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Interesting to my post about ILs and how long they stay?

My MIL just emailed me to see if I could find flights any better than what she has found? ?WTF, she's home for a snow day, find your own damn flights. ?Don't have any say on how long you're staying so do whatever the hell you want. ?Sorry ladies this is what I want to email her and thought I should bite my tongue. ?Thanks for listening to me bit*& abt ILs.

Re: Interesting to my post about ILs and how long they stay?

  • I think you should look for flights... but that you should find her a flight for the length of stay you feel would be appropriate.

     

  • image ictoana:

    I think you should look for flights... but that you should find her a flight for the length of stay you feel would be appropriate.

    I agree!

  • better yet, email her and ask for her credit card info and when you find the best deal you will go ahead and book it for her.  that way she cant change the plans without the huge fees!

  • image ictoana:

    I think you should look for flights... but that you should find her a flight for the length of stay you feel would be appropriate.

     

    Ditto!

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image ictoana:

    I think you should look for flights... but that you should find her a flight for the length of stay you feel would be appropriate.

    BRILLIANT!

  • image ictoana:

    I think you should look for flights... but that you should find her a flight for the length of stay you feel would be appropriate.

    ?

    ?

    There would be hell to pay. ?I wish.?

  • You ladies need to do a sit down/intervention w/my DH and set him straight. ?Thanks ladies for making me feel better.
  • Can I tell her I just don't have time? ?I really do but she doesn't know that.
  • DH's dad will do this to him.  He wants to do X, which actually doesn't have anything to do w/ us, but because we live in Baltimore, he'll ask DH to try and find out some piece of info that he could JUST AS EASILY find himself....
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Call and tell her that you don't have the time, but that unless she plans on staying Thurs-Sun, that she will need to book a hotel as well.

    Yes, we were being flip about the flight booking, but if you don't like the constant visits, then you need to come to a solution with your DH. 

    My thought is that your dh doesn't want the controntation, so you can call your MIL and say "sorry, I don't have the time to reserve flights for you, you'll have to do it on your own.  However, DH and I spoke and said that from now on we can't have guests for more than a Long weekend.  That's Thursday to Sunday, or Sat until Tuesday.  Please keep that in mind when arranging your flights."

    I would also say - make your dh in charge of EVERYTHING when they come.  He will look forward to their visits less if he has to do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, finding guest towels, entertaining, etc.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image Wahoo:

    Call and tell her that you don't have the time, but that unless she plans on staying Thurs-Sun, that she will need to book a hotel as well.

    Yes, we were being flip about the flight booking, but if you don't like the constant visits, then you need to come to a solution with your DH.?

    My thought is that your dh doesn't want the controntation, so you can call your MIL and say "sorry, I don't have the time to reserve flights for you, you'll have to do it on your own.? However, DH and I spoke and said that from now on we can't have guests for more than a Long weekend.? That's Thursday to Sunday, or Sat until Tuesday.? Please keep that in mind when arranging your flights."

    I would also say - make your dh in charge of EVERYTHING when they come.? He will look forward to their visits less if he has to do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, finding guest towels, entertaining, etc.

    ?

    Crap, can I do that since I stay @ home. ?What the hell is wrong w/me? ?I use to have a very large backbone but seems like these days it's shorter. ?So should I just tell her I don't have time?

    unknown.gif

  • image Sara&Keith:

    Crap, can I do that since I stay @ home.  What the hell is wrong w/me?  I use to have a very large backbone but seems like these days it's shorter.  So should I just tell her I don't have time?

    unknown.gif

    So what if you stay at home?  You stay at home to make your life with DH easier - not to serve as a travel agent for your ILS!!!  So yes, you don't have time.  Even if you spend your time polishing your nails - - its YOUR time to spend, not hers!

    As for getting your H to do more when they are around, if he can't take off for their visits, there is no reason for them to come.  You don't like hanging around with them (at least for extended visits), so why are they there?  Tell your dh that there is extra work above and beyond what the normal housework is, and he'll have to help out.  Yes, send him grocery shopping and cooking.  Shopping, cooking, and cleaning for 4 (or more) is harder than doing all of those things for 2. 

     If anything, arrange to "get out" while they are around - see friends, etc.  Tell your hubby you know since he is taken care of and has his family to keep him company, you'll use the time to see your pals.

    I really think you need to have a sit down with your H about this.   I stay at home as well, but it's my home too!  No way would ILS be seeing us if I weren't ok with it.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Why don't you have any say in how long they stay?  As long as you see yourself as powerless, you remain powerless.  Asking for help to book the flight is the perfect opportunity to discuss your preferences with her.

