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is anyone's DH a stockbroker/ financial consultant? please come in!

Hi. I have a question for all those who have little ones and their DH or they are a financial consultant, etc. please dont flame.

My DH and i started having the "baby" talk. And even though we both know we are not ready for children, i wonder how the next few years are going to play out. DH is an all encompassing financial consultant. He deals with it all and therefore doesn't really have much time to spend with me and our theoretic future child in his down time. He wants to have children in no less than 5 years (which i don't think i quite fair, since sometimes concieving does just happen and i REALLY don't want him to resent me for being pregnant before the 5 year mark). He says 5 years because by then his business will be up and running and he believes that he would then have time for a child. i, on the other hand believe that with his choice career, he will never have enough time for a child and to be as successful as he aspires to be.

My father is a financial consultant and has been for 29 years. I did not have a relationship with him growing up and the reason i feel that he knows as much as he does about me is becasue i work for his company and we ride to work together. We have about 40 minutes each way to talk and discuss different ideas and opinions, however our conversations never stray too far from finance or politics. It's never personal. He was always locked up in his study or traveling for meetings and such when i was a child, even to this day- i feel bad for my mom because their relationship does suffer from all his work. it just happenes that he was hardly there for my birthday since my bday falls on or around opening day for whitewing dove, but that's another story. I dont remember many memoreis of us together as a child or tween, anything. I dont want my DH to not be a part of this child's life...i do more than anything. I fear that his career will eat up too much of his time. i fear that if we do have a child, he/she may never see or know his/her father.

I know i am way ahead of my time to be talking beebees but, my "what if" thougth process was turned on while he was out of town on business. i do worry for our future and for the future of our child. Is there any advice you can give me?

Hows does your DH balance such a hectic workload and still have time for your and the children?

Re: is anyone's DH a stockbroker/ financial consultant? please come in!

  • My H works a lot.  He also has a decent commute which adds to the time spent away.  I'd say he's gone almost 60 hours a week sometimes.  I also worry about how much time he'd have not only to spend with a child, but if there were an emergency, it would be hard for him to get here to help me.  My decision was to wait.

    You knew his work situation from the get-go, I'd assume.  A lot of work comes with the territory.  Your H seems to think he'll have more time in 5 years, you don't seem to think so.  It sounds like to calm your fears, he'd have to work in a different field because you don't seem to trust that he will ever slow down, due to what you experienced with your father.  Is that completely fair to assume that he will not keep his promise in five years because all financial planners are the same?

  • Why did you all not discuss this before marriage?  Do you want to have kids, when do you want to have kids, and would you both be able to care for kids are all things that you discuss before you walk down the aisle.

    My Dad has a demanding job but my brother and I never felt like we came second.  Sure, he was busy, but he made time for us because we were important.  FI really wants to have kids but runs a restaurant which involves a lot of nights and weekends.  Family and kids are important to him, so we'll find a way to make it work.  I trust that he will be a devoted father and treat them as a priority even if that involves working fewer hours and making less $.  Sure, some jobs are harder to make this work than others, but you always make time for the things you care about.

    If he doesn't want to get pregnant for at least 5 years you use birth control.  No, its not 100% effective but its generally pretty effective.

    Clearly you have an issue with this....I can't figure out whether its not wanting to have kids b.c. you think he will be too busy, wanting him to get a different job, or you wanting to have kids before the five year mark.  I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want from this situation and then figure out a way to compromise with him about how to make what you each want work.

    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • You are right in assuming that i knew about his field of choice before we married. I thought it would be nice since my dad has seen it all and could offer DH some advice for situations he encounters.

    you are also right in the sense that i am not being fair towards him. Not all financial planners are the same, but it requires so much of a person. (I am currently in the industry and plan on getting out shortly. i just can't handle it.) i've seen so many freak outs and blow ups simply becasue of the market its unreal. From what i have seen from my father and fellow co-workers, to be as successful as he aspires to be you HAVE to throw your entire being into investing for other. it leave so little time for other activities. And maybe i'm not being fair because i haven't seen work and family balanced before. I felt that we (bro and i) were always an after thought for my dad.

  • image HLGobert:

    You are right in assuming that i knew about his field of choice before we married. I thought it would be nice since my dad has seen it all and could offer DH some advice for situations he encounters.

    you are also right in the sense that i am not being fair towards him. Not all financial planners are the same, but it requires so much of a person. (I am currently in the industry and plan on getting out shortly. i just can't handle it.) i've seen so many freak outs and blow ups simply becasue of the market its unreal. From what i have seen from my father and fellow co-workers, to be as successful as he aspires to be you HAVE to throw your entire being into investing for other. it leave so little time for other activities. And maybe i'm not being fair because i haven't seen work and family balanced before. I felt that we (bro and i) were always an after thought for my dad.

