --- you need somebody who is more proactive and somebody who can actually DO something about whatever problem it is. He's like this with problems in the bedroom?

    What's he going to do when there are other issues to contend with?

    Ask yourself that.

    (and this is why I am thinking he's not quite the guy for you.)

    And if you have not sent the invitations yet: DON'T --- until you get this problem settled and settled to your satisfaction. GL.

  • It's possible you just have different sexual needs. My husband and I when we started doing it, we did it like almost everyday, then it went down to twice a week, and now we're at 2-3 times a month. 

    We both work, so we're busy. It's normal to slow down after being together for a while, as some say there's the "honeymoon" phase where you are like bunnies and then it goes into the normal, regular phase, and then you have kids and it never happens.... Life gets in the way and sex isn't all that important in a relationship, at least in my opinion. 

    If sex is important for you or even maybe a "deal breaker", you might want to reconsider. He might not have has strong sexual needs, it was fun in the beginning, but now he's beginning to "settle" 

    It's a good thing to let him know how you feel and maybe even go to couple counseling/therapy. 
    biojessSillygirl45
  • edited February 2014
    Communication is one thing -- has this guy "got it" at all???

    Their sex life seems to have taken a vacation.

    And to top that off, the OP is sick with worry wondering what's happening to them -- and all this guy can do is just say he's not in the mood and can't say why.

    He can't work on issues with his wife -- as I said, if he can't work on this problem with her, what is he going to work on her with?

    She's going to be left holding the bag on every issue that arises -- and what if they are very major issues in other areas of their life?

    This is what the OP needs to look at --- and again, this is why I am saying he isn't the guy for her. He can't man up and work on problems WITH HER: "Honey, we have a problem; if it affects me or you it affects us both. Let's see what we can do about this; I want you to be happy" -- screw pride and screw the macho bullshit -- it's time to get it in gear and do something about it together. He is obligated to ensure the problem is worked on and solved.

    He went how many years with a nearly nonexistant sex life?

    Why was this okay with him? Why is he such an ineffective doormat???

    It also shows me that he doesn't care. He was just fine with the way things are...gee, anybody see a repeat pattern here?

    That alone shows me he's not a firecracker in bed and probably never will be -- very doubtful that he was off having an affair or had another woman on the side, when his wife made sure the bedroom door was closed to the OP's FI.

    The OP needs to put herself first -- she's gone 18 months with a horrible sex life??? Why did she even get engaged to this guy knowing such a major problem existed? That's what i want to know.

  • I think it's weird he went that long with no sex at all in his previous relationship - and maybe that's why in the beginning he was so happy and acting like a kid in a candy store. Who knows, you two could actually be incompatible sexually and it wasn't obvious at first because he was experiencing something new and you two were in your "honeymoon phase".

    Also. Some guys actually don't like having sex on a daily basis, some can actually do with having it on a monthly basis or not at all and that may be why he didn't impose or freak out on his ex with the once a year issue.

    The only way you can find out is by having an honest talk with him. Stop thinking the issue is that you're not pretty enough or that your boobs are too small -- if you're doubting yourself already and you two are not even married, it's a long road ahead... And it makes me sad that you would even doubt yourself when he's the one you should be questioning.

    Either he is in a rut (and has always fallen into them in previous relationships) or he's just not into it that much and could do without -- but get this addressed BEFORE getting married and if you can't be on the same page, then I agree with everyone saying you need to call off the marriage AND tell him this when you sit down to have your talk. He needs to know that you're not going to having 30 more years of this.
    TarponMonoxideSillygirl45
  • Either he is in a rut (and has always fallen into them in previous relationships) or he's just not into it that much and could do without -- but get this addressed BEFORE getting married and if you can't be on the same page, then I agree with everyone saying you need to call off the marriage AND tell him this when you sit down to have your talk. He needs to know that you're not going to having 30 more years of this.

    And if he refuses to address it or makes promises that don't yield anything, strongly consider saying goodbye to him for good.

    Not to worry if you have to postpone the wedding --- there is no shame in that and you need not give anybody a reason for doing it. Better you put the wedding on hold while the issue is resolved and if there is no resolution, then you have dodged a heck of a bullet.
    Be up front indeed -- - and then make it very clear in you that you are postponing the wedding and he will work on the problem with you and resolves it to your satisfaction or the relationship will be over.


  • Has no one else suggested maybe he needs a medical workup? Stress or other medical issues combined with low testosterone can mean a sexual flatline. My husband is only 32, and he suddenly lost almost all sex drive. He had his hormones checked, and his testosterone was well below what it should have been for a man his age. His back issues and stress basically crippled his hormones. He is on the injections now, and they have helped immensely. He was reluctant to admit that he needed help "being a man" (his words) but he is glad he did it now, and he did it because it was important to me. We went from once every 4-6 weeks to twice a week. It's a nice change.
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