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Another In-Laws Post, what else is new...

Mainly posting because I need to vent...It's a long story but I'll try to keep it as short as I can.

 My FI and I (getting married in a year) are looking for a house. We currently live together in a small house and although it's a little cramped for space, it's not unbearable. Nonetheless, we really would like more space and we have the means to afford a bigger place.

 We've been looking at houses for almost 6 months now. We're not in a rush, which makes it nice because we're able to really see what we want and don't want. We've come a bunch of conclusions, including that we want to be in one of two suburbs in our small-medium sized city and we want a four bedroom, 2.5 bathroom.

Well, we found a great house with everything and more than we wanted! We brought my ILs to see the house because my FI really wanted them to see it first (I know, that's another issue all together - they shouldn't be involved, but oh well) and they were like "it's okay".

Later that day we decided to put in an offer regardless of their less than enthusiastic reaction. We didn't tell his parents before putting in the offer because I told him not to. This is mainly because a few months ago we wanted to put in an offer on a house and they were much less than happy about it - I'll get to why in a minute...

After putting in the offer, he told his parents. They FREAKED OUT. His dad literally yelled at him on the phone for 20 minutes - telling him that the house is too expensive and too big for us. His dad went on to say that "he thought he was smart with numbers but putting in the offer was just stupid and ridiculous". In reality, it's not too expensive, my FI is an accountant and is in fact, very good with budgeting and running numbers. We can definitely afford this house. 

On the note that it's too big, well maybe. Yes, we won't need all four bedrooms for probably 6-8 years, but we want a four bedroom because it gives us the option of not having to move someday once kids come. 

This same thing happened the previous time we were looking, which is why my FI didn't initially tell them we were putting in an offer. We never put in an offer on the last house because they hated it so much.

On another note, I think another reason they don't want us to buy any of the houses we are looking at is because his mom doesn't like the area. We've realized this because his mom offered us $15,000 to buy an ever bigger house over our budget in a neighborhood she loves and which also happens to be 3 minutes from her house. The neighborhoods we are looking at are 15 minutes away and she has already commented "it are so far out". In reality, it is a much more convenient location IMO.

My mom says that his parents shouldn't be involved in OUR home buying process, which is true. We are both adults and can make our own decisions. However, it is very difficult when his parents make him, and therefore me, very upset when we do tell them any little thing. 

I know one obvious solution is not to tell them anything until we buy a house. My FI and I don't want to do this though, mainly because we both know they would be hurt and probably more furious. We're also both very close to our respective parents and talk about things with them. I really don't blame him for not wanting his parents to be furious at him. I don't want them to be yelling at him either.

I feel like no matter what, they will never be happy though. The only other thing I can think of is sit down with his parents and my mom, who is very supportive of our decisions and knows we can afford a house, and discuss with everyone why we want what we want and how we will be buying a four bdr, 2.5 bath, in our budgeted price range no matter what. My mom will be present to help our cause haha.

I know it's probably a stupid idea, but I can't stand it anymore. This isn't the only thing his parents are freaking about either. They think our traditional wedding is too extravagant also. I guarantee it is not. We are so far keeping to our very reasonable $12-15000 budget. Just because their wedding reception was at a park and pizza and wings were served, doesn't mean ours is going to be. Their wedding was NOT NORMAL!

Omgsh and you should have seen them when we mentioned our plans for our honeymoon to Maui. You would have thought we were planning a trip to the moon or buying our own private island. They of course went on a hiking trip a few hours away.

They think that just because they didn't have any money when they got married and couldn't afford things that we can't either. We both have good jobs and the means to afford this stuff.

Okay, I could go on, but I'll stop.

Oh, and btw, we didn't get the house. After his parents reaction though, we're a little relieved, which is sad :( 

 

Re: Another In-Laws Post, what else is new...

  • image katieluce:

    I feel like no matter what, they will never be happy though. The only other thing I can think of is sit down with his parents and my mom, who is very supportive of our decisions and knows we can afford a house, and discuss with everyone why we want what we want and how we will be buying a four bdr, 2.5 bath, in our budgeted price range no matter what. My mom will be present to help our cause haha.

    I am sorry, but this is a terrible idea.  Grown ups don't need one set of parent's permission to spend their own money to buy a home they both like.  They especially don't need the other's mom to help them explain their case.  This will only give them the impression that their opinion matters and it doesn't.   Go out and buy the home that works for the both of you and have the wedding  and honeymoon you want and can afford.  If discussing these events with the ILs upsets them, then don't talk to them about it. 

