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need advice, DH coming home drunk

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Re: need advice, DH coming home drunk

  • image Rock_Lobster:
    image Mel5983:

    Just to clear the air....is your DH drinking every day? You never did say how often he is getting sloppy drunk. Is he more of a binge drinker? Everyone is assuming he is an alcoholic from some of the things you said. I get that you said you don't understand why he can't stop after 1 or two drinks but is that everyday??

    I don't think that it matters if he is physically addicted to alcohol or if he drinks every day. People tend to use the word "alcoholic" to describe anyone who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He may not actually be an alcoholic, but he certainly abuses alcohol and is either unwilling or unable to stop in spite of the impact that it is having on his life.

    He doesn't know when to quit, he makes terrible decisions related to his alcohol consumption and he continues to do it even though he knows that it is adversely affecting his home life. No matter what you call it, he has a drinking problem. 

    I agree that he has a drinking problem but I was asking how often he drinks because there is a huge difference between being an alcoholic and having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I was trying to get a better idea of what exactly she is dealing with. IF he is drinking everyday she has a much bigger problem than if he is drinking once a month. I wasn't in anyway trying to sugar coat his drinking.

  • image liza0828:
    image Mel5983:

    Just to clear the air....is your DH drinking every day? You never did say how often he is getting sloppy drunk. Is he more of a binge drinker? Everyone is assuming he is an alcoholic from some of the things you said. I get that you said you don't understand why he can't stop after 1 or two drinks but is that everyday??

    You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic.  This is a common misconception.

    I suggest the OP go to the following website:

    http://www.alcoholscreening.org/

    Where in my post did I say that he wasn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink everyday? Or where did I imply that? I know all about alcoholism. I have been going to alanon since I was in 4th grade due to an alcoholic father. Also, my ex was an alcoholic. I was asking her how often he drinks because I was trying to give her the best advice that I could from my experience. Thanks! Big Smile

  • image Mel5983:
    image liza0828:
    image Mel5983:

    Just to clear the air....is your DH drinking every day? You never did say how often he is getting sloppy drunk. Is he more of a binge drinker? Everyone is assuming he is an alcoholic from some of the things you said. I get that you said you don't understand why he can't stop after 1 or two drinks but is that everyday??

    You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic.  This is a common misconception.

    I suggest the OP go to the following website:

    http://www.alcoholscreening.org/

    Where in my post did I say that he wasn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink everyday? Or where did I imply that? I know all about alcoholism. I have been going to alanon since I was in 4th grade due to an alcoholic father. Also, my ex was an alcoholic. I was asking her how often he drinks because I was trying to give her the best advice that I could from my experience. Thanks! Big Smile

    Your entire post pretty much implied that if he didn't drink every day that he wasn't an alchoholic and that people could be jumping to conclusions.

  • image casmgn:
    Oh and living in Belmar, your husband WILL kill or seriously injure someone one day.  That town gets packed in the summer, and one day he's not going to be so lucky to make it home safely.  Hopefully before that point the police will catch him and throw him in jail.

    Indeed Belmar is packed in the summer.

    And so are the surrounding summertime towns: Point Pleasant Beach, Brielle, Spring Lake and Manasquan, to name only a few.

     

  • image casmgn:
    image Mel5983:
    image liza0828:
    image Mel5983:

    Just to clear the air....is your DH drinking every day? You never did say how often he is getting sloppy drunk. Is he more of a binge drinker? Everyone is assuming he is an alcoholic from some of the things you said. I get that you said you don't understand why he can't stop after 1 or two drinks but is that everyday??

    You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic.  This is a common misconception.

    I suggest the OP go to the following website:

    http://www.alcoholscreening.org/

    Where in my post did I say that he wasn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink everyday? Or where did I imply that? I know all about alcoholism. I have been going to alanon since I was in 4th grade due to an alcoholic father. Also, my ex was an alcoholic. I was asking her how often he drinks because I was trying to give her the best advice that I could from my experience. Thanks! Big Smile

    Your entire post pretty much implied that if he didn't drink every day that he wasn't an alchoholic and that people could be jumping to conclusions.