     

    I still don't get why this wasn't addressed before marriage....what did you think getting married was going to change about this situation?

    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • image kellbell1919:

    If he doesn't want to get pregnant for at least 5 years you use birth control.  No, its not 100% effective but its generally pretty effective.

    Clearly you have an issue with this....I can't figure out whether its not wanting to have kids b.c. you think he will be too busy, wanting him to get a different job, or you wanting to have kids before the five year mark.  I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want from this situation and then figure out a way to compromise with him about how to make what you each want work.

     

    I am already on birth control and have been for some time so that isn't an issue for us. I never wanted kids until i met DH, like ever. Now, after years of dating and what not, i do want to be the mother of his child. I do want children and i did get a little bit of baby on the brain becasue one of our really good friends had a child. BUT, i know that neither one of us are ready for children for a little bit. Our friend's situation made me think and i got off on a tangent thinking of what it would be like for our children with his demanding job. I'm torn becasue i don't know if he will have time for us in the future of his career. I do NOT want him to change fields. He is completely happy with being a financial consultant and loves it. i couldn't be happier for him, really. I am afraid becasue i dont think he realizes how engulfing his career is. I have seen it from the child's perspective, not the adult so i cannot say how it will be for him. But as a child of a financial consultant, i felt like an after thought.

  • This wasn't addressed before marriage because he was just starting the job. I didn't know if this was going to be right for him. He didn't know either, it was a temporary kind of thing that turned permanent. We weren't sure if he was going to keep his job with Lehman and Bear going under, so i didn't give it much thought. We still have a lot of time to figure this out and since this post is premature, things may change and he may decide to leave the industry in 3 years or i may have a change of mind. We will be stonger becasue of it.
  • Ok...this is going to come across cruelly, but it needs to be said:

    You married a man who wants to 1.) do the same thing as your father and 2.) be successful in a demanding field. ?From your childhood experiences, you know that his career path will take a lot of his time and attention. ?And yet you want to have children with him.

    Honey, you married your dad. ?You are trying to fix your childhood wound through your relationship with your husband and that is unlikely to go well.??You are going to resent each and every time your DH is going to have to put his work first not only as his wife but from the eyes of the child still inside of you who wants daddy's love.

    I strongly advise therapy to resolve some of this pain you feel before you decide to have children. ?If his career does prove to be as time-intensive as you imagine, you will have to willing be the primary parent and his true partner -- without anger and hurt feelings. ?If you can't do that, don't have kids who will be doomed to the same childhood that left you feeling so empty and unloved.?

  • yup, you were right. it was mean. glad i got my crying out already.
  • glad i got my crying out already

     I think this may actually prove Daring's point. Your level of emotion around this issue (that hasn't even presented itself yet) is pretty high don't you think? 

    The reality is that most high-powered professional jobs (doctor, lawyer, accountant, traders, analysts - everyone I can think of actually) require a huge time commitment. None of these professions (including your DH's) mean a 9-5 workday. Some people are able to work around that - and some aren't. I think you have to manage your expectations here- if your DH has this job he will probably have to work hard at spending time with the kids.

     

  • you mentioned not only the effect that your dad's work had on your childhood, but the effect that you perceive on your mother and their relationship together. for the life of me, i don't understand why "100% career-driven" wasn't a dealbreaker for you when you were dating.

     my dad was in the army: i moved every 1-3 years when i was growing up, never finished a school in the same place i started, and kept saying goodbye to people. he was never deployed away from us after i was born, but when we were stationed in germany, he would be away from home for many days at a time. and even stateside, it meant long hours away from home.

     i am proud of my mother for her strength, but i knew from before the age when i started dating that hers was not a position i would ever want to put myself in: i would like a life that doesn't involve frequent moves, and wherein there's less hushed parental conversations about conflicts in the middle east. hence, i made sure not to seriously date anyone who was a serviceman, and i told DH upfront that if he ever decided to enlist, i would consider it an absolute dealbreaker.

     i guess what i'm wondering is why this didn't come up for you before. not even just this career in particular, but a conversation between you guys about how much of your lives would be career-driven. even if this specific industry was just a new option for him at the time, you should have been discussing how you both foresaw the life/career balance.

     i guess it's a question now of where each of your priorities lie. will you be able to deal with the situation if you have children with this man and he is no more present in their lives than your father was in yours? is five years too long for you to wait to start trying to have children? what if your DH's hours do not let up: would he be willing to switch industries in order to be more present at home?

    and throw all the children-discussion away for a moment, because you need to hit on the issue of what this means for the two of you together, not just you plus kids. you mentioned the effect of your dad's career on your mom. are YOU willing to deal with often coming second to his work? is there potential compromise if you don't spend much time together, but you focus on the quality of that time? would he be willing to cut back on hours if it was detrimentally affecting your marriage?

