Sex & Romance
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sex after cheating-long-insight please!

We had a cheating incident early in our marriage, I don't think it is important to go into details.  Too soon, I took him back into our house, and back into our bed.  I know now that having sex with him gain so soon was that weak female inside me thinking that I was the one that had to HIM around, instead of the other way around.  I think for about a month, we had more sex than ever before, out of my desperation to keep him from straying. During that time we conceived our amazing daughter, now almost 2 years old. We also now have a 3 month old, and they are both wonderful and bring so much light to our life.  

We are not, however, having sex.  Since May.  Because of that time when I was having sex with him to keep him around, I feel....humiliated, whenever we have sex, or come close to it.  I only recently told him of these feelings, because I only recently put words to it myself.  He, of course, was devestated.  He never really knew of the motive behind resuming our sexual life so soon ( a typical man, doesn't read between the lines), and never thought of the ramifications.  

We have found a place of trust, forgiveness, and happiness, but we both know that our relationship is lacking because of our non existent sex life.  But I don't know where to start.  I don't know how to forgive myself for my weakness.  And it is hard to disentangle my desire for him, knowing that we need this to strengthen our marriage, and lingering feelings of needing to keep him interested, not fully because of the infidelity, but because I am no longer as "fit" as I used to be, after two babies back to back, and I am just so boring compared to before.  

I know this makes it sound like I blame myself exclusively, but thats not true.  We both know it was he that got this snowball rolling, that there are things he should have done along the way to avoid some of these issues now, and there are things he needs to be doing now. BUT in the end, it is in my head that this block is happening. Where do we start?  How do I get back?  Anybody have experience?  Anything?  
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Re: sex after cheating-long-insight please!

  • First of all, I think that sterotyping yourself and him ('weak female,' 'typical man') is not helping anything and that needs to stop. Your genitalia have nothing to do with your brain or your emotions. You sound like you may have some self-esteem issues to work through, and I suggest individual counseling for that. You may also want to look into couples counseling to help the two of you clearly communicate your expectations, wants, and feelings.
    doeydoPrincessVegan

  • You've got a lot of problems going on. If your H was unfaithful that early on, it is very likely that the affair was in progress before you wed:

    We had a cheating incident early in our marriage, I don't think it is important to go into details.

    It is important for you to go into detail for yourself, particlulary considering this isn't a healthy dynamic, nor is it a sound and healthy relationship you've got going on with him.  I'd personally have said goodbye to him and gotten a civl annullment.

     Too soon, I took him back into our house, and back into our bed.  I know now that having sex with him gain so soon was that weak female inside me thinking that I was the one that had to HIM around, instead of the other way around.  I think for about a month, we had more sex than ever before, out of my desperation to keep him from straying.


    That isn't going to help matters. The underlying pathology of the affair is what you have to look at.

     During that time we conceived our amazing daughter, now almost 2 years old. We also now have a 3 month old, and they are both wonderful and bring so much light to our life.  

    I cant figure out why you brought a second child into the fray.

    We are not, however, having sex.  Since May.  Because of that time when I was having sex with him to keep him around, I feel....humiliated, whenever we have sex, or come close to it.

    Have you considered therapy? I would think you should; you need help to sort out the fact that he's had an affair.

    As I said, it also is not a healthy marriage dynamic.

     I only recently told him of these feelings, because I only recently put words to it myself.  He, of course, was devestated.  He never really knew of the motive behind resuming our sexual life so soon ( a typical man, doesn't read between the lines), and never thought of the ramifications.  


    He's devastated??? Gee, what about his devastation before he thought of having an affair, or while he was having it???

    We have found a place of trust, forgiveness, and happiness, but we both know that our relationship is lacking because of our non existent sex life.  But I don't know where to start.  I don't know how to forgive myself for my weakness.  And it is hard to disentangle my desire for him, knowing that we need this to strengthen our marriage, and lingering feelings of needing to keep him interested, not fully because of the infidelity, but because I am no longer as "fit" as I used to be, after two babies back to back, and I am just so boring compared to before.  

    I know this makes it sound like I blame myself exclusively, but thats not true.  We both know it was he that got this snowball rolling, that there are things he should have done along the way to avoid some of these issues now, and there are things he needs to be doing now. BUT in the end, it is in my head that this block is happening. Where do we start?  How do I get back?  Anybody have experience?  Anything?  
    I strongly suggest a couples counselor for you both and a sex therapist, for the both of you.

    And therapy for you, solo. You've got a dreadfully unhealthy relationship with your H and you are also facing the fall out from your H's affair.

    If it's not possible for you to trust him anymore nor is it possible for you to resume having sex with him as part of a healthy relationship, or you cannot bring yourself to be intimate with him at all, give thought to saying goodbye to him. You can't go through life with somebody feeling like this -- and it's also not a great atmosphere for your kids to grow up in. They need a  healthy parental relationship.
    doeydo
  • I strongly suggest counseling, for you and then bring him in and talk about things together. It sounds like you never dealt with his cheating and to him he thought he was forgiven. I don't think it is fair to blame him for "not reading between the lines." Men and women take people for both their words and actions, if you didn't tell him it is unfair to blame him for not knowing. You can blame him for cheating, you can feel however you need to about what he did. Only you can decide if you can forgive him and move forward. You need to be able to trust him in order for your marriage and family to be healthy. 
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