    Haha, you didn't read my post correctly. I was asking how often he drinks because she never did mention how often this happens. I was NOT implying at ALL that he was not an alcoholic nor was I assuming that he IS. The things she said do imply that he has an issue with alcohol. I wanted to know how often this man is drinking. How is that implying that he isn't an alcoholic? She never mentioned how often this is happening so how would anyone know he is or isn't an alcoholic?? NOT saying he isn't, though! It is obvious that he has issues with alcohol, that does not mean he is or isn't an alcoholic. I will not argue over this. I was giving the woman advice that she was asking for. I have been in her shoes and it's not fun. I am sorry if you felt offended by something I said or annoyed but I was not referring to anything anyone else was saying. I was simply asking a question to better understand the situation.

  • image casmgn:
    image Mel5983:
    image liza0828:
    image Mel5983:

    Just to clear the air....is your DH drinking every day? You never did say how often he is getting sloppy drunk. Is he more of a binge drinker? Everyone is assuming he is an alcoholic from some of the things you said. I get that you said you don't understand why he can't stop after 1 or two drinks but is that everyday??

    You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic.  This is a common misconception.

    I suggest the OP go to the following website:

    http://www.alcoholscreening.org/

    Where in my post did I say that he wasn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink everyday? Or where did I imply that? I know all about alcoholism. I have been going to alanon since I was in 4th grade due to an alcoholic father. Also, my ex was an alcoholic. I was asking her how often he drinks because I was trying to give her the best advice that I could from my experience. Thanks! Big Smile

    Your entire post pretty much implied that if he didn't drink every day that he wasn't an alchoholic and that people could be jumping to conclusions.

    And just to be fair here, she never did mention how often he drinks so that is exactly what happened. A lot of the posts are implying that he is an alcoholic without even knowing all the details about the situation. I am not saying he is or isn't and alcoholic mainly because WE don't know the entire story.

    Bottom line is I wasn't implying anything in my post. I was really just trying to get a little more information

  • You need to rein him in and set him straight. Tell him that his behavior is not acceptable as a husband and a father. Also, that you are no longer going to put up with it.

    He is disrespecting you by putting you through this. You should not have to put up with nor should you be a parent to him and your baby daughter. He should not have those negative influences in his life nor should you allow that guy to come over or for your husband to see him.

    Set restrictions (such as only allowed to go out once a month with the guys and has to be home by midnight) until he regains your trust. If he can?t seem to adhere to those rules then, here is the hard part, pack your bags and spend the next night at your parent?s or his parents.

    Every time he drives home drunk or stays out too late, you and your daughter leave. He will get the point that you will not put up with him partying anymore. He will eventually feel so bad that he won?t want to disappoint you again.

    Explain to him how disappointing his actions are to you. You can do it!!! It?s hard but think about how much happier you will be once you don?t have to wake up at 2 a.m. wondering if he made it home safe or if he?s passed out in the bathroom again.

    I don?t have a daughter, but my DH started similar behavior when we were first engaged and I spent 6 tough months putting an end to it. His older brother was the same way and never changed...that is a other post though. I really hope that this helps!!! Good luck & you can do it! For your sake and the sake of your family.

  • If alcohol is having a negative influence on your life and on the lives of your loved ones, then you have a drinking problem.

     

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    If alcohol is having a negative influence on your life and on the lives of your loved ones, then you have a drinking problem.

     

    Agree 200%

  • image casmgn:
    Ditto pp, I would not raise a child or stay in that environment.  At the very least, you need to separate until your H goes to AA and shows he is serious about becoming sober.  You should also go to Al-Anon. 
    Agreed.
  • What made you think he would change? 
  • My DH is a network engineer, so he'll do some overnight upgrades from time to time.  He was doing some work overnight in the next state over when our DS was about 6 months old.  About a 2-hour drive, all highway.  At about 2am, he was driving home and although nobody else was on the road to pass, he suddenly felt the urge to switch lanes.  A moment later, a drunk driver going about 70 mph drove past him in the lane he switched from...going the wrong way

     

    I could have lost my wonderful husband that night, he would have lost his life, and our beautiful son would have never known him if he didn't make that arbitrary decision to switch lanes.  But, someone else lost their husband and their father that night.  My DH was so frightened that he had to pull over and catch his breath.  Her car was going so fast that it literally shook his car when she passed him going the wrong way.  He had no time to call 911 before another person was killed.  That was another man with a family.  The drunk driver was a 24 y/o woman who actually lived through it.