  • I'm just offering a slightly different perspective here.  My dad was extremely devoted to his career - a regular work week for him would be anywhere between 70 - 100 hours.  He would be home for dinner maybe 1 weeknight a week when I was growing up.  He did miss a lot of events in my life.  However, I never felt that I was not loved, ignored or that he wasn't there for me.  I think much of it has to do with how my parents handled it.  When he was home, he made sure that he spent quality time with me (i.e. instead of just watching TV).  If he was traveling or working late, he would always call and just spend 15-20 minutes "cathcing up" with me everyday.  As long as he was home before 11 p.m., we would always have desert togther and chat around the kitchen table.  I really enjoyed those times.  We have a very close relationship.  So I don't think a demanding career necessarily means that you can't have a close relationship with your child, you just have to manage your time better and prioritize.
  • this is quite telling, from your own bio:

    ?I am living the high life...i couldn't ask, want or wish for anything more. I consider myself very lucky

    unrelated, but it just sounded...weird.?

    ?

    ?

    ?

    <img width=100 src="http://tinyurl.com/6q2woyb">
    <a href="http://www.wanlifetolive.com">[the bliz-og]</a>
  • image Wan-naBe:

    this is quite telling, from your own bio:

     I am living the high life...i couldn't ask, want or wish for anything more. I consider myself very lucky

    unrelated, but it just sounded...weird. 

    It's not really unrelated though.  The OP likes the lifestyle afforded by her and her husband's career choice, but not the hours needed to put in to obtain it.

    Something's gotta give.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • DH is a stockbroker and the child of a stockbroker.  I'm the child of a top-level healthcare executive.  From DH's and my childhood experiences, I know that it's very possible for fathers with high-powered careers to spend time with their families.  The reality is that when the buck stops at your desk, you do have to miss out on some things -- a situation came up at work one year and Dad didn't get to go on the family trip to Disneyworld, for example -- but an aware and concerned parent will make up for it in other ways.  My dad and DH's dad were both involved with our scouting troops, with our sports teams, in the audience when we were in choral concerts or plays, on the phone to find out how we were doing, and making time spent with us a priority. 

    It's nothing to do with one's career choice and everything to do with one's personality and the personal choices one makes.  My husband is a very involved dad.

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • image HLGobert:
    This wasn't addressed before marriage because he was just starting the job. I didn't know if this was going to be right for him. He didn't know either, it was a temporary kind of thing that turned permanent. We weren't sure if he was going to keep his job with Lehman and Bear going under, so i didn't give it much thought. We still have a lot of time to figure this out and since this post is premature, things may change and he may decide to leave the industry in 3 years or i may have a change of mind. We will be stonger becasue of it.

    this makes sense....

    the point is, now you and him need to come up with a plan on how to proceed. Very rarely does a marriage end up the way you envisioned it BEFORE you said I DO. LOL...you can talk about  a lot of things - as your should, but you can't figure everything out. 

    We've been married since June and we've already had some changes we didn't see coming. 

    I recommend communicating with your DH about how you are feeling....reach a compromise of sorts or figure out the "what if" scenarios.  Everything is about what you "choose to do." Your DH will have to decide at some point how much is too much time at work, you'll both decide the best time to TTC, etc.

    GL

  • Actually, I think this is easier than you might think.

    Well, as long as he is a little more flexible with the 5 year mark.

    Just wait to concieve UNTIL you see the results of his business up and running and if he is able to take the time off that he thinks he can.  Look for the results first and then go about trying to concieve instead of worrying about having the baby and then being left holding the whole bag.

    Quite frankly, he'll still probably be super busy after 5 years, but you'll be able to tell alot about how he is going about making quality time with you and how he handles situations. Make your decision after you see his actions.

     imho

  • Not my DH, but my Financial planner has a Vice President after his name and works with a major firm.  He's a huge family man.  He frequently even goes home early just to play with the kids and such. Basically, you have to believe that the money you get from working on Saturdays isn't worth as much as spending time with your family.

  • image HLGobert:

     From what i have seen from my father and fellow co-workers, to be as successful as he aspires to be you HAVE to throw your entire being into investing for other. it leave so little time for other activities. And maybe i'm not being fair because i haven't seen work and family balanced before. I felt that we (bro and i) were always an after thought for my dad.

    I disagree with this.  I have a friend who is a finacial planner.  He is incredibly sucessful at what he does.  He is also one of the best fathers (of two!) out there.  I think that it boils down to here is the situation _____.  How are you going to deal with it to  make it work for both of you?  There are always the little special things. One poster mentioned eatting desert and catching up.  My friend makes pancakes on Sunday morning for his family.  Its all about what you make of the situation.

     

    BabyFruit Ticker
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