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sisters/mother in law drama

i am dreading the holidays and need advice on what to do- my husband had the habit of going over to his mom and talking about our fights in the beginning of our marriage- sad i know- - now his mom and 2 sisters hate me- GReat wonderful !!- its been a year since he's apologized to me and changed his ways - he has tried to paint a different image of me to them other than the bad evil person he said i was when we were angry at each other- anyway- his sister and i had an altercation bc she likes to talk bad about me to family members, relatives, friends etc...  unfortunately one of my friends overheard her at one event she attended and told her to shut up then she came and told me about it- she called me bad words, told me i made everyone in her family uncomfortable, said that even after my husband divorced me she would still be his sister so forth and so on-- his mom ( my mother in law defends her lol) anyway i was fed up so i said a few words as well and told her she was an unclassy person-  -  my husband talked to her and told her it was innapropriate for her to speak to me that way - i havent spoken/ seen any of them in 6 months - -anyway - the holidays are upon us and hubby still wants to go- he says he's there to see the family that hasn't done anything to us- but how can i go - his sister is not one to keep her mouth shut and doesn't have any idea what respect or manners are- if i go i am certain i will get into a verbal altercation and since mommy dearest defends her daughter no matter what she does it will as always be 9 vs 1. if i dont go my husband and i will end up spending the holidays apart and honestly i prefer a divorce if it comes to that. should i have a sit down with her and try to resolve it? i really can't argue with stupid.  

Re: sisters/mother in law drama

  • Wow, it sucks that your DH still wants to go, and would go without you if you don't go. I wouldn't want to go either, if i were in your situation. So they never apologized to you after talking smack behind your back and then to your face? Have they reached out or made any effort with you at all? If not, I wouldn't go for the holidays either, and I would make plans with my DH instead. If he chooses to go without you, he's basically telling you you're not as important to him as his family. Can the two of you have your main holiday events (like Xmas morning and dinner) just the two of you, or with other family members? Then if he absolutely has to, he could go over and visit his family for a less important part of the day? I'm sorry, it sucks when your DH doesn't stand up for you. I've been there and I know how worthless it makes me feel. My DH has learned (but not without many tearful discussions) that I'm not hanging out with his family unless they can act like respectful human beings. Your DH will have to learn the same. Have a heart-to-heart and tell him how you feel.
    firechica8
  • You need to focus your anger on your husband.  He messed up, really bad and the damage he has done might be permanent

     I would maybe give them one more chance.  Be polite, be civil, but know you don't have to be friends.  Just polite and civil.  Get your DH on board and let him know that if they start anything, BOTH OF YOU WILL GET UP AND LEAVE. He will have to be the leader in this case.  If everything goes fine, then maybe the relationship can slowly be repaired. 

    He also needs to step up here.  He needs to tell them that he never, ever should have come to them when you had fights.  As you can both see, that was stupid of him as that only led to resentment.  How would he like it if you did the same to him ? 

    Overall though, from the running to mommy and sissies about your fights and wanting to see them despite your objections, he sounds like a really immature person.   Perhaps marriage counseling can help him to see the error of his ways and help him mature, but if that doesn't work...well you will have some soul searching to do.

     

    Sillygirl45Tofumonkey
  • You need to focus your anger on your husband.  He messed up, really bad and the damage he has done might be permanent

     I would maybe give them one more chance.  Be polite, be civil, but know you don't have to be friends.  Just polite and civil.  Get your DH on board and let him know that if they start anything, BOTH OF YOU WILL GET UP AND LEAVE. He will have to be the leader in this case.  If everything goes fine, then maybe the relationship can slowly be repaired. 

     

     

    ALl of this - 100%.  Go, be civil and polite, and if they start anything, BOTH your DH and you need to leave.

     

    You say they don't know respect or manners, but YOU'VE said things to them too.  Be careful about pointing fingers!.

    Seriously - don't give them any ammunition.  they start something with you?  Walk away.  It's hard- I get it. But its the RIGHT thing to do.

