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Am I being over-bearing?

Ladies, I need some serious advice.

I've been married for 6 months now. It seems like every 3 weeks or so (not so often to cause major problems, but common enough for me to think there SHOULD be a serious problem...maybe I don't threaten enough?) Love Of My Life goes out with a coworker for a drink (which I have no problem with), and it turns into something (like right this very moment)...I don't hear from him for hours, his phone dies (he has a car charger), he says he'll be back at a certain time and it turns into 5 hours later, he drives home after 6 or 7 drinks in his WORK VAN...it's this constant cycle of me telling him "I"ve been through the DUI, you don't want one," and "I don't CARE what you're doing, so long as I get an update every once in a while," or "CALL ME I'll come pick you up, no matter what time of night."

It happened when we were dating, but not NEARLY as often as it is now. Is this just a newlywed thing or is something wrong? I don't know what else to do, since our "talks" never seem to get through to him. We communicate so well with each other usually, I don't understand why this isn't getting through his pea-brain!

~ Mrs. Laky ~

Re: Am I being over-bearing?

  • You're not being overbearing.  It would be common courtesy for him to let you know approximately when he will be home, and if he won't be there he should respect you enough to call you.  More importantly he should have the decency not to drink and get behind the wheel; he's endangering his life and the lives of innocent people at risk.  He shouldn't be on the road, and he shouldn't be jerking you around like that.
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  • He is living dangerously and no, you are not being overbearing.

    It can have heartbreaking consequences driving drunk, especially in a work van (not that it's better in your own car). He is placing his employer in an extremely dangerous situation, potentially making them liable for any tragic consequences. Even if he survives any tragic accident and doesn't kill or injure someone else, he could lose his job.

    You probably can't get him to counseling, but at the very least you should go. It sounds as though this is a long standing issue, before you were married, and it can be difficult to find the words to address shortcomings with people we love. I don't have any magic words, but if he has failed to correct this behavior, you should find the words to use and it may take someone else to help.

    It can be a vicious circle to constantly remind someone you care and are concerned, making you appear to be nagging them, and they want to further avoid it by not being at home.

    Good luck.

     

  • This was similar to what my ex husband used to do. I would call just to make sure he was ok because he would be gone longer than he told me and he wouldn't answer, or he would answer and then hang up, or he would answer and shortly tell me that he would be heading home in 5 minutes. Those 5 minutes would turn into another hour or so. I honestly can't tell you what can get through to him because we're obviously not together anymore but this is a situation that you really need to resolve. By now you should know the best way to talk to your DH and if he doesn't understand, I hate to sound childish, but give him a taste of what it feels like to be you for once.
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  • You are totally in the right.  There is never an excuse to drive intoxicated.  (Hello cabs). 

     

    It seems like you've done all you can as far as being supportive.  It might be a cycle where he knows you're stressed from him drinking so he drinks more and chooses not to check in.  If it were me I'd give him a taste of his own medicine -- go out with YOUR girlfriends and don't call for hours.  See how it makes him feel.

  • No, you're definitely not being over-bearing or unreasonable.

    First - he should not be driving drunk.  That's the biggest issue as far as I'm concerned.  And I would put my foot down on that one.

    Second - it's common courtesy to let your spouse know if and when you intend to come home.  Even if my husband gets hung up at work, he sends me a text or gives me a call.  That's normal.

    I'd have a serious heart to heart with him.  Insist he limits his consumption or gets a cab ride home.  And insist that he give you a timeframe and if said timeframe can't be met, he must let you know.

    Don't let him make you think this is unreasonable.  It is not.

  • Him occasionally having a drink after work and letting you know beforehand? Totally reasonable.

    Him disappearing for hours, not calling, and most importantly, driving drunk? In his work car no less!!! Completely unreasonable!!! You are absolutely in the right here. 

  • This sounds like a man who doesn't want to keep his job, enjoys butt sex in jail, and possibly wants to hurt others driving drunk. 

     

    He can't keep his phone charged?  Screw that bull face lie. This guy has serious issues. Give him an alternative. Start respecting your advice or leave him.  

  • He may not be calling because he is somewhere that he is uncomfortable talking to you(strip club, one night stands...)

    I hate to be the one to point blank suggest the infidelity scenario. It could just be that he's drunk and forgets he has to respond or something. Still not courteous at all. 

    The drunk driving thing is a bit heartbreaking. Maybe you need to point out to him how impaired he is when he's drunk? Like, show him how bad his reflexes are? He's probably convinced that he's a toughy who can take his booze and doesn't realize that by definition it gives you false confidence! Maybe he's convinced that *he* could never kill anyone....

  • This happened to me when before my boyfriend and I moved in together. He would go out and drink (a lot of the times too much) with people I barely knew (I know them now and there was nothing to be worried about). There were nights I cried and was lonely (we lived 45 minutes apart and only saw each other on the weekend). Eventually he realized that it was hurting me and his wallet. The point is, that if it bothers you...then it's a problem. I understand your frustrations...keep trying to talk to him about it. Just keep reinterating the same things you are saying. Just say that it's great that he has someone to go out with besides you, but you don't want to be in the dark and be at home alone for many hours not knowing what is going on. 
  • Have you brought this up with him? Why on earth would he drive home after so many drinks? He is endangering the life of others when he gets behind the wheel. It sounds like he has a drinking problem to me.

    And no, this is not normal newlywed behavior.  

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