    Look, I understand that you don't want to upset his parents, but you know what, sometimes upsetting your parents is just a part of growing up. I upset my parents when I told them I wouldn't be around for Christmas morning and my husband had to upset his parents when he told them they can't dictate how we spend our vacation time. They didn't like it and yes they were really upset when we told them no and we were doing our own thing, but you know what, the earth kept on spinning. In fact, I believe that they respect us more now because they know that we won't be pushed around and manipulated.

  • You don't tell them anything until decisions are finalized.  If they get their feelings hurt, you tell them the truth.  That it's hard for you to make decisions as adults on your own when they scream at you about them.  That you appreciate they mean well but they need to back off and let you make your own decisions, and possibly, your own mistakes.  You DON'T get your mom involved with your issues with your inlaws.  That's insane and will make things soooo much worse.  All that does it pit them against one another and cause the ILs to start yapping at your FI about how he obviously values your mother more than them and blah blah blah. I can't stress how bad an idea that is.
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  • I'd leave your mother completely out of any intervention type group discussions with his parents - you are going to achieve nothing more than pitting them in some sort of competition with your family which is not what you want.

    Based on what you have said about your wedding and honeymoon it seems as though they are very focused on cost and saving money where possible - which means to me that it is more a habitual thing and not necessarily the personal thing that you are taking it as.

    Try adjusting your expectations of their reactions to your major financial decisions - they are his parents, of course they should want to be involved however, if they say they don't like the house tell them that you're sorry they feel that way - you guys think that it is perfect for your little family and that it is within your budget - and leave it at that. Just leave it. They push it? Repeat, and change the subject to something ridiculous like "don't you just love the entryway? I think the neighbours look really nice too!"

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  • The best thing you can do is set up boundaries now. Yes it will hurt a little but in the long run it will be better for everyone. Parents are meant to be a sounding board, offer advice, etc. They are not allowed to dictate decisions or pout and get mad when you don't do what they want. If they attempt these things ignore it and move on. You and your DH need to stop including them so much and do not take any money from them. Clearly it comes with strings. 
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  • You can't make everyone happy. Your FI just needs to tell them that your circumstances are different, and if they keep yelling put down the phone/ignore them. What is more important, making the best decision for you or making everyone happy?

    Living 3 minutes from his parents is also a BAD idea. Of course they think it's great! They obviously like being over-involved! 

    They have no reason to be so involved in your spending decisions. Nip this in the bud. You can tell them what is going on. But you don't have to listen to their reaction when they are being unreasonable any more than you would listen to any other person. 

  • This exact same thing happened when my H & I were in the process of buying our house. OP, in the end, you and your H need to do what is best for you. You know how your IL's are, so you need to keep them out of major decisions like this - period. And your H needs to be on board with this too, otherwise you are going to have a very big problem.

     I actually have no problem talking to parents about things of this nature because I'd say most parents have been through the home buying process and can offer some valid advice if you are a first time buyer or tell you things to look out for when you are looking at homes, etc etc. That said, there is a fine line between offering advice and being overly-involved. My parents were very helpful when we were looking - any questions or advice they had on things to look out for was a big help. I showed my mom pictures of homes that we were looking at, and sometimes she would notice things that we did not (such as water mark on the ceiling of one home, indicating a potential plumbing problem, which we decided to skip seeing after she pointed that out). My IL's on the other hand made the process extremely stressful - more than it needed to be - especially for something that is supposed to be a happy time. In the end, I had to put my foot down because there were a few houses that we liked and were considering making offers on that got railroaded by my IL's because my H took them to see the house and 'oh no, there's big problem with this house...why don't you look at this nice 2 bedroom CO-OP that is 2 minutes from our house'.  They even offered to give us money so we could afford something 'better' that was close to them, but better to them was all small dinky little co-op apartments that we just did not want. Not when we knew we could get a whole house for the same or even less money.  

    ps - whenever you guys do find the house you want that works for you, do not, I repeat, do not have your IL's there at the closing. I'm not even going to go there with that one....in the end, we got the house we wanted and are very happy, but good god, it did not have to be that stressful to get there :)

  • These people are nutty.

    They also don't know the cost of a wedding today,  versus one 30 years ago.

    Go ahead and buy what you want, in the future....mum's the word...and if you can find a third party to step in -- a third party who his parents would listen to --- have them talk to your ILs about their nuttiness. Maybe after that, they'll tone it down or just cut it out completely.
  • Oh Lord. 

    See you know what you and your FI should do but you also know that FI won't do it. All through your post you state over again "I know we should XY&Z", and you are 100% right. What you aren't saying is why it isn't happening. Let me guess, your FI can't/won't/isn't going to do it.

    You have a FI problem. Instead of sitting his parents down (which is a BAD idea/I'll explain why in a sec) you need to sit your FI down. You have to explain to him that going forward his parents are not to be told or know anything until it is done and finalized. Your FI has to be the one to sit his parents down and tell them to knock it off. You two are adults and they need and have to start respecting you both and the choices you make. Until they do that they will be the last to know anything about you two.

