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Help with my brother. Long

I've posted once on The Knot asking about how to deal with my brother and my cousins wedding. I got amazing feedback and everything turned out ok. So I was hoping that you guys could help me with this new situation. I've been agnostic for awhile and started dating my boyfriend three months ago. While these two things don't seem connect, they both include my brother. I would call my brother and we would talk about how our lives were going, and we both came back home for thanksgiving break. I'm six hours away at school so I don't see my family that much.

I would ask if Nick(brother) would want to hear about my new relationship, because we use to be close. He said no, and that he didn't care so I left it at that. He found out that my boyfriend is eight years older and flipped out. He called my relationship disgusting and that I was ruining my life. Fast forward to that night, he comes home but wants to go out to a friends place. Since he was drinking I offered to drive him because I wanted to make sure he was safe. On the way over to the apartment he finds out that i'm agnostic and refuses to talk to me. We sit in silence until I drop him off at the apartment. The tension is still there when I pick him up. We say nothing to each other and this goes into the next morining. We are all sitting by the table and my mom asks who would like to say grace, nick looks at me and says I would. I tried ignoring this passive aggressive move and let mom say grace. Meanwhile the whole thanksgiving day, he has been ignoring me and sitting in a different room. He goes out again and I pick him up. He then starts screaming at me, asking me why don't I believe in god and how could I do such a thing.

I just ignore him and tell him I'm too tired and theres no way that we will agree on this subject. So that was my thanksgiving holiday, I drove six hours back to school and have barely talked to my brother. The main thing I'm worried about is how Nick will react when my boyfriend comes to visit me in the summer. I know that could be worry about it later subject, but I'm very concerned.  My boyfriend is bi-polar, but he takes meds and has good control over it. However, I'm worried that my brother's rudeness, will affect him. I already told him about the whole religion part, but didn't mention how my brother reacted. MY BROTHER is the only one who cares about the age difference, my parents just say as long as he makes me happy. So I guess this is a vent/question.

My question is would you address this issue with your sibling now, or wait until the time comes? I've already defended my relationship and told him he was having a hissy fit. I just don't want my boyfriend to drive all that way to visit me, and have him uncomfortable at my house. And I know with the religion part, I just have to let it be. It just sucks when family screams "but we are family!!" as an excuse to treat each other poorly and with no respect. Thanks for anyone who read this and can offer opinions or advice.

Re: Help with my brother. Long

  • I would just wait on it. If this lasts and he is around next summer then I'm sure he will learn that this guy means something to you. As of now, I would just sit on it. I'm sure my bro would have had a problem with that too, they will change their minds if they see that this guy deserves it.

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  • I would just wait on it. If this lasts and he is around next summer then I'm sure he will learn that this guy means something to you. As of now, I would just sit on it. I'm sure my bro would have had a problem with that too, they will change their minds if they see that this guy deserves it.

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  • I think you need to sit down and have a talk with your brother. He needs to respect you and your views and has no right to attack you. I would tell him these subjects are off limits. Sometimes you just need to agree to disagree.

    As far as your boyfriend coming to see you this summer, I wouldn't worry too much about it just yet. Your parents need to tell your brother what behavior is and isn't acceptable toward a guest in their home.

    That all being said, I wouldn't be thrilled with my younger sister dating a much older guy with mental issues either. You are young and in college. You should be worrying about having fun, doing well in school, and getting the most out of life. Seriously, tread with extreme caution here, keep your eyes open, and don't ignore any red flags. It may all be fine, but you don't want to look back and regret tying yourself down. 
    Tofumonkeycloudymeatballs
  • he is in college too, thats how we met. We are both in the same mineralogy class, he is suppose to graduate next spring. I guess i'm frustrated that this pattern keeps happening between the two of us. He doesn't agree with something and his way is the only way. He has told me that he is smarter, and better than me. It just sucks because we use to be so close. And I'm not tying myself down with him yet.

    We are taking things very slow, and i'll be moving in with friends next fall! So we won't be attached by the hip by any means. I like being independent and i'm happy that my bf encourages it. My last ex wanted me to be very dependent on him, and that lead to me breaking it off. 

