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Would this bother you?

Hi Everyone,

So my mother's birthday is this weekend.  As a birthday present, my brother and I (who live within 1 mile of each other in Chicago) bought my mom (who is single, and lives in NY) a plane ticket to come out to Chicago for the weekend, so she could have some company.

My mom is coming out tomorrow and is all excited to have birthday plans.

Two weeks ago (or so), I was on the phone with my mom and we were talking about her impending visit.  I asked her if she was planning on staying at my place or my brother's.  (For reference, my brother and I both have 1 bedroom apartments.  My brother lives in a very, very flashy luxury high-rise.  I live in a one bedroom as well, with slightly more square footage than he has.  Both of us are in fantastic neighborhoods.)  She said that no one had mentioned it, and she was waiting for one of us to invite her to stay at their place.

I immediately said I'd love it if she would stay at my place.  And she agreed.  No mention of it since.

Well, I was on the phone with my brother tonight, and he said my mom was staying at his place.  I was confused and so I called my mom.  My mom said that, despite the fact that we had already agreed that she'd stay with me, my brother finally offered last night, so she's going to stay at his house...and said that it'd be good to get to know his BF better.  (She absolutely DESPISES his BF and tells me this at EVERY opportunity.)

Am I wrong or crazy to feel rejected?  Would this bother you?  I feel like she's staying with my brother because he's her "favorite."


Re: Would this bother you?

  • Don't sweat this. This is no big deal.

    The next time she comes out, invite her to your place at the get go.
  • Yeah, I would be a bit hurt, especially since she never said anything about changing her mind until you asked. But I wouldn't let it get to me too much. I doubt she did it to intentionally hurt you.
  • My feelings would be a bit hurt too, but don't let it put a damper on the weekend. Maybe she really does want to get to know his BF and improve their relationship. Look at it the other way - maybe she knows her relationship with you is solid and isn't worried about it, so she's staying with them to work on their relationship. Either way, try to enjoy the weekend, and it's okay to lick your wounds a little in private.
  • I would be hurt because it is RUDE and your mother was RUDE to you all the way around.  She not only dropped her plans with you when something better came along, but she didn't have the common manners to actually let you KNOW this.  

    So yeah, your feelings are justified.  

    But you know what she is like now.  And while you will probably never really feel 100% better about this, you CAN and SHOULD readjust your expectations of your relationship with her.  

    Move to a more superficial relationship with her, the one that SHE has shown you that she wants. That means, less communications since she couldn't feel connected enough to call you to let you know she changed her mind, and no more iniviations to visit since she doesn't seem to want to stay with you.  

    When your expectations are realistic, you wont be disappointed when SHE doesnt meet them.  And while it is sad that the level of relationship is not a strong as you would want (I know this first hand), its those little stings that make it worse. 
  • Yes and no.

    At face value, yes, I'd be bothered.  but in thinking about it - it could be that SHE felt like you only invited her to stay because your brother didn't.  And maybe he invited her w/o being prompted to do so, so in turn she felt more comfortable going there. 

    Also, if she doesn't like his BF, she really could be trying to make a real attempt to get to know him better.  I can't fault her for that.

    OR - maybe it really is just a "favorites" thing, and if so, I can fully understand why you'd be hurt. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • In between changing her mind about where to stay and the OP finding out about it couldn't have been more than 24 hours. I'd cut mom some slack for not telling her in this amount of time. 

    I wouldn't find it a big deal. Sounds like your brother's apartment is nicer anyways. And isn't having house guests tiring? 
  • I would not worry about it. My mom changes her mind depending on her mood. Sometimes when she comes to visit she stays at my house and sometimes she stays with my sister. If you are upset because she changed her plans suggest that she stay a night with you and leave it at that..I do not think she was trying to hurt your feelings and just felt like you asked because you felt pressured to do so.

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