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Now, what if your husband can't or won't do anything...

Hi Ladies,

This is my first time peaking over here... I was lured by the hopes of finding some common MIL issues...

Many of the responses for those inquiring about pushy/ b*tchy/ needy/ etc MILs insist that DH should handle it... and I do completely agree, but what if he won't/ can't/ doesn't know how?

To give you a little background... My MIL is a very sweet woman.. but we are very different... I'm strong willed and independent and she is sort of stuck in the 50's... basically wipes her husband's butt.  She's works part-time, so she doesn't get how demanding balancing full time career with a commute while managing a household and maintaining a good relationship with family and friends and as a couple.

Anyway- she seems to be almost obsessed with DH (and even me a little).  She wants to see us all the time, she is obsessed with our dogs, and now we're having our first baby and she's become obsessed with that... I think its wonderful to be so loved, but come on... get a life. 

If we go one weekend without seeing her... she immediately calls to nail down an exact time when she can see us again and it needs to be ASAP.  She wants to baby us and cook for us.  When we make plans to see my parents, she wants to come along.  When we have something even remotely large happen to us - she needs to be involved (DH just bought a new car and she  needed to see it asap).  and now with the baby on the way.. she wants to make the christening gown, be in the delivery room... I mean... I am having visions of this woman leaning over me grabbing for my child as I learn to breast feed...

Its all really unsettling....its hard to be mean to her, because the intentions are in the right place, but I really need her to back off!  DH thinks she is being ridiculous, too, but he doesn't know how to say anything to her... I have given him dialogs to go by, examples, I've threatened him, I've fought with him... and nothing works... he would rather avoid her or not answer her calls... I would like to have a good, BALANCED relationship with her without having this constant anger brewing inside me over her constant neediness.

Phew... ok... any similar issues?  advice on what works?

Re: Now, what if your husband can't or won't do anything...

  • She sounds like my MIL.  The thing that has worked for me and DH is that we decided to pick our battles with MIL.  Some things like her insisting on going with you to visit your parents should be addressed with her.  Other things like seeing a car, I would just deal with.  That way she still feels like she is involved and when bigger issues come up, like being in the delivery room, (which I know is an issue that I will have with my MIL and there is no way that she will be allowed to be in there) it will be easier for you to say no and for her to deal with it.  I have also discovered that with my MIL, she needed time to adjust to me and DH being married and having our own lives.  The first two years were really difficult with her.  She has now calmed down alot.
  • You can start by not answering the phone if you are not expecting her call. Let the answering machine pick up. You're not there for her whims.

    You can also limit what you tell her. Going to your mother's or wherever? Don't make her privvy to the information.

    Your H has to step up to the plate here -- by not speaking up and gently telling his mother "Ma, listen: we love you but please: give us some space. Your calls are a bit too numerous and we have our lives to live, same as you have yours to live; we'll call you to let you know what's what" he's pretty much giving her permission to do as she likes.

    She also sounds like she's got too much time on her hands. She needs to occupy her time more with other interests and keep busy.

     Indeed: sit your H down and let him know that her constant calls and demands are getting on your last nerve. GL.

     

  • There isn't anything we can say that is going to teach him to stand up and be a man.  He just has to step up to the plate and set some boundaries with her.  Yes her feelings will be hurt, but she has a pair of big girl panties stowed away for situations such as this and it is her choice to put them on or wallow in her own misery.  If she chooses to feel sorry for herself it is not your fault. 

    He just has to tell her that she is being intrusive and that you and he need your space.  He needs to sit down and set up some boundaries with her, and to stop being afraid to tell her no.  He is putting her feelings before yours (even his own), and that needs to stop immediately.

    I would also suggest that your DH talk to his parents together on this one.  I have a feeling that his dad will be more level headed in this situation, and will be willing/able to reign his wife in a bit.

