Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

MIL Issues

DH and I have been married for 7 months. We have dated since we were 16 so we have been together for 5 years. Do MIL ever get out of your business and just accept you?

DH Cousin stayed with us at our home for a little over a month right before our wedding(was not my choice, DH did it without talking to me first) . It didn't last long because he could not respect DH and I relationship(told me that I had no say-so in my own home) So he moved in with my MIL. Becasue I didn't trust him, I asked DH not to bring him to our house. With all that had gone on, DH understood. Well, long story short, MIL got wind of it from cousin and MIL told DH he needed to handle me and that anyone in "their" family should be welcome at "his"(not Our) house. I held my tongue and since then MIL and I relationship has been very strained and at family gatherings, I am secluded from the rest of the family so I feel like they have all talked about situation and hate me for it. MIL and FIL do not come over to our house but see my DH sometimes when I am at work and he isn't.(she has even tried to get him to eat supper there instead of with me) I just feel like just because I don't like Cousin that she doesn't like me anymore. All that I did was protect my marriage and ourselves by asking DH not to bring cousin over. I have tried talking to DH and asked him to stand up for our marriage against his mother. Anyone with overbearing MIL issues? Has DH stood up for you and what did it take for him to finally do it?

Re: MIL Issues

  • Honestly, I wouldn't have married someone who thought it was okay to let another person move into my home without asking me. And if you've taked to dh to no avail, you have a real problem. I'd suggest counseling ASAP if both of you want to fix it. But good luck with a man who married you not knowing that meant he had to put you first, and to whom you never communicated that expectation.

    image

    "You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss

    TTC #1 August 2014. BFP 9/26! EDD 6/9/15
    Baby A born 6/17/2015
  • DH knows he made a mistake in letting cousin stay with us and apolgized for that. I can assure you that won't happen again. We had not been around cousin for awhile so he did not have any idea what cousin had become until I did my hmwk on him and cousin started making comments to me in my home. Thats when he had to go and DH has maybe seen him a handful of times since then. I made myself very clear about not wanting him around at all.

    I think DH is scared of his mom. NOONE ever stands up to her. I am the first to have done that from what I have been told. I have told DH over and over that I will not speak to MIL about her actions until I know he will stand up for me and our marriage. He does not want to have this conversation with his mom due to the fact that his relationship with his real dad is strained (this happened before we began dating)

     I guess when he gets home we are going to have a serious heart-heart about his mother and again about my expectations of him when it comes to her.  I might even suggest counseling but I doubt he will go. I honestly think he and everyone else has just done whatever she wants without arguing or having their own opinion  for so long that A) he doesn't know how and is scared to stand up to her and B) she doesn't like that I DO stand up to her. 

  • Look you have an a H problem. Yes, your MIL sucks and has no boundaries but your H isn't standing up to her. 

    What did he say to her after she told him to  "handle you"? Anything less than telling her off isn't okay. So the whole family views the house as "his", was this "his" house before you moved in? If so, move. Go get a house together because your H isn't making it clear that its your house just as much as his. 

    Look it sounds like no one in your Hs family respects you, your marriage or the life you two are trying to have. Your H also doesn't really respect you here, if he did he would tell MIL to stop, tell his cousin to stop telling everyone else what a POS you are and he wouldn't have had cousin move in to begin with.  

  • This really boils down to your husband... he invited this guy to your home without your knowledge or permission.  It's good that he realized his mistake and apologized.  But this is really his fault and you are the scapegoat.  He needs to nut up and tell his Mom that 1.  You had every right to ask cousin to leave "OUR" home and 2.  His Mom needs to start treating you with respect.

    Grown men that are afraid of their Moms are not only infantile, but don't make good life partners.  You're in this for the long haul now though.  You need to have a serious conversation with him about his role as your husband and what that entails.  By allowing his family to disrespect you, HE is disrespecting you and failing to provide you with love and support.

