We had a cheating incident early in our marriage, I don't think it is important to go into details. Too soon, I took him back into our house, and back into our bed. I know now that having sex with him gain so soon was that weak female inside me thinking that I was the one that had to HIM around, instead of the other way around. I think for about a month, we had more sex than ever before, out of my desperation to keep him from straying. During that time we conceived our amazing daughter, now almost 2 years old. We also now have a 3 month old, and they are both wonderful and bring so much light to our life.
We are not, however, having sex. Since May. Because of that time when I was having sex with him to keep him around, I feel....humiliated, whenever we have sex, or come close to it. I only recently told him of these feelings, because I only recently put words to it myself. He, of course, was devestated. He never really knew of the motive behind resuming our sexual life so soon ( a typical man, doesn't read between the lines), and never thought of the ramifications.
We have found a place of trust, forgiveness, and happiness, but we both know that our relationship is lacking because of our non existent sex life. But I don't know where to start. I don't know how to forgive myself for my weakness. And it is hard to disentangle my desire for him, knowing that we need this to strengthen our marriage, and lingering feelings of needing to keep him interested, not fully because of the infidelity, but because I am no longer as "fit" as I used to be, after two babies back to back, and I am just so boring compared to before.
I know this makes it sound like I blame myself exclusively, but thats not true. We both know it was he that got this snowball rolling, that there are things he should have done along the way to avoid some of these issues now, and there are things he needs to be doing now. BUT in the end, it is in my head that this block is happening. Where do we start? How do I get back? Anybody have experience? Anything?
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