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Money

I just had a huge fight over money matters.  Upon checking checks and balances, 1/3 of his money he earned in the last 6 months exactly $6,000.00 is missing from the bank.  He gets cash and at first he's been giving me the whole amount but after 4 weeks, he's been depositing it himself.  He deposited twice a month and of those times sometimes, not the whole amount.

 When I confronted my husband about this, he totally shocked me.  He said that's his money and I have no right to ask him.  Is e right?

 I have an income as well, on the joint account and that was supposed to be saved and not touched, but because he deposited only portions of his pay, my deposits have been depleted!

 He also added we should separate the joint account, and do not ask him where his money goes to. 

Re: Money

  • He's an @sshole and he's hiding something. When you decide to join finances, that becomes your (as in the collective "your") money. Together. Many couples may have "fun money" that they get to keep and spend on whatever they want, but that is something that is agreed upon beforehand. And no way is it $1,000 a month!!!

    Look, you know this isn't right. Something is going on here. Drugs, gambling, another woman? Who knows? But he's looking to hide his spending from you, and it is a huge red flag.

  • I agree, something doesn't add up. All of our money gets put into our joint account, but then DH transfers fun money into each of our accounts on payday. In our case its $200 every other week. We both have access to each other's accounts and he keeps a spreadsheet showing bills - when they are due, when they are paid. I can look at any time. And, although our fun money is just that, theoretically I could check his account to see where the money is going. I would be really suspicious if we didn't have that kind of transparency. Especially because my ex husband used to withdraw about $100 a day. I used to joke that maybe it was hookers and blow . . . tot his day I have no idea, but he WAS having an affair and was on drugs. Not saying this is the case with you but you need to sit down and have a calm conversation about this with him.
  • vpinevpine member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    To me, if you're married his $ is yours and vice versa. I suggest talking to him about his attitude and how that bothers you. What's the point of being together if he's going to try and separate things?  I would be really upset about this.

  • That is crazy! You're married, you're supposed to have a financial plan together and both know what's going on and how the money is being spent. 

     Sure, separate some of your money, but then both partners get the same amount at the same time, to spend how they like. There should be a common pool that you agree on how to spend, and nothing should be going missing from it without your agreement.

     This is very suspicious and controlling. Please don't ignore this problem. Maybe see a financial counsellor together? 

  • DjinxsDjinxs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    I agree with PPs, something sounds fishy. We have direct deposits for our day job paychecks into a joint account. He's the only one who has access to our small business account, and I have a personal account for royalties from writing. But if I asked him to see the account (or vice versa) there's be no hesitation. Keeping secrets from your spouse about money matters is bad news.

     

    Definitely try talking to him, but it sounds like that might not be well received. Just remember to stay calm and rational. Don't accuse him of anything. Use a lot of "I" language and not "you" language ('I feel this...' instead of 'You need to tell me...' or What do you think you're doing...' etc) 

     

  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Didn't you discuss financial accountability before you got married?  Or at least before you set up a joint bank account?!
    image
  • Take the money out of the joint account and go. This guy is preparing to split, you should be too. He sounds like a dirtbag.
  • Holy cow. How disturbing, all of this.

    image Cherryblossom12345:

    I just had a huge fight over money matters.  Upon checking checks and balances, 1/3 of his money he earned in the last 6 months exactly $6,000.00 is missing from the bank.  He gets cash

    Why is he getting cash? His employer pays him in cash?

    This in itself is a whole board, not a thread! If he is being paid under the table, your H needs to find another job.

    What if he gerts fired or the company goes out of business and lets everyone go? He'll have no recourse for collecting unemployment benefits.

    And that most of it's gone missing?

    Very bad news.

    and at first he's been giving me the whole amount but after 4 weeks, he's been depositing it himself.  He deposited twice a month and of those times sometimes, not the whole amount.

    Giving you the whole amount to deposit?

    What are you, his mom?

     When I confronted my husband about this, he totally shocked me.  He said that's his money and I have no right to ask him.  Is he right?

    NO HE IS NOT RIGHT!

    He is as wrong as wrong can get.

    Because when you marry, HIS money and YOUR money becomes OUR MONEY.


    Did you and he discuss money and how it's saved and spend and etcetera before you wed? Uh, you should have.

     I have an income as well, on the joint account and that was supposed to be saved and not touched, but because he deposited only portions of his pay, my deposits have been depleted!

     He also added we should separate the joint account, and do not ask him where his money goes to. 



    No.

    What you need to do:

    Demand why he has not deposited what should be there and you need to know where that money went.

    This is big trouble. He could have blown it on who knows what, or he could have a drug or alcohol problem or maybe he is keeping somebody on the side and that money is going to him/her.

    ANd maybe he spent it on something just to spite you.

    Check all of the credit card statements; if there is a charge you cannot identify, find out via dialing the number and asking what the service is for.

    That money's gone somewhere and he knows precisely where it has gone.

    And he needs to be honest no matter what the cost.

    You're married to a middle schooler. I don't know how you are going to get him to grow up.

    If he will not say where it went, rethink this guy. He's trouble. And this is a full and complete lack of respect for you.
  • That is scary. Investigate immediately. My DH doesn't give me all his money and doesn't account for his ever penny, but he gives me what he can out of his check and budgets what's left accordingly. Sometimes I get $300. Sometimes I get nothing. He doesn't get paid the same every week because he can be sent home if it rains so not all checks are equal. But if I ask why I wasn't given much or any, he explains. He doesn't throw a tantrum and hide the answer. That's way too much money to be unaccounted for. I would try to work this out in a civil way first but if he continues to refuse to explain, I would prepare to leave. Something is up.
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