    For as wrong as your DH was to go to them, at the same time, but having "verbal altercations" really isn't doing anything to paint you in a better light with them.  You can't control them, you can only control yourself.  So START controlling yourself.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    Sillygirl45
  • edited November 2013
    i am dreading the holidays and need advice on what to do- my husband had the habit of going over to his mom and talking about our fights in the beginning of our marriage- sad i know- -

    Yes, it is sad.

    SAD that you permit it, that is.

    This needs attention from a conselor and pronto. He's got to learn that he cannot run to other people and discuss any type of issue or pffle or fight that you and he are having: this is confidential and a matter that is to be solved by you and him.

     now his mom and 2 sisters hate me- GReat wonderful !!-
    THEIR problem, not yours. Let them stew in their own juices.

    Where the heck did you find this rare gem you call a husband?

     its been a year since he's apologized to me and changed his ways - he has tried to paint a different image of me to them other than the bad evil person he said i was when we were angry at each other-

    But he didn't stop blabbing your business and his business --- yoru couple business --- to other people. He's changed nothing at all.

    A counselor, like I said, and make it a must that he attend.

    anyway- his sister and i had an altercation bc she likes to talk bad about me to family members, relatives, friends etc... 

    So how come you haven't stood up for yourself and nipped that in the bud?

    Permit nobody to push you around, talk horribly about you or treat you badly!!!

    This has nothing to do with your wuss husband at this point: it's got to do with you. Stand up for your rights. You are supposed to be a full grown adult. Act like one and tell this little kindergartener tattle tale to put her comments where the sun shines not.

    unfortunately one of my friends overheard her at one event she attended and told her to shut up then she came and told me about it- she called me bad words, told me i made everyone in her family uncomfortable, said that even after my husband divorced me she would still be his sister so forth and so on--

    So now the entire population of Bayonne, NJ is getting involved in this? Good grief...

    his mom ( my mother in law defends her lol) anyway i was fed up so i said a few words as well and told her she was an unclassy person-  -  my husband talked to her and told her it was innapropriate for her to speak to me that way -

    Great...so now your H is taking HIS side and not yours.

    Where did you find this rare gem again? Tell us...


    i havent spoken/ seen any of them in 6 months - -anyway - the holidays are upon us and hubby still wants to go- he says he's there to see the family that hasn't done anything to us- but how can i go -

    Considering that these people aren't exactly the nicest to you, he needs to stand by you and do as you wish and yes, he needs to take your side in this.

    He also should have told the interlopers to stfu and treat you with civilness, when this mess began. What a mess he is.

    his sister is not one to keep her mouth shut and doesn't have any idea what respect or manners are- if i go i am certain i will get into a verbal altercation and since mommy dearest defends her daughter no matter what she does it will as always be 9 vs 1. if i dont go my husband and i will end up spending the holidays apart and honestly i prefer a divorce if it comes to that. should i have a sit down with her and try to resolve it? i really can't argue with stupid.  
    You need to havce a sit down with your husband.

    As i said, he needs to learn to shut his mouth and keep matters confidential between you and he.

    He has a maturity problem, a character problem, a problem with standing up for you and a problem with communication -- and his biggest problem is not quite getting it that now he is married to you, you and he are THE FAMILY.

    You are one new unit. That's a family.

    Do as I said: tell him you and he will be attending a counselor to get on the same page with communication and also because he needs to stand up for you.

    If he refuses the conselor, bad news. This problem will continue. You will either have to accept the fact that you come last...or you can file for a divorce and let this wimp return home to his mommy's home.
  • I really can't say it better than @Disneygeek77 and @EastCoastBride did.

    He started it, quit giving them reasons to believe it. 

    You have an H problem. Settle that, then control your responses. 

    If they continue to try to engage you negatively, walk away and don't go back.
    Tofumonkey
  • It seems like you are saying that your husband has changed his way, as far as not running to his mom when you two get in a fight. You really need to talk to him though before you both head over to his family, discussing how HE will handle the comments and bad talk that may happen. I think it would be wrong for you to demand that he not visit his family, and while he does need to choose his wife over his family, he shouldn't have to shun them either, especially if there are other family members who are cordial with you. I think it is absolutely right of you to demand a sit-down and go over his role in the situation, and how he can help patch it up--but it will take time for him to repeatedly pull his family members aside and politely explain that he spoke poorly of you when he was upset, that he was at fault for the fights too. It is not ridiculous for you to demand he talks to his problem family members before you even go over to keep things at a peaceful level.