  • ok your MIL is doing all of this because she can. she knows she can get away with it. she will not stop until DH sits her down and sets her straight. he needs to say "mom, we love you and we DO want you to be a part of our lives, but you have your own place in our life and we need you to stay there." he needs to tell her that the constant phone calls are overwhelming, which is why he's started avoiding them. he needs to let her know that when you two are going to YOUR parents' house that she needs to let you have your own time with them because it isn't fair at all for her to tag along. and as for her being in the delivery room when you have the baby--are you kidding me? absolutely put YOUR foot down. YOU are the one having the baby and YOU have every right to say to her "i know you are excited, but i am just not comfortable with having you in the room with me. i want it to just be me, the dr's and DH." even if you want YOUR mom in there, it does not in ANY way give her a right to be there--your mom changed your diapers, you don't have to be uncomfortable around her.

    this has to be settled right now or it will never change. your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother. and he needs to be firm. you have to talk to him and tell him EXACTLY how you feel and what you do and don't want going on in your life, ESPECIALLY when the baby comes. good luck.

  • *wow* ...sounds exactly like my MIL. Like you said about your MIL she is a lovely wonderful warm hearted woman, but she had no boundaries. The problem I found with my DH was that b/c she had raised him, he let a lot of stuff go, chalking it up to "she's my mom, she misses having me at home". I love her and I want her involved, but I also want boundaries. This past wk/wknd was the first wknd we haven't seen them (at least once) since we got married (in October 2008) - seriously. Its just too much.

    In all honesty you may have to talk to her yourself. DH just couldn't/wouldn't do it. The first issue was the calling to chat (about nothing in particular) on Sunday mornings before 9 am (we're up @ 4:30 mon-fri for our commute). It didn't go well at first, but I was firm and she seemed to understand we weren't being hurtful, but just wanted to have some space as newly weds. The second issue was coming over every wknd which she didn't/still doesn't like but understands. The latest issue was about her constantly buying stuff (in her style/taste) for our brand new home. I had 4 different conversations with her to no avail (I know your heart is in the right place, but please let us get our own stuff), and even tried not accepting stuff. I finanlly said "I am not saying this to hurt you, I love you, and I appreciate whole-heartedly what you are trying to do, but please stop. I do not feel like my house is my house... I feel like my house is your house". She finally understood she was taking the fun out of being first-time homeowners and said, "thank you, you needed to tell me that way b/c I wasn't getting it before".

    My relationship with her is stronger now than before, and its b/c we're honest with each other. My fear is that if you keep leaving it to your DH (and I totally agree with everyone on here who says his mother his job), that she might not believe it's coming from him and think that it's only you and you are using him to say something.  I mean you married him so you plan to be with him (and his family), so you don't want to deal with tension forever. That's too hard. It will always be a battle here a battle there, but I think it gets better, especially if you are honest with her.

    *sorry that was so long-winded* 

     

    "Great hearts steadily send forth the secret forces that incessantly draw great events." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~ Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • So basically she's smothering you guys and it's not easy to tell her to back off because she's so nice.  That would be tough.

    Can't your H say to her, 'Mom, I love you, we need our a space a little...'  something along those lines?

  • The big thing that has worked my MIL is that we limit the information we give her.  We don't tell her things until after the fact...so like for the case of her being in the delivery room, we probably would not call her until after the baby was born (which in our case is easy because she lives 3 hours away).  

     Or we don't bring up trips until after we've gotten back from them.  We don't come right out and lie--like if she asks what we're doing this weekend and we're going on a trip, we don't say oh we're doing nothing.  But too, at that point with a few days notice, it's too late for her to do anything about it either. 

    DH also makes a point not to tell his brother things as well because what we've found that sometimes happens is to take the heat off himself, BIL will switch the conversation over to DH knowing that DH doesn't tell his mom things so then she'll get all mad that BIL knows whatever about DH and she did not know.  So be aware of that if you have any family dynamics like BIL. 

  • I don't 100% agree that MIL "problems" should be automatically handled by the DH in every situation.  Some of what you laid out - yes, he needs to handle it (needing to see you all every weekend, for example. HE needs to be the one to say "Mom- we want to see you, but we're busy and we can't see you every weekend").

    However, there are things that you can absolutely speak to. The delivery room?  You can say "Oh- I can understand your desire to be there, but I need to let you know now that it's only going to be DH and I.  It's a very personal event for us and I hope youcan understand that.". 

    You all are busy on the weekend but she wants to nail down a time?  In the moment, you can say "MIL, right now we can't guarentee that we'll be able to see you.  If we do have time, we'll let you know".  (The bigger message of 'we can't see you every weekend, but we love you' does still need to come from DH.  But in the short term, immediate plan setting stage, YOU can speak up!) 