    The fact that your future MIL offered money to get her way shows to me that his parents are controlling and money is a pawn they use to control. Do not ever accept or take money from them.  

  • The solution to this seems like common sense.  Don't have any terrible "sit down" with your IL's and your mom (this especially is terrible-pinning in-laws against each other in stances??) and just go about your business.  It is YOUR BUSINESS along with your husbands.  Not anyone else's.  Who cares if his parents get upset that they aren't included.  They'll get over it.  Their son grew up and married a woman he's chosen to make a life with.  It's time for them to put their faith in him and trust that he (and you) will make the right decisions for yourselves.  Also, your husband needs to remember he's not a kid anymore and that he needs to be comfortable making big choices with you and you alone.  

    I would seriously put a stop to all of this now.  If you don't, how's it going to be when you have your own children and his parents don't agree with your parenting? It sounds like they'd have no problem stepping in the middle. 

  • You are grown ups. Sitting down with mommy and daddy and listing reasons why you want to buy a house is childish behavior. Do what's best for yourself and your FI and stop worrying about pleasing your parents. 

    And I will add, if you do not get a handle on this behavior now, it will only get WORSE once you get married, have kids, etc. If you think marriage is going to change these problems you're wrong - it will exacerbate them.  

  • Thanks to everyone who replied. 

    RWilsonny, you seemed to have gone through the exact same thing as me. Sorry you did, but at least you got through it okay...

     And we definitely have no intention on taking any money from his parents, especially not to live anywhere near them. 

    I know the intervention thing is a bad idea, it was just like - I'm at my breaking point. My fiance and I had a long discussion about all of this too. I told him that I can't take this anymore every time we go to buy a house and that I'm not putting up with it. His parents are the type that everything you tell them goes on deaf ears because the last time this happened he spoke with his parents about us making the decisions and blah, blah, blah, but they started at him all over again this time.

    For the very reason that we aren't experts in the home buying process, we wanted either his parents, my mom or all three parents to see the house, on the chance there could have been something wrong that we didn't notice but I have a feeling we won't be inviting his parents anymore.

    And I already realize this will get worse when we have kids. Comments they've made already makes me realize this. Like the fact that "Well, does it matter what school district you live in? You'll want them to get a good education with private school" (Which I take offense to because I got a great education at my public high school, which happens to be rated even above most of the private schools in the area, but that's another issue).

    Luckily my FI just ignores most of the crap they say, like that and the stuff they're saying about the wedding and honeymoon. The house thing is the tough one though.

    Thanks again for the advice! 

  • Well they have proven that they have an agenda so you can't trust their opinion about a house not really close to them.  They will find a problem with every single home you show them, so don't even waste your time.

    Listen, when you do buy a home, and it isn't a home within three minutes of their home, they will get upset.  There is no way around it.  However, he certainly does not have to stand there and let his parents yell at him.  He can walk away or hang up on them.  Prepare yourselved for their reaction and how you will react in return.  This kind of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud now because once they learn that they can manipulate you both, then they will continue. 

  • image katieluce:

    Thanks to everyone who replied. 

    RWilsonny, you seemed to have gone through the exact same thing as me. Sorry you did, but at least you got through it okay...

     And we definitely have no intention on taking any money from his parents, especially not to live anywhere near them. 

    I know the intervention thing is a bad idea, it was just like - I'm at my breaking point. My fiance and I had a long discussion about all of this too. I told him that I can't take this anymore every time we go to buy a house and that I'm not putting up with it. His parents are the type that everything you tell them goes on deaf ears because the last time this happened he spoke with his parents about us making the decisions and blah, blah, blah, but they started at him all over again this time.

    For the very reason that we aren't experts in the home buying process, we wanted either his parents, my mom or all three parents to see the house, on the chance there could have been something wrong that we didn't notice but I have a feeling we won't be inviting his parents anymore.

    And I already realize this will get worse when we have kids. Comments they've made already makes me realize this. Like the fact that "Well, does it matter what school district you live in? You'll want them to get a good education with private school" (Which I take offense to because I got a great education at my public high school, which happens to be rated even above most of the private schools in the area, but that's another issue).

    Luckily my FI just ignores most of the crap they say, like that and the stuff they're saying about the wedding and honeymoon. The house thing is the tough one though.

    Thanks again for the advice! 

    Well, you do want to consider school districts for several reasons. One, if you guys intend to stay in the home for a while and have children, you ideally want them in a decent school district (unless you can afford to send them to private school), but also, if you intend to later sell the house, it will be more attractive to buyers if it is in a good school district.