    I think you're so steaming mad that you can't trust yourself to not sound bitter and angry.  All you need is a simple, "I am so looking forward to your trip.  The kids get so much out of it.  Arriving on Thursday is great, but a return flight for Sunday is best.  That would be great."  If she presses for a reason just say the truth - "we love having you and you are such a great sport with the tight quarters, but 4 days is better than 6.  The kids need to get back on their routine when DH goes back to work."

    It might not work. She might press and press and then book whenever she wants.  But she MIGHT listen.  In fact, she probably will.  I see her asking a lot and getting you involved, too. Not saying anything is your own fault.  You're imagining it as some horribly uncomfortable conversation - but it doesn't have to be.  It can just be a conversation.      

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image livinitup:

    Why don't you have any say in how long they stay?? As long as you see yourself as powerless, you remain powerless.? Asking for help to book the flight is the perfect opportunity to discuss your preferences with her.

    I think you're so steaming mad that you can't trust yourself to not sound bitter and angry.? All you need is a simple, "I am so looking forward to your trip.? The kids get so much out of it.? Arriving on Thursday is great, but a return flight for Sunday is best.? That would be great."? If she presses for a reason just say the truth - "we love having you and you are such a great sport with the tight quarters, but 4 days is better than 6.? The kids need to get back on their routine when DH goes back to work."

    It might not work. She might press and press and then book whenever she wants.? But she MIGHT listen.? In fact, she probably will.? I see her asking a lot and getting you involved, too. Not saying anything is your own fault.? You're imagining it as some horribly uncomfortable conversation - but it doesn't have to be.? It can just be a conversation.? ?? ?

    ?

    I know, I wonder when I became spineless :0. ?It's just soooo much easier keeping the peace.?

  • But you're not keeping the peace.  You are angry and resentful. An angry and resentful person.  Now, and looking forward to these visits.

    You are checking out, for sure. Emotionally checking-out.  Saying "fine!" and not feeling that it is fine at all.  That is not peaceful.  Not even close.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • How is MIL going to know if/when you read the email?

    Just don't respond.?

  • image livinitup:

    But you're not keeping the peace.? You are angry and resentful. An angry and resentful person.? Now, and looking forward to these visits.

    You are checking out, for sure. Emotionally checking-out.? Saying "fine!" and not feeling that it is fine at all.? That is not peaceful.? Not even close.

    ?

    I'm just tired of fighting the fight and you are right. ?I need a much needed me time. ?I love going to the grocery store @ the 1st of the month. ?How sad is that??

  • image brainie:

    How is MIL going to know if/when you read the email?

    Just don't respond.?

    ?

    I didn't, I moved it to spam.

    unknown.gif

  • image Sara&Keith:

    I'm just tired of fighting the fight and you are right.  I need a much needed me time.  I love going to the grocery store @ the 1st of the month.  How sad is that? 

    When you are looking forward to the grocery store to get 'me time' you need a break.

    You have a spine, reach around to your back and feel it (it is the little bumpy thing that runs from your neck to your butt).  Now take this opportunity to tell your MIL AND your DH that if she wants to stay for a week she needs to find somewhere else to sleep.  You can do it nicely... but you need to be firm.  Remember people are only going to get away with what you allow them to get away with. 

    Now go, be strong, and remember your happiness and sanity matters too.

  • Oh and one more thing... schedule a massage or a mani/pedi for yourself next week.  Do something that is going to give you a little break that gives you a little pampering. 

    It is not evil, and it is OK to spoil yourself a little bit. 

  • image ictoana:

    Oh and one more thing... schedule a massage or a mani/pedi for yourself next week.? Do something that is going to give you a little break that gives you a little pampering.?

    It is not evil, and it is OK to spoil yourself a little bit.?

    ?

    Thank you, I'll probably schedule a mani b/c I'm going to soak off these nails of mine and save a little money.;)?

  • I don't understand why you would possibly ignore an opportunity to let her know what works best for you, SHE is actually giving you the chance to help set the boundaries for this visit.  Since you actually do have the time, choose a few options for a short visit, email her the flight schedules & plan an outing with your girlfriends while she is in town so you will have free childcare!  Enjoy the visit, make it on your terms as well  & stop complaining. Tell your DH how it will work best for all of you.  Otherwise, I think you are just contributing to the problem.
  • image Sara&Keith:
    image livinitup:

    But you're not keeping the peace.  You are angry and resentful. An angry and resentful person.  Now, and looking forward to these visits.

    You are checking out, for sure. Emotionally checking-out.  Saying "fine!" and not feeling that it is fine at all.  That is not peaceful.  Not even close.

     

    I'm just tired of fighting the fight and you are right.  I need a much needed me time.  I love going to the grocery store @ the 1st of the month.  How sad is that? 