    And as said- you both need to stop giving her all the details of your lives.  Why does she know you're going to your parents?  Don't tell her so much, and also pick your battles! 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • If I were having a baby, for anyone to come in teh delivery room with DH and me they would first have to get up on our dining room table, be naked under a sheet and spread their legs for all to see.

    Then maybe I'd entertain the idea of them coming in.

     

  • I agree that you should limit the information that you give her.  If she doesn't know that you are visiting your parents, then she can't ask to tag along.  And in those circumstances, I think its perfectly ok for YOU to say "sorry, MIL, but having you visit my parents when we do just isn't going to work."

    I would also say - your dh is dealing with his mom.  He's not answering her calls.  That is HIS way.  You don't need to have a big, long talk about boundries and how you need newlywed space if your dh chooses not to answer the phone.  Unless she starts stopping by, I don't see the problem with his strategy.  Either way, you don't see your MIL.  Just let him combine that with not giving her any info, so she doesn't KNOW she is missing...your trip to the beach, your afternoon with your parents, your dinner.

    And if she "demands" face time and your dh caves - let him see her.  On his own.  Tell him you don't have the time (or the stomach) to see your MIL, but you'll go out with friends and allow him to visit his mom.  I'll bet they run out of things to talk about, and he'll think twice before agreeing to see her next time.

    As for the christening dress - I'd let her make it.  I think that is sweet!

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image Amanda&PJ:

    ... I have given him dialogs to go by, examples, I've threatened him, I've fought with him... and nothing works... he would rather avoid her or not answer her calls... I would like to have a good, BALANCED relationship with her without having this constant anger brewing inside me over her constant neediness.

    You've faced the hard truth that you can't control DH, you can't control your MIL - you can't control anyone else besides YOURSELF.

    As much as you'd like this to be all sorted out and your MIL to be 'okay' with the new boundaries, there in NO indication that this will happen.  So you've got to take control of YOU.  This means that you don't go over there next weekend (or every weekend).  DH can go.  You don't.  And it falls to your DH to explain or not explain.  It means you don't return her calls more than once a week (or whatever seems reasonable to you).  It means you go about your business with your boundaries intact.  Not becuase you've been given permission (by your MIL or DH) but because it is fair and right - in your own mind.   

    I get that she's sweet and easily hurt .. but its also all about her and what she wants and very little about you.  If you don't want to accept a meal, then don't.  Its hard to be the recipient of all of this attention and good will.  De-tangle yourself.  YOURSELF.  Set expectations that you will not say "how high" when your MIL calls saying "jump".  So when you miss a weeekend meet-up and she calls immediately to lock you into a date you don't give her one!  YOU don't.  And if your DH does - then he's on his own. 

    It also means you say "No" a heck of a lot more.  Just no.  No lenghty explanations.  Just no.  "No, that doesn't work for me."  It falls to your DH to explain, prepare or ignore, that's on him.  You don't pick up the slack ... or stop doing what you need.

    It's great that you want it explained and sorted before MIL has hurt feelings.  It's just never going to happen.

    And just for a reality check ... now that your PG and about to be a mom, you don't have the extra energy or time ot snap-to on her schedule.  You just don't.  Be kind to her and include her when you want or run over there when you want ... just make sure its WHAT YOU WANT.  Otherwise, don't.

    THAT'S how YOU set boundaries.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • 1.  Limit the information you share with her.

    2.  Start saying no.  You don't have to be ugly about it, but when she wants to see you every week and won't let up, you can say gently, "MIL, this weekend is really not a good time for us.  Could we get together for dinner on X date instead?"  Once you start saying no often enough, she'll start to accept it.

    3.  When it comes to your baby, pick your battles, but put your foot down.  MIL did get a little smothering when I was pregnant, and DD is her third grandchild so she didn't have the first-time granny overexcitement excuse.  She wanted to know every single ding-dang time I was going to the doctor, and she started calling me almost the second I walked in the door after each appointment, before I'd had a chance to talk to DH and let him know about the appointment.  DH finally called her and asked her to stop because it was upsetting me to feel hounded for information that way.  She took it nicely and let me call her on my own time after appointments, which I appreciated and made a point of calling her in a timely fashion to keep her in the loop. 