    I actually realize red flags in my last relationship and broke it off, so i'll be able to spot it in case it happens. But I have mental issues myself so it wouldn't be fair of me to judge him automatically. 

    Thank you guys for answering my post!

    Tofumonkey
  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    dumb double repost
  • Where is your brother's reaction coming from? Have you changed religions to appease your boyfriend? 

    On the religion front I'd just respond with some crap about it being a personal decision and it's not something that you are looking to discuss. Then change the subject or turn away and busy yourself with something else. 

    On the boyfriend again, get yourself a phrase like "Oh? Why would you say something like that? I'm sure you'll like him once you get to know him." - turn and busy yourself with something else. Change the subject. Start talking with someone else. While your brother is like this I'd avoid being alone with him as he may be less likely to throw a tantrum with an audience. 

    I am wondering though where this is coming from - is he being protective? Or just weird?
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • he has always been protective of me, it gets annoying after awhile though. and i didn't change for my boyfriend, ive always been on the fence. i'm a geology major so i keep seeing to much facts to really believe in the bible. but i cant disprove god either. and i have been doing the bean dip, i guess ill just stop driving him when he is drunk.
  • he has always been protective of me, it gets annoying after awhile though. and i didn't change for my boyfriend, ive always been on the fence. i'm a geology major so i keep seeing to much facts to really believe in the bible. but i cant disprove god either. and i have been doing the bean dip, i guess ill just stop driving him when he is drunk.
  • he has always been protective of me, it gets annoying after awhile though. and i didn't change for my boyfriend, ive always been on the fence. i'm a geology major so i keep seeing to much facts to really believe in the bible. but i cant disprove god either. and i have been doing the bean dip, i guess ill just stop driving him when he is drunk.
    Definitely stop driving him around and avoid him while he is drinking. He sounds pretty immature, but it also sounds like you guys are pretty young. He may grow out of being quite so judgmental and vocal. 
  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    we are pretty young, but unfortunately this type of interaction has been going on between me and my brother for years. My parents call him "passionate" and should know not to tell him anything to upset him. And he is older than me, so i feel like i've been trying to get him to respect me for years. If it isn't my chosen major, its me being a thespian so a "queer". i think i just need to accept that he won't respect me and i have to just be polite but firm. it just sucks when we used to be close
  • edited December 2013
    he has always been protective of me, it gets annoying after awhile though. and i didn't change for my boyfriend, ive always been on the fence. i'm a geology major so i keep seeing to much facts to really believe in the bible. but i cant disprove god either. and i have been doing the bean dip, i guess ill just stop driving him when he is drunk.
    Bolded. Interesting. What facts do you see in your studies that geologically contradict the Bible? I am genuinely interested and I have never "spoken" to a geology major before, so I am just curious about this perspective.
  • we are pretty young, but unfortunately this type of interaction has been going on between me and my brother for years. My parents call him "passionate" and should know not to tell him anything to upset him. And he is older than me, so i feel like i've been trying to get him to respect me for years. If it isn't my chosen major, its me being a thespian so a "queer". i think i just need to accept that he won't respect me and i have to just be polite but firm. it just sucks when we used to be close
    He sounds less "passionate" and more like a closed minded ass. Sorry, I know it's your brother, but really. It sounds like the older you get the more you're going to just have to accept he isn't likely to be the person you want him to be. Good luck!
    Tofumonkey
  • @MommyLiberty5013 well the main ones for me are the geological time scale, which include index fossils and geological events that mark each eon epoch and so on. i don't know if anyone else will want to hear more about this but if you are interested you can pm me!

    and @sillygirl45 its ok i know he can be a majority of the time and ive just learn that i can't change it. i mean he is the one who said people who use craigslists are hookers and drug dealers, lol. he texted me today saying he was proud of me for doing well in my chemistry class. so i guess, i'll just aviod him when he is drinking. thank you all for responding and it really helped! luckily my boyfriend and geology family are very understanding and supportive!
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