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Lazy in-laws?

My husband and I are currently in the process of moving. We are staying in the top floor of his parent's house, rent-free, while preparing for the move. The situation is: we are moving into his grandmother's house, and she into his parent's house. The reasoning behind this being that the family doesn't want to send her to a nursing home, and would rather care for her in this stage of her life in their own home setting, which she is rather happy about. In order for the move-in to be complete, my MIL has to sort through all her stuff she has piled in an extra bedroom. Once this is done, the grandmother will have that room. We have already moved a good bit of our stuff over to grandmothers, which like I said, is where we are moving to. The only hold-up is the MIL. She has been putting the cleaning off for about three months now, and we are more than ready to be moved. It seems like everytime she has an opportunity to clean her hoarding room, she decides to take a mini vacation for a couple days, or anything that will get her out of the house. She will even go as far to help other people with tasks, as she is part of the church, even AFTER she has told is she will atay home and clean that day. It seems like she always puts us out of the picture and finds other things to occupy her time.  We have tried and tried to talk to her but to no avail. Is she just being lazy? Could there be another reason behind this? Should we just forget it and find another house other than grandmas? Also the FIL has given us set dates as to when the room will be done, but those have all been passed and here we are, no further than before. We are tired of waiting and we are getting pretty upset over the hold-up.

Re: Lazy in-laws?

  • What does grandma say/think? Would she have some sway if she started asking when her room is going ot be ready?

    Could you guys move it all for her to the basement or garage and then she can sort it there?

    What about renting a POD?

  • I'm not sure it's laziness alone because then she wouldn't be doing things for other people instead.  She may have an issue with hoarding, where it is hard for her to sort through things and be faced with possibly disposing of her belongings... 

    Either way, I think your best bets for quick results are either offering to help her or, in the absolute nicest way possible, (ask for permission to) beginning to pack and move things yourself.  Just put things into bins or boxes and move them, so she can do a more thorough sort at a different time.  Like the previous poster said, possibly enlist the help of your grandma or maybe your FIL?


  • Honestly, I would find yourselves a new house that isn't tied to your ILs. While I get that you are doing a nice thing for them by taking care of grandma's house, this kind of enmeshment doesn't generally end well. Plus, your MIL, if she is a hoarder, has some mental health issues that are obviously not taken care of, and that will only get worse. I also have to ask: is grandma moving into the house with the hoarding room? Because if that continues and grandma's health is already compromised, that is a bad situation.
  • I think you should also find another living situation that isn't tied to your family. You are grown adults, start living like it. 
  • Yeah... I think it's time to tell your IL's that you all are going to find another place to move.  They'll raise a stink, I'm sure.  "No, but wait, we WILL do it...".  If they say that, I'd tell them "you have 1 week, then.  If it's not done, then we ARE done.  we'll be making other arrangements".

    I get it that this is all to help your DHs grandmother, but really... you and DH can't live your lives based on this.  And in the end, they can still move her whenever they want to and then just SELL her house.  This responsibility really shouldn't be falling to you all to make this happen.  When clearly MIL isn't ready for this to happen.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image EastCoastBride:

    Yeah... I think it's time to tell your IL's that you all are going to find another place to move.  They'll raise a stink, I'm sure.  "No, but wait, we WILL do it...".  If they say that, I'd tell them "you have 1 week, then.  If it's not done, then we ARE done.  we'll be making other arrangements".

    This, but make sure the timeline/ultimatum comes from your H.

  • Perhaps she does not want the move to take place?
  • image doglove:
    I think you should also find another living situation that isn't tied to your family. You are grown adults, start living like it. 

    I agree, you can't really say anything/demand anything here.  

  • Yeah just find another place.  As ideal for everyone this might seem on the surface, the reality is probably different.  Besides, you guys might really like having your own place with no ties to family

    If your MIL does have issues with hoarding, then having his grandma in the same home most likely isn't what is best for her. 

    I know my mom struggled with my grandma being in a nursing home, but it truly is the best place for her.  My grandfather was literally killing himself taking care of her and my grandma moving in with my mom or her siblings simply wasn't an option.  Besides, the nursing home she is in is very nice. 