    MIL also wants to be DD's sole babysitter, and DH and I aren't okay with that for several reasons.  So we don't tell his parents when we're planning to go out unless we're going to take them up on their standing offer to babysit, and we make sure that we take DD over to see them or invite them over to our house or meet up with them for lunch or dinner regularly.  That way, they're getting something they want -- time with their granddaughter -- and we're getting something we want -- having some control over the situation.  It's a good way of balancing the relationship so that we don't feel like we're being imposed on or that they're making demands on us.

    On things like the christening gown, if she wants to make it and you don't feel very strongly about the godparents purchasing the gown (traditional in some cultures and families) or have an heirloom gown that you really would prefer to use or you'd rather make it yourself, I'd let her do it.  She'd be thrilled and it would be an heirloom.  On things like being in the delivery room, that's a big heck no, and you both should tell her that in a non-ugly way.  MIL: "I can't wait to be in the room when the baby is born!"  You two: "Mom, we aren't inviting anyone to be in the room during labor and delivery, but we'd love to have you in the waiting room so you can come back and see the baby as soon as we're ready for visitors."  It doesn't have to get to a big confrontation, but if you let your feelings simmer and don't feel like you have any control over the situation, eventually you're going to blow up and it will probably cause more hurt feelings on both sides than just setting some gentle limits now would.

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • You avoid this by marrying a grown up who has already established healthy and reasonable boundaries with his mother.

    Sometimes taking a proactive stance to managing this sort of individual is effective, but she seems really intense. Couples therapy to help him see how distructive this is might help, otherwise you set the boundaries with him and let him pick you or her.

  • image scherza:

    1.  Limit the information you share with her.

    2.  Start saying no.  You don't have to be ugly about it, but when she wants to see you every week and won't let up, you can say gently, "MIL, this weekend is really not a good time for us.  Could we get together for dinner on X date instead?"  Once you start saying no often enough, she'll start to accept it.

    3.  When it comes to your baby, pick your battles, but put your foot down.  MIL did get a little smothering when I was pregnant, and DD is her third grandchild so she didn't have the first-time granny overexcitement excuse.  She wanted to know every single ding-dang time I was going to the doctor, and she started calling me almost the second I walked in the door after each appointment, before I'd had a chance to talk to DH and let him know about the appointment.  DH finally called her and asked her to stop because it was upsetting me to feel hounded for information that way.  She took it nicely and let me call her on my own time after appointments, which I appreciated and made a point of calling her in a timely fashion to keep her in the loop. 

    MIL also wants to be DD's sole babysitter, and DH and I aren't okay with that for several reasons.  So we don't tell his parents when we're planning to go out unless we're going to take them up on their standing offer to babysit, and we make sure that we take DD over to see them or invite them over to our house or meet up with them for lunch or dinner regularly.  That way, they're getting something they want -- time with their granddaughter -- and we're getting something we want -- having some control over the situation.  It's a good way of balancing the relationship so that we don't feel like we're being imposed on or that they're making demands on us.

    On things like the christening gown, if she wants to make it and you don't feel very strongly about the godparents purchasing the gown (traditional in some cultures and families) or have an heirloom gown that you really would prefer to use or you'd rather make it yourself, I'd let her do it.  She'd be thrilled and it would be an heirloom.  On things like being in the delivery room, that's a big heck no, and you both should tell her that in a non-ugly way.  MIL: "I can't wait to be in the room when the baby is born!"  You two: "Mom, we aren't inviting anyone to be in the room during labor and delivery, but we'd love to have you in the waiting room so you can come back and see the baby as soon as we're ready for visitors."  It doesn't have to get to a big confrontation, but if you let your feelings simmer and don't feel like you have any control over the situation, eventually you're going to blow up and it will probably cause more hurt feelings on both sides than just setting some gentle limits now would.

    I agree with this.   I don't really see your DH as being a doormat or mama's boy here.   It's harder when the person is just acting out of a genuine interest to be included.   No need to make this more dramatic than it needs to be. 

    Limit what you tell her, occasionally say No, and pick the important battles.  

  • I'm strong willed and independent and she is sort of stuck in the 50's... basically wipes her husband's butt.

    I have limited time to be on here today and haven't read the replies above mine, so forgive me if what I'm about to say has already been thoroughly covered.

    I suspect you are headed for a rough road.  Here's why:  You know how baby birds and ducks "imprint" on the first living creature they see, and think that creature is their parent?  Well, children "imprint" their notions of what husbands and wives are supposed to do in a marriage.  Boys form their ideas about what wives are supposed to be like based on years of seeing how Mommy treats Daddy.

