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Will you be married forever? Will one of you cheat?

A few years ago a study of newlywed women indicated half expected infidelity would be part of their marriage and 72 percent said they?d probably experience divorce. That's a lot! Do you expect infidelity in your marriage (and by whom, him or you?) Do you think divorce may be in the cards (why/why not)?
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Re: Will you be married forever? Will one of you cheat?

  • That statistic is shocking and very sad...

    We don't expect infidelity. It already happened to us. About two years ago. We had been married for a year. We got passed it, and obviously, don't see divorce in our future. We also don't forsee another act of cheating. If we did, we wouldn't be together.

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  • my XH cheated on me, and my DH's long term girlfriend cheated on him. So we both know what it's like to be cheated on and would never, ever do that to each other. 
  • If I expected infidelity or expected divorce I probably wouldn't have gotten married.  That's seems kind of stupid.  Sh!t happens of course but why make that kind of commitment when you expect to fail?
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    image JemmaWRX:
    If I expected infidelity or expected divorce I probably wouldn't have gotten married.  That's seems kind of stupid.  Sh!t happens of course but why make that kind of commitment when you expect to fail?

    This.  The only reason I can think of to expect infidelity and still get married is if you were the victim of infidelity in a previous relationship.  If that's the case, you should get yourself into therapy to learn to trust your partner. (Assuming your partner deserves trusting.  If not, you should be in therapy to figure out why you're staying in a bad relationship.)

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  • So I had some serious doubts about this statistic, and I tried to follow the link to the actual study and it does not work. So I gotta say I'm skeptical. Any other citations to it?
  • I think this is an odd question.  I have no intention of cheating, but I do recognize that DH's behavior is outside my control.  I trust him, but people change, and I don't delude myself into thinking I'm that much of a better judge of character than the next person...  

  • I'm a realist. I'm also divorced and remarried so I have evidence to base my realism on. :-)

    I adore my husband and hope we continue to find each other enchanting until we're old and wrinkly. If that isn't the case and we grow too far apart as people in our values and goals, we may not be together forever. That doesn't mean I'll see our marriage as a failure. I see my first marriage as a fantastic learning experience that left me with a life-long best friend who is closer than most of my family. But he wasn't the right husband for me. If my husband and I do split up it will be under circumstances that allow us to remain partners in parenting. 

    As to cheating? I'm more in favor of really good communication about needs and desires and a dialog that allows for reality. We may open our relationship up. We may not. We'll see. But we don't freak out when the other person is attracted to someone else because we WANT to be in THIS marriage. This partnership. To raise children together. That's a commitment that comes with long term stability and that's more important than whether he thinks some girl is hot, or if we choose to invite other people into our bed.

  • vpinevpine member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    I'm not expecting divorce or infidelity but if it happened, would have to be DH since I have sucky sex drive. 

  • I look at divorce and cheating like I look at cancer.  I don't EXPECT them. But would I be floored if either happened?  No.  Surprised but not astounded since they've very, very common.

    I don't expect either of us to cheat because 1.  we respect one another and 2.  we're far too lazy for all that would go into it.

    It would take a lot for a divorce.  Never say never but I doubt it.

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  • DjinxsDjinxs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    I'm going to be the odd one out here (I usually am on topics like this!), but I guess I would say that I do expect infidelity. In the typical sleeping-with-someone-else definition. We have an open marriage, so I expect him (and myself) to sleep with other people. 

    Of course, I wouldn't consider that infidelity or cheating. For us, infidelity is more about emotional investment. I don't care if he sleeps with someone else, but I would be very upset if he fell in love with them. If that makes any sense. We also make sure to keep communication open. We talk to each other about any potential 'affairs', so it's not a surprise and it's not behind each others backs. 

    I think communication is the biggest issue. I've been cheated on before in a non-open relationship many many years ago and the secrecy and deception of it upset me more than the actual cheating. The idea that he either thought about me and then did it any way or just didn't even think about me. Either one was awful. But with my current situation, I don't have to worry about any of that.

    I've always held a 'sex is just sex' idea, so I guess it was easier to come to an arrangement like this. We do have a veto list, as well. There are a few people we don't want each other to sleep with and that's fine.

    It's not for everyone, but it works really well for us. 

  • I have been in two other serious relationships in my life. One physically abusive and the other cheating/mentally abusive.

    I love FI and I don't think he would do anything wrong. He never has. But I have to admit if he did I wouldn't be surprised. Devastated of course. Its just something that seems way to common in relationships.

    I don't expect divorce. However if cheating did occur I would probably say divorce was a strong possibility. 

    I feel like when it comes to this I feel like I am a victim of my past relationships and watching a lot of adult relationships while I grew up. Oh well. I am going into this marriage with 100% faith in him and in us.  


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  • I'm not sure how a marrage can be called a marriage if each of you is playing around.  Sex is so much more than a physical act. Marriage is about oneness.

    communication is essental as you mentioned but Id consider evaluating why you want to be married at all 

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  • DjinxsDjinxs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Because I love my husband dearly. He's my best friend and my partner in everything. But we both recognize that every so often we crave something different. It's not like we're out with different sexy buddies every night. He's made out with another chick once and we're talking about threesomes. But even the idea of openness takes a lot of pressure off of us and makes one less thing we have to worry about.