     

    I just wanted share that with you, because if you don't stick to this plan, it is very very likely that this could happen to you.  It happens just about every day, I am sure.

  • image Boobarella:

    My DH is a network engineer, so he'll do some overnight upgrades from time to time.  He was doing some work overnight in the next state over when our DS was about 6 months old.  About a 2-hour drive, all highway.  At about 2am, he was driving home and although nobody else was on the road to pass, he suddenly felt the urge to switch lanes.  A moment later, a drunk driver going about 70 mph drove past him in the lane he switched from...going the wrong way

     

    I could have lost my wonderful husband that night, he would have lost his life, and our beautiful son would have never known him if he didn't make that arbitrary decision to switch lanes.  But, someone else lost their husband and their father that night.  My DH was so frightened that he had to pull over and catch his breath.  Her car was going so fast that it literally shook his car when she passed him going the wrong way.  He had no time to call 911 before another person was killed.  That was another man with a family.  The drunk driver was a 24 y/o woman who actually lived through it.

     

    I just wanted share that with you, because if you don't stick to this plan, it is very very likely that this could happen to you.  It happens just about every day, I am sure.

     Crikeys, Boobarella: somebody was sure watching out for your H that day.

    The OP should start taking responsibility: she's apparently not even concerned he is driving impaired. And I'm sure this nice friend of his is drinking quite a lot, too: no designated driver there, I am sure.

    It's time for the OP to make it clear It's the alcohol or me and our daughter. A father with a drinking problem is no father at all: she'll grow up with "two dads": a sober dad and a dad well under the influence.

    His drinking will also predispose her to an addictive personality.

     

  • I don't know if anyone is actually reading this anymore but I have to say I understand where she is coming from.  My DH was an alcoholic.  He did get a DUI and had his lisence suspended for 3 years.  He blew a .081 when he was arested.  This was before we were married and only dating.  DH moved in with me about 5 months later and was still out drinking a lot with his bachlor buddies.  I gave DH an altimatum.  You either quit coming home drunk and waking me up or move the hell out.  He quit drinking.  Yes he still is an alcoholic.  Yes he still does not know when to stop at just 1 when we go out unless we take his car because he has an ignition interlock device on his car.  He forgets when he goes out that he doesn't drink anymore so he cannot down them and act like he used to 4 years ago but he doesn't know how to stop at 1 or 2.  Its part of being an alcoholic.  We just choose to not hang out in bars or environments where this will be a problem.  It does get easier as time goes on.  But because of his DUI he had to go through 6 months of out patient rehab, Ignition interlock for 2 years after he got his lisence back and thousands of dollars in fines.  When all is said and done he will have spent probably 20K because of the fact that he was hanging out with the wrong person and had 2 drinks before getting behind the wheel.  Yes I believe that he only had 2 drinks because of the bar he was at.  They are the equivalant of 3 drinks at a reqular bar.

    A man can change but he has to want to.  My DH wanted to change.  We will always have to fight the alcoholism but as long as he stays away from the posion we are good.  I wish you the best of luck and hope that my story shows you there is hope but consequinces as well.

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  • No, you are not over-reacting. This is a major problem!

    Start going to Al-Anon.

    You need to talk to hubby and get a handle on this. I don't see him changing his behavior without some deep soulsearching. Also try to gear your finances for the future when he does lose his license or ends up in jail for killing someone. Because it's going to happen. He isn't 10 foot tall and bullet proof.?If he cares about his kid he needs to show it now by cleaning up the act.

    ?This pal who thinks it's fine to smoke pot in front of kids? He needs to be banned from your house if he is going to bring drugs w him. It's your child's house and you as mother has the right to insist on this!?

    Good luck, stick to your guns on this issue. The drunk driving HAS to stop, the druggie pal needs to be avoided. I'd not issue any ultimatums on who hubby can socialize with unless you are ready to back it up, but you do have the right to say who/what can be in your home around your child!

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