    If Mommy is an equal partner, making decisions with Daddy, and respected by Daddy, the boy grows up to expect the same from his wife.  Conversely, if Mommy "basically wiped Daddy's butt for him" then the boy grows up to think that this kind of relationship is the norm, and more or less expects the same from his wife.

    Your husband may have fallen in love with your strong-willed nature, which is lovely, but that's not going to stop him from thinking that the dynamic between his parents is the norm. 

    The fact that you say he doesn't know how to say anything to her to stop her clingy, invasive, inappropriate behavior is a big clue that he's still buying into the old way (the way his family did things while he was growing up) and hasn't yet gained the resolve to do things the way YOUR family (him, you and your future children -- congrats BTW) will do them.  Take heart, though, most newly married couples deal with this adjustment over the first several years in some way, shape, or form. 

    My advice:  sit your husband down for a nice heart to heart about the SPECIFICS of what you guys are comfortable with as far as time spent with his family, particularly his mom.  Remind him that YOU are the priority, not Mommy, but on the other hand, recognize that having close relationships with family members is not a bad thing.  You don't want to alienate him from his mom or try to convince him his mom is psycho -- that won't work.  Instead you want to put boundaries around his mom's influence over your time and attention.  Decide on concrete limits of how often you all will see her (once a month, once a week, only on major holidays, whatever).  Decide on concrete limits for phone calls and all other problem areas.  Then come up with a way that is acceptable to both of you to handle it with ALL family members (yours as well as his). 

    Start there.  If he still "can't" do this, come back for more advice and let us know what happens.

  • We started setting boundaries that we both agreed on a little bit at a time as each issue comes up.

    Such as no calls coming in at certain times like before 10 am. on the weekends, after 9 pm. everyday and during dinner. My MIL would chew her food and talk on the phone with DH during dinner. DH told her to call when she is done eating and how gross it was to hear her eat. That one fell through so she calls when she is done and when we are not eating dinner.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • My mom is like this.  What worked for me is saying to her "Mom, I love you, but I love you best in small, not too frequent doses."  Then I reminded her of how crazy her mother drives her, and she got it.  I think.
  • I agree with Scherza and EastCoastBride.  Set these boundaries and save your sanity now, because with her personality type I bet she will be all up in your business once your baby arrives.  Good luck.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
  • If your H won't say anything, you'll have to take charge.  When she wants to know when she can see you, tell her the date/time that works for you.  When she wants to come with you to your parents house, tell her "Oh that's sweet of you MIL but we'd like to spend some time alone with them".  When she wants to be in the delivery room, tell her you're not comfortable with that, and then tell the nurses that they are not to allow her in.

    Tell DH, "Hey, I asked you to handle this and you haven't, so I'm going to take charge and I fully expect you to back me up 110%."

  • Since she is so nice perhaps a different approach might be more effective:  Make it a point to call her regularly when you want to talk.  Share info on lots of stuff that you don't mind sharing.  Invite her to dinner or go to her place regularly--all of these things on your terms.  If she feels accepted and "in the loop," these things might give her that little nugget of attention she so desperately needs and you're happy too.  This worked like a charm for me.
    image
  • Talk to your wedding officiant.  Then schedule a meeting with you and FI, FI's mother, and your parents.  Have the officiant talk about transitions in a new marriage, and what that means for the parents of the couple.

    It's been my experience that parents try to manipulate their kid and anyone who is their kid's age.  But when faced with someone their own age, who is in a position of authority...  well, they really do listen and shape up and adjust behaviors.

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    You can start by not answering the phone if you are not expecting her call. Let the answering machine pick up. You're not there for her whims.

    Seriously?  Tarpon, I like the rest of your advice but this is a little extreme.  If you had said "don't answer the phone when you don't feel like talking to MIL" it would be one thing.  But to have to schedule phone calls?  Seriously?  And exactly how is she supposed to schedule the calls, does MIL have to send a courrier pigeon to inform her son she will be calling later that day?  Only answering a phone whne the call is expected seems like a good way to really deteriorate the relationship really quick.

  • image Kristin789:

    Talk to your wedding officiant.  Then schedule a meeting with you and FI, FI's mother, and your parents.  Have the officiant talk about transitions in a new marriage, and what that means for the parents of the couple.