     

  • I know what DH is doing is wrong but he works with SFIL in very close and dangerous quarters. I think that is main reason that he hasn't said anything is because of his work/personal realationship with SFIL. I understand his hesitation because of that aspect but something has got to give.

    When she said he needed to "handle me", he was stunned and told her that I can handle myself and then told her later(when I was not there) that we didn't need her advice on our marriage. He did attempt to say something but she just blew it off.  I really want him to say more to her about it but this has gotten to be a long drawn out ordeal( she told him to "handle me" in October). I spoke to DH about it last night and we both agreed to go together to speak to her when he gets home. We might even include SFIL in convo so he knows exactly what is said to his wife.

    When he gets home, WE are going to get my name put on house as well. He bought the house when he was 19 but I picked it out and have lived in the house as long as he has. She has never even been in our house without me there.  I took MIL name off his bank account the week we got married. PTL!

     My main question is am I in the wrong in any of this? What could I have done differently?

  • image JemmaWRX:

    This really boils down to your husband... he invited this guy to your home without your knowledge or permission.  It's good that he realized his mistake and apologized.  But this is really his fault and you are the scapegoat.  He needs to nut up and tell his Mom that 1.  You had every right to ask cousin to leave "OUR" home and 2.  His Mom needs to start treating you with respect.

    Grown men that are afraid of their Moms are not only infantile, but don't make good life partners.  You're in this for the long haul now though.  You need to have a serious conversation with him about his role as your husband and what that entails.  By allowing his family to disrespect you, HE is disrespecting you and failing to provide you with love and support.

     

    I love my husband with everything that I am. I will do everything in my power to protect our marriage. I think that he knows I am to my breaking point and my temper is about to get the best of me. Thats why we decided to address the issue full front when he gets home.

    So should he speak to his mom alone or should I be in on Conversation too?

  • image PolkadotAP:
    image JemmaWRX:

     

    I love my husband with everything that I am. I will do everything in my power to protect our marriage. I think that he knows I am to my breaking point and my temper is about to get the best of me. Thats why we decided to address the issue full front when he gets home.

    So should he speak to his mom alone or should I be in on Conversation too?

    Personally, I think he should speak to her on his own.

  • image JemmaWRX:
    image PolkadotAP:
    image JemmaWRX:

     

    I love my husband with everything that I am. I will do everything in my power to protect our marriage. I think that he knows I am to my breaking point and my temper is about to get the best of me. Thats why we decided to address the issue full front when he gets home.

    So should he speak to his mom alone or should I be in on Conversation too?

    Personally, I think he should speak to her on his own.

    Exactly!!  You have to let him handle this and he HAS to handle it. Alone. 

    Also, I just knew the house was "his" as in he bought it. Yes, you absolutely have to have your name on this house just to protect yourself if something happens to your H. This needs to be done not only to get his family to get it is your house also but for that reasons as well.

    He has to stick with conversations with his mother no matter how much she tries to blow it away. Also, with SFIL he needs to also have a convo with him letting him know how he feels. He can't allow his mother to treat his wife like this and he can't worry about his job. I'm sure SFIL knows that MIL is OOL on some level.  

  • Thank  you Ladies!

    I will urge DH to go on his own and maybe ask him to speak to SFIL while they are gone to work. Hopefully we can get this whole issue fixed and I start a good relationship with MIL before any children come into the picture. I am afraid that will be another battle to win :)   I am new to the nest and you all are a huge help!

  • So far your H is the problem. It's YOU who has no say so in your home -- he made the decision without you and that's bad new.

    Then what do you want from an ickle little 21 year old? His age is showing. Beebee...that's a nice term the Nest hasn't used in ages, and that is what you and your H are: beebees.

    You are also a beebee because you can't stand up for yourself. The next time you get any type of ill treatment from her, let her know she's out of line and to stfu once and for all.