    Back to the original topic of your IL's interference - both you and your fiance need to be on the same page and you need to put your feet down with them, because it really will get worse if you don't. And your FI needs to stand up to them otherwise that is really a problem. It's great that he is able to ignore them, but he needs to tell them to knock it off. And continue to do that until they get the message. Also, they don't need to physically see any house you guys are thinking to buy - do you guys know anyone who is a structural engineer that can come take a preliminary look with you? That's what we did with the house that we wound up buying....we took him, instead of my IL's to see the house and once everything checked out ok, we made our offer and then had a formal inspection etc etc....

  • Yeah, you really need an inspector(we are also going through the process). Inlaws and unprofessional advice are nice preliminaries, but make your offer contingent on inspection. 
  • Do you really want to marry someone that is always going along with his parents. If he keeps doing this it will not change once you get married. DH and I almost broke up (prior to get married) because of this. Once he saw that I was serious and not playing about his role and his parents' role we were fine. I had been on my own for A LONG time did not need parental gudiance.

    I agree with the PP you had FI problem.

  • I really have a problem with your husband's 20 minute phone call with his parents. If they were yelling for that long, why didn't he hang up? If it were me, I wouldn't let them have the chance to yell at me for something that isn't their business. 
  • image PrincessVegan:
    I really have a problem with your husband's 20 minute phone call with his parents. If they were yelling for that long, why didn't he hang up? If it were me, I wouldn't let them have the chance to yell at me for something that isn't their business. 

    This is true. I'm wondering if OP's future ILs are not originally from the US because some cultures, this kind of behavior is the norm, meaning the children, no matter what age they are, do and say whatever the parents tell them to do and the parents are very very involved in their kid's lives and business. To hang up or talk back is seen as disrespect. And to do things like buy a house without involving them is the ultimate betrayal.

    I obviously do not agree with this, nor was I raised this way, just trying to figure out if this is why OP's future H is the way he is when it comes to dealing with his parents. If this is the case, then OP, you seriously need to think long and hard whether or not you want to get married because this is something that will definitely not change, probably will get worse, and if you do decide to go through with the wedding, you better have a very thick skin because these people will be around for a long long time and you are going to be dealing with this kind of nonsense.  

  • Who will be living in the house and paying for it? There you go...that is your answer. They can think whatever they want about your desicions but at the end they are yours to make! You and your H will figure out if it was good/bad and deal with it accordingly when the time comes...I think that applies for every decision you make as a couple. Let them be upset if they choose to, they'll get over it. 

    catmiss9
  • You sound like you know your problems already (you mentioned the fact that you brought them to see the house before putting an offer) and you are right that is a problem.  The fact the your MIL thinks 15 minutes drive away is far is funny to me (and not far enough away). 

    You obviously tell your in-laws a lot of information and they have strong opinions on everything.  You guys need to remember that you are not children living under their roof and you do not need their permission or approval on everything.  Yes you want open communication and yes you want to keep them included in your life but you need to tell them that you are not asking their permission you are informing them of your decision. 

    It's only going to get worse if you let them continue to tell you what to do.  If you cannot put an offer on a house without letting them see it first then you are setting yourself up for no boundaries and allowing them to manipulate you.  You don't need to explain your decisions to your in-laws just as they don't need to run everything through you guys. 

    It's not lying or deceitful if you keep things between you and your husband.  Learn to limit the information you tell them, not everything is their business.  I'm guessing you are not at your boiling point yet with their intrusiveness because you seem to still defend them.  I hope you can find a middle ground that gets you guys what you want (you are the ones that have to live their after all and pay the bills).  Remember your financial situation is none of their business and do not feel guilty to remind them that while their thoughts and opinions are welcome, your house purchase and wedding decisions (and where you honey moon) are yours as a couple to ultimately make.   

  • I am so sorry this is happening to you! I am having similar situations with my FIL's and the house buying experience. They didn't flip out when we put in an offer, but they really were less than pleased with the house we picked. F's sister's house is extremely nice and super expensive, so I'm sure that is the bar we are being held to. You guys need to keep up a united front and explain to them (calmly) that, while you really appreciate their experienced input ;), that it's your decision and they should respect that, and that you are adults and capable of making your own decisions about things. If you know you can afford it, then go for it. It's your life and you guys deserve to be happy and not have every move you make criticized by people with different lives. They need to be supportive of you at this point! If they aren't doing that, you guys may need to put more than 15 minutes between your locations. For real. A little distance can buy a LOT of piece of mind. My FIL's DID flip out about the whole 30 minute commute that exists between our new house and my FSIL's house. As if I want them coming over anyway. (P.S. I hate them because they are consistently RUDE as hell to me).

    Bottom line, stick to your guns and do what is right for you as a couple. Tune their complaints RIGHT ON OUT. 

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