     

    Okay, having MIL stay until Tuesday is just too much.  I totally get that.  You are a SAHM, so there is this whole expectation that she can just hang out with you fo an extra two days.  Fun for her.  Got that.  What I don't get is what your H is arguing about.  He "wants" her to stay through Tuesday - you say it's too much on you ... and he says, ??, what does he say?

    Is he taking Monday and Tuesday off from work?  It's HIS mother.  Is he doing anything to make the extended visit work?  I just don't get what you're fighting about. Does he just expect to dump this on you and you should do it?  Do you? Could you elaborate on that a bit?    

    And the point about liking food shopping - I HEAR YOU.  That's a huge red flag that you don't give yourself permission to do things for yourself.  Food shopping might be a welcome break (I bet the kids don't come with you) but it is NOT a break. 

    My sister used to love food shopping on Saturdays becuase her husband watched the kids and she went out by herself to shop.  She gave herself "permission" to leave the kids with dad because it was for the family ... but it was a sad, short-lived break.  And a piss-poor break at that.  I encouraged her and she eventually prevailed at having a few hours a week without the kids to do her own thing.  Soul-enriching things like meeting a friend for lunch or coffee, cruising the book store, or runing errands.  Sometimes it was her husband, sometimes a day-time babysitter, and sometimes a relative.  But it was a big step.  And it really improved her spirit as a mom and wife.  Just a little time made a huge difference for the rest of the week.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Is he taking Monday and Tuesday off from work?  It's HIS mother.  Is he doing anything to make the extended visit work?  I just don't get what you're fighting about. Does he just expect to dump this on you and you should do it?  Do you? Could you elaborate on that a bit?    

    -Livinitup

    I just wanted to echo this a thousand times over.  Dh invited his mother out for "two or three weeks" and she came for one week and then got upset and rebooked her flight to leave early.  It was a miserable experience that resulted in a year of marriage counseling for me and dh.

    A large part of the problem was that dh invited his difficult/mentally ill mother out (not to imply that your MIL is the same) out to visit, but then just dumped her on me.  He went to work.  He was the big bad ass trial lawyer (sorry Sunsh1ne, the judge set a trial after mama booked her visit and I CAN'T get out of it) and then I was stuck with her that full week - until she left.

    Even though you stay at home, this is HIS mother and his responsibility.  He wants her to stay on Monday and Tuesday?  You get to say that's too long.  You get to say, okay - on the condition you, dh, take Monday and Tuesday off to entertain mommy dearest.

    I believe it is completely unreasonable for your dh to expect that you entertain his mother while he goes to work.  For us, dh takes charge with his dad, because his dad is a nice person/normal and with appropriate boundaries.  That works.  After the last visit, I have insisted that he must take the lead with his mother also.

    If you are uncomfortable with the visit extending through Mon and Tues, you get to say so.  If you would be okay (or willing to live with it) through Mon and Tues - on the condition dh takes those days off to entertain his mommy - yout get to say so.  It may create WWIII (for us, it took a year of marriage counseling to get through this stuff), but you need to be able to talk with/negotiate with your husband regarding this issue. 

    Don't just cave to keep the peace.  You get to have preferences and express them. 

  • At least use your MIL as free child care and ditch everyone and do things on your own.  Tell MIL "I"m going out, have fun with the kids" and go have lunch with a friend, go to the movies.  Disappear for the afternoon!   Come back late and order in pizza for the family (or make your own, if you have a budget!).

    My feeling is that you are playing hostess (when you really don't want to), making her vists fun and comfortable.  if your MIL walks away from a trip with you feeling used and deserted, maybe she won't rebook another trip sometime soon.

    Or maybe she will, but it's because she loves spending time with her grandkids.  And you'll be more ok with that - because you'll get time off.

    Oh, and if she pouts about how she was left alone, that wasn't fun for her, tell her that her trip really didn't come at a convenient time, so sorry...and do it again next time, and next time.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I still want to know where your husband is on all of this.  He wants his mom to stay for two extra days -- why?  Is he taking off work and playing host, or does he have an expectation that as a SAHM, part of your job is playing hostess even when you've been very clear that you aren't comfortable with it, you don't enjoy it, and it's very stressful for you?  Why does it fall to you to have to tell her no, or to stay in a hotel, or go home on Sunday?

    I don't think you'd be wrong to say calmly to your husband, "Look, we need to have a discussion and come to a joint consensus about what works best for our family in terms of hosting guests, and it has to be something all of us are comfortable and happy with." 

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • My ILs were here for 3 months out of my sons first 6 months of life. I hated every minute of it. I am having trouble forgiving DH for disregarding my wishes.?
  • image ictoana:

    I think you should look for flights... but that you should find her a flight for the length of stay you feel would be appropriate.

    ?

    ?

    Exactly. This is a golden opportunity! There is no better way to say one week is enough than these flights. ?

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/25tkpp2.jpg[/IMG]

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