    Honey, if he hasn't stood up for you now he's not going to. Welcome to the life of a fifth wheel and second fiddle. Enjoy.
  • It sounds like your H and You are on the same page. And if he is working with SFIL then I can see why not wanting to push too hard is a problem. I am a firm believer in, if you are not happy then it is you who should speak up. I make it very clear to my ILs when their behavior is over stepping. Saying to handle you, is a clear violation of her role in yours and your husband?s marriage. You want her respect and to treat you better then make it clear to her you are not going anywhere and will not back down. You don?t have to tear her apart but EVERY TIME she says something or does something that bothers you speak up for yourself. I hate hearing your H should being doing this. NO YOU SHOULD. This is his mother for crying out loud. He said what he needed to say to her, it is now up to you to make sure she understands. Making your H handle these issues will only stress your marriage as you are making him pick sides.

     

    My MIL was the same way. I met H when I was 16 and it was hard for her to adjust to the fact that we are now grown adults who have boundaries that MUST be respected. Now she knows if she is going to interfere  where she doesn't belong she will be dealing with ME. Your marriage comes first. 

  • image bambiT86:

    It sounds like your H and You are on the same page. And if he is working with SFIL then I can see why not wanting to push too hard is a problem. I am a firm believer in, if you are not happy then it is you who should speak up. I make it very clear to my ILs when their behavior is over stepping. Saying to handle you, is a clear violation of her role in yours and your husband?s marriage. You want her respect and to treat you better then make it clear to her you are not going anywhere and will not back down. You don?t have to tear her apart but EVERY TIME she says something or does something that bothers you speak up for yourself. I hate hearing your H should being doing this. NO YOU SHOULD. This is his mother for crying out loud. He said what he needed to say to her, it is now up to you to make sure she understands. Making your H handle these issues will only stress your marriage as you are making him pick sides.

     

    My MIL was the same way. I met H when I was 16 and it was hard for her to adjust to the fact that we are now grown adults who have boundaries that MUST be respected. Now she knows if she is going to interfere  where she doesn't belong she will be dealing with ME. Your marriage comes first. 

    We met when we were 16 as well. I feel like H and I are on the same page. However, everyone bows down to MIL so I am just afraid that eventhough we have been together for over 5 years that the whole family still sees me as "new" because they didn't consider me family until we got married 7 months ago. That hurts too because my family loves my husband and has since we began dating(he is kinda amazing) Smile

    I am a very outspoken person usually.. but with her I am afraid the whole family is going to eat my lunch for standing up for myself and my marriage. I don't want a full blown war with my MIL or the whole family. I just want her to love me and respect me and my marriage to her son. I think DH and I  will go together and talk to her after DH and I have a discussion and get a game plan about what each of us think the boundarys should be.

  • image PolkadotAP:
    image bambiT86:

    It sounds like your H and You are on the same page. And if he is working with SFIL then I can see why not wanting to push too hard is a problem. I am a firm believer in, if you are not happy then it is you who should speak up. I make it very clear to my ILs when their behavior is over stepping. Saying to handle you, is a clear violation of her role in yours and your husband?s marriage. You want her respect and to treat you better then make it clear to her you are not going anywhere and will not back down. You don?t have to tear her apart but EVERY TIME she says something or does something that bothers you speak up for yourself. I hate hearing your H should being doing this. NO YOU SHOULD. This is his mother for crying out loud. He said what he needed to say to her, it is now up to you to make sure she understands. Making your H handle these issues will only stress your marriage as you are making him pick sides.

     

    My MIL was the same way. I met H when I was 16 and it was hard for her to adjust to the fact that we are now grown adults who have boundaries that MUST be respected. Now she knows if she is going to interfere  where she doesn't belong she will be dealing with ME. Your marriage comes first. 

