Family Matters
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Follow up to: After 7 years we discover a daughter?

After 7 years we discover a daughter?

Me & my husband have been together for 7 years, married for 3. On monday 1/12/09 he found out that he probably has a 10 year old daughter. He ran into the mom in a gas station & she told him that her daughter is not her ex husband's. She told her now ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) that she was his kid & he had no reason to doubt it. So he raised her for 6 years, but then when they divorced he wanted paternity tests for all 3 of the kids & it turned out she wasn't his child. 

We ordered a paternity test, but results aren't in yet. 

We got a few pictures of her & she looks just like him & his sister when they were that age. So we are pretty sure she is his kid. He & this woman never had a relationship, they had sex maybe 3 times. She doesn't want child support & is not demanding. If anything she is sorry for disrupting our lives. I like kids but never wanted to have a baby.  I don't like the idea of being pregnant, no sleep, puke & poop & crying.  But the idea of a 10 year old is exciting b/c I'm a big kid myself.  I am so scared!  I don't have any experience with kids, I'm an only child & I not many of my friends have kids. I'm so scared to mess up, or have her hate me.  Please list any advise you have.  All is welcome!

 

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1/27/09

Test results came back last night. We now have a 10 year old daughter/step-daughter.  We both want to dive in & get to know her, but I'm afraid of comming on too strong. I think he's scared too.  The DD is really happy to now know the truth. Any advise for a new blended family?

Re: Follow up to: After 7 years we discover a daughter?

  • Don't rush into it.  Slowly build a relationship, and don't force a parent role immediately.

    Re-read all the advice that was given to you in your first post.

  • I know there is a Blended Families Nest board, but I don't know the link.  I'm sure someone else can provide it for you.

    I do want to say that even though the mom doesn't want child support, that your H has an obligation to provide some financial support for this child going forward.  I also think it would be in his best interests to get a custody order worked out now so everything is in writing and he is protected against future action the mom might take.  

  • image ictoana:

    Don't rush into it.  Slowly build a relationship, and don't force a parent role immediately.

    Re-read all the advice that was given to you in your first post.

    And ditto this.  Your DH might want to consider seeing a family counselor to discuss with them how to best approach this situation. 

  • Be patient and take things slow as this will be a slow process. This can be a frightening experience. As long as you understand that things will not change overnite - you will be fine. Encourage her to always feel comfortable to come to you for anything. A new relationship is forming so good luck to you.
  • The blended families board is technically a bump board. The link is:

    http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4236701/ShowForum.aspx

    I'm pretty sure there are a few women on there who learned about the kids later on like you, possibly after marriage. I met SD when she was 2, and DH knew about her, so I don't have much advice or experiences to share. It's a great board though

  • We were in a similar situation... I replied to your post via the Blended Families board :)
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  • Did you contact an attorney yet?  To sort out your legal and financial obligations and rights?
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Are you going to be supporting the child financially?  If so, how?  How much?  Cash to the mom, a check?  Does mom get to decide how to spend the money?  Are are just just going to buy the child things?  Help with rent? Sports, activities?  Is this going to be a set amount or as things pop up?  When mom asks? Are you keeping a record?  Will you agree to this amount?  Does providing money have any legal ramifications?  What if mom says no and you want to buy something for the child anyway?  What about her siblings, the ones not related to you?  Are you going to forge a relationship with them?  Not at all, a little, a lot?  When you take her out for icecream, do they get icecream, too?  Will she have a college fund?  Will mom contribute, too?  Do the things you buy stay at your home, or can she bring them back and forth?  Are you settign up space for her in your home?  What is your goal for visitation?  How long? How often?  Where?  Overnight? Holidays?  With siblings or friends?   

    Does the child know that she is not the biological child of the man she has called dad?  Does she want a new father?  Do you have a good family therapist specializing in blended families to help you sort it out?

    Have you thought through any of this? 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image casmgn:

    I know there is a Blended Families Nest board, but I don't know the link.  I'm sure someone else can provide it for you.

    I do want to say that even though the mom doesn't want child support, that your H has an obligation to provide some financial support for this child going forward.  I also think it would be in his best interests to get a custody order worked out now so everything is in writing and he is protected against future action the mom might take.  

    I agree.  Proceed with caution.  If mom doesn't want any child support maybe get that in writing so she can't sue him for support when the girl was young.  You may also want to consider setting up a personal account that you guys still put money into for the girl.  So you can provide for her if mom can't.  Like say buy her prom dress one day, or help her go to college or buy a car.  You may also want to discuss how to parent her with MOM if she's cool with talking to both of you. I know you both are excited to be parents, BUT Mom just raised since birth and may feel she gets certain rights over your H.  Even if you are all friends you may still want to legally do it.

     

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