    Like I said, it's not for everyone. But don't think we haven't thought it through. Your idea of 'oneness' and mine are obviously different, but that's doesn't mean I'm wrong (or you're wrong!) and should be evaluating my marriage. 

  • This is kind of a loaded question, no? I don't expect either me or my H to cheat. If that was the case, then we would not have gotten married. I love my H with all of my heart and soul - the idea of being with anyone else has never crossed my mind in the 10 years we've been together and I'm confident he feels the same way. I cannot predict the future, obviously, but I do hope that we will always feel this way about each other.
  • image wife07mom09:

    I'm not sure how a marrage can be called a marriage if each of you is playing around.  Sex is so much more than a physical act. Marriage is about oneness.

    communication is essental as you mentioned but Id consider evaluating why you want to be married at all 

    While agree that sex is more than "just sex" - and the thought of sharing that with someone other than my spouse skeeves me to no end! - I respect that people have different opinions and make different choices.  It's odd to view it as a "marriage" when you sleep with other people but that's a choice they made and it works for their relationship.  While it's not my cup of tea, as long as it works for them... I do wonder what PPs vows sounded like though!  :)

  • DjinxsDjinxs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Haha. We wrote our own, but we did verify beforehand that the actual spoken ritual vows didn't include 'monogamy'. We didn't want to be lying or anything. But most of the ritual vows were about becoming sacred to each other.

    Our written vows were our promises to be loyal and faithful to each other. Which just have different definitions than a lot of people. One thing this all HAS taught me, though, is to be open-minded about other people's relationships. I mean, some married couples now are keeping their own places and living apart. Is that really a marriage? Sure it is, it's just not for everyone.

    The goal is to find what works best for you and your partner and then do that and be happy! 

  • Nope my husband isn't like that at all and neither am I. We have been together since 8th grade and have never cheated. I don't see us starting now almost 9 years later. We both have the mind set of why be married if you want to be single and be with anyone you want then don't get married. Cheating is not necessary it's just stupid. We don't even use porn in our marriage none of that we guard our hearts against lust for others. Our vows where taken in front of God and we hold them very high. Our faith is very important to us and cheating is a sin and is not expectable. I pray it never happens but if for some reason it does we will fight like hell for our marriage and do what it takes to work through it. Cheating is a behavior and is a character flaw neither my husband or I show any of this in our personalities we both like and enjoy monogamy. 
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  • image Djinxs:

    I'm going to be the odd one out here (I usually am on topics like this!), but I guess I would say that I do expect infidelity. In the typical sleeping-with-someone-else definition. We have an open marriage, so I expect him (and myself) to sleep with other people. 

    Of course, I wouldn't consider that infidelity or cheating. For us, infidelity is more about emotional investment. I don't care if he sleeps with someone else, but I would be very upset if he fell in love with them. If that makes any sense. We also make sure to keep communication open. We talk to each other about any potential 'affairs', so it's not a surprise and it's not behind each others backs. 

    It's not for everyone, but it works really well for us. 

    Wow girlfriend, are you nuts? It works well for you until one of you gets an STD or your hubby gets another woman pregnant! This mentality is really sad to me. You have cheapened sex to being only a means of physical gratification... neglecting the fact that it is indeed a soul tie to the person as well as a spiritual connection. Please tell me you don't have kids...if you do I would almost call this child abuse. I am sorry for you because I doubt very much that deep down inside you are okay with your husband sleeping around. Wouldn't you prefer to have a man that makes you feel like his entire world and treats you and other women with respect and dignity? He is viewing other women as pieces of meat and frankly isn't treating you much better. This has to actually hurt you but you've decided to numb yourself down to make it work right?

    If this post sounded judgmental then so be it. We have a sense of right and wrong for a reason and it is precisely needed for EXTREME cases like yours.  

  • DjinxsDjinxs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    No worries. I'm used to people putting on their judgy pants about this. I guess I should learn to keep my mouth shut and just keep on being happy, but you live and learn, right?

    I'm not sure whether I should even bother trying to explain since you're so obviously against my personal lifestyle choice, but we do have rules, just like any other marriage. But our rules instead of 'don't sleep with other people' are more about protecting each other from things like STDs and getting other women pregnant. And I trust my husband to follow those, just like any other wife does.  

     And I also don't see it as cheapening sex. We're not going out and getting hookers and just plowing them. But for us, there's a difference between sex and intimacy. 

  • I completely agree with Kimbus on this one.

    And Djinxs?  I totally get what you're saying.  I don't think it cheapens a marriage or sex or anything else.  I wouldn't pick that lifestyle, but I really understand why it works for some couples. 

  • image Djinxs:

    No worries. I'm used to people putting on their judgy pants about this. I guess I should learn to keep my mouth shut and just keep on being happy, but you live and learn, right?

    I'm not sure whether I should even bother trying to explain since you're so obviously against my personal lifestyle choice, but we do have rules, just like any other marriage. But our rules instead of 'don't sleep with other people' are more about protecting each other from things like STDs and getting other women pregnant. And I trust my husband to follow those, just like any other wife does.  

