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Why am I not attending his company parties?

My fianc? and I have been engaged for 3 months and dating for a year.

We are in the process of looking for a home for our family. He has a 5 year old son from a previous marriage and we are in the process of trying to get pregnant.

As a vet he gets quiet a bit of attention from his younger highly attractive staff and I worry that I still have not met a single co-worker of his. I?ve offered to bring him lunch on countless occasions yet he insists he is entirely too busy to eat.

 

Last night he went to yet another company party without giving me a heads up, let alone an invite. He says that these kinds of parties no one brings spouses or fianc?s to however I bring him to my company outings every single time. I?m not unattractive or anything to be embarrassed over. Am I crazy for starting to be suspicious or feeling the sting of insecurities?

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Re: Why am I not attending his company parties?

  • I would be suspicious, though not rush to conclusions. How about dropping in for a quick visit around a lunchtime? Just as a surprise, maybe with a small gift or card. 

     Also, request that he put the parties on the calendar for courtesy's sake.

    Give up trying TTC until you are satisfied about your fears.

  • Have you spoken to him about this?

    If the affair is "bring your spouse/SO" it is odd he is not complying.

    Not to mention it is rude to YOU.

    Nip this in the bud NOW, Do it before you get married. And do not get married until this issue is resolved to your satisfaction. if it means you put the wedding on hold until you get to the bottom of this, so be it.

    Also do NOT get pregnant. Don't even think of TTC until you are certain you are married to a man who is thrilled to let everyone know who you are...including the people he works with.
  • I probably wouldn't plan to marry someone I didn't trust, and I certainly wouldn't try to conceive a child with him.
  • image renegade gaucho:
    I probably wouldn't plan to marry someone I didn't trust, and I certainly wouldn't try to conceive a child with him.

    Same here. Why are you trying to get pregnant with a man you aren't even married to yet? Slow down.  

  • At first when I saw your post title, I thought not necessarily weird. One company I worked for did not have spouses come to work social events. It was the culture. Not my favorite, which is why I don't work there now. It was like, we don't care about your outside life.

    But that was a larger company. I would assume that a vets office would be smaller and would have spouses come, although he's saying they don't.

    Does he give you other reasons not to trust him? I wouldn't say OMG totally cheating based on your post, but in connection with other stuff, it may be a warning sign. But I absolute agree with PPs that if you don't trust him, don't marry him! And don't keep trying to have a baby with him! 

  • If we knew what he did for a living it would help to see if this is just a way it is thing vs a he is out flirting with the young girls thing. 

    Why are you trying to have a baby before getting married? I will never understand this line of thinking.  

  • image MLE2010:

    Why are you trying to have a baby before getting married? I will never understand this line of thinking.  

    Exactly this! I have a hard time understanding why people insist on TTC before being married. One leap at a time people.

    If you are having concerns on why he isn't communicating with you on work functions, and not including you in them. Then please stop TTC, and stop looking for a home together. Communicate with him, and let him know these are concerns of yours. You have only been together for a year. That is not much time to fully understand each other. Slow down and have a conversation!

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  • image TarponMonoxide:


    Also do NOT get pregnant. Don't even think of TTC until you are certain you are married to a man who is thrilled to let everyone know who you are...including the people he works with.

    I agree with this. I don't have much to say in regards to TTC before being married. The way I see it a woman's uterus doesn't need a marriage certificate in order to function properly, if this is what the involved parties want. Nonetheless in your case I would definitely make knowing your partner MUCH better before making any such decisions. 


  • How many "company parties" is he having in a year? and why in the middle of March? I would find out if it is a company event or some people hitting the bar after work. Something isn't right here.
  • image TxCrazyMom:
    How many "company parties" is he having in a year? and why in the middle of March? I would find out if it is a company event or some people hitting the bar after work. Something isn't right here.


    It might be a sales award meeting or some other type of event.
  • image MLE2010:

    If we knew what he did for a living it would help to see if this is just a way it is thing vs a he is out flirting with the young girls thing. 

    Why are you trying to have a baby before getting married? I will never understand this line of thinking.  

    It said he's a vet. I assumed the animal kind, but maybe she means he's a veteran and the girls like the guy in uniform.
  • Is he paying for these parties ?  Maybe he feels if he brings his fiancee then his employees will want to bring their SOs and essentially double the bill ? 

    Not saying it is the most polite thing to do, but it happens.  Where my husband works, spouses are only invited to the Christmas party.  Other parties are considered employees only. 

  • image Golden42:
    image MLE2010:

    If we knew what he did for a living it would help to see if this is just a way it is thing vs a he is out flirting with the young girls thing. 

    Why are you trying to have a baby before getting married? I will never understand this line of thinking.  

    It said he's a vet. I assumed the animal kind, but maybe she means he's a veteran and the girls like the guy in uniform.