    It's been my experience that parents try to manipulate their kid and anyone who is their kid's age.  But when faced with someone their own age, who is in a position of authority...  well, they really do listen and shape up and adjust behaviors.

    I agree with Kristin789's observation that many parents of newly married people try to treat the younger generation "like a kid."  That's certainly true.  I think it's hard for some parents to really respect their adult child as an adult.

    But I disagree that the way to deal with it is to get your wedding officiant to go to bat for you.  That'll just prolong the problem.

    Respect is not something that adults give kids for being "good kids."  Respect is something that adults give other adults for standing up and acting like adults -- you aren't given adult status by your parents.  You claim it by acting like an adult.

  • Kristin789 still hasn't claimed adult status.  Don't you remember all her post about kowtowing to her mother and not being able to have her own life until her mother dies?
  • I thought I recalled something along that line, Kuus.  I remembered that she was very young, at least.  Your memory for all these stories is outstanding!

    I was hoping she'd pick up the oblique hint, if she checks back on this thread. I'm not sure how much the OP of this thread will take away from this discussion, but Kristin789 is a semi-regular and she might actually begin to change her thinking if she reads these ideas over and over again.

    Or, the proverbial monkeys might fly...

  • When our DS was 1mo old, we moved from halfway across the country from my IL's to 30mins away.  Not by choice, but DH is military and he has to go where the job is.  We got in past midnight and IL's came early the next morning.  First thing MIL says walking up to me (who she hadn't seen in almost a year) is "Where's the baby???".  That is pretty much the tone of the relationship.  She doesn't care about getting to know me, just wants time with my DS.

    It took DH a long long time to see what his parents were doing wasn't right.  He was dealing with it the way he always has - smile and nod and then do things your own way.  But when IL's become obsessed with your family, it affects your wife and children as well, not just yourself.  MIL would come over once a month in an emotional mess and sob and guilt DH into basically giving into her and taking her side that ***I*** was the one causing all the friction.

    Maybe you could go to counceling together to help him learn how to stand up for your family.  You also need to learn to speak your mind to IL's.  Does't mean you are being mean to them, it means you are standing up for yourself and your family. Just nicely, but firmly state things will happen in xyz way and it's not open for discussion.  Don't let her drag it out or get all dramatic.  If she starts going off on why, then just smile and repeat that it's not open for discussion.  Then change the topic.

    If you and DH do not learn to stand up for yourselves soon, trust me, you will be miserable when baby comes.

    We ended up having to cut DH's parents off b/c despite speaking with them numerous times in numerous ways, they outright refused to respect our boundaries both for us and for DS.  (Like us asking them not to let DS play in the pesticides around their plants - he was teething and his fingers were constantly going in his mouth.)  THey argued with us that the pesticides wouldn't hurt him, etc.  Many more examples, but we couldnt trust them to respect even basic things.

     Also if your DH's way is not to answer the phone, then don't answer it.  My ILs were calling DH 2-4x a day!  Have a standard reply for when you do talk to them "DH/DW and I were spending some time together" or whatever.  Then dont let them discuss it.  It probbaly would be a good idea to sit down and discuss it with them as well if you want to make permanent changes (ie them not call so often, more time for you all as a family, etc).  Good luck!

  • Hoo, no.  Kristin isn't very young at all.  She's closer to our moms' ages than to ours.
  • I really do feel for you on this one!  My MIL also knows no boundaries when it comes to her son and his marriage.  I have nagged my DH, fought with him, and threatened too - it doesn?t go over too well and it tends to lead to resentment on his part towards me.  I finally got the courage to take matters into my own hands.  I called my MIL and confronted her, nicely, on a couple of things and the funny part was that she had absolutely no idea - or at least she pretended like she didn?t.  I really felt a whole lot better about the issues we discussed and when I told my DH, he was supportive and ready for her responses but we heard nothing so I think it is sinking in slowly.  I am still working on the constant phone calls but I agree with one of the comments above that it will probably start to diminish as time goes on.

    In response to her being in the delivery room with you - she has no right if you do not want her there!  Keep standing your ground and take matters into your own hands if your DH refuses to stand up to her!  Remember, since he refuses to take action, he needs to respect the fact that you are allowed to stand up for yourself and your soon to be new family!  Hang in there and good luck!

     

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