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bridesmaid cant afford dress

I found this bridesmaids dress for $140 and was told by one bridesmaid she can not afford it and the flight out to my wedding (one state to another). I have now found another dress for $100. She is my sister-in-law and I really want her in the wedding but I had to move my wedding from June to July as she is a teacher and can not get the time off. How can I communicate to her it's one of these dresses or your not in the wedding...any advise??
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Re: bridesmaid cant afford dress

  • Ummmm don't ruin a relationship with future SIL over a BM dress.

    Ask her what she CAN afford and maybe you can chip in to help her out. It's probably already embarassing for her to have to tell you she cannot afford it...don't make matters worse...by uninviting her to stand up with you...that would just stink of BRIDEZILLA!

  • image MommyLiberty5013:

    Ummmm don't ruin a relationship with future SIL over a BM dress.

    Ask her what she CAN afford and maybe you can chip in to help her out. It's probably already embarassing for her to have to tell you she cannot afford it...don't make matters worse...by uninviting her to stand up with you...that would just stink of BRIDEZILLA!

    Ditto this 

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  • image nascargirl3858:
    I found this bridesmaids dress for $140 and was told by one bridesmaid she can not afford it and the flight out to my wedding (one state to another). I have now found another dress for $100. She is my sister-in-law and I really want her in the wedding but I had to move my wedding from June to July as she is a teacher and can not get the time off. How can I communicate to her it's one of these dresses or your not in the wedding...any advise??


    Why not give all the ladies a color swatch of the color dress you want and let them pick on their own?

    Easy for you and relatively inexpensive for them: they buy what they can afford.

    She can find something for far less than $100 --- trust me on this one.

    Give the ladies basic "requirements" what you want the dress to have: "Any dress of your choice from anywhere you want to buy it; just make sure it is full length and nothing low cut or glitzy" for example.
  • Quite personally I think that if you require someone to wear a uniform(certain dress) to your wedding then you should be the one paying for it. I don't understand why people think that the guests should pay for dresses that they probably will never use again.

     I agree with the poster above who said not to ruin your relationship over a dress.  

  • Did you ask your sister in law how much she could afford for a dress?  If you didn't, then you're in the wrong.  Ask her.  Work with her.  She's you sister in law and will be your family long after the silly hoopla of the wedding is over.  Respect her budget and her feelings.
  • image PrincessVegan:

    Quite personally I think that if you require someone to wear a uniform(certain dress) to your wedding then you should be the one paying for it. I don't understand why people think that the guests should pay for dresses that they probably will never use again.

     I agree with the poster above who said not to ruin your relationship over a dress.  

    same here.  I never understood that.
  • Other suggestions:

    Change the color of the dresses to something readily available off rack (black, black with a touch of white, navy blue, deep grey) and tell them "The dress is black; full length, nothing low cut or with a lot of shiny bling." They can wear what they already have. Your BM pays nothing for a new dress. She should have a black dress in her wardrobe; everybody does. All she'll need to do is add jewelry and whatever she likes to dress it up for the occasion. You can't beat a deal like that.

    Or pick one main color --- example, a deep purple --- and give the ladies a color swatch. tell them "Any gown in this color family. That means you can pick anything deeper or anything lighter than the purple that is on this swatch."

    You'd have an array of shades of purple (or whatever color you choose) and that's something unique and different.

    If she doesn't like any of the options you've chosen -- she still fusses after you say "the dress is black" or whatever you tell her, then maybe she ought to step down. YOu can have 2 guys escort 1 lady; I did it at my wedding....because I had BMs drop out.
  • It's YOUR WEDDING! I would ask her to participate in another area where she doesn't have to purchase a new outfit. Maybe an usher or she could be your lady in waiting, something so she won't feel left out. Seems like you have made several changes already to accomodate her,so she shouldn't be upset.

  • image LaLovely:

    It's YOUR WEDDING! I would ask her to participate in another area where she doesn't have to purchase a new outfit. Maybe an usher or she could be your lady in waiting, something so she won't feel left out. Seems like you have made several changes already to accomodate her,so she shouldn't be upset.

    FFS, no.  NO.  It's never okay to be a self-involved twit.  And lady in waiting?  Ain't nobody in this world is worthy of that nonsense anymore.   Brides aren't princesses and I think a princess who can't do anything for herself is pretty worthless anyway.

  • I picked a color and the length I wanted my Bridesmaids to wear, then they picked a dress style that fit each of them. I approved all dresses in the end. As for my SIL found it was easier to make a special job for her. She read a Jewish poem to represent my husbands faith. She wore the same color as my girls, but was able to buy something on her own. That way if it doesn't match exactly then it didn't matter. The fact is this is your day. It doesn't make you selfish or mean to stick to a vision you have. They will have a chance to have the wedding they want, this is your special day. This is a day all about you and your love and the life you are both creating together. People have lost site of this in my opinion. 

