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Looking for some encouragement

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Re: Looking for some encouragement

  • How big is your bed?  Seriously, how big? Because a 'full' verses a 'king' makes a difference on the desire for separate beds.  Somehow I think this is about more than the size of your bed- obviously ... but if your living in a Full, you could upgrade to a queen or king. I have a king and love it ... but we seriously have to stretch to reach each other some times.  
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • wow! i never in a million years thought strangers on a message board could have me figured out so well. thanks everyone for being so understanding. it's really awesome to hear. it's not the type of thing that i can just call up my friends and say 'hey give me some marriage advice'. Glaw, you hit the nail on the head. Maybe you should be our therapist. OK, so I am really feeling helpless and like he's completely in control of the situation. And if feels exactly like he's being selfish and not respecting my feelings. I haven't turned on the waterworks for him, but maybe its time. I've been a blubbering mess when I'm alone. I'm glad you all see that this therapist is kind of allowing him to have total control. It's not right. I'm really questioning whether I want to keep seeing her. Why arent my feelings and needs just as important? I do feel ganged up on and like its taking sides. To the person who asked about our bed ... we do have a king. We haven't been cuddling in bed much lately, I miss the little stuff like that alot right now. I've explained to him that these little things are affirmations that I need. I need affirmation that he loves me, b/c there is doubt in my mind. An update for this morning - he didn't come to bed last night :( i went to bed earlier and expected him to come to 'our' bed and i woke up and he was in the guest bedroom. i told him last night that i didn't agree w/ the idea and that i want to at least wait until our next therapy session before doing something like that. i want him to allowing me the chance to give him space in other ways. but he did it anyways. i didn't see him this morning. no good morning kiss. no 'have a nice day, sweetie'. i guess he doesn't want that so i'm not giving it. i don't know what i'm going to do when he calls ... if he calls. he probably will. and we had a really good night together last night, so i don't understand it. God i just want to go *** slap that stupid therapist! haha ... i had to just get that out. if she told him not to do that, that it would hurt the relationship further, he would probably have listened to her.
  • It would be worth your time, IMO, to find a new therapist.  One that you both like and are comfortable with. 

    I think he's not considering your needs whatsoever, and sadly, the therapist isn't either.  Be sure that you're expressing them clearly (maybe taking this thread in to your therapy session would help?).  Your comment about your crying when you're alone, but not in therapy or with your DH, makes me think maybe you haven't been 100% clear with communicating your wants and needs.  That's just a thought, though.

    I'm very sorry that you're going through this.  GL with everything.  I hope it works out for you so that you are being treated the way that you deserve.

  • Ugh, I'm sorry.

    I agree with you, I think it'll make things worse- it seems more like the first step towards moving out than it does the first step towards making things work.

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  • I read your last response. Again, what I see is that you are letting him be in total control of the situation. For example, you write:  OK, so I am really feeling helpless and like he's completely in control of the situation. And if feels exactly like he's being selfish and not respecting my feelings. I haven't turned on the waterworks for him, but maybe its time. If you take control for the things you can do, then you will feel better. Try to do other things to take your mind off the situation at hand. And "turning on the waterworks for him" is just trying to control him and change his feelings.

    You are focusing outside yourself. You feel like if you show him just how much this upsets you, then he'll stop. But that is clearly not the case. He obviously knows you are upset -- you've already talked about it, you're in counseling, you don't want separate beds -- he gets that you are distressed over this. You've explained to him that these little things are affirmations that I need. I need affirmation that he loves me, b/c there is doubt in my mind.  And yet nothing changes. So obviously telling him it is bothering you or crying, is not going to get the results you want.

    Your only true happiness can come from within you and when you feel good about yourself. You are just letting him have too much power over this. Maybe even consider setting an internal deadline. Something like "If I'm not feeling better about our relationship by X date, then I'm going to take Y action." You don't tell him this, but you do it for yourself. It will restore the sense of control and empower you, b/c you will know that you can change the outcome.

    Sitting there and wondering what he's going to do and if he's going to call and if he's going to stay or leave is degrading to you and your sense of self-worth. (i.e. i don't know what i'm going to do when he calls ... if he calls. he probably will. and we had a really good night together last night, so i don't understand it. ) Back off, see a therapist for just you, take time to clear your head and then YOU make a decision about what YOU want. If in 2 months you decide you can't deal with this anymore, you tell him he needs to leave. Or you leave. That way you have control again and are not helpless.