    For your part, I think the only thing you can still do is turn the other cheek and be nice. If someone makes a rude comment to you, do not reciprocate as it does nothing to help the situation and only proves them right. If a sister or MIL pulls you aside to say something about you just say, "I know we have gotten off to a rocky start but I love your son/brother and hope you can see that I am willing to move past things that were said and done in the past." And truly mean it, you have to be willing to move on. Perhaps even approach them like this to begin with, with a cake/appetizer/gift in hand to show you mean it. Family can be very protective and from their perspective they are protecting your husband...so it will take time to show them you are not what he said years ago. You may never actually be accepted like you want to be, but strive for cordial, make ammends, and even apologize for nasty things you have said/done as well. If it changes nothing then at least make sure they have nothing new to add against you.

    Besides the family matters, I feel like there is a lot more going on in your marriage than this in-law situation. If you were having such huge fights that your husband went to his family for support you may have bigger issues at hand. If you are considering divorce over spending holidays apart you either need to toughen up and not give up on him (if he is actually standing by you) or you have other issues underlying this problem that are making you think divorce. A healthy marriage shouldn't collapse in divorce because you two need to go separate ways for a few days to avoid a nasty situation, many couples have to split at holidays to see family located across the country. If your husband is forcing this issue, or refusing to back you up or respect your feelings on the matter that shows you two would benefit from counseling. Counseling might also help you two deal with your family issues as well.

  • Exactly what @Disneygeek said.  You should go, try to be cordial.  Just make sure to talk with your H about what you two will do if they start treating you badly.  He did screw up by running to his Mom and sister, but whats done is done.  As a sister myself, I know if my bro had done similar, I would feel strange toward Her too, but IF my bro had told me that things were much better and always came speaking totally positive about Her, I would think, hey she must be pretty okay if he is still with her and speaking so highly of her. 

    I really think you need to make sure your H is doing this, speaking highly of you only to his family now.  Sucks, they will be around forever, so you two willhave to do these family events every so often.  The sister will need to learn to respect and be kind to you.  You don't need to be friends, just get along.  If he talks with his mom, his mom will begin to listen and hopefully say something to the daughter.  I really would make sure that your H has a talk with his mom befoere you do go.

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    Tofumonkey
  • I wouldn't go in a million years, as a matter of principle. I would sit down with the husband and explain that the whole situation is still quite raw, that he needs to be loyal to you and show respect for your feelings this holiday season.

    After all, your H created this and was the FIRST to paint an awful picture of you. Now, only a year out and after all that's happened, he's all like well I can SEE that you're dreading spending an otherwise happy time with people who have a poor opinion of you (because of ME), but I don't care. I want to go, so either you deal with it or I go alone. 
    Basically he's saying yeah I'm sorry and yada yada but I'm still going to put them first. Which completely obliterates the apology in my book!

    He would really leave his family - namely, YOU - behind? Honestly? It was him who ruined so much for you and now this? Sorry, hell no, it doesn't work that way. What's so wrong with spending this holiday just the two of you and re-establish who the family really is anyways? 

  • First of all I think it is insane to expect him to not be with his family on the Holidays. I mean what he did a year ago sucks and yes it has caused you to be cast as an evil women. However, he went to his family to vent. People need to vent. Family is usually the safest people to vent to. If it were me I would go for my husband and no one else. I would be kind and classy to everyone. If someone tries to start something simply say, " With it be a holiday and with everyone here I do not feel this is the time or the place to discuss this matter. If you would like to meet for luch and talk it out I would lover to. However I am done discussing the matter any further while here trying to enjoy family." Kill them with class and kindness. They will be the ones looking foolish and bad. But at the end of the day sometimes we have to suck up our hurt feelings and do something that is important to our SO. If you try to explain yourself or defend yourself in that environment they win because they are getting you worked up. They want to cause a you and your SO to fight. Don' t let them control you like that. Be the bigger classier women. 
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