Family Matters
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update

I just wanted to give you an update on the continuing story about my SIL.  If you remember I posted a while back about how my SIL and MIL basically have "tortured" my DH and I and I was essentially done with both of them.  Then we found out the my SIL was getting a divorce and remarrying another man and we were invited to the wedding by my FIL.  

 Ok well it has been about a month since the wedding and again everything was going fine.  We had not gone to the wedding and life was quiet.  I had mentioned before that since we were having nothing to do with either the MIL or SIL life has been wonderfully calm and quiet. 

About a week ago we found out that my SIL was calling me names on some website I don't know if it was Facebook, Myspace or somewhere else but it was there.  So my DH called her on it and basically her response was that was not for you to find out about it was a "private conversation".  I love how it is not that she shouldn't have done it it is that we shouldn't have seen it which is beside the point.  Granted it may have been private but someone else brought it to our attention so my question was how private could have it been.

Ok so fast forward a week and my husband gets a 2 page email from his sister apologizing for what she said.  Now keep in mind that she does things and then she apologizes, she does things and then she apologizes it is a vicious cycle and you are just supposed to keep the cycle going and going.  (I have stopped going in circles that is why my MIL and SIL are so mad at me because I refuse to say I forgive you or it is ok because I can't take the cycle any more!  I am done with them!)  Anyway, the 2 page email quoted scripture and how she has God's love and when people don't have God's love then forgiveness doesn't happen.  She just kept going on and on. 

 Now please don't misinterpret what I am typing I am just as religious as the next person but I don't go around typing the things she typed in an email.  What was really funny is even though it was an apology email she mainly degraded me everyway she could.  For instance, she blames me for my DH not attending her wedding, "because other individuals can cloud your judgement".  (He makes his own decisions) And she basically accused me of not having any religion and because of that my DH doesn't have any either.  (Untrue we do have religion we just don't go to her church we go to our own and there is nothing wrong with any church it is in her eyes if you don't go to the one she is attending this week you are wrong!)   She also basically said that I am leading him to divorce and she recommends a movie for us to watch to get us back on the same track and some Sunday school class for married couples.  (Again we are not having problems in any way that would lead anyone to think divorce!)  In the end the entire two page email essentially said how perfect she was and how not perfect we were but she appologized for the comments she had posted on the computer. 

After reading the email and not believing what I was reading I basically told my husband that again I am not going back to the way it was in the past and if they think that what she wrote was an apology that she is wrong.  And I did come to the conclusion that even if I would forgive her it really would not do much good because even though I would "forgive" her and my MIL I don't trust them.  I don't trust them not to do the things they have done to me in the past and I guarantee that there is more to come in the future.

Some of you asked to keep you updated so I wanted to give you the newest event.

Re: update

  • so, what you are saying is that there is still the same old drama going on.


  • Why why why did your DH call her up after he heard about the badmouthing? Srsly. In most cases I know it's the law that DH's stick up for their DW's, but this was such a blatant ploy to get you guys sucked back in again.

    She's not going to change, and you don't care anyway, right? Just let it go.

  • WOW. ?I felt like I was reading about the behavior of my own MIL. ?Saying things behind my back, refusing to apologize and saying that I was never supposed to find out- to justify her behavior. ?My husband and I are in the middle of a very similar situation with his mother, and have not seen them in almost a year. ?We, too, have tried to resolve things that have happened, we have apologized, and forgiven them- and then entered into the same circle of BS. ?They continue to make disrespectful comments about me and my church, beliefs, family, etc. ?Even after pointing it out several times- they see nothing wrong with it and have not stopped.

    ?I wish I had advice for you. ?At this point we are feeling very stuck. ?We either suck it up and know that their behavior will never change, start seeing them again and deal with it OR we continue to shut them out of our life. ?There is nothing we can say or do to help them understand that they are out of line. ?My MIL is too emotionally fragile to handle anyone telling her that her behavior is out of line- she sees herself as perfect and has a breakdown when you tell her she hurt your feelings, then finds a way to make it all your fault. ?

    I feel so sad that my DH has not seen or spoken to his family (even though it is due to their behavior) that I almost want to ignore all of her BS for his sake. ?Though I realize this promotes his mother's awful behavior. ?He has been ignoring her hurtful BS his whole life, it didn't phase him until she started talking sh!t about me to him BEHIND MY BACK! ?He lost it at that point and has not spoken to her since. ?

    I feel your pain! ?I know how much it sucks. ?I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't know what to do myself.

  • I totally understand what you are saying Oakvik07 especially about not wanting to take you DH from his family.  I feel the same way but I can't take their behavior.  I can't take the behavior I put up with it for a long time but I am not about to put up with it anymore.   I have let a lot of things go and I haven't stood up for myself even though I knew what they were doing was wrong and I promised myself that I would never allow them to do or say anything more. 
  • Rosie the reason my DH called her on the badmouthing was mainly because we are both teachers in a very large district.  The district just so  happens to be in the city my SIL lives and so does rest of DH's family.  Many of my students and my DH's students are associated with SIL in some way whether it be in the communtiy or church and he and I really did not want the comments to be somewhere the students would see them.  She deleted the comments when he called her on it.  Please don't think that I think my SIL doesn't badmouth me in public I am sure that is happening but I really didn't want it in print for my students to come across.  I realize it was supposed to be "private" but if someone brought it to our attention then how many of my or my husbands students could find it.  We really didn't want it printed and circulated throughout the school.