     And I also don't see it as cheapening sex. We're not going out and getting hookers and just plowing them. But for us, there's a difference between sex and intimacy. 

    I really feel bad for you. I think you deserve better than that. The fact that you were cheated on in the past probably damaged you in a way you don't realize and now it has manifested into this very alternative marriage. Let me tell you another thing, most people don't go out looking to get accidentally knocked up or contract an STD--but it still happens, constantly. You're human, so is your husband and humans mess up a lot. It isn't about picking up hookers, it's the mentality behind this whole facade of a marriage that is really disturbing.  

    I really wonder, have you ever really sat down and imagined your husband having sex with all these other women? That doesn't make you the slightest bit jealous/uncomfortable? The mind can choose to repress and deny a lot of important information as a means of survival and I have a feeling this is what you're doing? 

    Again, I feel sorry for you, you deserve more than this.  

  • DjinxsDjinxs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    You're so sweet! Thanks for your sympathy. I guess I must be horribly damaged. I hadn't thought of that. I'll go get divorced now, you saved my life!

    Joking aside, I've said multiple times that it's not for everyone. But I don't think having a relationship that you don't agree with means I'm wrong or damaged or "deserve better". Too many people look at alternative relationships and just get so judgmental. Oh, those people are sinning because they're not doing what I think is right. Oh, those people are probably mentally damaged because I don't agree with their personal choices. Oh, their kids are going to be screwed up and abused because I don't agree with what they're doing. 

    I feel sorry for people who have such closed minds.  

  • Mrs.H.Mrs.H. member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    We will be married till death do us part.  

    I would never cheat on him and if he did, I'd kill him so  the above sentence would be true.

     

    DLB&MRB
  • image Djinxs:

    I feel sorry for people who have such closed minds.  

     The moral decline in our society is because people are afraid to make judgments on people's actions. Listen to me carefully-- I do not agree with judging someone's eternal soul. If I told you you were going to hell for this, that would be wrong because I cannot judge your heart and condemn you. That isn't my place. However, when I find your actions and choices to be detestable and against everything that the institution of marriage was originally intended for- I should have every right to voice my opinion and not be called "closed minded" because I use my brain and know what I believe is right and wrong. We were given a brain and a conscience and yes, even judgment and it isn't wrong to utilize them.

    People these days are cowards and want to please everyone rather than have courage and tell them what they believe in. I'm not one of those. It's my opinion and you don't have to like it. 

    Everyone has their idea of what's right and wrong, but just because I'm not you doesn't mean I have to be silent. Do you think the pedophile with an alternative sexual desire for small children is in the right? That may be the line you draw, for me I draw the line at having sex with multiple people while married. That is wrong. It's disrespectful to you and all women. It's disrespectful to marriage and the vows you took and everything that is sacred. Okay-- I'm done, but trust me when I say I could go on and on!

     

  • DjinxsDjinxs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Alright, alright. Wow. I'll just go back to lurking so I no longer offend your delicate sensibilities.
  • image ErikaB123:
    image Djinxs:

    I feel sorry for people who have such closed minds.  

    Do you think the pedophile with an alternative sexual desire for small children is in the right?

     

    An adult man or woman who manipulates and rapes small children is not the same thing as two consenting adults who collectively made a choice.  Please don't try to draw comparisons between the two because it's utterly off-base.  I do not see the appeal of an open relationship.  But to compare that to pedophilia is ludicrous. 

  • I do not expect infidelity, I would hope my husband does not but honestly I don't know what he thinks. If I was to be unfaithful to him I do not think we would be able to salvage the marriage; however, if he was unfaithful to me I think I would try to make it work. His parents went through that and they were able to make it and now like 10 years later things are finally back to normal for them. I think his mom would help me to make it work if he was to cheat.
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  • @Golden42 ? sorry. The link (which used to work) no longer does, but I relinked it to a different link for the same study. Thanks for pointing that out!
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    image ErikaB123:

    Wow girlfriend, are you nuts? It works well for you until one of you gets an STD or your hubby gets another woman pregnant!

    This is pretty dumb.  There are plenty of single women having sex (with multiple partners *gasp*) and not getting STDs or pregnant.  Did I miss the day in sex-ed when they told us that as soon as you sign your marriage certificate, safe sex techniques stop working?  Good thing I'm single, or I'd be all knocked-up and disease-ridden!

    Oh, and comparing an open marriage to pedophilia?  Also dumb.  You do realize that we're talking about legally consenting adults who are free to make their own choices, right?  Not children or puppies or dead people who are incapable of legal consent?

    btw, I think you meant "sexually transmitted disease" instead of "STD" right?  After all, "How lazy can you be?!  So irritating!"
    http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/74913529.aspx 

    You are a troll, right?  Not bad at all.  Keep it up! 

    image
  • kipnuskipnus member
    Ancient Membership 100 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    image JemmaWRX:
    If I expected infidelity or expected divorce I probably wouldn't have gotten married.  That's seems kind of stupid.  Sh!t happens of course but why make that kind of commitment when you expect to fail?

     This. 

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