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Mother's Day Dilemma

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Re: Mother's Day Dilemma

  • image stw_77:
    Did you ever talk to your SIL ?  How did it go ?

    I didn't talk to the SIL because apparently my MIL decided to handle it herself. She texted me soon after my SIL did that she had heard rumors, and since she doesn't like rumors, she wanted to talk to me to clear things up. She wanted to either come over my house or me go over hers to talk. We live close to them, so I stopped by after work. I went in with my mind set that she was not going to make me go back on my decision.

     Basically, she told me that she "understands" me but does not think I am justified. She compared me to my sister who lives out of town a couple of times, implying she would understand more if I was her and did not get to spend time with my mom all the time.(I told her MD has always been an important day for us and rolled my eyes at that). She mentioned she had "heard" that I had a family event the day before (that is how she started her side after she heard me out).I told her yes, there is a family thing one of my dad's cousin's wife is planning, but this is family we barely see and it is also for her daughter's b-day. Whatever, she cut me off and went on.

    She gave me some bogus excuse as to why we weren't told in the planning process (apparently she started planning with my SIL and then they got SIL FIL involved), and mentioned that I never went up to her and asked her what her plans were. She said it was just not possible this year to do an earlier lunch or a dinner (which is what would have worked better for me) because the reservation was done thanks to a friend of SIL FIL, and how it is so hard to get reservations to a restaurant on MD, bla bla.

     She also tried to convince me that spending time with my mom after 6pm sounded good to her and implied there was nothing wrong withe me doing that (no thanks, I don't want my mom to be the secondary plans for mother's day).

    But none of these things really upset me. What really got my blood boiling were things that were blurted out (trying to remember as best I can the main points) such as:

    1-Remember when you get married it's not only taking from one side, you have to learn to give, and compromise.

    2-I think that my son has compromised a lot ever since you guys got married. Correct me if I am wrong, but he has actually given up more for you! (I corrected her)

    3- I have always been very understanding since you got married because I understand that time has to be split equally.

    4- I think YOU are in the wrong here.

    5- I don't think it is worth it for YOU to make such a huge deal over this trivial thing and "drown yourself in a glass of water" (spanish expression).  

    6- I warned you before you got married to my son that when he gets really upset about something, he completely changes, shuts down, and there is no turning him back (what does this even mean??)

    7-So you are saying it is worth it to do what you want in spite of upsetting your husband? 

    8- You want me to be honest with you? I think you are playing a power struggle game to see which one wins.

    9-I don't remember you ever coming up to me and asking me what I was doing for Mother's day. You could have planned ahead and found out, but since no one one asked I went ahead and started planning.

      I know you guys have stuff to say about that! 

    So after taking all of these things calmly and responding to them in the most respectful way I knew how, she still said no hard feelings and that I would always be OK with her, that she loves me like a daugther (honestly I have never had any REAL problems with her) and that she understands my mom comes first, but she implied I was being unreasonable and selfish.

     What's done is done. I just really need to take things into my own hands next year and maybe start doing the planning myself. I AM NOT A PLANNER. And that is my biggest problem. But since some of you have pointed out, I gotta grow up and start making things happen for myself in order to avoid these situations. What a mess. For the record, my brain literally hurts too!

  • My initial response - for every time she put it in you to ask what her plans were, she needed to be saying that to her son. That is not your ROLE as wife. His mom, he should have asked. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Am I the only one who finds it odd that the MIL is so upset that her daughter IN-LAW is not spending Mother's Day with her?  I could understand if her own son wanted to pass on the celebration.  But crap!  She's not even her own child.  This is so odd. 

    My ILs are cuckoo but I think they would be perfectly happy if their son got to spend time with them, with or without my presence.  It's MOTHER'S DAY - your MILs kids should spend time with her and you should spend time with your own Mom.  If it were feasible to do both at different times, great.  Clearly that's not the case this year, so you and your husband have to separate and do your own thing.  I would not have sat there and had that conversation because it's really that simple.

  • image EastCoastBride:
    My initial response - for every time she put it in you to ask what her plans were, she needed to be saying that to her son. That is not your ROLE as wife. His mom, he should have asked. 

    ummm....yea....I?m actually quite floored that 1 - the MIL said all of these things to OP and 2 - OP actually entertained this and went so far as to continue explaining why she would not be spending time with MIL on Mother's Day because the more you explain something to someone like this, the more you leave open for them to argue with you and try to get you to change your position.

    My brain still hurts with this thread, btw.... 

  • image JemmaWRX:

    Am I the only one who finds it odd that the MIL is so upset that her daughter IN-LAW is not spending Mother's Day with her?  I could understand if her own son wanted to pass on the celebration.  But crap!  She's not even her own child.  This is so odd. 

    No, you're not.  But it kind of explains her DHs weird attitude too.