    I kept reading it and I'm unsure of the two choices it is. Lol

     

  • Wait a minute.  If you've never met anyone he works with, then how do you know that his coworkers are young, attractive, and that they give him lots of attention?  He's telling you all of these things, isn't he?
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Wait a minute.  If you've never met anyone he works with, then how do you know that his coworkers are young, attractive, and that they give him lots of attention?  He's telling you all of these things, isn't he?
    Hmmm... good point. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • Are they "parties" or happy hours?  My husband works in sales and his previous employer and current employer have happy hours and company events once every other month or so.  Spouses/fiancees/significant others don't attend.  It's usually an hour and half to two hours.  I don't think that's odd.  But if these are legitimate and frequent "parties" then... maybe something weird is going on.

    I have to agree with PPs - if you don't trust him, you shouldn't be marrying him and you sure as sh!t should not be trying to conceive.  Do you think that will magically make all your insecurities disappear? 

  • Everything about this post screams your rushing to quickly and there are some serious issues that need to be discussed. 
  • He talks about them a lot. I'm known for my facebook tendancies and well, it's not hard to figure out.
  • yes we've talked about this, always the same response. This is the ONLY issue i have with my fiance. I trust him, but he gets DRUNK at these parties majority of the time... Comes into bed and passes out. He's currently out with the other doctors right now. It's quite a regular thing.
  • We've been best friends for our entire lives, I haven't gotten pregnant and have had a few misscarriages. We're trying to start the process now due to our concern that I wont be able to get pregnant and that will factor in the wedding plans. All the tests are already eating at our pockets and our wedding savings, that he started saving 9 months ago.

  • I attend happy hours for my job and I always bring him along. I hate giving people the wrong impression.
  • Did I forget to mention, we aren't 'facebook' official after all this time. both our profiles are hidden relationship status. Mines been that way for work for over 3 years, his I don't know why... Thank you all, your right. I need to push all this planning aside and get back to the trust we use to have.
  • How does he get home when he gets DRUNK?  Does he drive?  If so,k that's a HUGE issue.

    I'll say this- right now this is WHO he is.  If you get married, THIS is who you're marrying.  You need to figure out how serious this is to you and work from there. 

    And put of TTC for now.  I get your concerns, but bringing a child into a relationship that does have a major issue is NOT a good idea.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image EastCoastBride:

    How does he get home when he gets DRUNK?  Does he drive?  If so,k that's a HUGE issue.

    I'll say this- right now this is WHO he is.  If you get married, THIS is who you're marrying.  You need to figure out how serious this is to you and work from there. 

    And put of TTC for now.  I get your concerns, but bringing a child into a relationship that does have a major issue is NOT a good idea.

    I agree w/ ECB. This is who he is, that doesn't mean that you have to accept it. It also doesn't mean that you can change it either. If you don't want the type of guy who gets drunk with his work buddies and crashes when he gets home, don't marry him.  

  • image mariahhopek:
    He talks about them a lot. I'm known for my facebook tendancies and well, it's not hard to figure out.

    What does this mean?  Do you snoop in his facebook account?

  • image TarponMonoxide:
    Don't even think of TTC until you are certain you are married to a man who is thrilled to let everyone know who you are...including the people he works with.

    I honestly think that this is hands down the best advice and phrase I have ever seen on The Nest. 

    image

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  • image Tofumonkey:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    Don't even think of TTC until you are certain you are married to a man who is thrilled to let everyone know who you are...including the people he works with.

    I honestly think that this is hands down the best advice and phrase I have ever seen on The Nest. 

    Yeah - I agree.  You really do have to wonder about a person who doesn't want to "show you off" and isn't proud to be with you.

    Honestly- I have a hard time believing that ALL these get together's never, ever involve spouses.  If you're having a hard time w/ this, you really think the rest of the staff doesn't also have the same issue w/ their SO?  Either that, or they are all single and he's enjoying going out and doing the "single" thing - which is something else to think about too. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • image renegade gaucho:

    image mariahhopek:
    He talks about them a lot. I'm known for my facebook tendancies and well, it's not hard to figure out.

    What does this mean?  Do you snoop in his facebook account?

    I was wondering what this meant as well. Unless he is friends with all these female co-workers and she can see that.  

  • In simple terms (and after reading all the rest of the comments), it's because he's behaving like a man who 1. doesn't want others to know about you, 2. your relationship, or 3. the extent of said relationship.

    It's been over a year you've been involved? And you're not on his FB? You haven't met any co-workers?? Yeah, no!! Have you met any of his closest friends? Male friends? Do they have girlfriends/wives/fiances? Go ask the ladies what they think, in person if possible. And watch their eyes, and their body language.

    And I have to agree with the previous statements about how this drunk man is who you are planning on marrying. He is SHOWING YOU who he is. You obviously have a problem with this behavior or you wouldn't be here now. Have you discussed the work environment with him, about how you would like to actually meet these people? If not, try it. Then if he acts like an idiot and gets angry or perturbed then so be it, say, "NEXT!" and move on down the road because that will be your answer. And trust me, you don't want to make a vow to something/someone that makes you question your sanity!

  • Does he talk about the parties at home? Just a curiosity. Have you suggested a co-worker and you get-together, saying that you want to meet these people who play such an important part in his life even if you don't hang out with them?
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