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BIL taking advantage of us

Hey all-

So annoyed while typing this!!

My BIL moved cross country in May to live in the town that my H and I live in.  No big deal but there are a few reasons the timing wasn't right.  He is 39 and doesn't have a drivers license due to THREE DUI's.  He hasn't had a license for years and still has years before he can get it back.  After a week of living here, he gets a scooter (that my husband paid more than half of to "help him out").  Scooter breaks on day 3.  So for close to 2 months my H, myself or MY PARENTS (yes, my parents) picked him up from work every night at 10 pm (M-F) about 30 min away.  
After nearly 2 months, he *finally* got a brand new scooter...situation taken care of.  What I haven't mentioned is that BIL lives in the house that I still own.  We have been paying TWO mortgages since February.  (We didn't rent the place out after we bought our new house in January because we knew BIL was planning on moving here and renting it.)  My husband didn't make him pay any rent for some of May and all of June and July.  The agreement (between them) was that BIL was to start paying Aug. 1st.  Well, guess who had to start asking the brother for the rent a couple days into August?  My H... and 90% of me only thinks he did because I mentioned it.  So, come Aug 12 he pays only half of the rent.  Tomorrow will be 3 weeks into August and we still don't have the rest of the rent and no word from BIL.  What bothers me is that wouldn't work anywhere you live...why take advantage of us that way?  My H doesn't seem to care but I really do.  Like I mentioned, BIL is 39 and makes decent money.  It really seems as though BIL is taking advantage of the fact that my H hasn't put his foot down on anything.  We have constantly helped him on every level since he arrived in May, so this isn't just a money thing.
It is causing serious friction between H and I.  My H doesn't seem to care but I'm sure he would if the situation was vice versa and it was my brother.  We make pretty good money but it still shouldn't mean that BIL gets to pay whenever he wants or choose the amount.  In my mind, it's just another way this grown man gets to take advantage of those around him.

I guess I needed to vent but also to ask what you all would do in this situation???  

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Re: BIL taking advantage of us

  • You need to stop focusing on your BIL and start focusing on your husband.  Yes, your BIL is taking advantage of your kindness and will continue to do so as long as your husband is ok with it.

    If I were you ?  Well first I would be very angry with my husband for letting this happen.  I would sit him down and tell him exactly how upset I was and I wouldn't sugarcoat it at all.  Then I would remind him that on our wedding day he vowed to put me above all others and let no one come between.  Then I would let him know how sad I was that he was choosing his brother's happiness over mine.

    I would then let him know that we are not helping us brother by giving him all these handouts.  He needs to learn how to budget, sacrifice and save.  You guys obviously aren't helping him do that. 


  • Ummm....seems to me that you have a very big H problem. You and your H need to stop enabling his brother's bad behavior. I would say either he pays up or gets out and you find someone else to rent the house. F-that.
  • Ditto Disney - especially on the issue that you should be #1 here, not your BIL.  I'd very pointedly ask your DH "why does he come first, before me?". 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • You guys are right.  I have mentioned these things before and after talking, he says "I totally understand where you're coming from". But then BIL does something else to add to the list and it's like his understanding goes right out the window and we start from square 1.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Well remind him that actions speak louder than words.  It sounds like your husband is just telling you want to hear to get you off his back, but now it time to back you up with real action. 
  • Oy.  Well, is the house YOUR house (i.e. in your name only)?  If so, take charge.  Draw up a tenant agreement and talk to your BIL about it.  He either needs to sign it/ agree to the terms or move out.  Start acting as a landlord.  This is no longer about your DH and his brother.  This is about you and your tenant.

    And really- if this continues on, maybe consider selling the house so that it's just taken out of the equation all together.

    Oh, and moving forward - I also think you and your parents need to stop being a shuttle service.  If/when this scooter breaks down, let it fall to your DH to deal w/ it. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Why aren't you taking yourself seriously as a property owner and landlord?

    You say that you own a home and are renting it out to your BIL. Do you have a signed lease agreement?  One that states your responsibilities as a landlord - snow removal, lawn maintenance, timely repairs, appliances, etc. One that also states his responsibilities as a tenant - rent payment, due date, late fees, reporting of needed repairs, access to property, notice to move out, etc.

    Stop being annoyed at your husband and DO something about this. Contact a management company to manage the property (for a fee) or do some research on your own and draw up a lease agreement. Have the hard discussions with your DH about what you BOTH want and expect from your tenant. When you both agree, give it to your BIL to sign or give him 30 days notice to vacate.

    You can hardly put all the blame on your BIL when you've done nothing to be professional about your relationship as it pertains to your property. You've left it to your DH, who handled it badly. Time to step up and use some basic resources to get back on track. Or admit your BIL is a deadbeat, this isn't working for you and you need him out.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I need to know if anything was signed, if not your screwed until you start the eviction process.

    You have an issue with your H and you have to fix it. He cares more about his brother than his wife's property? I'd find out how much H cares about his property. I'm saying, I'd be selling Hs things on eBay or whatever to make up for the rent from BIL. He cares so little for you and your money and the damage to your marriage? Really?!?

    Start the eviction process on BIL, it's a long one.
  • HiCan said:
    You guys are right.  I have mentioned these things before and after talking, he says "I totally understand where you're coming from". But then BIL does something else to add to the list and it's like his understanding goes right out the window and we start from square 1.

    What he's really saying is you don't matter to him.
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Ditto the others.  BIL isn't the problem.  He's just a slacker who's using your H's lack of spine to his advantage.  You have a husband problem.  You need to talk to him and be completely honest and warn him that if he doesn't actually DO something, as opposed to telling you what you want to hear, that you're going to do something yourself.  Then you stop driving BIL around and give him warning that if his rent is not paid in full immediately, he needs to move out before Sept 1 so you can get a paying renter in.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • Know what?

    Evict him and cut him off completely. Do not talk to him any longer.

    I suspect he is still drinking and he's hiding his habit.

    The both of you need to cut hm loose --- this is a codependency, not a healthy brother-brother relationship.
  • You need him to sign a lease.  Have H approach him to sign it.  In the lease there is information about late fees and eviction etc as standard process.  You and H will need to enforce the lease. 
  • I have to ask:  Can he legally operate a scooter without a driver's license?  Why doesn't he get a bicycle?
  • Get him out of there!!! Sister, I have been in your situation and it was horrible. When my DH moved into my house, he wanted to rent to his brother. First, BIL decided not to move in right away, so we paid two mortgages to keep the house empty until he was ready to move in. Then he moved in, got his parents to pay his rent, and used his student loan to do things like go on a 5 week trip to Peru. Not even joking. I had to go to a financial counsellor and a marriage counsellor with my DH before he could kick his brother out. We finally did it two months before our son was born. It was ugly. BIL threw a fit, did everything in his power to make DH feel bad, then ran home to his mommy and daddy instantly instead of taking the two months notice we gave him. Luckily,we had no trouble selling the house. To this day, things are still ugly between all of us, including DH's parents, who BIL got involved and who "disowned" my DH for kicking his brother out of the house. Your situation will probably be ugly too, but it absolutely needs to be done, and your DH needs to be on the same page. See a counsellor, do whatever you can to get DH to realize that YOU are his family, and get the brother out of there. He's a grown man, he can take care of himself. And p.s. has your BIL ever heard of taking the bus? Time for him to get acquainted with the transit system!!
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