    And OP - what you need to realize is that all of this seems to be about your DHs FAMILY.  you really need to push your DH on this and ask how he would feel if you actually discounted his family all in lieu of "but this is how MY family does it!"??

    He needs to realize that your family matters too and that there needs to be room for compromise. And "compromise" isn't his family making their plans w/o consulting YOU and then getting pissed when you don't adjust your plans around them.

    "consulting" and "compromising" goes both ways.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Wow, that lady had some nerve and is a bit self absorbed.

    Look, I am going to be completely honest with you.  You come across here as a pushover and a people pleaser.  Your husband, your mom and your MIL have all picked up on this trait of yours and know exactly how to hurt you and manipulate you.  They all know that you hate to disappoint and upset others, all at the expense of your own happiness and well being. 

     At a certain point you have to be comfortable with people being upset with you.  As long as you know you didn't do anything wrong, that is the most important thing.  Now, that being said, I am glad you are angry and I am glad that you can recognize that your MIL is being ridiculous.  That is very smart of you.  I am also really glad that you also made the decision to spend Mother's Day how you wanted.  That took a lot of strength.  Next time, don't sit there and let your MIL brow beat you.  Get up, smile and say that you can tell she is upset and will talk to her again when she is feeling better.

  • I just sat there incredulously for most of it but also told her my opinion when it mattered. It did't matter what I said anyway because she was till going to think that my excuse was unreasonable and I should have been more flexible with my plans. I stood up with a smile and the conversation ended with an oh well, it cannot be changed, I made up my mind, I'm sorry you feel that way kind of attitude. 
  • image MsPiggy37:

    image stw_77:
    Did you ever talk to your SIL ?  How did it go ?

    I didn't talk to the SIL because apparently my MIL decided to handle it herself. She texted me soon after my SIL did that she had heard rumors, and since she doesn't like rumors, she wanted to talk to me to clear things up. She wanted to either come over my house or me go over hers to talk. We live close to them, so I stopped by after work. I went in with my mind set that she was not going to make me go back on my decision.

     Basically, she told me that she "understands" me but does not think I am justified.

    Sorry but how you choose to spend Mother's Day is none of her concern.

     

    She compared me to my sister who lives out of town a couple of times, implying she would understand more if I was her and did not get to spend time with my mom all the time.(I told her MD has always been an important day for us and rolled my eyes at that).

    Again, she has a lot of gall to tell you how and when to see your own mother on Mother's day. 

     She mentioned she had "heard" that I had a family event the day before (that is how she started her side after she heard me out).I told her yes, there is a family thing one of my dad's cousin's wife is planning, but this is family we barely see and it is also for her daughter's b-day. Whatever, she cut me off and went on.

    She gave me some bogus excuse as to why we weren't told in the planning process (apparently she started planning with my SIL and then they got SIL FIL involved), and mentioned that I never went up to her and asked her what her plans were. She said it was just not possible this year to do an earlier lunch or a dinner (which is what would have worked better for me) because the reservation was done thanks to a friend of SIL FIL, and how it is so hard to get reservations to a restaurant on MD, bla bla.

     Hey, I get it.  They took the only reservations available at that time, but on the other hand they have no right to be upset that with you.  Those reservations and right smack in the middle of the day and make it difficult to see your mom.  Those plans don't work for you.  Simple as that. 

     She also tried to convince me that spending time with my mom after 6pm sounded good to her and implied there was nothing wrong withe me doing that (no thanks, I don't want my mom to be the secondary plans for mother's day).

    Again, that isn't for her to decide.  She has no place telling you how to celebrate Mother's Day with your own mother. 

    But none of these things really upset me. What really got my blood boiling were things that were blurted out (trying to remember as best I can the main points) such as:

    1-Remember when you get married it's not only taking from one side, you have to learn to give, and compromise.

    That is a pretty hypocritical thing to say.

    2-I think that my son has compromised a lot ever since you guys got married. Correct me if I am wrong, but he has actually given up more for you! (I corrected her)

    Wow, again that is none of her concern.  What does your husband do, run to his mommy every time you don't agree with him ?

    3- I have always been very understanding since you got married because I understand that time has to be split equally.

    4- I think YOU are in the wrong here.

    So what.  You know you are not and that is all that matters.

    5- I don't think it is worth it for YOU to make such a huge deal over this trivial thing and "drown yourself in a glass of water" (spanish expression).  

    Nope, they are the ones being weird about it.  Most people would have understood and let it go.

    6- I warned you before you got married to my son that when he gets really upset about something, he completely changes, shuts down, and there is no turning him back (what does this even mean??)

    Then maybe it is time for counseling because that isn't how adults should behave when they are upset.

    7-So you are saying it is worth it to do what you want in spite of upsetting your husband? 