    As girls we all dream of this day from a very young age. You deserve to have the day of your dreams.  

  • image LaLovely:

    It's YOUR WEDDING! I would ask her to participate in another area where she doesn't have to purchase a new outfit. Maybe an usher or she could be your lady in waiting, something so she won't feel left out. Seems like you have made several changes already to accomodate her,so she shouldn't be upset.

    Did you seriously write this?  I mean, I get that there are self-centered people out there, but common.

    The OP didnt change the date of the wedding to accommodate her highschool party buddy, SHE and HER FI changed the wedding date to allow her FI's sister to participate in said wedding.  

    And the only other accommodation is the amount of money the OPs FI's sister is able to cover for a freaking dress for a wedding.  

    Basically you are expecting the OP to downgrade her bother's sister to wedding b!tch all over a party?  Nice way to start a marriage.  

     

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • image Starcross86:

    I picked a color and the length I wanted my Bridesmaids to wear, then they picked a dress style that fit each of them. I approved all dresses in the end. As for my SIL found it was easier to make a special job for her. She read a Jewish poem to represent my husbands faith. She wore the same color as my girls, but was able to buy something on her own. That way if it doesn't match exactly then it didn't matter. The fact is this is your day. It doesn't make you selfish or mean to stick to a vision you have. They will have a chance to have the wedding they want, this is your special day. This is a day all about you and your love and the life you are both creating together. People have lost site of this in my opinion. 

    As girls we all dream of this day from a very young age. You deserve to have the day of your dreams.  

    Yes to bolded. But this isn't a license to be a bridezilla or to hurt peoples' feelings or to ruin relationships.

    People need to put these in perspective. THEY ARE PARTIES!!! Just parties. And while she'll probably forget the details in 5 or 10 years, her SIL won't.

  • My bridesmaids were my three sisters and my sister in law. I paid for all three of my sister's dresses, and my MIL wanted to pay for my SIL's. I also told them to wear their own jewelry and shoes - I didn't think anyone would care if it wasn't matchy matchy. I also paid a stylist to come in the day of the wedding and paid for anyone in the bridal party who wanted to get their hair done. 

    I agree with the poster who suggested that you offer to pay for her dress. It would be a really nice gesture. 

  • We had the same issue with DH's sister, she ended up not being in the wedding. She ended up being a hostess. I want my girls to dress a like I felt like I gave them more than enough time 7 months to purchase a dress. Maybe you could have her do something else in the wedding.
  • By the way I have been in weddings and my little one also we pay for our dresses and his tux. DH, 2 LOs, and myself will be in my parents vow renewal. I will be paying for all of our outfits.
  • image JNL$LSM:
    By the way I have been in weddings and my little one also we pay for our dresses and his tux. DH, 2 LOs, and myself will be in my parents vow renewal. I will be paying for all of our outfits.

    I can't even read this without laughing.

    OP, it may be your wedding, yes...but if she can't afford the dress AND the plane ticket, then what exactly is she supposed to do? $140 is a lot for a dress you'll only wear once. Do what a respectable future sister in law would do - offer to pay for her dress. It's your fianc?s sister for heavens sake - ask him what he'd like to do. I'm sure he wants her at HIS wedding. Lordy. Bride-freakin-zilla!  

    image

    TTC since March 2012. 

  • Can you just pay for the dress? 
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  • How can I communicate to her it's one of these dresses or your not in the wedding...any advise??

    Why are those the only two options - she forks over money for a dress she may never wear again and can't afford or she's out.  That's awful and you sound like a major bridezilla!  You should have discussed budget with each of your girls before picking out a dress.  The onus is on you.  If you kick her out of your wedding over this, guaranteed you will cause some serious, potentially relationship-ending, drama.  If she's that important to you, you either cough up the money OR let her wear something she already has.   

  • A 100 dollar dress is just the beginning as alterations cost a ton, at least in my area. Altering a bridesmaid dress here is about 80 dollars, and I don't know many  people who can get away without having a gown altered. Then oftentimes you have to buy special undergarments (backless bra) if you don't already own them. Add in shoes if the bride requests matching shoes, or shoes in a color you don't already own. Hair. Makeup. Is she planning/expected to contribute to showers and/or bachelorette parties too? My point is that standing up in a wedding can bust a budget very quickly. If you are able to, it would be a great gesture to pay for the dress.  
  • image MommyLiberty5013:
    image Starcross86:

    I picked a color and the length I wanted my Bridesmaids to wear, then they picked a dress style that fit each of them. I approved all dresses in the end. As for my SIL found it was easier to make a special job for her. She read a Jewish poem to represent my husbands faith. She wore the same color as my girls, but was able to buy something on her own. That way if it doesn't match exactly then it didn't matter. The fact is this is your day. It doesn't make you selfish or mean to stick to a vision you have. They will have a chance to have the wedding they want, this is your special day. This is a day all about you and your love and the life you are both creating together. People have lost site of this in my opinion. 

