I've been lurking over on TB, as I'm hoping to TTC this fall, but I'm having some...issues with my DH, and I need some outside advice.
When we got married, I was sexually experienced, and DH was a virgin raised in a rather religious household. He was horrified at the idea that I wanted (wanted!) to give him oral sex, because he seems to have this hangup that "penises are weird and gross"
I've had an interest in BDSM, and asked him to explore that with me. He flat out refused. Won't even tie my hands to the headboard with a tie or scarf. If I want to feel immobilized, I have to hang on myself. When I asked him why he was so uncomfortable with the idea, he demurred, giving me a half-assed answer like "what if the house catches on fire while you're chained to the headboard?" (Really?!)
So sex has been extraordinarily vanilla. We explored the kama sutra a bit, but he really tends to prefer missionary or cowgirl, with the occasional spice of doggy style when I give him puppy-dog eyes and ask for it that way.
We had a rough patch where he all but gave up on sex and we didn't have sex for three months. When I jumped him out of sheer frustration, he didn't respond to me, and when I asked him what was wrong he was all "Oh, this is your show. I always have to do the work." I was seriously hurt and just left and slept in the spare bedroom. The next day, I wrote him a letter (because it's the only way I can communicate stuff like that....more on that later) telling him that I was hurt and that I really wanted our sex life to work, and that evening we talked and everything seemed to be good....if back to our old vanilla routine.
A month ago I asked him if he was at all interested in 69'ing, to which he replied "ew, no!". Later he was like "So, um, if there's anything you wanna try, let me know." I was in such utter shock and disbelief that I just shrugged and went to sleep. I couldn't even figure how to verbalize that I HAD been suggesting things, and every single deviant thing I wanted had been shot down.
The thing is, I'm great at writing, but terrible at talking. If there's something serious I need to tell him, it's more likely that he'll find a letter on his desk after I leave for work.
Flash forward to last night, and we're getting frisky. I start fondling him and he jerks away, saying something like "he's excited enough. You can touch everywhere else though"
My immediate thought is "Oh ***, am I just really bad at this? Am I so bad at hand jobs that even my own husband doesn't want me touching him there?" I can't say anything, because I'm a coward.
Don't mistake me - my husband is, in every other way, an amazing husband. We've been married for 7 years now, and we're practically best friends. We hardly ever fight and agree on most everything. Everything but sex, apparently. The only thing I'm uncomfortable talking to him about anymore is sex, and that's probably because I've been shut down so many damn times over the years.
So...I'm at a loss. I'm just so frustrated and hurt and despairing of my sex life ever getting better. I don't even know if this is a rant or a question. Has anyone been through anything like this before? Any advice would be more than welcome.