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advice about having a baby...

Hi there,

  I have been married for 3 years and before my husband and I got married we talked about children. At first he didn't want children and that was a complete deal breaker for me so we broke up. We go back together and he told me that if being with me meant children in our future then he was fine with it. Here we are  years later and I'm starting to feel like I'm really ready to have our first child but every time we talk about it he seems to get really stressed out and short with me and just says "lets just wait another 2 years until we are both out of school". Normally I'd think that is a fine idea, no need to rush anything we are still very young but when he talks to his friends about kids he says things like " I dont want them but I'll fall into the trap eventually". Things like that really hurt my feelings because I dont want him to feel forced to have children with me and I dont want him to feel like I'm making him choose. Everyone says that he is just scared and when it happens he will be a great father but I'm scared that what if we do have a child and he becomes detached because he was lying and that wasn't really what he wanted at all...it's all so confusing. if you have any advice for me I could definitely use it. Thanks everyone.

Re: advice about having a baby...

  • Honestly- you broke up over this.  I think it's pretty clear where he stands.  I don't know that I'd want to tempt things with "Oh, once the kid is here...".  I've seen guys who really don't want a kid have a kid, and not all of them end up being "great dads". 

    And do you REALLY want to have a child w/ someone who has pretty clearly stated numerous times that he'll have a kid just because you wanted one?  I can see where that will go - every time the child needs something and you want him to help, he's going to turn to you and say "YOU'RE the one who wanted a child,  you deal w/ it".  

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • You make a good point, I guess when we broke up over it I was just so happy that he had changed his mind that it didn't even bother me until now when I'm actually considering having a baby. Its really difficult and confusing trying to figure out what I need to do because this is the man I love, we have been together 9 years and we have known each other since elementary school. He is my best friend...to think about leaving him hurts my heart. But to think about never having a family hurts just as much.
  • Sorry sis, but you made a poor choice in who to marry.  It you wanted to have children, then you should have married someone who also wanted to have children.  Simple as that.  Not someone who would put up with them just to keep you in the relationship. 

    Like ECB, I know two grown men who father's made it very clear they they didn't want kids, but only did it so that their mom's would marry them.  These men have had esteem issues all of their life because of this. 

    I wouldn't listen to your friends.  Sure sometimes a guy will change his mind about children once he has one, but sometimes they don't.  Why gamble with your future children's lives and happiness like that ? 

  • I'm doing the math in my head.   You have 2 years of school - do you mean college (God, I hope so)?  If so, that puts you at about 20.  You've "been together" for 9 years?  SInce you were ELEVEN? 

    If this is even close to correct, there are so many other things that I want to say, regardless of the kid issue. Even if he were to change his mind, he is young, young, young and I can fully understand why he really feels that, right now, he doesn't want kids.

    Don't stay with him, though, JUST because you've been together 9 years.  that in and of itself is not a reason to stay with someone. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • So I have to ask how old you are and if you are getting your undergrad? You stated that you are young and in school. If he is 21/22 then yes he might change his mind and finishing school sounds like a sound plan. I wanted kids but I have very little interest in gushing over other people's children. It use to drive DH crazy. 

    Having said all that you should prepare yourself for the real possibility that he doesn't want kids. You need to sit down and have a real conversation about it, make it clear that you need him to be open and honest about his feelings. He doesn't need all the answers but dos need to be level with you. That also means you can't judge him if you don't get the answers you want, just listen. It is better to know where you both stand then to spend a lifetime trying to make him into a father. 

    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
    Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
  • College, I'm 27 he is 28. I have a degree already but am currently perusing another ATM and he is getting his masters free through his current job.
  • image LinzO.:
    College, I'm 27 he is 28. I have a degree already but am currently perusing another ATM and he is getting his masters free through his current job.

    Okay then ignore the first part of my OP. I think it is time for a frank discussion.  

    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
    Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
  • image LinzO.:
    College, I'm 27 he is 28. I have a degree already but am currently perusing another ATM and he is getting his masters free through his current job.
    O.k, I wouldn't call you "very young" then... Stick out tongue  Young, yes, but not "very".  Seriously- saying "Very young" and that you have 2 years of school, well, you can tell how old we were thinking you were!

     Anyhow- that being said.  The fact that he's 28 and making these comments.... he doesn't want kids.  You have to accept this.  And if you do have kids with him, there is a good chance he will always put it on you.  "YOU"RE the one who wanted a kid".  And if your kid(s) ever heard him say this, as another PP said, it would probably VERY much affect their self esteem.  

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Thank you Tiffany, I really do need to just sit down and ask him to be completely honest with me about children. I honestly dont want to have kids with him if he doesn't want them because that's not the life I want or want for my kids. When I have a family I want both parents to be a part of it and  not feel forced. If he tells me that deep down he really doesn't want children I will have to make the biggest decision of my life.
  • lol sorry, I guess I should have said moderately young!
  • image tiffanysbride:

    image LinzO.:
    College, I'm 27 he is 28. I have a degree already but am currently perusing another ATM and he is getting his masters free through his current job.

    Okay then ignore the first part of my OP. I think it is time for a frank discussion.  

    This is good advice.  The only thing I would add is pay close attention to his actions, because actions speak louder than words.  He might, again, just say what you want to hear in order to keep you from leaving him.  That is why you need to pay close attention to his actions, or if he seems to have moments of honesyt when he admits he doesn't want children.

    I know this isn't the same thing, but I broke up with a guy over this very issue. He was talking to friends freely about how he never wants children. I asked him on the spot " Why did you tell me that you did ?"  His response was " Well would have have dated me if I said that ?" I told him no of course not and he replied by saying "Well there you go."

