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It's like my opinion doesn't even matter...

We go to the Home Depot to fix our sink that eye storingly drains into the backyard. My idea is little different from his, not gonna lay out the whole story, but he acted as if my idea was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard. And that's no where near the first time.. On several occasions I would offer my opinion or some advice, and it is usually the same reaction, his idea is better and he acts like I shouldn't have said anything at all! It's aggravating! I just wanna matter, I wanna be heard at least sometimes... Also, anytime I get aggravated about something, I'm always "over reacting" as he likes to say, it's not that big of deal, he says.. We are getting married in a yr, and I don't want to go into a marriage like this! These are the only issues that I feel need addressing, but they are pretty big issues to me.. Anybody been there? Anybody got any advice? 

Re: It's like my opinion doesn't even matter...

  • image jgoodangel13:

    We go to the Home Depot to fix our sink that eye storingly drains into the backyard. My idea is little different from his, not gonna lay out the whole story, but he acted as if my idea was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard. And that's no where near the first time.. On several occasions I would offer my opinion or some advice, and it is usually the same reaction, his idea is better and he acts like I shouldn't have said anything at all! It's aggravating! I just wanna matter, I wanna be heard at least sometimes... Also, anytime I get aggravated about something, I'm always "over reacting" as he likes to say, it's not that big of deal, he says.. We are getting married in a yr, and I don't want to go into a marriage like this! These are the only issues that I feel need addressing, but they are pretty big issues to me.. Anybody been there? Anybody got any advice? 

    Based on the bolded items why would you WANT to marry someone who doesn't respect you and treat you as an equal and partner?

    I once dated someone who wanted a submissive housewife type wife and thought I would fall over and thank my lucky stars that he was proposing to me. I laughed in his face and told him that I wouldn't wish our relationship dynamics on my worst enemy. I'm just about the exact opposite of the type of woman he wanted and I knew it. 

    Please think long and hard about what YOU expect/ need from a future husband. There's no shame in cancelling a wedding if what you want and what you're with doesn't match up. 

    [IMG]http://i1278.photobucket.com/albums/y514/Tanya_Weeks_Eaton/5PhgQ_zpsa98cf1f2.png[/IMG]
  • Try this:

    "Fiance, it's my house too and my opinion does matter. It's disrespectful when you react to my suggestions that way. I am not a five year old to be dismissed. I want to talk about this together and come up with a solution that BOTH of us agree on."

    Soemtimes I have to remind my Dh that his reactions are too aggressive and will not be tolerated. Because he doesn respect me, he realizes he's out of line and we're able to have an adult conversation. However, you really need to think about if your DH has a healthy amount of respect for you - if not, rethink marrying him.

    Also - I had to explain to my DH that when I question him about things it comes from a place of curiousity and wanting to understand his thought process and how things work - not that I'm challanging him or I think he's wrong. He used to get pissed when I would "give suggestions" because he thought I didn't have trust/respect/pride in him to be able to do the "manly" things. I think it's a guy thing maybe, but once I was able to get him to understand where I was coming from, things got a lot easier.

    Break cycle BFP on 11/6/12 after 17 cycles and a failed IUI - TTC/BFP details in bio
    image
    Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
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  • Your opinion should count and rightfully so.

    Find another guy that values you, your opinion and everything you say and do.
  • This sounds like typical marriage communication stuff. You say something that he doesn't like (the idea I mean), you react, he gets mad at your reaction. So, don't worry about this being a big problem; all couples have this stuff. I would try to tell him (when you guys are calm) what to say to you when he doesn't like your idea.  For example, when you say the drain should look like X, he could say, "Why do you think that would be good?"  That way things become more like a polite discussion.  You could also tell him a code word when you guys are making decisions that you could use to remind that he is doing that annoying thing again.  These communication tricks seem silly from our own view as women, but I find with a lot of  guys (not all), they just don't get things the way we do and telling them how to react can be really helpful in having a peaceful marriage. 
  • image MrsMcC.10409:

    Soemtimes I have to remind my Dh that his reactions are too aggressive and will not be tolerated. Because he doesn respect me, he realizes he's out of line and we're able to have an adult conversation. However, you really need to think about if your DH has a healthy amount of respect for you - if not, rethink marrying him.

    Also - I had to explain to my DH that when I question him about things it comes from a place of curiousity and wanting to understand his thought process and how things work - not that I'm challanging him or I think he's wrong. He used to get pissed when I would "give suggestions" because he thought I didn't have trust/respect/pride in him to be able to do the "manly" things. I think it's a guy thing maybe, but once I was able to get him to understand where I was coming from, things got a lot easier.

     

     O man, thank you! I can tell he feels challenged a lot when I ask him about things sometimes, and I don't mean it to come as a challenge, just wanna know. 

     Really these are his ONLY issues, he's helpful, mostly supportive, cares about me, my family, which is a hard job itself, lol, and right now, we are in a tiny two bedroom house, and I have my friend and her family of four staying with us, and he doesn't mind. He's such a great guy, it's just these things it can't get over. I hurts my feelings. He respects me, just sometimes I'm not sure he values my opinion too much..

    Thanks for the advice and I will definitely try it next time this comes up. 

  • It seems like most guys are this way every once in a while but all the time is ridiculous.  You need to tell him how you feel when he shoots down your ideas chances are he doesn't realize he is hurting your feelings.  The main thing with guys is that they like to be needed and if you come up with an idea that's better he might shoot it down because he wants you to think his is better and that you need him.  We women know that this is not the case but they don't understand that.  You need to tell him how that makes you feel and try to remedy the situation that way, chances are he doesn't realize that he is hurting your feelings.
    Abraswell
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