  • image Chrisy93:
    I totally understand what you are saying Oakvik07 especially about not wanting to take you DH from his family.? I feel the same way but I can't take their behavior.? I can't take the behavior I put up with it for a long time but I am not about to put up with it anymore.?? I have let a lot of things go and I haven't stood up for myself even though I knew what they were doing was wrong and I promised myself that I would never allow them to do or say anything more.?

    I won't allow them to do it anymore either, but I will stick up for myself in the moment. ?Or leave when they are out of line. ?DH and I have already discussed that if we see them again, he is not allowed to leave me in a room alone with his mother- because this is when she makes her snide remarks, the moment he leaves me alone with her. ?She is very manipulative and really good at what she does. ?She knows better than to be a b!tch to me when DH is present, so she waits until he is not. ?

    She has tried to make me feel guilty about it all by telling everyone in DH's family that I am ripping the family apart, filling DH's head with lies and "stealing" her son from her. ?ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? ?I know I shouldn't let it bug me (esp because DH is the one that decided not to speak to her), but deep down it makes me sad. ?After reading books about the personality disorder that we think she may suffer from, we feel better prepared to deal with her, and almost feel sorry for her- she's not well. ?

    Seriously- I feel your pain. ?This has been very difficult to deal with, and has made our first 18 months of marriage harder than they needed to be.?

  • Don't tell me-- she asked you to watch "Fireproof," right?

    I love how people think things they write on the internet are "private".  Confused

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Don't give up on the idea that you want nothing to do with them.  I understand perfectly.  And I understand when you say it has been a very hard 18 months.  I know how hard it is because if this is anything like my experience it took almost 3 years for DH to understand that I was done with them.  It took until last year when my SIL and MIL accused me of pushing the SIL's 1 year old.  I couldn't believe it and neither could my DH.  After that it was easier for him to understand how I was feeling and why I had such dread when I had to be around them. Trust me when I say if you stick to your guns and you really have nothing to do with them and you stay away from them it gets easier.  It will get quieter and easier -- so far for us it has been really calm and quiet since last year but there is the occasional uproar and drama.  Take it as it comes but no matter what happens stay focused and don't let them suck you back in.

  • YES -- Good Guess (How did you know?) Smile

     She thought that would be an excellent movie for us to watch together so we could strengthen our relationship.

     

  • Thank you for the words of encouragement. ?:)

    We think that his mother may suffer from a personality disorder- if that is the case, she is suffering just as much, if not more, than we are. ?She isn't trying to hurt us, she sees reality different than it is- and honestly doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior (and we cannot change any of that). ?I think that being mentally ill is probably harder than occasionally seeing/speaking to your mentally ill mother/MIL. ?It took my husband a very long time to realize that all of this was really happening, and that his "perfect" mother was really saying these horrible things. ?We are learning that this whole issue is much deeper than we thought, and cannot be resolved "normally". ?"Normal" communication & conflict resolution does not work with her- she is not "normal". ?There is a whole different set of rules when dealing with someone that is mentally ill.

    Read this book: ?Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. ?Even if your SIL does not suffer from this- it is very interesting and has made us understand our "situation" from another point of view. ?It explains why people around her stick up for them and go along with their craziness (which it sounds like your IL's are doing- going along with SIL's ridiculous stories). ??

    I don't blame you one bit at all for deciding to never see them again. ?We are currently in the same boat. ?It is definitely a much calmer, safer place to be- than contending with a narcissistic IL!!?

  • image liza0828:

    Don't tell me-- she asked you to watch "Fireproof," right?

    I love how people think things they write on the internet are "private".  Confused

      Hahaha!!  I was thinking the same thing!!!

    To the OP - Let it go.  Go back to ignoring her.  If she was truly a God-fearing person, she wouldn't have the kind of personality she has.  For your own personal peace of mind, go ahead and forgive her and the words she said, but remember this:  Just because you forgive someone, it doesn't mean you have to continue a relationship with them.

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  • Your SIL has problems.  You know this. 

    Its not uncommon for some people to deflect their own failings by making OTHER PEOPLE wrong or defective in some way.  That's what she's doing.

    When you stop being an audiance for the rants (aka meltdowns and apologies) then she'll loose her rightous soapbox.  She's using you.  Stop trying to make sense of nonsense.  And stop being surprised. It all comes from the same crazy. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • You have to appreciate the irony of her telling you how to "fix" your marriage and be better Christians though!
    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • image kellbell1919:
    You have to appreciate the irony of her telling you how to "fix" your marriage and be better Christians though!

     

    Yeah I love that irony. 

  • So sorry for all of the drama, I remember your first post. Stick to your guns, and good luck!
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