    We talked about it more seriously the next day and he said he really didn't want them but would have one ( only one) because he knew I wanted children.   We broke up soon after that.  I couldn't believe he lied to me about something as important as having children and wasting 10 months of my life.  Of course the jerk didn't see it that way. He kept saying I was materialistic for wanting to break up for something like that. Idiot.

    Oh well, all I can say is that I moved on and eventually met my husband. He always wanted children and proves it every day. He tells me that coming home and seeing the kids is the highlight of his day, and he doesn't want to move up in his company because they would mean more hours and less time with his family. He is silly and goofy and paints my daughter's finger nails, pretends to be Captain Hook when they play Peter Pan, has a special bed time song he sings to our son when he puts him to bed, changes diapers, helps take care of them when they are sick,  ran around DIsneyworld wearing a Mickey hat and is just an all round wonderful dad.  He is a blessing to my life every day and I praise God every day that I had the good sense to break up with my ex boy friend, and to date and then marry my husband.

  • image LinzO.:
    Thank you Tiffany, I really do need to just sit down and ask him to be completely honest with me about children. I honestly dont want to have kids with him if he doesn't want them because that's not the life I want or want for my kids. When I have a family I want both parents to be a part of it and  not feel forced. If he tells me that deep down he really doesn't want children I will have to make the biggest decision of my life.

    For the record I am 30 so I guess I think of under 25 as young, not that I am old. I think stw_77 makes a very good point about watching his actions and things he may leave unsaid. 

    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
    Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
  • I think your H has a point. It would be best to wait until you are both out of school before having a baby. His comments to his friends to me sound like normal guy BS. 

    BUT it's concerning that you two actually broke up over this same topic. It wasn't wise to marry him knowing how he initially felt on this important topic. Now you need to figure out where he truly stands on this, you believed that he was for having kids and you married him. It could be that you are taking his comments more to heart because of your past. My H said all kinds of things before I got pregnant. He also knew when I went off the pill and kept joking about never having kids right up until the positive stick. I laughed and blew it off because I knew he was scared but excited. You aren't doing this because of the past.  

  • You need have one last conversations about it. You know your husband better then any of else. So you know when he is just putting a bandaid on your emotions. So put the ball in his court. If this is your deal breaker stick with it. Starting a family have to be a mutual admiration for both people. Trust me I know first hand.

    I dont want to pull you either way, But dont waste your time with someone that doesnt want the same things. Dont live with regret. 

  • image stw_77:
    image tiffanysbride:

    Oh well, all I can say is that I moved on and eventually met my husband. He always wanted children and proves it every day. He tells me that coming home and seeing the kids is the highlight of his day, and he doesn't want to move up in his company because they would mean more hours and less time with his family. He is silly and goofy and paints my daughter's finger nails, pretends to be Captain Hook when they play Peter Pan, has a special bed time song he sings to our son when he puts him to bed, changes diapers, helps take care of them when they are sick,  ran around DIsneyworld wearing a Mickey hat and is just an all round wonderful dad.  He is a blessing to my life every day and I praise God every day that I had the good sense to break up with my ex boy friend, and to date and then marry my husband.

    i'm just butting my nose in here, but i wanted to say that this really warmed my heart.  i don't have or want kids, but knowing there are men out there like this makes me feel really happy in general and really happy specifically for you and your children.  tell your husband thank you from a high school teacher who has so, so many students without fathers who take any kind of care of them at all, that i'm glad he exists.  :)  

  • image EastCoastBride:

    And do you REALLY want to have a child w/ someone who has pretty clearly stated numerous times that he'll have a kid just because you wanted one?  I can see where that will go - every time the child needs something and you want him to help, he's going to turn to you and say "YOU'RE the one who wanted a child,  you deal w/ it".  

    I tend to agree with the above. While waiting until you're out of school is a good idea, the comments he makes about children are a red flag. Sit him down and talk to him - explain that you want children, and you want them with a partner who wants them too. Tell him these comments he's making make you second guess your marriage, and that if that is how he really feels, then he needs to be honest with you. Maybe counseling will help the two of you communicate more honestly. And there's always the chance that time and maturity will bring him around. Personally, I wouldn't want to take that chance without something more than lipservice about "whatever you want."

    Break cycle BFP on 11/6/12 after 17 cycles and a failed IUI - TTC/BFP details in bio
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  • In all seriousness - being a parent is hard enough when both parents were 100% on board and wanted the baby. 

    Your friends who tell you that he'll come around after the baby is born are idiots.  What you'll most likely end up with is a man who distances himself physically and emotionally from you and the child.  And being a married single mom is worse than just being a single mom. 

    He's been pretty vocal about not wanting kids.  If you know in your heart that you will someday regret having them, then staying with this guy is not an option.

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  • I have been exactly where you are. I was with a guy for a very long time who was ambivalent about having children. (For me it's always been a huge priority.)

     He would always say that he didn't really want it, but maybe he would in the future when he was older and he'd have one with me. But we could never talk about it, I always felt awkward bringing up things like names, schools, etc and he wasn't into discussing it.  I felt jealous of my friends who could daydream about kids with their SOs, but I kinda had this idea that the way my BF was just the way "men are". He would make comments that similar to your husband about how awful and limiting it would be to have kids and how his life would be over. 

     I ending up breaking with him after living together for 5 years, which was REALLY hard because there was no big upset. We got along great but I realized we didn't really want the same life.

     I'm now married to someone who is just as excited to be a dad as I am to be a mom. (He's always joking about trying to trick me into getting pregnant!)

     Men who want families are out there, and knowing that my husband is just as excited about our future as I am is an amazing feeling. 

    Good luck with this tough conversation and keep us posted! 

     

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