    As girls we all dream of this day from a very young age. You deserve to have the day of your dreams.  

    Yes to bolded. But this isn't a license to be a bridezilla or to hurt peoples' feelings or to ruin relationships.

    People need to put these in perspective. THEY ARE PARTIES!!! Just parties. And while she'll probably forget the details in 5 or 10 years, her SIL won't.

    And MIL won't either, trust me. No one holds a grudge like in-laws. OP is this your fiance's sister? How would your husband feel about his sister being removed from his/your wedding??

     

  • image MommyLiberty5013:
    image Starcross86:

    I picked a color and the length I wanted my Bridesmaids to wear, then they picked a dress style that fit each of them. I approved all dresses in the end. As for my SIL found it was easier to make a special job for her. She read a Jewish poem to represent my husbands faith. She wore the same color as my girls, but was able to buy something on her own. That way if it doesn't match exactly then it didn't matter. The fact is this is your day. It doesn't make you selfish or mean to stick to a vision you have. They will have a chance to have the wedding they want, this is your special day. This is a day all about you and your love and the life you are both creating together. People have lost site of this in my opinion. 

    As girls we all dream of this day from a very young age. You deserve to have the day of your dreams.  

    Yes to bolded. But this isn't a license to be a bridezilla or to hurt peoples' feelings or to ruin relationships.

    People need to put these in perspective. THEY ARE PARTIES!!! Just parties. And while she'll probably forget the details in 5 or 10 years, her SIL won't.



    We dream of this day, all of us?

    NOPE!

    Another piece of advice: Do NOT give your SIL a wedding job. That just plain sucks -- no handing out bubbles, or programs, or this or that.

    Does she sing? or play an instrument well? You might ask her to be a soloist or musician --- now, that's a nice way to include somebody in your wedding.

    More meaningful than having her put on a dress and show up and be in a bunch of photos.

    We had several cousins sing at our wedding. 
  • image JNL$LSM:
    By the way I have been in weddings and my little one also we pay for our dresses and his tux. DH, 2 LOs, and myself will be in my parents vow renewal. I will be paying for all of our outfits.

    bully for you.  

    But given the state of the economy (at least by what I have been told over and over and over again by the nightly news), not everyone has the descretionary income to afford $150 and a plane ticket (given it just cost me $200 to go from FL to GA - a state away, plane tickets are not cheap).  

     

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • image Ilumine:

    image JNL$LSM:
    By the way I have been in weddings and my little one also we pay for our dresses and his tux. DH, 2 LOs, and myself will be in my parents vow renewal. I will be paying for all of our outfits.

    bully for you.  

    But given the state of the economy (at least by what I have been told over and over and over again by the nightly news), not everyone has the descretionary income to afford $150 and a plane ticket (given it just cost me $200 to go from FL to GA - a state away, plane tickets are not cheap).  



    Your SIL is part of a growing family, I am sure -- these events are pricey for people with young kids and many expenses.

    Keep in mind some of the suggestions we gave.

    If you wish her to be in the wedding, why not pay for her gown?  I am sure you can swing the $100.
  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Are you for real?Hmm

     For my wedding I had my BFF as MOH and my twin sister as a BM. Their dresses were from Nordstrom and under $100. When my BFF got married (last summer) we found a simple navy blue dress at JC Penneys for $60. I've worn that dress twice in the last year.

     Your wedding is one day. She will be your SIL for the rest of your life. Which is more important? Meet her in the middle. It's not hard. 


  • image musac15:

    image JNL$LSM:
    By the way I have been in weddings and my little one also we pay for our dresses and his tux. DH, 2 LOs, and myself will be in my parents vow renewal. I will be paying for all of our outfits.

    I can't even read this without laughing.

    OP, it may be your wedding, yes...but if she can't afford the dress AND the plane ticket, then what exactly is she supposed to do? $140 is a lot for a dress you'll only wear once. Do what a respectable future sister in law would do - offer to pay for her dress. It's your fianc?s sister for heavens sake - ask him what he'd like to do. I'm sure he wants her at HIS wedding. Lordy. Bride-freakin-zilla!  

    She came to the wedding she was not in the wedding. I understand you cannot afford so she was not in the wedding.

    I have been in over ten weddings the bride and/or groom HAVE NEVER paid for our dresses.