    We met when we were 16 as well. I feel like H and I are on the same page. However, everyone bows down to MIL so I am just afraid that eventhough we have been together for over 5 years that the whole family still sees me as "new" because they didn't consider me family until we got married 7 months ago. That hurts too because my family loves my husband and has since we began dating(he is kinda amazing) Smile

    I am a very outspoken person usually.. but with her I am afraid the whole family is going to eat my lunch for standing up for myself and my marriage. I don't want a full blown war with my MIL or the whole family. I just want her to love me and respect me and my marriage to her son. I think DH and I  will go together and talk to her after DH and I have a discussion and get a game plan about what each of us think the boundarys should be.

     

    You aren't fing listening. She is not going to respect you if she can't respect her son first. She has to accept that her son is a grown, married adult and has started his own family. Once and if she can respect her son then you will follow. See my MIL can't accept this and after $$$ spent on counseling we cut contact.  

  • You should go with him and speak up. Say what you just said here. In order to have the relationship with her you want you have to show and tell her what you feel. As for the rest of his family not treating you like your one of them after all this time, I don't know what to tell you. Fix your relationship with MIL first then see how it changes. But your number one priority, any good mother will want this for their child, is to put your marriage first. This is the man you have chosen to share and build a life with. It is far more important that you all are strong united front. He should stand up for you and it seems he does. However at the end of the day she must know what her actions are doing to you. Women to women talk to her as you would anyone else. I have to take my MIL out once in a while to chat about how she sometimes tries to guilt us and manipulate us. This is just me and her no H. I calmly state how I feel, what I need from her, and if this keeps up H and I will have to rethink our boundaries. You are a team yes, but no child should feel stuck between a parent and a partner. Hope it goes well, would love to know what happens.
  • While it is important to understand yourself, your expectations of your husband and your marriage and your need to feel safe, protected and appreciated in your marriage (everyone needs this), I wonder if you and your husband would benefit from exploring what him and his mom's relationship really means to him. 

    You mentioned that your husband and his father are distant, and I wonder if your husband is scared of alienating his mother, perhaps because he may feel like he is all that she has left from their family unit or vice versa. I don't, by all means, insinuate that you ignore your own needs and concerns. The points you bring up with your husband are all valid. And, although he may have been misguided at first with the whole, cousin staying at your house fiasco, he really shows to make an effort to set it right and defend your and his relationship to what sounds like an intimidating person.

    I brought up exploring what the relationship means to your husband, because it may lead you to a better understanding of what seems like frustrating behavior (taking a backseat, being passive, etc.) and he will also be appreciate of you trying to come down to him, on his level and where he is at in his relationship with her. This takes the focus off of his mother, and instead places it where it belongs: the relationship between you and your husband. 

     

  • You got married too young to a guy whose family has no boundaries, and who himself doesn't respect your opinion.

    My advice?  DTMFA.  Go back to school.  Learn how to write in a way that conveys meaning.  I won't lie...I had trouble understanding your post because it was so poorly written.

  • Wow people can be rude (no need to tell people to go back to school) seriously this a forum where people are upset and reaching out for help! If you can't understand the post don't read it/respond to it.  Anywho I digress, I think you guys need to be a united front with his mom and go talk to her together.  He needs to tell his mom in front of you (and she needs to see it as well) that it is none of her business what happens in your home and you can make marital decsions together and that he will not have anyone (family included) staying in your home if they do not respect his wife.  I would let him do a majority of the talking and when she gets defensive I would maybe have a practiced statement that says we are not here to start an argument we just need your support for our marriage and then leave. She needs to learn that she cannot start rumors or tell his whole family gossip because it is not ok and will not be accepted by your husband to treat you this way.  It's hard, I know how it feels to have the MIL treat you like the bad guy.  Don't let her interfere in your marriage or manipulate you and definately don't tolerate her talking bad about you as it definately sets up future resentment and uncomfortable family gatherings.  Your husband realized his mistake and now you guys need to sit down and figure out how you are going to discuss this with your MIL and move past this.  Good luck! 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards