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Sexless Marriage

Hello - I do know that this topic has been brought up again and again - I just was hoping to get some advice more specific to my problem.

 

My husband and I have been married for seven months after dating for three years.  We've never had a crazy sex life, but fairly decent.  In the past year and a half, I have not once had an orgasm during sex.  

In the past year or so  he never wants to have sex.  

One time, I put on sexy lingerie and came to greet him in the living room and he literally yelled at me to put my clothes back on.  He often rejects my advances.  

 After doing a lot of reading yesterday, I decided to ask him about it.  

He told me that he feels that he's not good enough for me in bed so and, "If I'm not good at something you know that I just don't do it."

 

We've talked about our sex life many times before - always out of the bedroom and in a non-confrontational way.  We tried to address the orgasm thing - I asked for foreplay, for him to want to help me enjoy myself.  Nothing has changed.

 

I just cried and cried after we talked.  Is this my marriage?  He's been thinking this for some time but didn't tell me.  I tell him everything.  He told me the night before that he's been pushing me away because he thinks im going to cheat on him - I am devoted to him!   There's nothing I've done to make him feel this way!

He said he's trying to protect himself - I always think of us as "We" -

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.  

BabyFetus Ticker

Re: Sexless Marriage

  • I hate to say it, but accusing you of cheating or planning to cheat is usually an indication that he's the unfaithful one. That or he's gay and won't admit it? He needs to talk to a therapist about why he thinks you are/will cheat. If he won't, then you need to start divorce proceedings because I don't see this working out if he's unwilling to even try anything.
  • The worry about cheating comes from his brother - he am his wife had similar issues that resulted in her cheating.  What e doesn't seem to understand is that she didn't just wake up one morning and decide to cheat.  
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • anssettanssett member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary
    from your timeline it seems like your sex life tanked long before you got married. Did you talk about it then? Did he already feel inept in bed and disinterested, but lied to you about why you weren't having sex?Aside from the cheating cr*p, this is a very big concern for me.  Healthy couples address concerns and fears like this together, not by lying to each other or withholding affection.
  • It's not that it tanked but there was law school and the wedding and finding a job...

    I don't know what to do from here.  I told him I was terrified of our live together if things stay like this.  He said tha "I'm terrified of things like bombing - not our sex life" 

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • image lpavone:

    It's not that it tanked but there was law school and the wedding and finding a job...

    I don't know what to do from here.  I told him I was terrified of our live together if things stay like this.  He said tha "I'm terrified of things like bombing - not our sex life" 

    Look, he either listens to you and tries to work on your sex life or you will have to decide if you are okay with a sexless marriage and a husband that doesn't care.

    Making statements like that are extremely telling, he is trying to brush you off and avoid a real conversation. If he thinks he is bad at it he won't get better unless he practices and you show him what works during. Therapy with a sex therapist is probably the best route you can take. This goes beyond reading a book b/c he is talking about his fear of cheating. Clearly he has always had these issues but you choose to believe otherwise.  

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  • It's really odd that he would just give up on trying to please.  I suppose I can understand that it can be emasculating but geez...  It's as if his ego is more important than a sexually satisfied spouse.  And the cheating accusations are really odd...

    I was on birth control and anti-anxiety medication for a while and both took a toll on my libido.  I know my husband was upset that I couldn't get in the mood and/or orgasm during sex.  But it didn't stop him from trying.  Your husband needs to put his ego on the shelf and grow up.

    When you asked for more foreplay, did he ever oblige?  If not, what's his hang-up? Have you tried to explain to him how a woman's body works?  It's not as simple as getting a hard on, inserting into a vagina, and finishing in 10 minutes!

    Question though - when you did/do have sex, do you manually stimulate your clitoris?  Or are you expecting a vaginal orgasm?  Vaginal orgasms are really hard to achieve.  I almost always stimulate my clitoris, whether with my own hands or a toy in order to have an orgasm.  Have you tried this?

    What do you think has changed in the past 18 months? 

  • OK,...a male perspective if you will take one....

     

    He is NOT 'levelling' with you,...there is much more going on than you think!

     

    It boils down to whether or not he wants to be married to you,....if he DOES value you as his wife and intimate partner,...not just the 'wife' to hang on his arm for the world to see he is 'normal' then he will make ANY efforts to put this right and give you what is actually a 'normal life'......

     

    There are reasons why he is not doign this already like any 'normal' married man but suspect some major reasons,...perhaps he is a closet gay (as they frequently act like this when they need to be married for societal reasons)   If he is not gay, or cheating with another woman, then there is major psychological difficulty.

     

    I suggest you make it plain to him that you want a normal life with his free and commited co-operation and enthusiasm or you will be FORCED to split......

     

    ....Set a time period for this to be resolved and be sure to KEEP TO IT...!!

  • Never had an orgasm???

    Didn't you investigate this on your own when the problem arose?

    Try masturbation. It's a guaranteed way to an orgasm. And then show him.

    Something is very very fishy here with the way he "explained" this to you. And any guy who can't show his wife affection --- in the bedroom and out of it --- has a problem.

    So is a guy who will not ensure your happiness -- by virtue of having your words fall on deaf ears and rejeting your advances, he isn't ensuring your happiness --- has a character issue.

    There's much more than a no-sex from your H issue going on here.  Often as not guys that pull this kind of stuff are getting theirs elsewhere --- he is probably having an affair. Second to that, he's simply decided no more sex with you and only he can tell you why that is.

    And I sure smell a big fat rat here:

     He told me the night before that he's been pushing me away because he thinks im going to cheat on him - I am devoted to him!   There's nothing I've done to make him feel this way!

    (This cements my suspicions of his affair-ness all the more)

    And this is a soft-soap mess -- say what???

    I don't know what to do from here.  I told him I was terrified of our live together if things stay like this.  He said tha "I'm terrified of things like bombing - not our sex life"

    This jerk's done nothing but find a weak assed excuse for not wanting to get busy. Be very very suspicious.

    What you can do:

    Sit him down and give him a deadline to start doing his husbandly duty. And if he doesn't ante up by the date --- give him a month --- get rid of this deadweight.  Have the marriage annuled in a civil court; he won't get intimate and that's a grounds for an annullment.

    You didn't get married to have a celibate roommate and one that is rude, crass and uncaring with zero character, to boot.  What a prize.

    Something is amiss here...if not an affair, he's decided marriage isn't for him and he's using "I'm so rotten in bed"as an excuse....and what guy says he's bad in BED?! ALL men think they are the hottest and the best, even if they had it off only once and he lasted exactly one minute, a thousand years ago!!!

    Are you sure he isn't gay???  Food for thought

  • image oldbugle:

    OK,...a male perspective if you will take one....

    He is NOT 'levelling' with you,...there is much more going on than you think!

    It boils down to whether or not he wants to be married to you,....if he DOES value you as his wife and intimate partner,...not just the 'wife' to hang on his arm for the world to see he is 'normal' then he will make ANY efforts to put this right and give you what is actually a 'normal life'......

    There are reasons why he is not doign this already like any 'normal' married man but suspect some major reasons,...perhaps he is a closet gay (as they frequently act like this when they need to be married for societal reasons)   If he is not gay, or cheating with another woman, then there is major psychological difficulty.

     I suggest you make it plain to him that you want a normal life with his free and commited co-operation and enthusiasm or you will be FORCED to split......

    ....Set a time period for this to be resolved and be sure to KEEP TO IT...!!



    I am suspecting he is gay, too --- he's bad in bed...

    Nice chuckle for the day...very nice. As i said, NO MAN anywhere will admit he is bad in bed, even if he is bad in bed.

    He's soft soaped his wife with every excuse he can find. Because who cheated?? There are millions of people who cheat every day! Wonder if he knows that? He can start using that as an excuse next.

    Gay is now my first suspicion.  Having an affair is now the second one.

    To the OP: don't settle for less and do not stand for his trite nonsense. If he won't ante up get rid of his .  You want a husband who cares and a husband who's affectionate and you also, I am sure, want a family some day in the future. This guy's going to provide jack on all levels.
  • StefB28StefB28 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments

    I agree with all of the PPs... I was in a similar situation with my STBXH. I would always try to talk to him about our lack of intimacy and one of two things happened 1) He would brush me off or 2) He would lie and say that things would change. They never did.

    Our sex life started out great and deteriorated slowly, until we got married and things just completely fell apart. Add to that, he was sexually abused as a child & we had a whole bag of issues. We were in and out of marriage counseling 4 times in 4 years.

    OP, what stands out to me about your DH is that he just doesn't care. That's a big red flag. Most "normal" men would be mortified at the idea of their wife having to beg for sex. So, while I don't know what the reason is (gay? cheating? issue from the past? issues with you?), I do know that you don't want to live this way. YOU know that you don't want to live this way.

    Counseling, immediately. And I would set a time limit for a resolution-- I don't think that you necessarily need to share that deadline with him, but have an idea in your head regarding when you expect a resolution. Counseling won't magically fix things in a week or even a month, so if your plan is to fight for your marriage, maybe 6 months? Just don't wait 6 years like I did.

    While I never thought I'd be a 32 year old divorced mom of 2u2 (believe me, it's a true miracle either of those babies were conceived), I cried so much more over the anguish of staying in a marriage like this, than I ever have over the idea of leaving it.

     

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  • Deadline, like I said.  And if he refuses to get cracking, do what's right by you. Put yourself first.

    He's selling you --- or trying to do it, anyway -- bullshit. He's worried about bombs, if you'll have an affair, that he's lousy in bed and that's why you're to go without a sex life. Sure, after that, it's poor you and you get to live with it? Haha. Sure.

    Yeah...so, that's it. He's lousy in bed and that's the end of it --- you're supposed to settle for things the way they are???

    Again, I have never ever heard of a male who will admit he is lousy in bed. Something is very weird here.

    Don't buy what he's selling. That he's lying to you and he thinks you're gullible enough to believe this garbage is the bigger problem you have.  Where did you find this guy, anyway? Like I said, he sounds like quite the prize.

    Another suggestion: see a sex therapist and a regular therapist on your own and tell them what you told us. What's happening isn't healthy and it's not normal.  Have never heard of a guy who's told his wife/gf/SO to put her clothes back on -- and I've never heard of a guy who openly admits he's bad in the sack; something sure is rotten in Denmark.

    This guy's got a boyfriend on the side. That's my sneaking suspicion.

    Wishing you luck.  Keep an eye out for any other suspicious behavior on his part, or suspicious charges that show up on your credit card statements --- call the number and ask what kind of service their company provides.

    Look for all the clues that you can find.

    And go as far as protecting your assets. Something is up; as i said, get to the bottom of this.
     

  • image lpavone:

    It's not that it tanked but there was law school and the wedding and finding a job...

    I don't know what to do from here.  I told him I was terrified of our live together if things stay like this.  He said tha "I'm terrified of things like bombing - not our sex life" 

     This really bothers me. He is trying to make you feel bad about your desire for a better sex life in your marriage, like you are being shallow, and that is wrong. Your sex life is an important part of your marriage, and you are greatly unhappy with it. The fact that he doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all is a big problem, even without considering if he is cheating or possibly gay. I would wonder if he shows this lack of caring in other areas of your life as well. If he is not willing to try and make things work in the bedroom, then I don't see how your marriage can last.

  • The OP hasn't been back. Pity.
  • Hi there

     

    First of all, I am sooo sympathetic to what you're going through - I am pretty much going through exactly the same thing, except the only difference is is that up until mine and my husband's wedding, our sex life was WILD. As in, it even became evident to our friends and family how much we fulfilled each other.  

     

    Since our wedding, we have had sex 3 times in 6 months, which for us is pretty horrendous.He has been very stressed/depressed due to his work situation, which is what he's blaming it on. I've tried to be as supportive as I can, but we had a fairly big showdown a few nights ago, where I basically indicated that unless we get professional help, and he sorts out what he wants, I'm gone.

     

    The problem is......I don't have any idea of any kind of time frame to put this all in. Do I wait 6 months for things to get better, or longer? I love him so dearly, with all my heart, and simply leaving and divorcing him would break my heart, I know, but I also know from reading these posts that staying in a sexless marriage is equally damaging, if not more so.

     

    Please help, Nesties!!! How long do I wait for the situation to improve, before throwing in the towel? 

  • Whoa!...hang on!....You are NOT "pretty much going thru the same thing"...you are going thru something completely different to the OP.    You HAVE had a very successful sex life, if your account is accurate.   Your problem is that your man is not able to give himself to it over the last few months since you have been married.

     

    ....In a while the 'girls' will be along to tell you to 'dump him' but before that happens PLEASE listen to a male input,.......give your man a break and give him the benefit of the doubt for a while longer.    Depression is a total passion killer for many men apart from the stress with whatever is wrong with his career.  Add to this the other stress of being newly married (to what sounds like a slightly fiery woman!) and it all adds up to a bit of a nightmare that would make many men go pale.......

     

    .........Just saying!

     

    You seem to be doing all the right things,...a 'once over by the doctor' might be good, but DON'T let him prescribe anti-depressants to your H.    Meanwhile just try to be a bit patient and understsanding and concentrate on the fact that in his natural state he is loving and passionate, an dmake him know that you expect him to be 'healed' eventually and things will be good again.

  • image rayerine:

    Hi there

     

    First of all, I am sooo sympathetic to what you're going through - I am pretty much going through exactly the same thing, except the only difference is is that up until mine and my husband's wedding, our sex life was WILD. As in, it even became evident to our friends and family how much we fulfilled each other.  

     My take on this:

    YOu and he were in the infatuation period, plus you were probably only seeing this guy's representative...and it was more or less the forbidden fruit of sex before marriage...or perhaps you thought he was red hot and he never was, in essence... and now that he is a permanent resident in your life with a legal attachment you are starting to realize he's not the biggest stud int he sack.

     

    Since our wedding, we have had sex 3 times in 6 months, which for us is pretty horrendous.He has been very stressed/depressed due to his work situation, which is what he's blaming it on.

    So what did he do for work before the wedding? There was no stress back then and all of a sudden after the I DOs were said, there was work stress???

    Somehow I ain't buyin' that.

     

    I've tried to be as supportive as I can, but we had a fairly big showdown a few nights ago, where I basically indicated that unless we get professional help, and he sorts out what he wants, I'm gone.

    So what did he do when you said that? His reaction -- and action --- will say it all, as loud as hell.

     

    The problem is......I don't have any idea of any kind of time frame to put this all in. Do I wait 6 months for things to get better, or longer? I love him so dearly, with all my heart, and simply leaving and divorcing him would break my heart, I know, but I also know from reading these posts that staying in a sexless marriage is equally damaging, if not more so.

     

    Please help, Nesties!!! How long do I wait for the situation to improve, before throwing in the towel? 



    6 months sounds fine for a deadline.

    What the greater problem is: If he does nothing to make sure you are sexually happy and fulfilled in the bedroom, it is a lack of character and lack of respect. He is supposed to make sure you are happy: that is his first priority in marriage, just the same as it's yours to make sure he is happy.
  • image rayerine:

    Hi there

    First of all, I am sooo sympathetic to what you're going through - I am pretty much going through exactly the same thing, except the only difference is is that up until mine and my husband's wedding, our sex life was WILD. As in, it even became evident to our friends and family how much we fulfilled each other.  

    Since our wedding, we have had sex 3 times in 6 months, which for us is pretty horrendous.He has been very stressed/depressed due to his work situation, which is what he's blaming it on. I've tried to be as supportive as I can, but we had a fairly big showdown a few nights ago, where I basically indicated that unless we get professional help, and he sorts out what he wants, I'm gone.

    The problem is......I don't have any idea of any kind of time frame to put this all in. Do I wait 6 months for things to get better, or longer? I love him so dearly, with all my heart, and simply leaving and divorcing him would break my heart, I know, but I also know from reading these posts that staying in a sexless marriage is equally damaging, if not more so.

    Please help, Nesties!!! How long do I wait for the situation to improve, before throwing in the towel? 

    Hey there Rayerine, I too am dealing with this situation, except it started after I got pregnant. We also had a WILD sex life before and now nothing. He also blames it on work stress, being tired, etc. but the excuses I have heard over the last two years have been pretty endless. When one issue resolves, another excuse pops up. No one can realize how devastating this is for a woman.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever deal with this situation.

    I would suggest looking at the I Live in a Sexless Marriage board on The Experience Project website. Some people have been dealing with this issue for YEARS (20-30 even) which makes me realize I need to come to some sort of resolution. I'm only 31 and I don't want to spend the next 50 years with no sex. I would definitely continue to pressure him to get counseling. We went to a few sessions, but in all honesty the therapist wasn't great.  I'm not sure a lot of normal therapists deal with this issue (I mean really how many men are there out there that don't want to have sex) so I would go to a sex therapist. I also read the book The Sex-Starved WIfe by Michele Weiner-Davis. I found it to be very helpful. As we have a little one, it is hard to focus on the strategies but she had good advice.  Send me a message if you ever want to chat :)  I know how awful this situation is as I live it every, single sexless day!!!

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    You didn't get married to have a celibate roommate and one that is rude, crass and uncaring with zero character, to boot.  What a prize.

    Something is amiss here...if not an affair, he's decided marriage isn't for him and he's using "I'm so rotten in bed"as an excuse....and what guy says he's bad in BED?! ALL men think they are the hottest and the best, even if they had it off only once and he lasted exactly one minute, a thousand years ago!!!

    Are you sure he isn't gay???  Food for thought

     This.  I really couldn't have put it any better myself.

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