  •  I think you should offer to pay for part of the dress. 

    I had lent my MOH money to pay for her dress and it took her a long time to pay me back.  In retropect I wish I'd paid for at least half since she wasn't really couldn't afford to pay that much money on a dress she only wore once but she never told me.  I feel bad about that now.

  • image Malvagia:

     I think you should offer to pay for part of the dress. 

    I had lent my MOH money to pay for her dress and it took her a long time to pay me back.  In retropect I wish I'd paid for at least half since she wasn't really couldn't afford to pay that much money on a dress she only wore once but she never told me.  I feel bad about that now.



    A matching fund would be nice. She pays half, you pay half.

    Here is another option:

    She can be a female usher.

    I am sure she has a black dress. she can stand with the guys or the girls. Lots of couples have coed wedding parties.
  • image JNL$LSM:
    image musac15:

    image JNL$LSM:
    By the way I have been in weddings and my little one also we pay for our dresses and his tux. DH, 2 LOs, and myself will be in my parents vow renewal. I will be paying for all of our outfits.

    I can't even read this without laughing.

    OP, it may be your wedding, yes...but if she can't afford the dress AND the plane ticket, then what exactly is she supposed to do? $140 is a lot for a dress you'll only wear once. Do what a respectable future sister in law would do - offer to pay for her dress. It's your fianc?s sister for heavens sake - ask him what he'd like to do. I'm sure he wants her at HIS wedding. Lordy. Bride-freakin-zilla!  

    She came to the wedding she was not in the wedding. I understand you cannot afford so she was not in the wedding.

    I have been in over ten weddings the bride and/or groom HAVE NEVER paid for our dresses.

    again, bully for YOU.  

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image nascargirl3858:
    I found this bridesmaids dress for $140 and was told by one bridesmaid she can not afford it and the flight out to my wedding (one state to another). I have now found another dress for $100. She is my sister-in-law and I really want her in the wedding but I had to move my wedding from June to July as she is a teacher and can not get the time off. How can I communicate to her it's one of these dresses or your not in the wedding...any advise??


    Why not give all the ladies a color swatch of the color dress you want and let them pick on their own?

    Easy for you and relatively inexpensive for them: they buy what they can afford.

    She can find something for far less than $100 --- trust me on this one.

    Give the ladies basic "requirements" what you want the dress to have: "Any dress of your choice from anywhere you want to buy it; just make sure it is full length and nothing low cut or glitzy" for example.

    This is pretty much what I did with my girls. I picked a store that had a wide selection of dresses and prices, then gave my girls two requirements: it had to be the colour I chose and roughly knee length, give or take a bit. It allowed both for affordability because 3 of 4 were in school of some sort and for dresses that flattered each body type. How much they spent was up to them.

    Anniversary
  • image amandamarie2:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    image nascargirl3858:
    I found this bridesmaids dress for $140 and was told by one bridesmaid she can not afford it and the flight out to my wedding (one state to another). I have now found another dress for $100. She is my sister-in-law and I really want her in the wedding but I had to move my wedding from June to July as she is a teacher and can not get the time off. How can I communicate to her it's one of these dresses or your not in the wedding...any advise??


    Why not give all the ladies a color swatch of the color dress you want and let them pick on their own?

    Easy for you and relatively inexpensive for them: they buy what they can afford.

    She can find something for far less than $100 --- trust me on this one.

    Give the ladies basic "requirements" what you want the dress to have: "Any dress of your choice from anywhere you want to buy it; just make sure it is full length and nothing low cut or glitzy" for example.

    This is pretty much what I did with my girls. I picked a store that had a wide selection of dresses and prices, then gave my girls two requirements: it had to be the colour I chose and roughly knee length, give or take a bit. It allowed both for affordability because 3 of 4 were in school of some sort and for dresses that flattered each body type. How much they spent was up to them.



    They can also make it, borrow it, look in thrift shops/consignment shops or use what you might already have.

    There's also clearance racks at tons of upscale department stores and bridal shops. Even if you find something 2 sizes too large -- big deal! Go to a tailor near you --- dry cleaners always have them, I think, and you can look for an independent one hear you --  and have them take it in.

    A middle school  or high school clothing teacher will even do the alts, I'll bet -- it won't hurt to contact that person and ask. Schools usually have email addresses for the teachers.

    Same thing if it a tad too small --- who cares? You're no blimp...we all know this --- but if yu find something that's a size4 and youre a size 10, you can easily have a panel added to bring it up to snuff, so long as it's the color you need and the price is right.

    ANother place to look:

    The "Clothes for Sale" section of the hard copy want-ads and even Craigslist.

    CLEARANCE RACKS!!!! Look there, also.  And don't be shy to dig.
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