    Sometimes yeah, especially if the husband is being ridiculous and unreasonable.  Besides, what is good for the goose is good for the gander.  Why is it ok for you to be upset but not him ?

    8- You want me to be honest with you? I think you are playing a power struggle game to see which one wins.

    I don't see it that way.  I see it as you setting strong boundaries and letting them know that you won't be pushed around.

    9-I don't remember you ever coming up to me and asking me what I was doing for Mother's day. You could have planned ahead and found out, but since no one one asked I went ahead and started planning.

    Hey, that's fine that she started planning, you understand that.  But she simply can't get upset her plans are in the middle of the day and don't work for you. 

      I know you guys have stuff to say about that! 

    So after taking all of these things calmly and responding to them in the most respectful way I knew how, she still said no hard feelings and that I would always be OK with her, that she loves me like a daugther (honestly I have never had any REAL problems with her) and that she understands my mom comes first, but she implied I was being unreasonable and selfish.

     What's done is done. I just really need to take things into my own hands next year and maybe start doing the planning myself. I AM NOT A PLANNER. And that is my biggest problem. But since some of you have pointed out, I gotta grow up and start making things happen for myself in order to avoid these situations. What a mess. For the record, my brain literally hurts too!

    Well don't be too hard on yourself,  even if you made plans ahead of time that doesn't mean they would fit in with the reservations made.  I imagine that is why 4 was the only time available because that doesn't work for most people.  I imagine most people do something with one mother in the morning and another at night. 

  • image MsPiggy37:
    I just sat there incredulously for most of it but also told her my opinion when it mattered. It did't matter what I said anyway because she was till going to think that my excuse was unreasonable and I should have been more flexible with my plans. I stood up with a smile and the conversation ended with an oh well, it cannot be changed, I made up my mind, I'm sorry you feel that way kind of attitude. 

    Good for you.

  • lol wow. i have ILs like that too, but i've learned to 1- let my DH handle them, and 2- not get roped into these types of battles of the will.  i wouldn't have gone to her and defended my position, it's mother's day and i want to spend it with my mother. end of story. i don't care about the rest of the noise.

    also please get on the same page with your husband regarding "family traditions" before you have kids, or your problem will get exponentially harder. 

  • For a lot of reasons you made the right decision to NOT spend MD with them. They are ridiculous and controlling. Your DH should have stood up for you and his family has no clue what compromise means, they think it is you go along or else pay a price. wth. You had a far better attitude during that conversation than I could ever have with someone who basically told me to toe the line. She is one mother I'll give you that, but stop thinking you married the whole family. Your DH is the problem.
  • image doglove:
    My brain hurts from this thread too. 

    This!  Holy sh*t, OP!  Your husband is a controlling child.  Your in-laws are being crazy and so is your mother.  Stop pleasing these people.  Grow up, be an adult, and stand up for yourself.  Do what you want tomorrow.  Jesus! 

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  • doglovedoglove member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Why are you even entertaining a conversation with this woman? It sounds like she's just using this as a way to force her opinion on you. I wouldn't have even met with her in the first place. It doesn't matter what she thinks you should do or how she feels. Giving her time and space to express this and put you down further only solidifies that it is acceptable for her to continue to do this to you. 
  • OP-any update on how the day went? Is your DH still upset? I hope you had a good one in any event!
  • Basically, your H had a temper tantrum because you wouldn't do what he wanted you to do. He then got your SIL, SIL FIL, and MIL involved in YOUR marriage! Talk about a drama queen, controlling, cry baby your DH is! You have a major DH problem and now you will have a MIL and SIL problem! What your MIL meant by stating "I warned you before you married my son when he gets upset, etc he shuts down and he changes," is your marriage will change, his feelings towards you will change, and your marriage will fail and you will be blamed for it all because you did not do what he wanted you to do. Your MIL has no say in what goes on in your marriage and it is none of her business. Your MIL just tried to manipulate you, just like your DH does. It is between you and your DH. Yes, when you marry someone, you do marry their family as well, however, you do not have to do what they say! You need to start growing balls, if you don't, your DH and his family are going to walk all over you. It isn't your responsibility to go up to your MIL and ask her what her plans are. It is your DH's responsibility to ask his mother. If your MIL and SIL want you at this lunch so damn bad, then it is your SIL and MIL's responsibility to clue you in! If she doesn't/didn't have hard feelings she wouldn't have stated all she has! I wouldn't have went to her home to have a discussion over something that was none of her business. I would have told her, your SIL, and your DH to go pound sand! Once you have a child with your DH, this situation will get worse unless your H changes his ways. I had a somewhat similar situation happen with my in-laws, except there was an infant involved. Once something was said to me, it was the last time they said something to me! I can't imagine how your day/evening was yesterday, but I really hope you enjoyed yoursefl without any type of dramatic bs!
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