  • Dd107Dd107 member
    It's not that we aren't living like "grown adults," it's that it's a really great house and we want to keep it in the family as long as possible. We have found that we obviously can't rely on our family to keep their word, and we have had enough. We have already looked into other houses as a last resort.
    ItsPennyLane90
  • Dd107Dd107 member
    That is what we were thinking. She does not want the responsibility of taking care of the grandmother, and is trying to put it off as long as possible.
  • Dd107Dd107 member
    I agree.
  • image Dd107:
    She does not want the responsibility of taking care of the grandmother, and is trying to put it off as long as possible.
    Then I think that "the family" needs to think about this entire situation some more and determine what is truly the best course of action.  On one hand you say that the family doesn't want to send grandmother to a nursing home.  But if MIL isn't actually on the same page about having to take care of her- then that might be what needs to happen.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Dd107Dd107 member
    I completely agree about the nursing home. I do believe one thing that is holding the family back as far as that goes is the house will be taken away from the family if grandma is moved into a nursing home. Like I said, we are perfectly capable of moving into another house, but the family wants grandmothers house kept "in the family."
  • Well that really isn't a burden you and your husband need to bear, especially if it isn't in your best interest. 

    Maybe try to see it as the home will make another family happy.

  • It doesn't sound like laziness considering she's so readily available to pitch in for other non-house related tasks, right?  Perhaps she's trying to delay the inevitable... either she doesn't want you guys to leave or she doesn't want her Mom/MIL moving in? 

    Regardless of the why, I would start to take action.  I recommend your husband handle discussing a firm deadline, offering to help get the room ready, and following through when said deadline is approaching, not once it has already passed.  If it seems that nothing is going to be done come the deadline day, they you and your husband need to roll up your sleeves and get it done yourselves.  And your MIL needs to be made aware that if she makes no commitment to get the room organized and ready, that you will be taking care of it yourselves.

    Where is the grandmother in all of this?  Doesn't she want to get situated as well?  Maybe your husband can talk to her about it too, see if she can light a fire under their behinds to get this thing going.

    Of course it's extremely generous to allow you to live in their home rent-free but keeping you guys in limbo for months is pushing it.  They need to commit to this and get it done already.  If this (or any of the other advice you've been given) doesn't work then I would absolutely start looking for a new place to live.

  • Can grandma move into one of the rooms that you guys are currently staying in? 

    I don't feel like you really have a leg to stand on considering these are your in laws, they are doing you a huge favor by letting you live with them, and the moving granny/cleaning the room thing is on their time. 

    Personally, I would just find a different house regardless. Trust me you don't want to rent from family. It gets sticky and when something goes wrong that costs money it never works out right. The dishwasher breaks, the septic system needs to be flushed, HVAC goes out, pest issues, etc... Rent from an actual rental company, sign a lease, and leave it at that.  

    If it is a hoarding room like you say then she likely has a lot of anxiety in thinking about cleaning it. This is normal with people who collect junk over the years. There is a reason they collect it and they are very adamant about not disturbing it. 

  • image Dd107:
    I completely agree about the nursing home. I do believe one thing that is holding the family back as far as that goes is the house will be taken away from the family if grandma is moved into a nursing home. Like I said, we are perfectly capable of moving into another house, but the family wants grandmothers house kept "in the family."

    If they want to keep it in the family then why don't they sell it to you? That would be a far better solution and give grandma some cash now from the sell. Eventually they will obviously have to sell it and it will be more painful just dragging it out. Even if someone else rents it the house will still be in your family so I don't really understand unless the options are only you renting or them selling to someone else. 

  • image justamarried:

    I'm not sure it's laziness alone because then she wouldn't be doing things for other people instead.  She may have an issue with hoarding, where it is hard for her to sort through things and be faced with possibly disposing of her belongings... 

    Either way, I think your best bets for quick results are either offering to help her or, in the absolute nicest way possible, (ask for permission to) beginning to pack and move things yourself.  Just put things into bins or boxes and move them, so she can do a more thorough sort at a different time.  Like the previous poster said, possibly enlist the help of your grandma or maybe your FIL?


     

    Could not have put it better. If she is out helping others it sounds more like an issue of possibly having to part with her hoard. definitely do what you can to enlist the rest of the family, strength in numbers!

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