     This is just my suggestion. Just remember this, if nothing else: You are only responsible for your actions and feelings. You can only control yourself (and even that is so difficult to master). You cannot change another person, make him feel things he doesn't or do things he doesn't want to do -- nor should you. You are too valuable to be with someone who doesn't also greatly desire and wish to be with you.

     Good luck and keep us posted. Just keep re-reading what you wrote and see for yourself that you are letting him have too much control over your relationship and ultimately over you.

     

     

    BFP#1 10/17/11, m/c due to SCH 11/21/11 @ 8w4d; BFP#2 2/26/12 - EDD 11/4/12 image BabyFruit Ticker
  • I think you should read over Glaw's responses and really reflect on what she is saying about taking control of yourself and what you want. I ditto everything she has said 200%.
  • I also ditto EVERYTHING Glaw has said to you!

     Stop letting him have so much control.  It's time you put yourself first for once. 

     

    ~Glaw, are you a therapist or something?  If not, girl I think this is your calling.  You definetly know how to put it out there.  I love reading what you respond with.  I find myself shaking my head and saying "yes" when I am reading......lol
     

  • That is such a nice compliment Lilbride. No I'm not a therapist. I'm a lawyer. (which can sometimes feel like therapy haha). Actually I work on myself a lot. It started when I ended a VERY bad one-sided relationship several years ago (some of it similar to OPs where he was calling all the shots). I sought counseling after our break up. The counseling continued long after I was over the break up. One of the best things I've ever done. It made me look at life in such a different way. I've never been the same. Of course, finding the right therapist is key, so is being ready for a change.

     

    BFP#1 10/17/11, m/c due to SCH 11/21/11 @ 8w4d; BFP#2 2/26/12 - EDD 11/4/12 image BabyFruit Ticker
  • Have you discussed with your counselor the subject of whether or not its a good idea to get into these talks outside of therapy? I'm not so sure it is. These are tough subjects and the point of therapy is to have a mediator.

    That said, try to look at things from his perspective instead of letting your feelings get hurt. He's trying to work through things, which says a lot. It sounds like he's feeling like he's gotten into a rut with appreciating you and your relationship and is trying to come up with something to deal with that.

    image
  • If he's not feeling the love, sleeping in separate bedrooms certainly won't increase that feeling of love and closeness.  It's winter time, keep each other warm and use the cuddle sessions to whisper sweet words into the other's ear.  Tell him something you appreciate about him, even if it's really small.  Or ask if he wants to trade back rubs.  Try to get creative with it. 

     

    It is obviously much deeper between you two, the issues needing worked out, but maybe also it wouldn't help for you two to put aside focusing on your faults with one another...and instead get playful and adventurous by doing something you might not have thought of yet like...not talking about counseling outside of counseling.  When you're at home, focus on making each other happy at home.  Go on walks... quiet ones if you want, just holding hands.  Sometimes the best moments are when you're just being silent and intimate without clouding it over with too much discussion.  

     

    He may feel bombarded by all of this talk, and as a result you might feel pushed away by not enough attention.  Start simple, and work from there.

    BEST WISHES.

     If you both want to work it out and stay together, that's a mighty fine start.  Don't put too much thought into what you think you're doing wrong, just try to be someone you would like to be around and use the "alone time" to work on doing things that you like too when he needs his space.  That way you'll have new things to share with what you've learned about on your own time...and maybe he will too and that way it will feel like the similar spark you felt when dating, only more exciting at the end of the day because you're actually husband and wife. 
     

     

    :) 

  • I'm so sorry you guys are going through a tough time.  Personally, I think any big changes to the sleeping arrangement should be run by your therapist, first.  He/she knows what's really going on between you two and should be able to give you some insight on whether or not that would help.  But it really sounds to me like your DH is trying.  Some men won't even take the time to come up with ideas to save their marriage.  Some will refuse to go to counseling.  It sounds like he is at least attempting to communicate, which is always good.  Men are an entirely different species, as far as I'm concerned.  Good luck to you both.

  • you don't ALWAYS have to sleep separate,. what about a compromise of one or 2 nights a week?

     

    also I recommend a book called the couple's comfort book. there are a lot of exercises and stuff in there that can be done to help with reconnecting.

  • if you dont feel heard by your therapist, you need to find another one!! my family is in mental health (which means i should be certifiable ;-) and i have brought my df to therapy to iron out some things before we got engaged. you both need to at least feel like it is a level playing field while you are in that room. even if you find a seperate therapist to talk to alone, that is better than going along for his ride.

     i am really sorry you are going through this. the past posts are right, there are all kinds of love and stages of love. hopefully you two get back to good. life with a partner is a negotiation... but you can't force someone to do something. much luck and good wishes.

     

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